Filthy moolah freaky fin.., p.8
Filthy Moolah (Freaky Finders Book 3), page 8
"Ugh, I don't believe it."
Black shapes circled around us and then converged. We were plunged into darkness as the newcomers surrounded us. Then there was light as they moved away, leaving us there in a weed-infested wasteland, a group of figures speeding off in the distance with Meatman held aloft above their heads like a prize pig for the slaughter.
"Goddammit!"
"Boris not like vampires."
"Neither do I," I agreed. "This is just what we need. Great, now we have to go kick vampire ass too."
This was not going to plan. Not that I had a plan.
On The Bus
We had a lot of questions, but not much time, so we opened yet another Gap and popped out at home and got inside with all due haste. Hanna was sitting on a chair in the kitchen with her legs over the backrest, somehow managing to look comfortable in an entirely impossible position. Mimi was feeding the cats, who glanced up aggressively, rumbled deeply, then continued to eat like they'd never been fed before.
We filled them in on the situation, which was that some scumbag vampires had come and taken our quarry, and then I waited for suggestions. Everyone waited for my suggestions, which I guess comes with the territory when you're in charge.
"Okay," I sighed, rubbing at my chin and wishing I could have a shower. "Guess we just go get him back, and soon." I checked my arm, we were cutting it close.
"How'd you know which vampires have him?" asked Mimi.
"Because we recognized them, right, Aunty?"
"We sure did. They're a nasty bunch, and about as dark as dark can be. They've been around a long time, since before any of us were here, and have become pretty isolated. They don't mix with other vamps much, think they're better than them and everyone else, and have become corrupted even by vampire standards. They also think they're a gang, wear dated outfits like from the olden days."
"When you were younger, you mean?" asked Hanna, not even joking.
"No, like the eighteen hundreds. All thick suits and fedoras. Not that men around here wore fedoras. Anyway, they have a look, they're a tight-knit group, and they've got in our way before. They do the odd bounty, but mostly it's dirty work for dirty pay, whatever the job. Guess they think they can earn from Meatman."
"Well they can't. He's ours, so are we all good? Can we go get him now?" I asked, panic beginning to set in.
Team Freaky agreed to the urgent request, so after wees, snacks, gulps of freezing tea, and a lot of gear loaded into Mimi's bus, we were off on our quest to retrieve a homicidal cannibal from a bunch of homicidal cannibals. Oh, the fun we have around these here parts.
We got halfway down the drive when we realized we'd forgotten Boris. Mimi reversed up, I hopped out, and found him staring at the whiteboard and a pretty picture of a pie he'd drawn. I managed to drag him away with promises of goodies to come and then we were away like the ace team we undoubtedly were.
The ride gave me a moment to recover somewhat, although I felt as disgusting as Aunty looked. She was not a happy camper, and even copious smiles sent her way did nothing to relieve her annoyance at being covered in dirty fat man goop. It gave me a chance to get my head together though. To have a little think and a bit of a ponder.
What did the Seven want with Meatman? Why were they called the Seven when there were six of them? And what would be the best way to deal with them?
Vamps had been around for a long time, obviously, and the older they got the more cranky they became. Powers increased but never exponentially; they eventually maxed out and reached their peak only for a very steady and slow decline to set in over the centuries. The Seven were approaching their heights and had a long way to go before they waned. Which made them dangerous, full of themselves, and a damn annoyance if truth be told. Aunty and I had run into them on a job long ago, and they'd been a pain to deal with and eventually everyone ended up losing as they killed the mark and left everyone out of pocket. We'd been lucky to get away with our necks intact, and we'd hardly put a dent in their pride.
Since then the stories went that they'd become worse, had gotten deep into darker stuff than usual, and the higher-ups in the vampire community had basically washed their hands of them, leaving them out in the cold, no repercussion if anyone messed with them. Unfortunately, this also meant they could do as they wished with no comeback from the old-timers or the new faces on the scene tasked with keeping vampires in relative order and toeing the line to at least some extent.
There was no proper council or anything like that, Odd Ones don't take kindly to rulers of any sort, but there were rules, laws we all abided by, and vampires were no exception. Their community ensured they kept a low profile, were never meant to hunt anywhere near a vampire enclave or commune, and discretion was the word.
They fed, they killed, they glamored, and they increased their ranks on occasion when one of them got carried away or a member died, which happened more often than you would think.
By their very nature they were prone to risk taking, and risks come with the chance of true death. They'd push the boundaries or merely get caught off-guard and it was goodbye semi-immortality, hello chopped-off head or too rapid a blood loss to stem the tide enough for self-repair.
As for the Seven, they'd been going a long time and managed to keep control enough to survive. But for how much longer? Not long if they screwed with me. I was not in the mood. Seriously, I really wasn't.
Spooky Lair
There wasn't much point hiding, and there sure wasn't much point pretending we'd come for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. They knew we'd be after them, they knew we'd want Meatman back, and they knew that we knew that they knew. Um, or something like that.
So Mimi pulled up outside what you can only explain as somewhere shit. Vampires are like everyone else. Some keep smart homes, others live in boxes, some like to embrace the dark side of their nature, others are sweetness and light and get blood supplied by volunteers. But lots revel in their nature and have a real tendency to up the gross stakes to ridiculous levels. The Seven were just lazy, messy bastards.
They lived together in a large, detached, three-story Victorian that had seen better days. They'd owned it for nigh on a century and the lack of maintenance was evident. Set on a nice-sized plot, it was secluded with overgrown hedges, dry grass to thigh height, overgrown trees and shrubs, and a gate right out of the spooky catalog. It was ten feet tall, rusty, squeaked, and even had a bat that split down the middle when you pushed one half open.
We crunched up algae-covered gravel you could barely see through the weeds and got a good look at the house, what wasn't covered by deep layers of ivy. Broken gutters spewed grass and moss, green trails of water damage ran down the blown brickwork. The roof was patched and a mishmash of traditional slate and cheap composite replacement. Windows were rotten, no uPVC here. Fascias were hanging off, the paintwork peeled, and the door looked like it had needed replacing a century ago.
It was kinda cool in a vamp way, but I bet it was a right pain to live in. Nothing worse than the walls running with condensation and mold growing beside your bed. I've been there and I ain't going back.
"This should be easy," said Hanna as she rubbed her hands together in anticipation.
"Easy? Are you nuts?" I whispered, although I wasn't sure why.
"It's late afternoon, early evening, whatever, they'll be all sleepy, in their coffins. We just go in, stake 'em, and nab our guy."
"Hanna, honey," said Aunty, "they can move about in the day. And duh, they just nicked Meatman. They don't like the light so much, but they can function. And they don't all sleep in coffins."
"I bet these guys do."
"Well, yes, some do, but that isn't the point."
"Um, what is?" I asked. "I'm lost."
"The point is, that vampires are still strong in the day for a while. And you can bet it won't be bright in here." Aunty pointed at the house in case Hanna didn't know where she meant.
"Spoilsport. Then I guess it's time to chop off some heads." Hanna reached behind her back and pulled out what can only be described as a gleaming, fiery-white magical sword that's invisible and I assume not really there when not in use. It can only be described like this as it's exactly what it was. So cool.
Hanna bashed at the door with the hilt of her sword and it promptly swung open with a great groan.
"So lame," said Hanna before she stepped inside and the door slammed behind her.
"Now you have to admit that is kinda cool," I said. There were murmurs of agreement before we heard Hanna scream. Boris shouldered the door and it swung open and we all charged in behind him.
Hanna was in the large hall where cracked Victorian tiles still managed to make the place look stylish. A dark, ornate, curved stairway led up into the gloom.
"What is it?" Aunty asked.
"Thought I saw a mouse." Hanna searched the shadows suspiciously.
"Great, now they definitely know we're here," I sighed, wondering why I hadn't just come alone. Oh yeah, because they were nasty vampires and they might suck my blood and turn me into one of them or just kill me. Either was bad, for me.
"Eek." Hanna jumped a mile, her wings burst through her shirt, and she fled to the ceiling, which wasn't far, bumped her head, dropped back down, got up sheepishly, and as we all stared at her she said, "What? I really did see a mouse that time."
"Let's just get this over with." I was now certain the risk would have been worth taking to come alone.
Getting Freaky
The house was dark, real dark, nothing but weak old bulbs hanging from bare light fittings, hardly enough to see by. There was clutter and crap everywhere. Old bookcases of heavy oak with ancient books crumbling on shelves. Carved wood full of worm at every turn. And a lot of very weird stuff. You know, shrunken heads, old oil lamps, weird brass things, the usual spooky crap. And spiders. Lots and lots of spiders.
Floorboards laid down hastily where the old tiles had given up the ghost, creaked as we shifted along the hallway. Somehow I ended up in front with everyone else huddled close at my heels, causing me to almost trip at every small foot shuffle. I checked the front room, but it was devoid of life, at least vampire life. Rats scurried, spiders lunged, and cockroaches scattered. Gnarly things in corners licked their lips then slid back into the shadows. Old brown sofas, tattered and beaten up over decades, filled the room along with more bookcases and plenty of small tables. Guess they liked to read. The raggedy curtains were drawn, the only light a small lamp on a table, but it was enough to tell me the room was empty. Next we tried what would have been the original dining room, but again it was empty.
On to another back room, me still taking a reluctant lead, everyone else shoving and pushing, whispering and yelping quietly when a rat crossed our path.
I eased open the door to the back room expecting I didn't know what, only to find it was a kind of living room but not like any I'd ever been in before. There were sofas, chairs, tables and bookcases but also the mother of all dining tables too. It was stained dark, the brown mingling with new, fresh blood, all lit up by lamps draped with red cloth to give just the right ambience if the feel you're going for is terrifying vampire lair where you get eaten.
This was exactly what the place was. Many vamps had such rooms, places they took their prey to so they could suck the life force out of them at their leisure, it's just that most were rather more discreet, had their rooms hidden and locked away. The Seven seemingly had no such concerns. The floorboards were rotten and soaked in ancient blood currently being washed over with the new that was flowing off the table and pooling.
And oh, the sight I saw. It is one I shall never forget yet one I most certainly wish I could.
The Seven were feasting on Meatman, and in ways I cannot truly explain without being a little sick in my mouth. The obese man was splayed out naked on the massive, undoubtedly strong table, wrist and ankles strapped down tight. The Seven were gathered around him and doing all manner of truly unspeakable things. Some were sucking at his foul, tainted blood, others were, well, they were doing sexual things to him, with him, things I cannot mention, things I want to never, ever think of again. Meatman was crying out in either ecstasy or pain, maybe both. In fact, the look on his face made me sure it was both, and that he was having the time of his life in an utterly perverse way.
His blood spurted, so did other things, and chunks of his flesh were torn aside as the vampires struggled to get deep enough beneath the flesh to find a good flow of blood. They laughed and joked, naked and covered in Meatman's juices, throwing their heads back like a pack of dogs howling at the moon. I watched, transfixed, even though the scene was too surreal to take in and I didn't want to take it in anyway.
Every so often there was a crackle and his body would spark red as waves of Hellish energy danced over him and what was lost was regained, as if the Devil himself knew what was occurring and thought it fitting while Meatman was corporeal once more.
I thought it was bloody disgusting.
See, this is the problem with vampires. They're like hyped up humans in many ways. They sense things with more clarity, have better hearing, better eyesight, better sense of smell and taste, and also touch. They have a very high sex-drive and are basically randy buggers most of the time. They lack inhibition amongst their own kind, aren't too shy whatever the company, and if they can they'll give you a jolly good rodgering whilst sucking the life out of you. So steer clear unless that's your thing.
But I'd never expected for one moment that they could perform with one such as Meatman. I mean, there's horny and there's downright depraved. But they were getting their rocks off and then some, so I guess they were happy with the fact there was plenty of him to go round.
"What's happening?" whispered Aunty.
"You do not want to know. Don't look," I warned.
So everyone peeked their heads around the door, because that's what you do when you're told not to. They gasped, they shrieked, quietly, and I'm sure Aunty did a little sick.
"Told you not to look," I said as we all retreated to the hallway to recover a little.
"You didn't say what was happening though," said Mimi as she crouched then whispered to her girls, telling them it was all right and not to think about it. They growled menacingly but even they did it with a worried hush.
"So, the plan?" I asked.
"Yes, what is it?" asked Hanna.
"Boris not like here."
"I know, big guy, we'll be gone soon. Okay, Boris, I want you to do your human bowling ball thing. Hanna, get your wings out and sword in hand. Aunty, power up the trousers, Mimi, Shadow, and Ghost, just go fucking nuts and tear them all new ones. We'll go in together, ten seconds of mayhem, then focus on a Path and we'll all link up and I'll grab Meatman and we'll be away. So, we ready?"
Everyone nodded, keen to give the vampires a hiding and even keener to escape this terrible place.
"Three, two, one. Go!"
Kicking Vampire Ass
It was a rare moment I shall cherish forever.
We worked as a team, in unison, like we actually knew what we were doing!
Everyone stepped aside as Boris somehow curled up into a perfect sphere and thundered over the creaking boards before smashing into vampire legs, splintering bone and bringing forth all manner of delicious screams. Hanna flew overhead, fiery weapon slashing this way and that. I went next, punching at vampire noses, the Essence rising, joyous, letting it almost consume me as pure magic crackled and spat from my hands, arcing through the air and searching out vampires like heat-seeking missiles.
Heads, arms, shoulders, and other bits and bobs exploded in every direction, smearing walls and floors, drenching the room redder than I expect it had ever been. Aunty bounced off the walls and careened into vampires who were sent flying around the room, and Mimi and her girls did an awesome job of tearing off lumps of flesh and smashing heads.
But the vampires were not so easy to take out. They were supercharged with Meatman's evil juices and about as powerful as any vamp could be. Aunty was batted away by a simple backhand and splatted against a wall, Hanna endured being plucked from the air with a simple jump and grab before her head was smashed down onto the corner of the table so hard her skull split open and her eyes rolled up in their sockets, lifeless. Mimi and the girls got jumped and the cats wailed as strong hands attempted to throttle them whilst simultaneously sucking their blood. That wasn't going to happen though, as Mimi went absolutely apeshit when she saw her girls in danger and threw aside three of the men like they weighed nothing.
I was assaulted too, the nerve, and as a vampire hissed then tried to bite my lovely silky neck I gripped his arm tight and let my blood boil. His arm erupted with beads of red that steamed as his own blood cooked him from the inside out. He yelled and retreated but the work was done and his arm burst apart like jelly smashed with a sledgehammer. I smirked then shouted out, "That's ten," and we dashed to Meatman, grabbed hands, I put a pinkie to the babbling mound of flesh and felt the Path converge. Wasting no time, I let myself be drawn to the Path and to freedom.
"I don't think so," came a voice like something from beyond the grave.
I heard the click of a finger and the Path dissolved then winked out of existence.
"Now, what do we have here?" asked the voice. "Ah, the Freaks have arrived. How fun."
We all turned as one to see who'd spoiled our perfect plan. There in the doorway was the oldest, ugliest, vilest, yet somehow I knew most powerful vampire you're ever likely to come across.
Something clicked into place.
"Guess now we know why you're called the Seven."
"How astute." The man cackled then hissed as his fangs snicked down and things got nasty.
Getting Our Asses Kicked by Vampires
There is something utterly disturbing about being attacked by a bunch of naked, horny vampires. It's all the erections, they get in the way. That and the teeth and the claws and the punching and whatnot. The boss wasn't one of those who watched while the lackeys did the dirty work, he was hands-on and howled like a banshee as he jumped right in the melee.
