Descent into madness a t.., p.44
Descent Into Madness: A Temporary Bliss Novel, page 44
“This place is nice,” I say, absorbed by the fire. “Are you moving here for good?”
Ray shakes his head. “It’s too big for us. Too empty,” he frowns. “Too many memories. I prefer my apartment.”
“Me too. When are you going back?”
“Not sure. I’ve realised it’s a trap. If something happens, there’s no way out of there.”
“Is this because of Stefan? It was him, wasn’t it? The one who tried to get into your flat.”
Ray shrugs. “I think so, yeah.”
“Well, it will all be over soon, I have a feeling.”
“Mhmm.”
“Are there any nice memories? About this place, I mean?”
Ray chuckles bitterly. “I nearly got killed in here in December.”
“Jesus, Ray.” I shoot him a bitter glance.
“I’m sorry,” he says, apologetic. “Here I met Dany,” he continues, his voice dropped to a whisper. My stare lingers, his lips thinning. He takes a drag. “There’s… memories of him in the house.”
“I see.” I take another sip. “Any good ones?”
“All of them are mostly sadness.” He grimaces, bringing the bottle to his lips. “Some despair.” He breathes out as if it’s been difficult to take air in.
“Aren’t those the ones that makes us most alive?” Ray remains quiet, watching me. Perhaps waiting for me to go on. Perhaps getting himself ready to go on. The ones that kill us the most. Maybe we both think it.
“Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and never meet him,” he says silently.
I sit back against the couch, sloshing around the whiskey in my glass. “Would that help?”
“No.” Ray takes a pensive drag from the cigarette. “And sometimes… I feel really guilty and ashamed, but I am glad it turned out this way.”
I look up and meet his gaze, something like kindling in there. “Why?”
He touches my jaw with the back of his hand, a part of me registers he’s not wearing the sling but blocks it out, overwhelmed by feeling. “Because I am glad you’re here instead,” he whispers.
I gulp, licking my lips. I look towards the fire, something too strong in that gaze to hold it just now, it’s smouldering everything in its way.
“You think it had to be this way?” I lean into the touch, eyes half closed.
“Perhaps.” His hand retreats too soon, Ray rests it back on his thigh, contemplative. “He didn’t like my affection.” He dips his head, searching for the bottle. “Didn’t like it when I expressed love. He pretended it did not affect him, so he just… avoided it. Used distractions. Like drugs. Fights. Vladimir.” He takes a swig, licks his lips as he props the bottle against his thigh. He puts out his cigarette and he casually reaches into my pack for another. “Do you know about that?”
“I… uhm… heard something about it.”
“Did you sleep with him?” he asks, brusque, yet wanting to sound unbothered, but his tone is emotional, grave, angry even.
“Will you believe me if I tell you that I haven’t?”
Ray looks up, frowning again.
“I wanted to,” I admit. “Just so that I could hurt you.” He smiles bitterly. “But I couldn’t bear the thought of it. If I’d done that to you, I would never be able to live with myself.”
“He spent the night at your place,” his tone accusatory now.
I chuckle. “Yeah. He did. On the couch, in the living room. You can ask Mark.” He seems unconvinced, trying to gauge whether I’m lying or not. “He tried to kiss me, but I stopped him.”
He twitches in spite of his composure.
“I didn’t do anything with him, Ray. I could… but it’s just… I don’t feel it. I know I’ve fucked men for less, but still.” I turn back to the fireplace, wrapping an arm around my ankles. “I’m done with that part of my life. Been done since you showed up.” He remains quiet. “I’m curious about something, though. So, indulge me.” He raises an eyebrow. “No, don’t worry. I won’t ask if you’ve fucked anyone.”
Ray’s eyes narrow, lips thinning around the cig, probably sensing I’m my usual idiotic self. “Well?”
“So, tell me. What kind of cursed flower did Dany have trapped up his arse that when you sniffed it, you both turned stupid?” Ray purses his lips, but then he smiles and breaks into laughter in spite of himself. I punch him playfully. “I wish I could’ve met him now. I bet he’d be a real charming bloke.”
“I doubt you’d get along,” Ray comments, picking up the bottle again.
“Oh, gee, I wonder why. So… is this your way of letting me know why you’re running away too? You don’t like my affection?”
“Hmmm,” he takes another puff. “I suppose you have a point.” He scoffs to himself, then frowns down at the ashtray.
“Are you afraid that if you let yourself feel something more for me, he’ll be gone for good?” Struck another chord with him. I perk up. “You feel guilty for wanting me.”
Ray stares down at his cigarette, then slowly looks up. “I do.”
I shift closer to him, leaning with my elbow against the couch. “Vlad said something about you.” He lifts a curious eyebrow again. “He said you love me.” Ray’s jaw tenses, his gaze wandering away, not really able to look straight at me. “But it’s true, isn’t it?” I whisper. “You came today.” I bite my lip. “And… just now… you’re jealous thinking about me and Vlad.”
“Stop biting it, you’re bleeding again,” Ray chides, pulling my lip from between my teeth. He dabs at the blood with his thumb. Then when that is done and can’t hold his attention any longer, he stares long at me, speechless.
“I don’t need you to say it,” I whisper. “I just… I just want to be the only one in your heart. I know it’s selfish but I… I’ll always wonder if you loved him more.”
“There’s different kinds of love,” Ray says. “And what I feel for you has nothing to do with Dany.” He rubs his thumb over my cheek. “I’ve never been like this with Dany. Never shared my bed with him like I do with you. Never been cared for so much while being sick. You’ve already given me more than Dany ever could.”
I lick the blood on my lip, thinking, listening to him. I tentatively reach for him, playing with my fingers on the back of his hand.
“Dany’s death ruined me. What you see now… the morphine… drinking… my outbursts… Sure, I was troubled before, but not like this.” He wets his lips turning his palm against mine. “I don’t want to have to go through it again. Not just the end, but everything from before too. Lies… and… distrust and fighting… I just can’t.” He nods to himself. “And you’re right, all that’s mine to deal with.”
“It kills me that I can’t erase your pain,” I whisper, strangely emotional. And it does. I wish I could lend him some of my conviction, newly found and all that as it is, but it could help him. Maybe there is still some innocence left in that thought.
“It’s not yours to bear,” he says.
“You don’t have to carry it alone.”
Ray smiles gently, warmly, cups my face and kisses my forehead. He brings me closer to him, wrapping his arm around me. I rest on his shoulder, mindful not to hurt him. His body relaxes next to mine, a relieved sigh in his bones as I settle next to him, or so I wish to believe. I was dying to hold him in my arms again, warm and alive like this. I place my hand over his chest, feeling his heartbeat. This treacherous heart of his that decided to stop on a whim today, scaring the beejezus out of me.
“What haunts me most is that I failed to protect him,” Ray says out loud, perhaps a stray thought, or genuine desire to share. I look up. “I couldn’t stop him from listening to Vitya. I couldn’t save him from himself.”
“Do you believe you killed him?”
He frowns again, looking inward. “I don’t remember much about that night. But the way he was hounding me,” he says softly. “I haven’t put it past him to shoot himself in the end.”
“Had he tried before?” I watch him carefully.
Ray nods, pained. “He’d use it against me. I tried leaving him before, but he kept coming back. He claimed he didn’t feel anything for me but whenever I was about to slip away, he was right there, waiting.” His hold tightens on me as he is staring into the fire. He takes a pensive puff from the cigarette. “Threatening to end himself if things didn’t go his way. He was vicious like that.”
“He sounds horrible. And that ain’t love. It’s just twisted and fucked up co-dependency.”
In spite of himself, Ray smiles. “It was the only love he knew. That’s what Victor’s taught him. Going against it tipped him over the edge.”
“Victor can go fuck himself.”
“Hey,” he chides, squeezing my shoulder. “What happened?”
“You know what happened.” I purse my lips, strangely trembling on the inside. “It was wrong of me to ask you to kill Stefan,” my voice breaks. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey…” He wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer to him again. “It’s alright.”
“I didn’t want to kill Bogo,” I confess. “I hate Vitya. I don’t want to be scared anymore,” I sob. “I don’t want you to get hurt again.”
“I’m sorry for not listening to what you needed before,” Ray says, running his fingers through my hair. “And for worrying you today.”
“I didn’t want any of it,” I sob, wiping my drunken tears.
Ray cups my face and kisses my temple. “I know.”
I bury my face in the crook of his neck, squeezing my arms around him. He’s so warm I could die right here and wouldn’t care about it.
“I’m sorry.” I wipe my nose. “You didn’t kill Dany. It’s not your fault.”
Ray shakes his head, wiping the tears off my face. “What’s done is done.” I sit propped against his thighs, but facing him, cuddled next to his body. He puffs more smoke. “I want you to understand something. I’ve killed for you before, and I would do it again. Do you understand?”
I gulp, nodding softly.
“It’s just… the fact I haven’t done anything so far it’s not because I didn’t want to. I would’ve shot that motherfucker dead that night, right there in front of everyone! But I need you to understand the position I’m in and how much I’ve got to lose. It’s not just you, or me, or Roman.” He looks straight at me. “Nicky’s future is at play too. The rest of my family’s. And you haven’t even given me time to move at my own pace.” He is silent for a moment. “But I’d kill that son of a bitch with my bare hands for you, do you get it?”
I nod slowly.
“It’s easy to get lost in this, Alex,” he gestures. “To feel powerful. I have too, believe me. I wouldn’t have ended up here if I hadn’t. Those are my mistakes and I live with them. They’re my sins to carry. I just didn’t want them to be yours too. I was there with you after you killed that man last year. I know what you’ve been through. I saw you. I held you in my arms, you were out of your mind. The thought of you… hurting yourself again, or anyone else hurting you… What happened today… It’s doing my head in. I can’t bear the thought of losing you, do you understand what I’m telling you?”
“I think I do.” I bite my lip. “I’d do anything for you too.” We fall silent. I frown, thinking about it, unsure whether I should bring it up or not. “You really hurt me at Christmas,” I whisper, sounding angry myself.
Ray grimaces. “You have no idea how sorry I am. Please, forgive me.”
I shake my head. “There’s nothing to forgive. I’ve messed up too.”
“Your mess ups don’t overturn mine. And I’ve been messing up since I’ve met you. I’ve put you in harm’s way and I’m sorry. I’ve been… unhinged ever since I met you. That doesn’t absolve me of anything, but I am sorry.”
I touch his face and his eyelids flutter closed. “You’re allowed to make mistakes.” He smiles gently. “I love you,” I whisper. “Please… don’t… don’t abandon me.”
If only… maybe to keep that carefree part of me alive for a little longer. I have no doubts the kind of person I’d turn into without his influence. Yes, my strength and the misery will carry me through, of that I have no doubt, but it would harden me so much that I’d become impervious to good emotions.
Ray pulls me into his lap, resting his head on my chest. “I promise,” he says, and the words come easy to him this time, without hesitating. “I won’t.”
I touch him freely, enjoying the feel of him. I rest my hand on his shoulder. “You’re not wearing your sling anymore.”
He looks up, grabs my left hand in his. “I wear it here and then.”
“Are you still in pain?”
“Sometimes,” he whispers. “But it really hurts today.”
“You’re all bruises,” I reproach.
He caresses the side of my face. “It comes with the job.”
“And…” I start. “The morphine?” I keep my voice low and my face close to his in the intimacy between us.
Ray watches me with a burning intensity, and when he doesn’t reply, I expect him to bolt. “I’ve tried to wean off a bit.”
I nod. “Good. You should. Do you always take it when you’re in this kind of pain?”
He smiles bitterly, “Depends on what you define as pain, then yeah.”
My heart breaks for him. “Are you… in denial about it?”
“Are we doing twenty questions now?” I pinch his arm. Ray chuckles, looking up at me. He rests his head against the edge of the couch. “No. I’m not. I’m aware of what I’m doing. I’m aware that… I’m addicted to it.”
“You could’ve told me,” I say slowly.
“I think our attempts at communication kept failing, Alex.”
“They seem to be working just fine now.” I’m stubborn on a good day. We’re making progress, this time I know we are. He’s been opening himself up to me. I just need to be patient with him. I know I’m a lunatic; he’s been contributing to it. He nods slowly.
“There’s something changed in you,” I remark. “You seem more at ease somehow.”
Ray rubs my shoulder with his right hand, the other wrapped over my waist keeping me close to him. “I’m reborn,” he says.
“I’m going to fucking punch you, I swear.”
“Again?” He chuckles, holding onto me as I glare at him.
“Not funny.”
“Hey. I’m still here. And I’m like this because you’re here.” He kisses me long and tender. We press our foreheads together, he’s holding his hands over the sides of my neck, his palms warm. “Are you sure you want this?” We kiss again, not parting with each other, talking between the kisses. “I can’t change everything overnight.”
I kiss him back, gently. “I just want to be with you. For real.”
Ray grunts, reuniting our mouths. “For real,” he whispers. “I’ve got…”
“What?”
“Conditions.”
“Hmmm?”
“No lying. No cheating. I’m not the type of man to indulge in that kind of relationship. Not any longer. I want this to be clear from the get-go.”
“You’re silly for even thinking about it. I just told you I don’t want anyone else but you.”
“It needs to be said,” he says, serious.
“Okay. Fine.”
“One more thing.”
“What?”
“I don’t want you around Morozov.”
I frown, but I also smile triumphantly.
“That smirk of yours,” he warns me. “Is this what you wanted from me? To be possessive with you?”
“What? Were you expecting a hissy fit?”
Ray frowns, hands wrapped protectively around my shoulders. “I wasn’t expecting you to give in so quickly.”
“I still want to be friends with him, but if I gotta choose between you, then I don’t need to think about it. What?”
“I don’t want to be unreasonable. I’m not Dumitrescu.”
I punch him lightly. “I wasn’t thinking you’re him. But what about my training?”
“I can… speak to Roman about it. Felix is also good enough with this.” He looks up at me, pained again.
“What’s wrong, Ray?”
“I… Look, you can hang out with him as long as Felix is there.”
“Is this going to drive you mad?” He frowns, I can tell it’s killing him to even contemplate it. “Then I won’t. I’m fine.”
“I don’t want you to end up hating me for it.”
“I appreciate it,” I smile. “And I’ll think about it. He’s been nice to me, but you’re more important right now.” He looks incredulous. I kiss him. Then I smile. “So… what does this make us?”
Ray props his nose against mine. “Meaning?”
“Like… am I your boyfriend or what?”
He lowers his chin, narrowing his eyes. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?”
“Are you asking?” I grin.
Ray chuckles. “I’ll think about it.”
I shove him playfully, but he keeps his hold on me. “You know I’m insecure, right?”
“I don’t want to define it.”
“Are you scared?” I taunt him.
“Maybe.
“Fine,” I scoff. “Raymond Ward, do you want to be my fuckin’ boyfriend or not?”
His eyes widen, then he bursts into laughter. “You’re like a boulder!”
“I’ll fuckin’ punch you, I swear to all that’s green and holy!”
But then he stops laughing and I realise he’s conflicted and bashful and it’s cute in a way. He turns serious when he looks at me, it’s making my breath hitch. Ray wraps our hands together and pulls me closer, his cheek pressed to mine.
“I know you want me to ask,” he says in a seductive voice. He watches for my reaction. “Do you want to be with me?” I nod, gulping. “Are you sure?” I nod again. “I can’t hear you.”
I feel my face burning. “Yes,” I whisper.
“Good,” he declares. “Once this is all done, I’m taking you out on a date.”
Chapter 27 – Alex
After falling asleep together last night, I wake up in the massive bed all by my lonesome, wondering if I’d dreamed it all. Panic surges in me for a moment at his absence, then I see Nicky still snoring in his bed and that calms me down somewhat.
