The crush, p.18
The Crush, page 18
“Ha,” Rider guffaws, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “I’m actually quite wise.” I lift an eyebrow to challenge him. “I am, Emery, don’t give me that look. Let’s try a problem on for size. Why did y’all let Jake and Bridgette run y’all off from the bowling alley?”
I open my mouth to shut him down, but Sawyer intercepts me. “It’s because of me. Jake’s always on my case because I dated Bridgette. They act like I’m trash because my family is so screwed up.”
“Ah.” Rider takes his time sitting at the head of the table “Take a seat, young grasshopper, and let me teach you my ways.”
Sawyer sits next to him without hesitation. Suppressing an eye roll, I do the same. Bowing our heads, Rider blesses the food and we dig in.
“The ones who are screwed up,” Rider continues amid bites of collard pizza, “are not your family. Every family goes through tough situations, but if they surrender the problem to God, He’ll help them through it.”
Sawyer wipes his mouth with a paper towel. “I thought you said you didn’t go to church.”
“Hey, I still believe in the Big Guy.” Rider points upwards. “My struggle is with the politics in His house. Though, a while back, there was a time when I did question all I’d been taught about Him.”
He takes a swig of Mountain Dew. “I don’t know how much Em’s told you, if at all, but I was a rough character when I was your age. You name it, I did it. I knocked myself so low there were times when I wanted it all to end. I had screwed up so much, lost everyone’s good opinion of me. Nights were never-ending, and I wanted to take every last bullet I had and send them through my skull.”
The house remains silent, except for the hum of the refrigerator.
“But even though I did my best to go against Him, God was still looking out for me. He still is. And when I finally realized I can’t outrun Him, and need to surrender, only then did things start looking up.
“See, you can’t let other people’s judgments on what is holy influence your relationship with God. People won’t always forgive you when you apologize, but God will. Always. Don’t let Jake and Bridgette steal your joy. That goes for either of you. That’s why, when I finally decided to give church another try, I went to Grandpa’s church.”
Sawyer hangs on every word Rider says, his pizza slice held mid-air. He sets the half-eaten slice back on his plate.
I mirror his actions, incredulous. “Forget what I said. That wasn’t gibberish.”
Chapter Fourteen
August 2009
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“And now, please turn your attention to the screen and sing along with ‘In the Hands of God’ by Newsboys!” Brigette claps her hands above her head, jumping up and down on The Burrow’s stage.
Sawyer stands next to me, back in his former seat after months of avoidance. Rider’s words of wisdom had an effect on him, as he’s been eager to be back in church ever since. And, for the first time in a while, his focus is not on Bridgette.
The youth in The Burrow sing along with the upbeat song, and Sawyer elbows me in the side. “That means you too, Emery.”
“I told you, I don’t sing,” I whisper.
“But the Bible says to make a joyful noise.”
“Hey, I’m praising Jesus in my heart, alright? Just because it’s not verbal, doesn’t mean it’s nonexistent.”
“Got me there.” He shrugs and continues singing, his lulling voice giving me goosebumps once again.
When Sunday school worship is over, the Praise and Worship team clears the instruments from the stage, and our group heads to the sanctuary.
“It’s good to have you back.” I smile up at Sawyer as we walk down the hall.
“I think he gets it. You’ve only told him that every week,” Auden teases. She and Brynn look over their shoulders in front of us, giggling.
“Well, it’s nice to hear,” Sawyer defends, throwing an arm around my shoulders.
“Classic case of pathetic rebound if I’ve ever seen one,” Bridgette comments from behind, walking slowly in her wedged heels.
Brynn’s hand balls into a fist. “Say one more thing to my brother, or Emery, and I’ll lay you out right here, hussy.” She pounds her fist into her palm for emphasis.
Sawyer takes Brynn’s hand in his, his reply smooth, “Hey now, little sis. Ain’t nothing to get riled up over.”
“But, she just—”
“Who?” Sawyer asks, gesturing around. “I didn’t hear anyone worth listening to say anything.” He turns back to grin at me, nodding his head toward the sanctuary. “But come on. I think the sermon will be something good.” He walks on without batting an eye at Bridgette. She huffs like a donkey behind me, and the click of her heels fades off behind the bathroom door.
I’ve never been prouder of my brother for not minding his own business.
“SO, ARE YOU EXCITED about school starting back next week?” Sawyer asks.
Sawyer and I sit on the old rusted metal swing in Rider’s backyard, escaping another supper from the Alston’s house, this time with our sisters in tow. Miss Jodie has been hounding Sawyer all week, empty nest syndrome sinking in. He’ll be moving into his dorm at the University of Warner Grove the same time classes start back at Linwood Whaley High.
I set my guitar down on the grass, stretching my legs. “Is one ever ready to reenter that torture chamber? I have Mr. Park again for Geometry first period.”
Sawyer laughs. “I was blessed not to have him. One of the only perks of moving here as an upperclassman, I guess.”
“But I’ll have that psychopath this year.” Brynn huffs, rolling her eyes. She scratches Sassafras, the demon chihuahua, behind the ear. “But at least Bentley’s in my class.”
“How do you know? Orientation isn’t until Thursday.” Auden runs over, Porter waddling to catch up.
“He told me at youth group Wednesday night while you were in the restroom. He and Mercedes broke up again, you know.” She lifts her chin, daring my sister to question her knowledge. In backup, Sassafras growls at Porter, who plops in a heap in the shade of the swing.
“You’re pathetic, you know that?” I say, patting Porter’s wrinkly head. Rider brought him over to our house when Grandpa passed away, and the CD-eating hound became my confidant when I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. In ways, he’s now a much older, lazier version of Buddy.
“’Scuse me,” Auden mumbles, sitting next to me on the swing.
Sawyer grimaces, shifting his weight. “Can y’all maybe take the dogs for another lap around the yard? There’s something I want to talk to Emery about.”
Auden dusts off her lap, standing. “Say no more.” She extends a hand for him to shake. “Welcome to the family, my brother-in-law.”
I lean my head back against the torn green fabric, begging God to start the rapture.
Auden nudges Porter out from under the swing, luring him to follow her with a dog treat. “Come on, Porky Porter. That’s it, boy. Come get the fake bacon.”
Brynn produces a second eye roll, toting Sassafras behind Auden. “Middle schoolers.”
And she was so mature at the sleepover snooping through my room? Turning to face Sawyer, I’m met with a small, purple flower.
“I saw you looking at them last time.” He offers it to me. “I want you to have it. To remind you of me when I’m at college.”
My heart catches in my throat. “Thanks, Sawyer. That’s really sweet.” The sweetest gesture any guy’s ever done for me.
“You’re welcome.” He clears his throat, leaning back further against the bar holding the swing’s canopy. “So...”
“So...” I repeat, admiring the delicate flower.
“I feel like I should’ve enrolled at a community college first. Maybe then Mom wouldn’t be nagging me to pick a major.”
I force a laugh, attempting to calm my nerves. I’ve been both dreading and anticipating this conversation for weeks. “You’ll get it figured out soon enough.”
He toes at a ladybug in the grass. “Maybe.” He grunts. “Since I can’t make money with music.”
“Hey, no one said you have to give up completely,” I say, swatting him. “Even if they think it’s a stupid hobby, please keep at it. God gave you that gift, and I’d hate to see it go to waste.”
He returns my swat, grinning. “Back at you.”
My pulse hammers as his fingers close over mine. This is it. This conversation dictates the nature of our relationship from here on out.
“And besides the major...” He scratches the back of his neck with his free hand, his brown eyes never leaving mine. “Well, it would’ve made this decision a lot easier.”
My mouth runs dry. “What do you mean?”
He stares down at the grass. “When I applied to UWG, I saw it as a one-way ticket out of here. They’re offering me a partial scholarship for my grades, so it’ll be cheaper than other schools around here. But I was all-in because it’s far enough away that it’d be pointless to commute every day. I never thought I’d have a reason to stay here.”
His thumb trails over the back of my hand, though he still won’t meet my gaze. He means me.
“I... Emery, this summer... thank you for spending it with me. It’s been the highlight of my time in Grahamwood. In fact, it’s been one of the best summers of my life. I needed it.” His voice drops to a whisper. “And I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too,” I say, urging him to look at me. “But I’m sure we—”
He shakes his head. “I wish we could, Em. I’ve cherished every moment we’ve spent together this summer. You don’t know how many nights I’ve laid awake thinking about the deal we made.” His voice cracks. “You’ve helped me realize that love may still be out there for me. And you don’t know how badly I want that with you. It kills me to say it, but now’s not the time for us to start dating.”
Though I knew they were inevitable, the words skewer my heart, rendering me speechless. My hand goes limp, falling from his light grasp. We never even became official. I swore I wasn’t gullible enough to think it’d happen. And yet, he’s still managed to break my heart.
Against my will, a tear drizzles onto my cheek. I said I wasn’t going to be naïve. The cruelest lie I’ve ever told myself.
“That’s the last thing I wanted to do,” Sawyer brings his hand to my face.
I scoot out of his reach. “Don’t touch me.”
His forehead knots. “Emery... no, it’s not what you think.”
“Don’t feed me some cliché line, Sawyer,” I bite. “What, is Bridgette trying to win you back?”
“No.” He takes a deep breath. “No, I haven’t even thought about her that way in months.”
“Then why are you giving up on this?” The question tumbles out before I can stop it. I didn’t even realize I wanted to be with him this much. I’m the one who stuffed him in the friendzone.
He brings his hand up to swipe the tear despite my resistance, a laugh bubbling out when I squint at him. “I’m not. Look...”
He bites his lip, mulling it over. “I meant every word I’ve said about my feelings for you. And what I said about waiting to give us a try, I still mean that. But my moving over an hour away, starting a new school, taking on all this new stress... I don’t want to drag you into all that from day one. Emery, when I ask you to be my girlfriend, I want to be the best guy I can be for you. Right now, with all this going on... I have the potential to relapse. Depression and anxiety can rear their ugly heads at any time, and I don’t want you to have a front row seat. I know what hurting you feels like and I never want to cause you pain again.”
“You’re too late for that, Sawyer Alston.” I sniff. “Because I’ve claimed my front row seat long ago, and I’ve learned caring about you isn’t something I can just switch off. Even if we’re going to stay friends for now, if you hurt, I’ll hurt. And if by now you can’t see I’m okay with that...”
“Just trust me, okay? This isn’t a decision I made lightly. I’ve prayed about it all summer. I even talked to Mom, and she said the same thing.”
“She told me I was good for you.” Was that another one of her lies?
“And that’s why she thinks we need to wait. She says I’ve pulled a 180 this summer, and knows it has a lot to do with your help. But I can’t use you as a crutch for all this upcoming stress. She and I agree I need time to figure out how to handle it on my own, seeking God.”
The tense sensation in my shoulders releases as I ponder his reasoning. Have I been a crutch for him this summer? Sure, he’s slowly relearning to rely on God, but I’ve had to step in and save the day a few times too. As much as I want to help him, I can’t do it alone. Only God can pull him from the darkness.
“Alright,” I surrender at last, releasing a slow breath. “I trust you. But Sawyer?”
His eyes settle on mine, peace finally glinting from them.
“Please don’t forget me.”
SAWYER DROPPED US BACK off at the house tonight, where I’ve battled silent tears in my room ever since. Even if it’s for the right reasons, the fact he’s choosing to wait has forced so many what-if scenarios into my mind.
What if he meets some perfect girl at UWG and forgets all about me? What if Bridgette makes the cheer team at her college and they reunite at a game? What if we have to wait until he’s completely through with college?
I was told to never settle, to wait for God to bring the right man into my life, but I never thought about how much faith I’d need to muster to reach that point. Perhaps, through this time apart, we both need to seek a stronger reliance on God.
Wiping tears from my eyes, I grab the Bible I’ve been haphazardly studying with Sawyer from the bookshelf. Unzipping the cover, a folded sheet of paper falls at my feet.
Upon inspection, Sawyer’s familiar chicken scratch lies beneath the fold. I take in the crooked lines on the page:
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For all that it’s worth,
For all that it means,
You’re my first and last thought,
My end and my beginning.
Months have passed on, without a word.
Can you hear me now?
Can’t you see that love is all I ever wanted to offer?
.
For all that it’s worth,
I never meant to pry.
I was so close, yet so far,
I only wanted to try.
Months have passed on, without a sight.
Can you see me now?
Can’t you see that love is all I ever wanted to offer?
.
Try as I may, I might never succeed.
Yet I spend every night, kneeling on my knees.
For all that it’s worth,
For all that it means,
I want you to know,
I mean everything.
.
Try as I may, I might never succeed.
I spend every night, begging God please.
For all that it’s worth,
For all that it means,
I want you to know,
I’ll wait.
Hear me.
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P.S. “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” -Isaiah 40:31
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He won’t forget me.
Chapter Fifteen
October 2009
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October 11, 2009
Dear Diary,
It’s only been two months since Sawyer moved to Warner Grove for college, but it feels like a lifetime. Sorry I haven’t written much since the summer; I’ve tried to keep my feelings for him out of sight and out of mind to keep myself sane, but it’s not working.
Whenever I walk the breezeway at school, I expect to see him in that wrinkled charcoal gray T-shirt. When we’re at church on Sunday mornings, I catch myself glancing over my shoulder before the service starts, waiting for him to slink in. I knew he’d be leaving since the day we met, yet I never imagined it would come to affect me this much.
Sundays bring on the worst of it, as I sit in the row next to Auden and Brynn, reminiscing the short-lived spell of having Sawyer back in church. Back believing in love, and in God.
I hear from him throughout the week, mostly by text. Neither of us have unlimited texting, so we have to keep our conversations short. He seems to be doing okay right now, taking general ed classes. Thankfully, his roommate, Devon, is a Christian and has convinced him to go to the campus services with him, so he’s probably in good hands.
Still... I wish they were mine.
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Closing my diary, I grab my guitar and play a few chords of “Imagine That”, hoping it’ll help inspire peace over the situation. When I reach the chorus, lyrics about a love that lasts forever conjure in my mind, and doubts rear their ugly heads again.
Setting my guitar back down, I flip through my lyric book and pull out the song Sawyer wrote just for me for the hundredth time since his departure. Letting the handwritten lines wash over me, I remind myself of the reason we’re doing this in the first place. We can’t stand together, stably, unless we can first stand on our own, with God as our foundation.
Tucking it back in the notebook, I set my sights on my Bible, turning to the verse in Isaiah he scrawled at the bottom of the lyric sheet. For the first time since Grandma Adeline passed, I dig back into the word of God on my own.
“WANNA JOIN THE FFA? It’s like the FarmersOnly of high school.” Ryanne slides yet another flier across our lunch table.
Without so much as a glance, I ball it up and toss it over my shoulder into the trash can. So far this week, I’ve declined her invites to join the FBLA, the art club, and the archery team, all attempts to get Sawyer off my mind by introducing other guys.
She doesn’t even flinch. “Why don’t you join Facebook to keep up with people from school? I’ve got one and I love it. Lots of cute guys on there.”
