The image of you, p.30
The Image of You, page 30
He caught her meaning. ‘Anna won’t mind.’
‘What about the terrifying sister? Is she the judgemental clothes-fascist type?’
‘I didn’t say she was terrifying. I said there were issues.’
‘Whatever.’
‘But don’t be late. Anna does have a thing about time-keeping.’
‘I’ll be sure to tell Virgin trains of the importance of keeping to their schedule so as not to inconvenience your fiancée. I’ll go and speak to the guard about it, right now.’
‘Funny. Just do your best.’
It was good to hear Rachel’s teasing voice, to know that she’d be at the restaurant. It was only when Nick heard her usual jokey tone that he realized how little of his life was usual at the moment. He’d begun to think that nothing he said or did recently seemed at all normal or even real. Zoe’s tone was always challenging; either flirtatious, defiant, flattering or puzzling. He rarely knew where he stood with her but, wherever it was, it wasn’t anywhere normal. His actions meant that nothing he did with Anna was real any more. Not the visits to his parents, the walks in the park, the time spent in beer gardens. Nearly everything he said to her was a lie. Besides which, Anna had changed too. Since the engagement it was as if she had entered a different world, one where she talked incessantly about their happily-ever-after; he never thought he’d say it, but he was becoming overwhelmed by her constant breeziness. It was impossible to match, therefore irritating. Hadn’t she noticed he was weighed down with guilt? Shouldn’t she have realized he wasn’t the same any more? That there was something wrong with him? He recognized that it was unfair of him to be angry with her for not sniffing out his deception, especially since he was going to great lengths to hide the truth from her. However, being aware of how unfair he was being didn’t mean he could change things.
It felt like there was layer upon layer of complexity and duplicity in his world, he sometimes felt he might suffocate under the weight of it. Hal had made his disapproval of Nick’s affair very clear, which meant that Nick had been reticent about confiding in Darragh or Cai. They’d only take the mick anyway; they’d be awash with, ‘I told you so.’ As a consequence, his conversations with his friends were strained, confined to sports and holiday plans. It never crossed his mind that he might confide in his parents—good God, no. He didn’t want to be responsible for their simultaneous cardiac arrests. Weird, then, that despite the fact he had a fiancée and a lover, he’d started to feel he was on his own with this. And therefore with everything. Isolated. He wasn’t complaining. Just saying. He knew he’d made his bed and had to lie on it.
It was just nice to have Rachel along for the evening, that was all. Normal.
He arrived at the restaurant ten minutes early. Luckily, the maître d’ did not appear to recognize him, and Nick didn’t spot any other staff that were familiar from his previous visits with Zoe. Temporary contracts and high turnover of staff had worked in his favour tonight. Rachel, to his relief and gratitude, arrived not long after him, making her five minutes ahead of schedule, so when Anna walked in at seven on the dot, he felt he had at least passed that first small test of the evening.
As much was confirmed when she beamed and cried, ‘Wow, you’re on time! How lovely.’
He kissed her on both cheeks, as though she was a pleasant acquaintance. Rachel glanced at him, no doubt surprised, and then she followed suit.
Turning to Rachel, Anna said, ‘I don’t want to sound like I’m boringly strict about time-keeping, it’s just that of late, Nick has been working so hard, he hasn’t managed to arrive at a single one of our dates on time, or anywhere near.’
‘I see.’
‘I’m just so glad he’s managed to take some time off tonight.’
There was a brief kerfuffle as they took their seats, deciding which one to leave for Zoe. Nick didn’t want her opposite him, or next to him, for that matter. She was likely to think it funny to covertly place her hand on his crotch; he wouldn’t be able to pull that off whilst dining with Anna and Rachel. He managed to work it so the spare seat was the one diagonally opposite him. He wondered whether he looked as stressed as he felt. His palms were sweaty, he nearly dropped the butter knife. He needed a drink. He’d been drinking quite a lot of late. People did in the summer, right? Hot nights made people thirsty.
Anna was good at wearing her game face pretty much twenty-four/seven; however, he had noticed that when she spotted Rachel something like frustration, or possibly disappointment, momentarily flashed across her face. Nick knew that Anna and Rachel had not entirely bonded but right now that was the least of his problems. At least both women were making an effort. Rachel had been coolly polite when faced with the news of their engagement. She had enough tact and respect for her brother to send a card and even flowers to congratulate them. True, there wasn’t a slushy, sentimental message written in the card; in fact, all it said was: Congratulations on your engagement, Rachel. Thankfully, Anna was reasonable enough to understand it was something, an olive branch, following their slightly tricky introduction in the hospital. Anna had been gracious about it, she said it was because Rachel was worried about her mother and not thinking straight. ‘Stress makes people act out of character.’ Subsequently, she’d asked Rachel to be her bridesmaid. Rachel had accepted, although he knew it was hardly her dream to be trussed up in in dusky-pink organza, batting off comments from their rellies that, ‘She’ll be next!’ She was doing it for him, for their parents, for form and, probably, for Anna too. No one could understand why her own twin sister was not only refusing to be a bridesmaid but refusing to come to the wedding, and everyone wanted to make it up to her.
Well, no one could understand it, other than him.
Rachel and Anna might not be besties but everything was as it should be between the two of them.
Nick explained, ‘Rachel called, saying she was on her way to Mum and Dad’s for a week. I just thought, as she was changing trains in London, it would be silly to miss the opportunity of catching up.’
‘I totally agree,’ enthused Anna. ‘I’m so glad you could join us. I really am.’
Nick noticed that her face didn’t match her words. Like him, she appeared nervous and somewhat anxious. She played with her napkin and cutlery. They sat for a moment in silence, someone made a comment about the unusually hot weather they’d been experiencing. Then there was a bit more silence. Rachel excused herself, said she needed to nip to the loo.
As soon as she was out of earshot Nick reached for Anna’s hand. ‘I’m sorry to spring an extra guest on you.’
‘No, no, it’s fine. Lovely.’ She really would never win an Oscar.
‘Come on, tell me. Why is she a problem?’
‘She’s not.’ Anna looked awkward. ‘It’s just that I’m regretting confiding in Zoe that I thought Rachel didn’t like me much.’
‘Why is it a problem? You’re getting along fine now.’
‘Well,’ Anna hesitated. ‘Zoe can be a bit overprotective of me and she might be purposefully rude to Rachel, to show me she’s on my side. She’s someone who likes to take—no, make—sides. To be honest, purposefully rude is the best we can hope for, there might be an out-and-out declaration of war. I just want everyone to get on.’ Anna looked crestfallen. ‘Why does everything have to be so complicated?’ She sat back in her chair so he couldn’t reach her hand, even if he was so inclined. ‘I’m not blaming you for inviting Rachel but the last thing we need to bring to the table tonight is more complexity and potential hostility.’
‘I don’t think you have to worry about them.’ Nick knew that Zoe had bigger fish to fry this evening and that relations between Anna and Rachel would not feature on Zoe’s radar. Although he couldn’t guarantee that hostility was altogether off the menu. ‘Oh and by the way, I haven’t mentioned to my family about the Larry Morgan business,’ he added. He couldn’t bring himself to say, ‘Your previous husband.’
‘Oh, right. You could have. It’s not a secret.’
He didn’t know what to say to that. It had been a secret. ‘Well, it’s a bit of a shock, at least a surprise, so close to the wedding,’ he pointed out. He knew his mother would be disconcerted by the news. She wouldn’t care that Anna had been married before but she’d think it ought to have come up in conversation earlier, like on the first date. He didn’t want to disappoint or worry her.
‘OK. We’ll tell them after the wedding, will we?’ Anna suggested brightly.
‘Yes.’ He had no idea. After the wedding was another time dimension, as far as he was concerned.
‘That is, unless Zoe tells Rachel tonight,’ added Anna.
Oh crap. He hadn’t thought of that.
‘You see my problem, don’t you, Nick? Once something becomes a secret it’s so hard to find the right moment to clear everything up.’
Nick hesitated. ‘Well, yes.’ But it wasn’t his secret. That one was hers. But, yes, yes, absolutely, he did see the problem. It was so hard to find the right moment to clear everything up. Impossible.
Rachel returned to the table. She’d obviously splashed water on her face in an attempt to freshen up after her train journey, some drops were still hanging off her chin. Anna leaned forward and dabbed them with her napkin.
‘Oh,’ said Rachel, startled. Was the action affectionate intimacy or a criticism?
Anna smiled. ‘It looked like sweat. I know it wasn’t,’ she added hurriedly. ‘But still.’
The two women smiled at each other, uneasily.
The waiter came to the table and asked if they wanted to order drinks. Nick explained they were waiting for one more person.
‘I’m going to apologize in advance. Zoe is a terrible timekeeper. She’s often hours late, sometimes days,’ Anna admitted with a faux giggle. ‘I think we might as well order drinks. Better to do that without her anyway.’ Turning to Rachel, she admitted, ‘I don’t know if Nick has mentioned it to you but, to be honest, Zoe is quite the hellraiser.’
‘I already love her,’ said Rachel. Then to the waiter she said, ‘Mine’s a G&T.’
They all ordered the same, except Nick asked for a double. He wasn’t sure it was wise but he was certain it was necessary; he had to get through this evening somehow. No one spoke until the waiter returned with their aperitifs. They clinked glasses and said cheers. Nick’s mind was whirling, he thought perhaps the others could hear the cogs, yet he could think of absolutely nothing to say. Normally so amiable and confident in any social situation, here he was, sitting between his nearest and dearest, mute. He wished they hadn’t exhausted the topic of the weather so early.
Rachel took a pickaxe to the ice. ‘So, in what way is she a hellraiser, this sister of yours? Come on, give me the low-down.’
It was such an ordinary, reasonable thing to ask. It was the first time Rachel had behaved entirely like herself with Anna: interested, gossipy, open. Nick should have been delighted but he actually wished Rachel had alighted on any other subject over which she and Anna might bond. The thought of talking about Zoe horrified him, it seemed weirdly disloyal. Yet, he was also curious. He found he was holding his breath, waiting to hear what Anna might say about Zoe. What drops of insight might he soak up? He didn’t know enough. He was thirsty for more. He’d probably never be satiated.
‘Well, let’s just say, she’s a party girl and she’s never known when to say when.’ Anna let out a deep, regretful sigh. ‘I sometimes feel I’ve spent my life cleaning up after her messes, but you know, she’s my sister.’ She smiled bravely. ‘There’s a lot of good in her but you do have to look for it.’ Rolling her eyes comically, she added, ‘Really hard.’
Nick thought it sounded like something she had practised saying; obviously, she was using humour as a coping strategy. Rachel stayed silent, which encouraged Anna to go on.
‘I want you both to like her. I really do. It’s just that all our lives our friends, and even our parents, have found reasons to object to Zoe, to take offence.’
‘Why?’
Anna glanced between the two of them nervously, she was probably wondering whether he’d be shocked. He thought of the things that Zoe had said and done with him; he doubted he could be shocked.
‘It’s hard to say, exactly. Things just often go wrong around her. It’s frustrating because she has so much going for her, but she always seems to want to push the self-destruct button. It’s safe to say she certainly does not always help herself.’ Anna caught the waiter’s eye. ‘Can you bring my fiancé another G&T?’
He was surprised to see his glass was empty, the other two were still nursing theirs.
‘Do you want to see the wine menu now?’ she asked him.
He did. Very much so. He feigned nonchalance. ‘Yes, OK, I’ll have a look. Do either of you have a preference?’
‘I don’t know what I’m eating yet, so no, not really,’ replied Rachel. ‘You pick.’ Then, turning to Anna, ‘What do you mean she doesn’t help herself?’
‘So, we’re identical, right?’
‘Yes, Nick said.’
‘But we’re really, really not. She’s—’ Anna searched for the correct word and then landed on, ‘Spellbinding.’
Nick thought Rachel was probably supposed to say something nice about Anna right about now. Or maybe he was. He missed his cue.
As she quickly continued, ‘People fall for her. Fall in love with her. Even though she ought to come with a health warning, everyone wants to be her friend, gain her confidence, her trust. Everyone wants to feel they are special to her.’
Nick coughed. It was probably the air con.
‘I think it’s sort of spoilt her. You see, everyone goes out of their way to help her but she doesn’t return the sentiment.’ Anna paused in her storytelling and looked Nick in the eye. ‘Not ever. She’s not ungrateful so much as completely unaware of others.’
‘What do you mean? Give me an example.’
Nick was glad Rachel had asked. He pretended not to be listening, to be absorbed in the wine menu, but in fact Anna had all of his attention. Or rather, she had it when she was talking about Zoe.
‘So someone will feel they can help by finding her work and then employ her as their house-sitter; she’ll throw a party, trash the place. Or they’ll give her a loan and whilst they are reaching for their chequebook, she’ll steel their silverware. She’s stolen from her friends’ wallets, from her friends’ parents, from our parents. She doesn’t ever accept that something might belong to someone else and that she has no right to it.’
That double G&T must have been especially potent. He must be drunk because he had the weird impression that Anna was trying to talk to him in particular. To him, on a different level. But that wasn’t Anna’s style. She was straightforward; if she had anything to say, she’d simply say it.
Except she hadn’t said anything about being married before, had she?
But that was different. No, he was being crazy. Whilst the stuff about Zoe not knowing what did or didn’t belong to her seemed oddly pertinent, he had to be imagining things. It was his conscience. Plaguing him. Or the drink. Tricking him. He wasn’t seeing things clearly. The waiter poured some wine into his glass for him to taste. Impatiently he swallowed it back in a gulp and indicated he wanted his glass filling. To the top.
Rachel looked a bit surprised. ‘Should we order food?’
Anna glanced at her phone, checking the time and her messages. It was already seven twenty-three. ‘Maybe some bread and olives. I’m still hoping she might show up—after all, this is supposed to be her goodbye dinner. She’s the guest of honour.’
For a while they talked about other things. Inevitably, the wedding was discussed. Anna had ordered Rachel’s bridesmaid’s dress online and had it sent directly to her in Edinburgh. ‘Do you like it?’ she asked keenly.
‘It’s very nice,’ Rachel assured her.
Anna’s face fell a little. ‘Nice?’
Nick watched Rachel try harder.
‘It’s lovely.’
‘How’s the fit?’
‘Yeah, great.’
He knew his sister well enough to understand that probably meant she hadn’t tried it on at all.
‘And have you thought about shoes? I was thinking nude shoes.’
‘Nude shoes?’
Anna explained, ‘The colour. Nude.’
‘I see.’
‘Do you have any?’
‘Erm. I’m not sure. Probably not.’
‘Well, if you get a pair I’ll reimburse you, obviously. But you will need to try the dress on with shoes.’
‘Oh yes.’
Nick admired his sister for faking an interest.
‘So you’ll need to get shoes asap.’
‘Right.’
‘Maybe you could look whilst you’re in Bath.’
‘Sounds like a plan.’
‘Should I text Pamela, just so she can remind you?’ Anna asked, trying her best not to sound overbearing. Failing.
‘If you like, but I’ll probably remember.’
‘Probably?’
‘I’ll remember.’
‘I’ll text anyway, to be on the safe side.’
‘If you like.’ Rachel needed her glass refilling now.
‘If anything needs to be altered on the dress I’ll pay for that, obviously, too.’
‘Oh, it’s fine,’ said Rachel. It wasn’t clear if she meant that the fit was fine or her bearing the expense of alterations was fine.
For a moment there was a lull in the conversation, then they agreed they might as well order and Rachel picked up the mantle by talking about the latest reality TV show that she was gripped by.
Anna asked lots of questions about it although hadn’t actually watched it herself. ‘I will, though. I’ll watch it on catch-up. Promise,’ she said.
Anna regularly, anxiously, checked her messages but Zoe hadn’t been in touch. Nick pretended to be attending to some work emails but took the opportunity to surreptitiously see if she’d sent anything through to him—an excuse, an explanation, an update or an apology? Nothing. He was relieved. She wasn’t going to come. She’d done him a favour. The food arrived, Nick asked for a second bottle of wine by way of celebration. It crossed his mind that drinking alcohol was a lot like being with Zoe; it created the effect of two things happening simultaneously. Time slowed, he felt sluggish and swollen, yet he could also access clear, precise thoughts. Right then, watching Anna and Rachel negotiate their way towards some sort of understanding, Nick could imagine what things could be like for him in the future. Cheerful family Christmases, a house in a buzzing part of London, kids at a smart day school, Anna doing a lot of stuff for the school’s Parents’ Association, the children shining at any number of things—sports, maths, music—maybe they’d go to Oxbridge, there would be grandchildren. He and Anna would grow old together.
