The final party, p.10
The Final Party, page 10
Nick’s bagged a couple of loungers directly across the pool from us. He too has laid out Padma’s towel for her, put both parasols up, but I expect she’ll want to move into the garden area. I remember how even back at Oxford she’d avoid putting her face in the sun. Said it was the quickest way to age the skin, and I guess she was right because her face looks as unlined and blemish-free as it was twenty years ago. Breaking up with her is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it kills me that she doesn’t know this. But staying together would have been impossible. For so many reasons. Doubtless she still believes me to be a shallow, lying piece of scum who was using her for sex, who didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with what she was going through. But she’s wrong. So wrong. More than anything I wanted to be able to tell her that. To hold her, support her. But I couldn’t. And then when Nick dived in to take my place and fulfil that role, it sent me off the rails: booze, drugs, women. Lana included. The second biggest mistake of my life.
I’m just contemplating a swim when my phone pings. I pick it up on instinct, thinking it might be Lana asking if I need anything from the room. It worries me that she and Padma still haven’t appeared.
How can you swan off to Italy and pretend it’s all OK? Have you no shame? One missing piece of the puzzle is all it takes, then you can kiss your charmed life goodbye.
Fuck. Not another one. Panic floods my insides. I’ve no idea what this person’s endgame is, but it’s frightening the crap out of me. Making me feel claustrophobic, that my every move is being watched. But by who? That’s the question. Right now, Ness and Marcus are in the pool, while Padma’s busy comforting Lana upstairs. Clearly the sender knows where I am, but aside from us lot here, the only other people with that information are my PA, my boss and my parents. When I’m on holiday I always make a point of telling my whereabouts to a minimum number of people. Sure, anyone can email or phone me, but they don’t need to know where I am. Which brings me back to the question – who on earth can it be? After eighteen sodding years, why has this person, whoever it is, decided to make noise now? It had been dark, and we’d been careful, but based on these messages it’s apparent that someone had been watching us closely back then, hiding in the shadows, tracking our every move. Either that, or they’ve been talking to someone else who was. One of her friends, perhaps? And by her, I mean Carys, the missing fresher. I guess it could be the girl who told the police about what went on that night. Rachel, I think her name was. Having said that, maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree. Because it’s not exactly clear what this person is alluding to. It could be one of two things, or both, I just don’t know and the not knowing is driving me bonkers. As is the fact that I haven’t a clue what their intentions are. I mean, what if they appear here, challenge me in front of Padma? What if they go to the police? It doesn’t bear thinking about. My life as I know it will be at an end. I will myself to stay calm, but it’s not easy, especially as I find myself getting increasingly worked up about what the hell’s keeping Padma and Lana.
It’s been ages, for Christ’s sake. At least forty minutes. It can’t take that long for Lana to change. And she can’t still be worked up about the blasted lizard. I’m really not sure what came over me. I just suddenly felt this rage, like I’d had enough and needed to thrash out at something or someone and it was either Lana or the gecko. It doesn’t help that I’m knackered – from work, the kids, my dad’s constant criticisms, my utterly miserable marriage, the wearisome weight of worry and guilt that presses down upon my shoulders and never eases up. Not to mention seeing Padma in this beautiful place, stirring all sorts of feelings in me. And now this latest message is threatening to tip me over the edge.
‘Hey, you coming in? It’s so refreshing!’ Ness giggles as Marcus grabs her from behind then swirls her around to face him. After swimming a few lengths, they’re now mucking around like carefree teenagers. She locks her arms around his neck and kisses him softly on the mouth, her eyes animated and smiley, her hair already wet through. It’s lovely to see her enjoying herself. Especially when I think how she used to hate the water as a child. In fact, I can’t remember seeing her look this relaxed in a long time. Or the two of them being so easy in each other’s company.
I’m sure I’ve not imagined the tension between them in recent years, but Ness always insists it’s nothing, just life, the kids, getting in the way, making it hard for them to work on their relationship. It seemed like a bit of an excuse to me. Chiefly because it’s the same one I give whenever anyone asks me about my relationship with Lana. My mum being a classic example. ‘Why don’t you take Lana out on the town, your father and I will babysit.’ She says it all the time. To think, when I was a kid, she’d hardly give me the time of day, but with her grandchildren she’s so different. I don’t begrudge my kids that. But I do resent her for not being the hands-on mum I’d craved when I was their age. Of course, my parents have no clue that time alone with my wife is the last thing I desire, despite our putting on a good show for them at the start of our marriage. They just think we’ve grown apart, like so many couples do after having kids. But the truth is, it’s impossible to mend something that was broken to start with.
Still no sign of Lana and Padma. What the fuck can they be talking about? No way would Lana risk the life she’s bagged for herself with any loose talk, so perhaps it’s Padma who’s confiding in Lana? There was no mistaking the affection between them just now in our bedroom. An affection I’ve not witnessed in a long time. If only I could somehow find out. I’m pretty sure Lana won’t tell me. If Padma did say anything to her, my devious wife will delight in keeping it from me. She’s always revelled in having the upper hand.
It’s how she trapped me in the first place.
Chapter Eighteen
Lana
Before
Oxford, England, mid-April 2002
This is your chance. Don’t blow it.
Ness and I have just turned up to a party kick-starting Trinity term at one of the larger Oxford colleges. Famous for its alcohol-fuelled bashes, and where Johnny has a lot of mates. Padma suggested I come down from Leeds for it. Thought it might cheer me up, after having yet another massive row with Mum the other week while I was at home for the Easter break. Despite me losing weight, the cow still finds fault in me. Grudgingly acknowledging that I’ve lost it from my thighs, but at the expense of my boobs which are looking smaller, and which perhaps explains why men never look at me the way they look at Padma. When she says stuff like that, sometimes I don’t blame my father for leaving her, God knows she must have made his life hell. But I still can’t forgive him for abandoning me. He could have stayed in my life, even if he chose not to be in hers.
I suppose I get why Mum’s been more of a bitch than usual lately. I know exactly what’s been bothering her even though she thinks I’m clueless. But the fact that she’s deliberately concealed something so important from me, only makes being around her that much more unbearable.
I’ve been playing it smart since Padma’s attack. Still visiting her, offering up my help with her recovery, but grabbing any opportunity I get to cross paths with Johnny, even though that’s proved a bit harder to do with them no longer living together. For months I’ve been holding onto the one piece of dynamite I have at my disposal. Waiting for the right moment to ignite it; to launch a plan of action that might actually work now it’s clear that Padma’s memories of that week aren’t coming back, and that her and Johnny’s love story is well and truly over. Especially as she’s with Nick now. I know I’m unhealthily obsessed with Johnny, but I just can’t help myself. And when they split, it was hard to conceal my delight. This was my chance to muscle my way in, making me glad I never told the police what else I know about the events of that week, even though I fear keeping such a secret will torment me until my dying day.
I know Johnny’s been sleeping around. Something that both upsets and pleases me. It bothers me that he’s having sex with other women, but it’s also comforting to know that he doesn’t like any of them enough to form a steady relationship. There’s only a short time to go before he finishes at Oxford, after which I might never see him again, so it’s now or never.
I was so relieved when Padma said she wasn’t going to the party, leaving me free to go for it with Johnny. Though it still feels a bit weird going without her, just because I’ve only got to know everyone through being her friend. Ness said I could tag along with her. Granted, she hadn’t looked that enamoured with the idea, which made me feel like a bit of a desperate hanger on, but I knew I had to swallow my pride if I wanted my chance with Johnny.
As we enter the main room, the music is loud and grating, everyone wasted, downing pints of lethal cocktails, some of the crowd dancing, some snogging each other at tables or up against the wall. Loads of the girls are wearing next to nothing, some have even stripped down to their bras, the particularly gorgeous ones making me feel fat and frumpy. I scan the room for Johnny, am dismayed to see him chatting up some skinny blonde in the corner as Ness abandons me to go find a couple of friends on her course. At least I can now breathe easy with her gone. To my delight, the blonde suddenly stomps off in a huff – clearly Johnny’s said something to piss her off – so I tell myself this is my moment.
He’s drinking neat vodka from the bottle, a cigarette dangling nonchalantly from the fingers of his free hand. He looks so hot, and I try to pep myself up, thinking I look pretty hot myself. For me at least. I’ve lost more than a stone, got highlights in my hair especially for the occasion, and I’m wearing a strappy mini dress that doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Padma had looked somewhat shocked when I appeared earlier, while Ness gave me the once-over with her typical wordless death stare. As usual, Padma was her kind, diplomatic self, told me I looked stunning, even though she probably thought I looked like a slut and was asking for trouble.
My heart feels like it might burst from my chest as I make my way through the mass of sweaty gyrating bodies, music blaring in my ears. I walk directly up to Johnny, my legs shaking with fear and excitement, and say, ‘Hey, how are you?’
And that’s when he looks at me – really looks at me – in a way he’s never done before. And it’s the best feeling in the world. Gives me hope that I can make him love me without using what I know.
‘I’m sorry about you and Padma,’ I go on as he casually flicks his cigarette to the floor, then stubs it out with his shoe. ‘I know it can’t be easy, but really, she’s never been the same since her attack. If there’s anything I can do to help, just say the word. I hate seeing you look so sad.’
God I’m such a suck up. I wait for his response. Half expect him to call me a bitch, question how I could be so disloyal to my friend. But he doesn’t. Simply says, ‘Fancy a dance?’
I feel myself blush, thinking that all my Christmases have come at once. ‘I’d love that.’
He sets down the vodka then takes my hand, presses his body up against mine, slow and sensual, our lips almost brushing. I tell myself to play it cool, even though I feel like I must have died and gone to heaven. I don’t question why this is happening, how he can possibly want to be with me having rejected so many girls since Padma. All I can think about is being in this moment with the boy I have worshipped from afar for so long. Just then, I spy Ness over Johnny’s shoulder. She catches my eye and I see the look of surprise in hers. And perhaps a little disgust. I tell myself not to let it bother me. She acts all holier-than-thou, but I know for a fact she’s no angel, has no right to judge me, or anyone else for that matter. Even so, I avoid her gaze, look straight into Johnny’s dark pools, willing him to want me as much as I have wanted him for so long.
‘Let’s get out of here,’ he says with a roguish grin as the song fades out.
Those five words are like music to my ears, and for a second, I think I must be dreaming. But then he takes my hand, sending a rush of electricity through me, before whisking me up the stairs and outside. Out into what’s fast becoming the most magical evening of my life, my pulse rocketing, the sweet anticipation of spending a night with my crush almost too much to bear.
‘Where are we going?’ I say breathlessly.
He grins. ‘Back to mine. Ness will be a while, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.’
A sliver of guilt shoots through me as he says this. I think back to the numerous times I stayed there as his and Padma’s guest. But I quickly brush it off – this is no time for compunction or hesitation. Instead, I focus on getting naked with him. Imagining him slowly undressing me, kissing every inch of my body. Sexy yet romantic movie-style love. How I’ve always fantasised it would be, all those nights I’ve lain awake dreaming about him. Padma’s told me what a tender lover he can be; not that I need her to tell me that, because I know it in my heart to be true. I can’t wait to experience the same tenderness for myself. Just can’t believe this is finally happening for me. But instead, no sooner have we stepped inside the hallway, he asks me if I am on the pill and I find myself lying and saying yes, only because I don’t want to put him off, and then before I have time to think or say another word he’s shoving me hard up against the wall, hitching up my dress and yanking down my knickers, then unzipping his flies before roughly spreading my legs and entering me with a force that makes me gasp out loud, so hard I can’t help but flinch. I’ve never had sex like this before. And for a moment I feel exhilarated, knowing that he wants me so badly, like a scene from a porn movie. But then, as it happens, him grunting like an animal as he thrusts himself into me, me worrying about Ness walking in, while at the same time catching sight of my face in the hall mirror as his chin rests on my shoulder, lipstick smeared around my cheeks, I feel sick, cheap, dirty. Humiliated. No better than a prostitute. I want to cry, want this not to be happening, just because it’s so far removed from how I’d envisioned this moment to be. He climaxes, while I feel nothing. Nothing but heartache and humiliation. And relief that it’s over.
‘You’d better get back to Padma and Nick’s,’ he says, having buttoned his flies up. ‘Ness will be home soon.’
That’s it? I want to vomit. It’s as if he’s commanding a child or a dog that needs to be kept in its place. So cold. So matter of fact. I’d imagined us cuddling up in bed after making love, him showering me with kisses and gestures of affection. His excuse about Ness walking in on us is utter crap. We could easily sneak into his room, and she’d never know the difference. I want to suggest this, but I also can’t bear to suffer further humiliation with some cruel knockback. It’s obvious that having ‘serviced’ his needs, now all he wants is to be rid of me so he can crash out on his bed.
I pick up my knickers, quickly pull them on. And all the time he says nothing.
It’s so awkward, so utterly mortifying, and I want to scream, I feel so hurt, so wronged.
‘Bye then,’ I say feebly.
‘Bye.’ He barely glances my way as he says this. Not so much as a peck on the cheek goodbye. I think he’s too drunk, too stoned to care. Then again, if I were Padma, I bet he’d be all over me.
I slink away and out the front door. Do the walk of shame back to Nick and Padma’s. Luckily, they’re in bed when I slip in quietly, grabbing some water en route to the spare room. As I undress, I feel slightly sore where he penetrated me so hard. I crawl under the covers, not even bothering to wash my face or brush my teeth, despite feeling so dirty, so utterly worthless. In truth, I’m desperate to shower, to wash the humiliation off me. But I can’t chance waking Padma and Nick. The last thing I need is Padma coming out and asking me questions; not when I lack the strength to pretend that everything’s OK.
Once again, I can’t help resenting her, lying in the arms of another man who adores her, worships her, no doubt makes love to her with sweet affection the way Johnny once did.
How dare he treat me like that? I could make his life hell if I wanted to.
He has no idea I have information at my fingertips that could send his pampered world crashing down around him.
Chapter Nineteen
Vanessa
Sorrento, Italy, Monday, 5th August 2019
There’s Padma and Lana. Thank goodness. It’s about time. I’m still in the pool with Marcus and Johnny. It’s so refreshing, feeling the soothing cool of the water on my skin as the sun fires its rays on us. It’s been fun mucking about with my two favourite men. They even seem to be getting along, and that makes me happy. I noticed some friction between them when Johnny and Lana first turned up, but seeing them laughing and joking just now I’m hoping that perhaps being here in this beautiful place, relaxing, having fun, will stop them from behaving like a couple of childish schoolboys. Surely, after last night, Marcus knows he has nothing to fear from Johnny. He never has, if truth be told, but I can understand how he must feel a bit intimidated. I mean, Johnny does have the body and face of an Adonis. He could have gone into modelling, I’ve often thought, but Ed would have laughed in his face at the suggestion. And then, having realised Johnny wasn’t kidding, blown a gasket. I can just picture his irate ruddy expression now, telling his son to stop acting like a frigging faggot and concentrate on doing a man’s job! Anyway, it’s true that a lot of women fancy Johnny. But I’ve never looked at him in that way. Not before, when we were in our early teens and started having those kinds of feelings, and certainly not now. We’ve known each other since we were babies. For Christ’s sake, I’ve seen him whip out his penis as a five-year-old and pee in the paddling pool the nanny used to set up in the garden for us. Even then, he was something of an exhibitionist. I chuckle to myself at the thought. Anyway, point is, thank God he and my husband seem to be getting on. I at least want to enjoy the first few days of this holiday, before it all goes to pot at my own instigation.
