All we have, p.29
All We Have, page 29
“Sorry, gosh, I didn’t mean.....,” he was looking at me in concern, holding me by the shoulders as if I might fall down without him there to hold me up. I looked up into his face and suddenly the events of the past few days, together with my worries about how I was going to deal with facing Meg again after all this time overwhelmed me. I felt my eyes fill with tears.
“Aw, Paige, honey, don’t.....” He pulled me against him again, gently this time, but holding me as if he never planned to let me go again. “I’m so sorry, I should never have left you alone.” I relaxed into his arms, reveling in the sensation of being held by him again. I was scared to think about how much I’d missed this. We’d only been apart a matter of days. But so much had happened during those days that it felt like weeks since we’d found out about Meg’s plans for Tamara. I knew I should be asking him whether he’d managed to find the people he’d been looking for, the ones who he thought might be able to help with stopping Meg making changes to Tamara’s character.
But, selfishly, all I could think about was how much I was dreading the thought of ever being parted from him again. And the worst thing was that, in my heart, I now knew it was inevitable we would be. Given our situation, it would be criminally stupid to think otherwise. The insurmountable fact was that we were from two different worlds, and worlds that didn’t play well together at that. This was not simply a relationship between people from opposite sides of town, or differing religious background, or some form of long-distance relationship. Dan’s world was occupied by fictional characters, mine by real. Try as we might, and as much as we wanted to be together, I knew deep down that we would never be able to work this out. This was what I’d been desperately refusing to think about since I’d first found out Dan’s secret. Any relationship I might have hoped to have with this guy had been doomed right from the start, I admitted to myself. Part of me had always known it, but in this instant I stopped fighting and gave in. Giving up, I suppose you would call it.
Which was kind of pathetic and self-pitying of me, I know. But hey, what would you have done? Maybe what I did next. I’m not proud of it, but I got angry. And not just a little bit. I got really angry, so angry I wanted to punch something. Or maybe someone. And Dan, the person I most wanted to be with, the guy I’d spent the last two weeks falling in love with and the past three days longing to see was now the person I most wanted to punch.
“Where the hell have you been?” I shouted, pushing his hands away, ignoring the shocked expression on his face as he registered my fury. At that moment I hated him, and I let him have it with both barrels. “Do you have any idea of where we’ve been for the past few days? That...that nutter only had us locked up! Both of us,” I gestured at Tamara, then back at myself, “locked up!”
I was screeching at him now, and Tamara took a step forward at this point, placing a restraining hand on my shoulder. “We’re out now, though, Paige,” she said soothingly.
“Well, that’s marvelous, isn’t it? That’s alright then, hmmmm?” I sneered, my voice dripping with sarcasm as I turned my anger on her. “But what am I supposed to do now? How do you suggest I explain my entirely inexplicable absence to Meg?” My voice quivered at the thought of poor Meg, who was probably sitting at Bill’s place right now worried sick about me.
“Okay, okay,” Tamara put her hands up in a gesture of surrender, backing away from me, her voice cold as ice and just as hard. “Excuse me for making the effort to get you rescued. I should have just left you there to rot.” It was her turn to be angry, and I knew I deserved it, but I was too far gone myself to worry about how little she deserved my anger.
“Yeah, well maybe you should have,” I shot back, “because let’s face it, I’m no better off here with him,” I jerked my head in Dan’s direction, and the sound of his swiftly indrawn breath told me the barb had hit its mark. “What am I supposed to do now? How can I possibly explain any of this....this mess to Meg, and...and...?” As I spoke I realized the enormity of the situation I was in, the hopelessness of it all a suddenly I couldn’t talk anymore for the great wracking sobs that burst from me, shaking my body from head to toe. Tamara and Dan just stood there, looking at me, Tamara with loathing, and Dan with an expression that was harder to read but which I thought contained a mixture of guilt and longing and fear.
I’d managed to forget Bosola was even with us, so I started in surprise when he moved from where he’d been standing behind me. Planting himself in front of me, he looked down at me with a serious expression on his face. He said nothing, only waited patiently for me to stop crying. It took a while, but I managed to stop and then, when he finally did speak, his voice was so low I’d to strain to hear it.
“These things you say. You cannot mean them,” he began.
“Oh yes I do,” I muttered, sniffing a little, as the bout of tears had made my nose run.
“You are unhappy because you feel lost,” he continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “You believe nothing can save you now from your fate.”
“I believe, no actually I know Meg’s going to kill me, if that’s what you mean.” I retorted, wiping ineffectually at my tear smeared face.
“But this is your aunt,” Bosola remonstrated. “She loves you. You have only been gone for a few days. Surely she will understand?”
“Maybe where you come from teenagers can abscond without explanation no questions asked, but in my neck of the woods that’s grounds for a full-scale police search,” I snapped back. “Then all the more reason not to waste any more time standing around here,” Dan said quietly. “I think it’s time I took you home.” Turning on his heel he walked out. I stood staring after him, my mouth opening and shutting like a fish out of water.
“I suggest you get going,” Tamara said. Her voice was expressionless.
“Fine,” I replied, feeling bad for having snapped at her but not bad enough to apologize. I was the one who had to go back and face the music, after all. None of them knew how hard that was going to be.
“Fine,” she threw the word back at me like a poison-tipped dart, folding her arms across her chest and staring at me with utter loathing and contempt. That didn’t leave me much option except to stalk after Dan. Emerging from the dim garage into the bright sunlight, I found him sitting in his car, engine running, his eyes fixed on anything but me. I got in without speaking, and had barely managed to close the door when he jammed his foot on the accelerator, throwing me back into my seat.
Gritting my teeth I elected not to say anything, deciding my continued silence would convey more clearly how I was feeling. But even as I thought this I realized I’d no idea myself how I was feeling. Except I knew I was already feeling slightly sick about all I’d said and done in the last few minutes. I cared about Dan. A lot. I’d been worried about him, wondering where he was, ever since Bertha had come to the house and tricked me into going back with her. All the time I’d been locked up by the Duke, I’d just wanted to escape to find Dan. And all I’d wanted to do when I did see him again was to fling my arms around him and not let go for an indecently long time.
So how come, now I was free, now I had him right beside me, all I seemed to feel was angry with him? If I was being fair about it, none of this was any more his fault than it was mine. But, looking at his profile, I worried he was so offended by my outburst that he was never going to talk to me again. I’ve never felt worse in my life than I did on that short drive from Jack’s garage to the schoolhouse.
But Dan didn’t stop at the schoolhouse. Ignoring my surprised look, he pulled into Bill’s driveway instead, parking just in front of the house. I worried Meg would see us, and then belatedly remembered we were still in Dan’s world, and that in this world this was his house, not Bill’s. Still refusing to look at me, Dan got out of the car and made for the front steps of the house. I didn’t have much option but to get out and follow him. By this stage I was feeling seriously contrite about all the awful things I’d said to him. After all, I was the one who had followed Bertha back under the curtain. Dan had specifically told me to be careful after Tamara had told him what the Duke was plotting. It was hardly Dan’s fault I’d taken it upon myself to go back under the curtain with her. “Dan,” I called, and he stopped, and I could tell by the way he squared his shoulders that he was bracing himself for another onslaught. “Look, I’m sorry, I....I don’t...I mean, I didn’t....”
He cut me off, his voice harsh. “Whatever, Paige. I know you’re angry with me, you’ve got every right to be,” he still hadn’t turned to face me. “I made a big mistake, taking you with me into the schoolhouse that day. Once you turned around from the window, and I saw you clearly enough to realize you weren’t Tamara, I should never have risked it.” He turned around then, and the expression on his face was bleak. “Because now look where we’ve ended up. What a damn mess.” He glanced at me then, and saw my face, which felt like it was swelling up it was so red, the end of my nose was glowing red too, with the effort of holding back the tears that were welling behind my eyes.
“I’ve brought you here so hopefully we can get an inside feel for how the land lies with Meg before we actually have to see her,” he explained, his voice softening a little. “I figured if we go back via the wardrobe in my...I mean your bedroom,” he corrected himself, “we might be able to overhear some stuff that helps us work out how best to explain your absence.” He shrugged then. “It’s not much of a plan, but I can’t think of anything else.”
I looked at him, slightly aghast. “You don’t think we might want to have some kind of a story worked out before we get in there?”
“Okay,” he agreed tersely, nodding. “You’re probably right there. Only problem with that plan is what story do you think Meg’s going to buy that will explain your disappearance?”
That stopped me cold for a bit. I thought for a moment. “Well, I don’t know, maybe something about getting lost?” Even I knew how feeble this sounded. I sighed. “This isn’t going to work, is it?”
Dan’s mouth was a straight line as he contemplated the situation. Eventually, he shook his head, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but we don’t really have any option. The longer we stay here, the longer you’re missing for. I think our best option is to try and say as little as possible, plead exhaustion. That way Meg’ll leave you alone for a while at least, while you sleep, and we can try and work out a plan from there.”
“Are you planning on coming through with me?”
“Of course,” Dan looked surprised at the question.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” I asked tentatively.
“I don’t think it’s a bad idea,” he said defensively, “but I get the feeling you do.”
Honestly, right then there was nothing I’d have liked better than to have his company when I confronted Meg. But I knew her well enough to know I’d be better off alone. If someone was going to get it in the neck about all this, it might as well be me. No point in both of us copping it. “Well, it’s just I think it will be easier for me to sell the line that I’ve been lost if I don’t have you, local boy with local knowledge, with me. Plus if Meg sees you, she’s going to start asking more questions about where you live, who your parents are, and then we’re really going to be in trouble.”
Dan considered this for a moment, running a hand through his hair as he thought. I could tell he didn’t like the idea of me facing the music on my own, but he couldn’t fail to see the logic of my argument. “I guess you’re right,” he agreed eventually, “but I don’t like leaving you to face the music on your own.”
“Right now, it’s definitely the lesser of two evils,” I assured him, trying not to show how scared I was at the thought of going back under that curtain.
Two minutes later and we were standing in Dan’s bedroom, which was in the same state of disarray as the last time I’d seen it. The bed looked like he’d just that minute leapt out of it, having spent most of the night wrestling with the top sheet and blankets to the point where they were a tangled mess. A pair of jeans had been left to lie where they’d dropped onto the floor, and at the end of the bed was a pair of sneakers, abandoned where he’d removed them.
“I don’t know how you live in this pigsty,” I admonished him.
“I only come here to sleep,” he protested, kicking a stray sock under the bed as if he thought that was somehow an improvement. Then, crossing to the wardrobe, he held the door open, gesturing for me to go in first.
“Time to get this over with,” I said, stepping forward. As I moved past him to go into the wardrobe I heard him mutter something under his breath that sound suspiciously like a curse. And then, before I could think what he was doing he was grabbing me, his hands tight on my upper arms pulling me back towards him, turning me to face him. All the air went whooshing out of me as he wrapped his arms tightly around me, and as if that wasn’t already enough to make me feel lightheaded, he was kissing me. And, breathless as I was, I was kissing him back. Suddenly I’d no thought of Meg and all the explaining I’d to do and all the trouble I was in. Because Dan was kissing me. The amazing thing about being kissed by someone you really like is, while you’re kissing them, everything else in your life, all your problems, every worry about school, parents, friends, impending fashion emergencies, all that stuff just fades away, kind of like the annoying nasal voice of your social studies teacher fades as soon as the classroom door closes behind you at the end of class. Unfortunately, even the best of kisses comes to an end, and when that happens, you’ll find, as I did then, that all those things coming rushing on back screeching to a halt in your brain and starting up again just where they left off. Again, kind of like your social studies teacher. The kiss, great though it undoubtedly had been, didn’t have the power to hold back the sense of impending doom that was now taking up residence in my stomach.
Annoyingly, Dan didn’t seem to feel quite so burdened with worries as I was. No, he looked utterly pleased with himself. “What are you looking so smug about?” I said, but despite my confrontation with Meg looming large and troublesome on my immediate horizon, I had trouble holding back a grin of my own. “I’m about to face the wrath of Meg and I have no plan whatsoever except some vague idea about being lost on the woods. I wouldn’t be looking like that if I were you!” I scolded.
But he just grinned at me, that same grin I’d so loved the first day we’d met. “Sorry,” he did at least have the good grace to look a little abashed. “I couldn’t help myself.”
“Hmph, well, you need to work on your self-control,” I admonished, evading his hands that were reaching for me again and stepping into the wardrobe. If I didn’t go now, and Dan kept kissing me like that, I might change my mind about going back at all. And that thought was as frightening as it was tempting. I pushed it to the back of my mind and lifted the curtain. Seconds later I was back in my own room, and Dan was still behind me. I turned on him. “What are you doing?” I hissed. “You’re not coming with me, remember?”
“I know, I know,” he whispered back. “But we can see what we can find out before you actually have to face Meg.” He glanced around the room now, his eyes darting from bed to dressing table to the wardrobe we’d just vacated. “Is anything different in here?”
I looked around the room myself then, looking for anything that seemed different or out of place. “No-o, I don’t think so.” Jane Eyre was still beside the bed, and my pile of school books was still where I’d left it, I saw. Only....as I looked, I realized they were stacked far too neatly. Someone had been through them all, looking for something. My journal! I’d written all that stuff about Dan, about my theories of what was going on, in my journal. I’d hidden it, of course, but maybe Meg had found it? My heart was in my mouth as I crossed the room to the bed. When I lifted the mattress off the base and saw the red cover of the journal a wave of relief washed over me. She hadn’t found it. I quickly lowered the mattress again and straightened the bedclothes I’d rumpled.
“What’s that?” Dan asked, keeping his voice low.
“Nothing, just some stuff I keep under there,” I whispered as casually as I could. I could tell he wasn’t fooled, but I appreciated it when he didn’t push it.
“Ok, well, I think we should do a quick reconnoiter down the hallway, see if we can find out the lay of the land,” he muttered.
“You sound like a bad actor in some terrible war film,” I hissed back. “This isn’t some mission behind enemy lines, you know.”
Ignoring me and opening the door to the hallway, Dan listened for a couple of seconds then stuck his head out. He looked up and down the hallway then, obviously finding it all clear, crept out of the bedroom, gesturing with his hand for me to follow. The door into the kitchen was open, and I could hear voices coming from inside. Meg’s voice I knew, and there was the much deeper timbre of a man’s voice, but I didn’t recognize it at all. Then the sound of a third voice made me start. It was Helen! I was certain of it. Meg must have got in touch with her after I’d gone missing. I passed Dan and took the lead. He hissed his displeasure but there wasn’t much he could do about it without making more noise. Ignoring his hand gestures that I should stay back, I tiptoed up the hallway until I was right outside the kitchen doorway. I stopped there, straining to hear what the voices inside were saying.
“That was the cruise line on the phone,” It was Meg’s voice, sounding strained. “Caroline and Jonathan will be back in the country tomorrow night. They’ll stay the night at home, then come down in the morning.” My parents! She’d dragged my parents home all the way from the Med! The sense of impending doom living in my stomach now decided to host a party and invite its friends panic and alarm along to jump up and down to the staccato beat of my drumming heart. “I just can’t bear the thought that I’ll have to face them and tell them I’ve had no word at all…that I have no idea what….” Her voice sounded wobbly now, the panic she was feeling about my disappearance all too painfully obvious.
