Shadows of the past i te.., p.19
Shadows of the Past I (Temporary Bliss #2), page 19
The audacity. He’s the one who started, now he tries to pin the blame on me. Fuck that shit. I don’t need to listen to this crap. He should be grateful I didn’t slam my boot into his ugly mug.
“Actually, we’ve just moved in together,” I grin.
Teo snorts. He blows his cheeks, putting on his best to keep his face calm, but he’s doing a poor job of it.
“Keep your mouth shut,” Raymond says, directing an angry glare at me. His tone doesn’t leave me half as startled as the fact that he addresses me in Russian.
To my left, Mark’s eyes grow big and full of disbelief. Teo’s laughter is cut by the exchange. I gulp and watch Ray convince a truly angry Leo to move to the side with him, where he draws him into a low conversation.
“Back to work,” Mark says, shooing Teo away.
“Damn, right when the fun was starting,” he complains. He throws me a wink and a genuine smile. “Don’t worry about Leo. He’s a dick like half of the time. Well,” he considers his statement with a wide grin on his face.
“Enough chit-chat, Teodor,” Mark says, waving him away. “Those crates need to be inspected and counted. Don’t come back here until you’ve done so.”
Teo snickers over his shoulder, prancing around the bar and running towards the smaller drink station placed along the wall on the other side of the bar.
“You speak Russian?” Mark asks.
I shrug, my good mood having dissipated completely. “Yeah.”
Leo gestures a lot and his hysterical voice reaches us from time to time, but overall, he calms down and ends up leaving with one of the bodyguards, looking more pacified.
Ray shakes his head and walks over to the bar, glaring at me. “My office. Now.”
“Leonard started,” Mark intervenes.
Ray watches him with a severe mien while waiting for me to circle the bar. I throw a glance at Mark, muttering a quiet ‘thanks’ before I follow behind Ray. We end up in a hallway which splits in two. The right side leads to the toilets while the left is cordoned off with two security guards watching over it. The men nod at Ray and shuffle out of his way. Another turn leads us into a different corridor which I recognise this time as the one where Ray had been dragging me towards his office that first night when I was here. Not far from the entry point there’s a bigger emergency exit and a larger metallic door which probably serves as a stockroom or something. Two more men stand guard down that hallway. Ray takes a left and strides to the mahogany padded door. He holds the door open for me until I step into the office, then he slams it shut.
“What the hell’s been that about?”
I keep my arms wrapped around each other, kneading my biceps in distraction. I don’t appreciate his tone, but I guess I had it coming. He brought me here trying to solve an issue and I ended up creating even more trouble for him. I bite my lips, avoiding his admonishing glare.
He puts a hand on my arm, and I flinch, retreating with my back into the door. I stare at the floor, waiting for the slap to land on my face, to jolt my teeth together as they gnash against the inside of my mouth, drawing blood with it.
“Alex?”
But it doesn’t come. He holds his hands in the air where I can see them, approaching me like you do with a scared animal. His stance is careful, his eyes narrowed, a displeased look on his face.
“Hey,” he says slowly, his voice guarded as he approaches me again. His fingers curl around my arms. I can’t help but bristle at the touch. He runs his hand up and down my shoulder, then brings it up the side of my neck, letting it rest on my cheek. I scrunch up at him, a visible tremble in my jaw as I want to back away from him on pure instinct. Stefan would’ve slapped me by now, accusing me of how I’m thrashing his image.
He wets his lips, the frown on his face smoothed out, his expression more open. “Are you afraid I’m going to hurt you?”
I shake my head, looking away.
“You’re not a very good liar, you know that?” he says softly. I meet his gaze as he rubs his thumb over my jaw, expecting the affection to turn into aggression any time.
“You’ve hit me before,” I whisper.
That night when I had lost it. Things are blurry up until that point, but that slap is etched into my brain. I remember pain distracting me, then I remember falling.
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I just didn’t know how to bring you back to your senses. I didn’t even think you’d remember.”
“I do.”
He draws me closer and I bury my face in his chest. I don’t move my arms, nor try to hug him back, I just stand there until the fear goes away.
“How was Mark?”
I nod in his shirt, approving of the choice of subject. “He’s really nice.”
“And Teo?”
I smile at that, loosening a bit, bringing my hands to his sides. “He’s nice too.”
“I take it you want the job?” I hear the smile in his voice. The guys seemed alright up until the point Leonard showed up and ruined everything by calling me a prostitute in front of them. No wonder I will probably receive weird looks about it. There’s a good chance they might be hating me right off the bat.
“I guess.”
“You’re hesitant,” Ray notices.
“He called me a hooker in front of everybody, saying you pay to fuck me.” I smile sadly, pushing him away slightly. “And those news articles speculating as to who I am.” Between his body and the door I am starting to feel a bit trapped in. “I don’t think there’s any point to this.”
He lifts my chin, bearing his gaze in me. “They won’t judge you. They both know better than that.”
I shrug. I look up at Ray. “What the hell were you thinking when you fucked that guy, anyway?”
It’s his turn to look chagrined. His lips twist and his eyes drop. “Let’s say I don’t make the best choices when I’m inebriated.”
“You can say that again,” I chuckle. “That priceless look on his face, though, when I said we live together.”
Ray laughs, shaking his head. “Christ, you’re relentless.”
My lips lift in a grin, which softens up the moment he looks back down at me. I clench my fingers in his shirt and draw him closer, leaning back against the door willingly this time. He doesn’t protest, something shifting in his stance, a hint of precaution and curiosity maybe. That doesn’t stop me. I lift myself on the toes of my boots, catching his mouth into a light kiss. A muscle twitches on his face, a hint of a smile on his lips. I peek around his shoulder at the rest of the office.
“That couch looks comfortable,” I grin as my fingers tangle in the buttons of his shirt.
Chapter 10 – Ray
19th of December
The lights were off, only a faint ray from the full moon outside filtered through the narrow opening in the drapes, dispersing the shadows in the bedroom. White, red and yellow lights flickered in the distance over the sleeping city. The night was cold and there was no doubt more snow would fall, but at least the skies had cleared for now.
The tip of the cigarette glowed bright in the dark, the rustling of the burning paper distinct in the otherwise silent bedroom. Raymond was sitting on the floor, next to the massive windows, trying hard to lure sleep to him. The past days had worn him down. Staying asleep was hard. It was as if the world would not give him a minute of peace.
Taking in the blurred view of the darkened buildings scattered in the distance, he could almost fool himself into thinking he was back home, in the city he’d grown up in what felt like ages ago, when the worries were few and him and Andrew, his high-school flame, were sitting atop the roof, gazing at the night sky. Although the stars above Bucharest were no different than those in London and they still glowed in the same way, clustered together, inseparable, home was too far from him — the physical distance not the only thing separating him from it. He was not the man he had used to be.
A new problem weighed down his shoulders the more he tried to navigate through the graveyard of sorrows. The recent disturbing developments stood proof of that. Things were moving faster than he had anticipated. Roman had checked the camera footage from the night of the attack and had identified one of the men involved. With practiced efficiency, he had tracked down Temnota’s lesser acolyte in less than a day. A swift interrogation had followed which had sent Roman on the path to finding this individual Evsey apparently knew.
Ray had no idea how this friend or ex-lover, or whatever the youth was to the Azarov boy, would fit into the bigger picture, but the finding had bothered Roman. It had been visible, written all over his face. Evie had chosen to reach out to someone he’d known before his life had been turned upside down, instead of making contact with the man who’d saved his life… to some extent.
He shook his head. Roman had shared his findings with him, and he appreciated that. Ray could tell his friend was trying hard to prove himself. Perhaps too hard. He had seemed tormented. One lie should not have created so much damage, but it had gotten him wondering about the other things Roman could be hiding from him.
It was not a good position to find himself in, so instead he chose to contemplate how to best leverage Evsey’s connection in order to track him and Anatoly down. Temnota’s involvement was making everything problematic. From what Roman had gathered, Ivan’s lackeys had been instructed to keep an eye on this person. Raymond wondered why someone who wasn’t more than an ex-boyfriend meant so much to them. Was Evsey planning to run, or was there something more to which they were not privy? A piece was missing. One of many. As usual.
He rested his wrist on his knee, twisting the cigarette between his fingers. They needed to play this smart, get to the boy, find out what he knew and keep it away from unwanted eyes.
Then there was Ivan himself, hid from sight, just as dangerous as ever. He had given Ray something though and he had done it willingly. Felix had put the Russian on the phone and by the sound of it, he was eager to be freed from his confinement. He had caved in. His only option had been to give Raymond what he wanted. Smart.
The message had already been relayed further. An invitation. The action held a lot of risk to it. Things were either going to work out, or they’d blow up in Ray’s face. There was little room for taking the middle ground from where he stood. He needed to move fast, though. Victor’s whereabouts were unclear and by now he would be fuming because Raymond had crossed him once more. The man kept everyone in the dark, there were no news of his arrival, or maybe it was just Ray who was left out of the loop. He wondered if Roman knew more than he let on. The paranoia was growing strong with each day.
He was tired. More and more, he wanted to get out and it surprised him. Being a part of the Roza had held a certain appeal so long ago he could barely remember. He’d felt useful at a certain point, smart, needed. Nolan had recognised him, seen him for what he could be, for his potential, not as the failure he’d become in his father’s eyes, and his own. For better or worse however, men sometimes change. In his case, pain had made the change for him. The people in his life had contributed to that. It was terrifying to think what a handful of months had done to him. The bodies dropping around him and the threat of putting his family in the direct line of fire had replaced gratification with desperation. Victor would not just let him walk away, he was in too deep to even contemplate it, but he did, nevertheless.
He smoothed out the creases on his forehead. The only way was forward. Now the other problem which could degenerate and make his life miserable had been sleeping in his bed for the past two days. Ray did not know how to handle it, nor was he looking forward to it. Alex was a ticking bomb, too volatile for Ray to plan ahead; a variable which had thrown Ray off his game.
After the attack at the villa and half a night spent awake to ensure Ivan’s transport to the safehouse, he had looked forward to crashing into his bed. He had envisioned a dreamless, exhausted sleep dragging him down and not waking up until his body was healed again. He’d been mistaken.
Marian’s phone call in the middle of the night had turned the confused stupor in which he’d fallen into a state of full panic. Hearing about Alex being attacked in his friend’s house had damned all rational thought for a short while. He’d shot questions one after another, bombarding Marian with a torrent of anger which had made him feel embarrassed after hanging up.
Is he hurt? There was blood on his hand. What do you mean? He had it covered. But he’s fine? Yes. Who’s this guy? He said he’s with the Russians. How did this happen? He was with the redhead boy. Are you telling me you just let him walk in there? We didn’t know. What do you mean ‘you didn’t know’? The guy looked like he was the kid’s boyfriend. But he’s fine? Yes. Are you sure he’s alright? Yes. How did he get wounded? I don’t know, but the other guy looks worse. Marian, are you sure he’s fine? Yes.
Ray ran a hand over his face, propping his head against the wall as he watched a pair of stray clouds drift in front of the moon. The window misted with his breath and the smoke.
Seeing Alex walk into his flat with blood on him had almost made him flip. Tired and with barely one hour’s fitful sleep after the debacle at the mansion, the need to track down whoever had done that to the boy had been overpowering. The adrenaline still pumping fierce through his veins had forced him to use all of his will and energy in order to calm himself down and not scare Aleksandr more than he’d already been. The blood and the wounds on Alex had been enough to send him into a rage, but to hear the youth speak about being violated in his sleep had mortified him. He’d felt homicidal by the end of it and wanted to strangle the culprits with his bare hands.
The regret over not thinking matters through about Alex’s living situation was bitter. It had gutted him in the most shocking and unanticipated manner. Ray felt responsible. The boy had been already subjected to so many instances which had damaged him both physically and emotionally. The last thing he needed was his goddamn friend raping him as he slept. He squeezed his eyes shut. Too many things were happening at once and it was hard to keep track of all of them. He was just one man at the end of the day.
I’m an idiot.
Ever since the attempt to end his own life, being in close quarters with Aleksandr for too long had proved difficult. Raymond had done his best to avoid it, but at the same time something dragged him back like a magnet. Finding out that Victor and Alex were related had put Raymond into a state of shock which still lingered. It was all too recent for it to go away.
His gut had told him something was wrong from the very start. Meeting Alex had been a hit below the belt, his looks and mannerisms had thrown him off. Hearing him speak Russian had been the finishing blow. Ever since then, he had refused to think about it. But because of his own obstinacy, the boy could have succeeded in ending his own life.
He could’ve died, Ray thought, the sour taste of bile climbed up his throat. Had Alex called a day earlier, prior to him finding about his connection to Victor, Ray knew he would have ignored it.
Christ, it’s such a mess. The boy did have a point. His demeanour had partly changed because of what he knew. The guilt had bothered him before but that emotional punch had sent him to the ground reeling. So, now he was trying to make up for his shortcomings. The bits Aleksandr had let out about his former relationship and James’ words echoing in his mind did not help either. Ray felt like someone had splashed a bucket of iced water on him and he’d finally opened his eyes. He’d had a direct contribution towards Alex’s suicide attempt. This time, the guilt was just as unbearable as it had been over Dany’s death. Potentially worse.
What in God’s name is wrong with me?
Ray had been messing with Alex’s mind since the very beginning because he had been a selfish, desperate fuck, yet the boy still wanted a… relationship? Ray’s state of mind was far from being able to deal with whatever reality he was forced to face. The irony of the roles being reversed did not escape him either. He’d done the chasing long ago, instead he was now being chased. The thought alarmed him. It outright terrified him. He doubted Alex understood what he was asking for. The boy was not alright. His mind was muddled. His emotional fits were frequent, but Ray still couldn’t help feeling as if something was changed with him. He’d been sharper, quicker to talk back and seemingly more in control. It was either just an appearance, the medicine, or maybe Ray was getting more than a glimpse at his personality. It was unsettling to spend so much time around him, knowing Aleksandr was intent on him, absorbing his every move.
The boy was bold and unapologetic, just like Dany had been. Even Roman had shut his mouth when met with Ray’s anger, out of respect more than anything, but Alex plodded through with little regard to any sensibilities he might offend. Raymond would have more luck in shooting the moon down from the sky than shutting the young man up.
He stroked his bare arms as a chill passed over him. The ash tip of his cigarette scattered across his trousers with the movement. He smeared it with his thumb, distracted for a second from the blurred outline sleeping in his bed. Alex had forced his way into his life, his house, even his heart, gripping onto whatever he could and holding on tight. Ray had let him, out of weakness or yearning, he did not know and did not want to find out. He had to stress out repeatedly the boy wasn’t a replacement for what he’d lost before — not that his history with Dany made for fond memories. They were raw, visceral, having left a profound, irreparable mark in his heart and psyche. Despite that, it had been everything he’d ever had. He missed it. But it had ruined him.
The cigarette fizzled out forgotten between his fingers, burnt almost to the end. Ray leaned forward. The young man was wrapped in the duvet with only his face peeking out from under it, lips parted in sleep. He looked even younger like that, more innocent and fragile than he already was. It reminded Ray that Aleksandr had no clue of what he’d gotten himself into. Any future scenario he envisioned about the two of them would be unlikely. Ray hated admitting it, but the encounter with his old man had made him consider his predicament. Whenever he was faced with Aleksandr, he stopped thinking. It was wrong having him in his bed for a myriad of reasons, but most importantly because of how it had all started.
