Maybe he did. Because they worked so well together? His work was, after all, the most important thing in his life. Something that he had no intention of being distracted from.

  But if she stayed would their personal relationship continue? Would Ella want it to when she knew she was falling more and more in love with Logan? That could end up being even more heartbreaking than leaving him to go and be almost literally a world away from him.

  There was an ache somewhere below Ella’s ribs that she hadn’t felt for so long it took a moment or two to realise what it was. It made her remember the time when she was far away from home and got the news that her mother was so ill.

  It was grief, wasn’t it? The kind of grief that could start even before you were actually missing having a particular person in your life. Because you knew with every fibre of your being just how much of a hole they were going to leave in your life when they were gone.

  Ella couldn’t possibly stay here permanently. Because that hole might become big enough to swallow her up completely.

  She put a dressing in place over the wound in Gemma’s belly. ‘You know what? I might go and see how the baby’s doing in NICU.’

  And Logan nodded but he was turning away to look at the monitor screens as Gemma was being brought out from under the general anaesthetic and Ella could feel distance being deliberately created between them. Because she’d mentioned the NICU? She’d never discovered why it was not one of his favourite places because she had respected his privacy, but feeling that distance—that barrier—was another warning that she’d got herself in too deep this time.

  And it was another reason she could never stay.

  * * *

  Ella spent more time in NICU than she had intended but it was so good to see how well Gemma’s baby daughter was doing and to hear that Gemma’s husband had been contacted and was on his way to be with his wife and new baby. And then, of course, it would have been unthinkable to leave without seeing Finlay and she found Iona there in a wheelchair, having skin-to-skin time with her son, tears of joy streaming down her face.

  That joy was still with Ella after she’d been to the locker rooms and changed out of her scrubs and back into civvies. She hadn’t seen Logan since she’d left the theatre suite and she wasn’t sure she even wanted to see him this evening, given the fear of how deeply involved she had somehow let herself get. She did, however, see someone who looked familiar as she was walking through the hospital foyer.

  A pregnant woman who was holding hands with a man. And they both looked pale. Frightened...?

  Ella stopped as they got closer. ‘It’s Margaret, isn’t it? Didn’t I see you at antenatal clinic last week?’

  The woman nodded. ‘This is my husband, Tom.’

  The couple had stopped as well. They were an island of three people in the middle of a still-busy foyer, but instinct told Ella that help was needed here.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ she asked. ‘Can I help?’

  Margaret’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I can’t feel my baby moving.’

  Ella caught her breath. ‘How long since you felt anything?’

  ‘A couple of hours.’ It was Tom who answered, as he put his arm around his wife’s shoulders. ‘She rang me at work when she started getting worried. I came home after that and I didn’t know what to do, so I’ve brought her here.’

  ‘You’ve done exactly the right thing,’ Ella told him. ‘Come with me.’

  She was holding her breath as she pushed the lift button to take them to the radiology department where she knew an ultrasound room would be available.

  ‘I looked it up online,’ Margaret told Ella as she climbed onto the bed in the dim room. ‘I’m thirty-seven weeks now so I know there’s less room in there and there won’t be so much kicking or anything. And I’d been busy doing some housework so I thought I might have missed feeling any movements and that was when I was going to start counting.’

  ‘When was the last time you can definitely remember feeling anything?’ Ella helped Margaret pull the waistband of her skirt down to expose her well-rounded belly and tucked a paper towel in to prevent gel getting onto the clothing.

  ‘At lunchtime. I had started to think he’d been asleep for a long time so I had something sugary. And I patted my tummy to try and wake him up and I did feel something then, but that’s...’ Margaret caught tears with her fingertips. ‘That’s hours ago...’

  Ella was scanning already. She could see the outline of the baby’s head and body. She could see limbs that were completely still. She changed the direction of the transducer and did a slow sweep across the lower abdomen. And then she stopped. She stared at the screen for a long, long moment, desperately wishing she didn’t have to tell these parents what she could see. But she did.

  ‘I can see the whole of baby’s heart,’ she told them quietly. ‘And it’s not moving. I’m so, so sorry but...your baby has died.’

  CHAPTER TEN

  LOGAN WALSH HESITATED before he was close enough to knock on the door of a very private delivery room.

  He needed to gather the strength he knew he had to deal with this most difficult situation and it required a mental tightrope that allowed him the distance he needed to protect himself and the compassion that was naturally there as a doctor, as a head of department. As a fellow human being. Logan had learned long ago how to do this, but it was so much harder this time.

  Because Ella was part of this.

  And he knew that she hadn’t hesitated to involve herself emotionally in this case and share the grief of a mother who had already lost her baby but still had to go through the birthing process.

  He’d been there for a meeting with Margaret and Tom when they’d had time to process the devastating news of their baby’s death. He’d talked them through the options, including waiting to go into a natural labour, which could take up to three weeks, and Margaret had chosen to be induced before being allowed to go home and prepare for the labour and birth that might not start for another forty-eight hours.

  ‘We’ll do whatever we can to help you through this,’ Logan had promised. ‘I’ll come and see you as soon as you’re admitted and make sure you’re getting everything you need.’

  So, here he was. He knew that Margaret and Tom were in this room, along with Judy as midwife and Ella, who had promised she would be with Margaret throughout her labour. Again, Logan had seen the way Ella could connect with people so easily and he could see the bond that was already there. He also knew that Ella would be the best person that these grieving parents could have with them at this time. He probably wasn’t even needed here.

  He hadn’t been needed by Ella in the last couple of days either. He’d tried to see her. She hadn’t answered his knock on her door the night before last, and when he’d turned up last night with a takeaway meal she’d thanked him with a smile that was heartbreaking but said she wasn’t hungry and that she needed to be on her own right now.

  Logan understood that better than anybody and he respected Ella enough not to push into the space she wanted—or needed—to deal with alone.

  But he’d promised Margaret that he would come to see her and he wasn’t about to break that promise. Logan tapped lightly on the door and slipped into the room.

  A lot of effort had clearly gone into the planning and preparation for this time. Margaret had her own linen and a soft woollen blanket on the bed. There were aromatherapy candles burning and soft soulful music playing in the background. Margaret was standing beside the bed, leaning forward with her hands clutching the blanket and Tom was standing beside her, rubbing her lower back. Judy was quietly in the background, like the music, but Ella was in the thick of it, leaning over the other side of the bed, her hands on top of Margaret’s, her focus completely on her patient.

  ‘Keep going, Margaret. Faster, lighter breathing as your contraction peaks—that’s it... Now you can slow it down again. That’s brilliant...’

  Logan waited until the contraction had passed and Margaret straightened to lean back against Tom. She noticed him standing near the door.

  ‘I won’t disturb you,’ Logan said. ‘Is there anything else you need? Are things okay with your pain relief?’ He glanced at Ella. ‘Is there still time for an epidural?’

  ‘I don’t want one,’ Margaret said. ‘I need to feel this.’

  ‘We’ve got a Luer in,’ Ella said. ‘We can give as much pain relief as Margaret wants.’

  ‘You know what I really want?’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘I didn’t ask... I wasn’t really thinking of it as the birth I planned and I didn’t think it would be possible but... I really wanted to have a water birth for Tayla...’

  Oh... God... Hearing the name of the baby was almost Logan’s undoing. He could feel his protective casing cracking. It wasn’t helping that he’d never seen Ella looking so sombre. Her eyes were so dark they looked black and there was a stillness to her features that was a complete contrast to the way he had become so used to seeing emotions play out on her face.

  He felt a bit lost, not being able to read how Ella was feeling as easily as he’d been able to before, but maybe this was an occasion when she needed to tap into some professional distance herself, even if it was only to gather her own strength at times?

  She sounded completely in control. ‘We can do that for you, Margaret. I think it’s a great idea.’

  Judy was already turning on the taps for the birthing pool in the room. As Margaret groaned with another contraction starting, Logan caught sight of what was to one side of this space—a Moses basket with tiny clothes folded into a pile on top of the mattress. Would Ella still be here when the birth was over and the baby was gently cleaned and dressed to be given to the parents to be with for as long as they needed?

  Logan was quite sure she would be.

  He could be too, if it would help Ella. She didn’t need to know how hard it would be for him. But when she saw the silent question in his eyes she gave a tiny shake of her head. A hint of a smile even, to let him know that she was fine.

  That she didn’t need him.

  * * *

  The sadness stayed with Ella for days.

  She would never forget delivering that perfect baby girl who had suffocated in the womb because the umbilical cord had wrapped itself around her neck, or the courage of her parents as they both welcomed and prepared to say goodbye to an already much-loved infant. It had to be one of the most profound silences you could ever hear in that space of time after the birth, when no baby’s cry was going to be heard.

  Margaret and Tom were left in privacy with their baby for much of the next twelve or so hours that they chose to spend with Tayla, but Ella had made herself available at all times and paid brief visits to check on how they were doing. Precious memories were being collected. A lock of hair, prints of tiny hands and feet. Visits from other family members including Tayla’s big brother, Lachlan There were some hauntingly beautiful photographs taken by a studio that was experienced in handling a session like this with compassion and sensitivity.

  Logan was being very sensitive as well. Ella knew there was an open invitation to talk to him or share a meal after work but she found herself pulling back. Because she knew she would probably fall apart in his arms and might even confess how she felt about him, and that would change everything. Any remaining time in her locum position here might become unbearable. And it had been her idea right from the start to make the most of the time they could be together, hadn’t it? It would be a bit unfair to ruin it for both of them. She just needed a day or two to pull herself together and find the kind of optimism that had always kept her moving forward and making her life as good as it could possibly be.

  She was trying to remind herself of what she’d told Logan. That protecting yourself from not feeling the pain of a distressing case meant missing out on feeling the joy of the best cases, but this was hard enough to make her wonder if Logan actually had the right idea. That the way to protect yourself and be the best doctor you could be was to keep a professional distance.

  Maybe she could adjust her balance and learn to not let her emotional pendulum swing quite so far.

  She was going to give it a go. Starting from now...

  Mind you, even Logan looked as though this case had got to him, despite his ability to keep that distance. He’d looked kind of tired at work over the last couple of days. A bit paler than normal, even? Perhaps it wasn’t as easy as he’d made it look up till now to maintain a purely professional relationship in some cases?

  Ella finished the sketches she’d made of her ideas for converting Logan’s barn and put them in an envelope to leave quietly by his door before she headed out for a walk on her next day off. He must have heard her door closing or something, however, because his door opened.

  ‘Hey...you’ve got a day off too?’

  ‘Yeah... I’m just heading out for a walk. I was just leaving this for you. They’re the sketches I’ve been doing for the barn.’

  Logan slipped them out of the envelope and scanned them in silence.

  ‘These are amazing,’ he said. ‘I can’t thank you enough.’ He caught her gaze. ‘You’re very talented. You know that, don’t you?’

  Ella shrugged. She could feel another question beneath that one.

  Are you okay? Is there anything I can do to help...?

  She wanted to ask the same thing of him, but it felt as if she could be treading on an emotional minefield and what she really needed was a break.

  So Ella gave her head a tiny shake as a response to both Logan’s questions, spoken and silent. ‘You could take a photo of your favourite sketches,’ she said brightly. ‘And send them to your estate agent. Have you put the property on the market yet?’

  ‘I’m about to go out there and cut the grass. I’ve been to the hire place this morning and got all the gear I need in my car. I just came back for a bite of lunch.’ Logan’s eyebrows rose. ‘Would you like to come out with me? Get some fresh air?’ His smile was completely crooked. ‘I seem to remember you wanted some experience with grass cutting machinery to put on your CV?’

  That made Ella smile, and just the act of smiling somehow made things a little bit better.

  ‘That’s true. I did say that.’

  Ella could remember what Logan had said too. About the way he’d promised to make it worth her while in that raspy, sexy voice. And maybe that was exactly what was needed here. A reset? Getting back to where they’d been, content with making the most of a temporary relationship.

  ‘And I meant it,’ Ella added. She smiled at Logan. ‘Just give me a minute to put on some old clothes?’

  ‘Take your time. I’m going to have another look at these amazing drawings of yours.’

  * * *

  This was just what the doctor ordered as far as Ella was concerned.

  Some hard physical work outside. A world away from work and such a painful reminder of the downside of being emotionally involved with her patients. Logan seemed to sense that she didn’t want to talk about anything work-related so he only talked about what they were doing. How short the grass needed to be. What branches needed to be pruned off the trees and did the ivy on the pixie house need to be trimmed?

  ‘Yes,’ Ella decreed, her arms full of pruned branches from the willow tree that she was taking to the heap, out of sight around the corner of the barn. ‘But try not to cut that daisy bush that’s growing near the door. That’s really pretty.’

  The sun came out and gave them a hint of what this garden—when it became a garden and not just an overgrown patch of meadow—would be like in summer. Both Logan and Ella took off their warm layers of clothing and got their arms scratched by branches and prickles in the grass that needed to be trimmed and raked before the mower could be used to make it look something like a lawn. They got hot and dirty and tired but it was one of the best afternoons Ella had had in a very long time.

  ‘I think we’re done,’ Logan finally declared.

  ‘Thank goodness.’ Ella sat on the bank beside the pond and then dropped backwards to lie flat, closing her eyes from the low angle of the sun in the late afternoon and stretching her arms out sideways. She knew Logan had sat down beside her because his leg brushed her fingertips. He didn’t say anything and as the seconds ticked by and she breathed in the delicious smell of freshly cut grass she began to hear the faint birdsong from the hedgerows and the sound of sheep in the distance. A bee buzzed overhead and something splashed in the pond. And then she heard something unexpected. An insistent peeping sound that was loud enough to make her sit up.

  ‘Is that...?’

  ‘It’s your duck.’ Logan nodded. ‘Look...’

  Ella shaded her eyes. The lovely big white duck with the yellow beak was swimming towards them on the pond, and behind her was a string of fluffy yellow ducklings. They came closer and closer and then climbed out of the pond to inspect the newly mown grass.

  ‘Oh...oh...’ Ella found her eyes suddenly filling with tears. ‘They’re so adorable...’ She swiped a tear away. ‘This is exactly what I needed after such a horrible week at work. Thank you, Logan.’ She turned to smile at him, wanting to kiss him perhaps, but as soon as she saw his face she froze.

  She wasn’t the only one crying.

  Logan was staring at the ducklings. And he had tears rolling down the side of his nose.

  And Ella’s heart was breaking.

  ‘What is it?’ she asked softly. ‘What’s wrong?’

  She could see the effort that Logan was making to control himself. To push things away. Whatever it was, he didn’t want to talk about it, but this time Ella wasn’t going to let him run away. She wanted to understand. There was something hurting the man she loved and she desperately needed to know what it was.

 

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