Outside the lines, p.28
Outside the Lines, page 28
David shook his head, trying to take all this in. “No, don’t think I have.” He reached his hand out and Jack took it. The man’s handshake was firm, a good sign. Not her husband, then. A boyfriend, perhaps? As he rested them upon Eden, Jack’s eyes were full of emotion. He loved her. But she’s a little girl. How could she have a boyfriend? Wait. What year is it again?
David shook his head, trying to straighten the jumbled thoughts in his brain. Eden was here. She’d been looking for him. Why had he stayed away from her so long? Why did he never go back to find her again? He knew why. Because he couldn’t keep enough meds in his body to stay well. If she had talked to Matt, Eden already knew this. Then what did she want with him?
“So, what now?” Jack said, practically voicing the question in David’s own mind.
Eden looked at Jack, then back to David. “I don’t know,” she said shakily, but with a smile on her face. “I wasn’t expecting to actually find him. Now that I have, I don’t know what comes next!” She took David’s hands in her own. “What do you want to do, Dad? Do you have a place to stay tonight?” Her eyes were so bright, so happy. He could not refuse her.
David nodded. “I just need to get a few more dollars together for the room.”
“Oh, no,” Eden said in protest. “You’re staying with us.” She looked at Jack. “Right?”
Jack hesitated, only for a second, but David saw it. “Of course,” Jack said. “David? Do you want to come with us?”
“Of course he does,” Eden answered for him. She hugged David again and he couldn’t believe the emotion that exploded inside his body. He hadn’t felt anything like it for years. He didn’t think it was still possible. He suddenly wanted to paint, to throw violent swirls of red and purple on the page, to trap the feelings where they wouldn’t overtake him.
“Do you live in Portland?” David asked, still confused a bit as to how she had managed to find him. This was happiness, right, these feelings inside him? He’d been numb for so long, he couldn’t know for sure.
“No, we both live in Seattle, Dad.” She looked at Jack. “Can you carry his things, baby?” she asked him. Baby. Oh, his daughter loved this man, too. There was a tenderness in her voice David recognized as the same Lydia had once had in her own for him.
Jack looked at David. “Is that okay, David?”
“Is what okay?” David took a step back. “What do you want to do to me?”
Jack’s expression softened. “I’d just like to pack up your things for you. We’d like to take you to the hotel where we’re staying.” Jack looked at Eden. “And we’ll figure out what we’re going to do in the morning?”
“Yes,” Eden said in agreement. “We’ll get a good night’s sleep and talk in the morning.” She looked at David. “Okay, Dad?”
“Sure,” David said, unsure of exactly what it was they had to talk about. But his daughter wanted him to come, so he would go. He didn’t see any other choice he could make. He watched Jack carefully fold up the easel and stool while Eden held on to the sketch pad. She chattered on about how long she’d been looking, and all this time, he’d been so close. David’s mind spun, trying to wrap itself around the moment. He was going to the hotel with his daughter and her boyfriend. That was as much as he could grasp.
“Will they let me in the hotel?” he asked when they climbed into a car and started driving toward downtown. He hadn’t showered in a few days. Money hadn’t been great.
“Of course they will,” Eden said. She sat next to David in the backseat. “You’re my guest, and you’re spending the night. We’ll get a roll-away bed. Or another room. I’ll pay for another room if they have one near ours, okay?”
“Okay.” David stared out the window, not saying much until they got to the hotel.
After he parked, Jack turned around and smiled at him. “Let me go check for another room, okay, David?”
“Sure,” David said. He already liked this man, the one who loved Eden. His daughter had chosen well. Jack got out of the car and Eden squeezed David’s hand.
“I just can’t believe you’re here,” she said. “I’ve been looking for so long.”
“I tried to get in touch with you,” David said.
Eden’s face fell. “I know. I’m so sorry, Dad. The first time, when it all first happened, when you left? I didn’t know. I didn’t know about the letters. Mom sent them back to you, not me.”
“She did?” David’s head buzzed. Anger suddenly pulsed through his veins; he felt his face turn red. That bitch. It was her fault all along.
No, David told himself. Not now. We can’t do this now.
“She thought it was the right thing to do at the time,” Eden told him. “I just found out about them barely a month ago.”
“Oh.” His blood still wouldn’t settle in his flesh; it churned until David wanted to scream. He didn’t want to be in this car. He wanted to go back to the train station.
“I got the other two, the ones you sent me about ten years ago?” Eden said, interrupting his thoughts of escape. “But I was so angry, thinking you just left without a word to me, I didn’t answer them.” She looked at him with tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Daddy. If I had known, it might not have been this way for you. We might have kept in touch and you wouldn’t have ended up like this.”
“Like what?” David said, instantly set on the defensive. Eden appeared too wrapped up in her excitement to notice.
“Living on the streets,” Eden said. “I could have helped more. Been a support to you.”
“Huh.” David took a couple of deep breaths. “After what I did? What you saw? You still would have supported me?”
“I’d like to think so,” she said. “Oh look, there’s Jack.” She opened the door and jumped out of the car. “Did you get a room?” she called out.
Jack nodded and gave the thumbs-up sign. David slowly climbed out of the car, not sure where he was headed or how long he’d stay.
December 2010
Eden
It didn’t take long to get my father settled in a room down the hall from ours. It was just past midnight when I hugged him again and told him I’d see him in the morning.
“You’ll be okay?” I asked him.
He gave me a minute smile and nodded. “I’ll be fine, Eden. Thank you for the room.”
“Okay. I’m just down the hall if you need me. Number 242.”
“Good night,” he said, moving to close the door.
“Good night, Daddy.” I choked on the words, so thrilled after all this time to be able to say them. After he shut the door, part of me wanted to push it right back open, curl up in bed with him, and stay up for hours, telling him every detail of my life from the moment he was taken away in the ambulance twenty years before. I said as much to Jack when we got back to our own room.
“He might be overwhelmed by all of this,” Jack said gently. “You might want to take it slow.”
“He was happy to see me, though, wasn’t he?” I asked.
“Yes,” Jack said as he pulled off his shirt and jeans. “But he was quiet, too. I could almost hear the gears turning in his head, trying to take the situation in. He might not be comfortable with full disclosure yet—his or yours.”
I sighed and plopped down on the bed, still fully dressed. “Should we tell Georgia and Bryce we found him?”
“Maybe shoot them each a text, so they’ll be prepared for it in the morning?”
“Good idea.” I grabbed my cell and punched in a quick message to them, knowing they both usually turned their phones off at night. Jack was already in bed when I brushed my teeth and washed off my makeup. I climbed in beside him and curled up against his warm body, resting my cheek against his chest.
“Think you’re going to sleep?” he asked.
“It’s doubtful.” I craned my neck up to smile at him. “Thank you for helping me find him. I’m so excited I can barely stand it.”
“Do you have any idea what you want to do next?”
“Bring him home with us.”
“What then?”
“I don’t know. I’ll have him stay with me for a while until I can figure it out. I’ll need to find him a doctor and a place to live. A job, too, so he can support himself.” I wasn’t sure what he’d be capable of doing. Washing dishes at my work, maybe? I could make sure he worked the same hours as I did. I could keep an eye on him.
“Eden,” Jack said, “try not to get ahead of yourself with all of this. You don’t know what your dad wants to do.”
“He’ll want to be with me,” I said, a little bit annoyed Jack would suggest otherwise.
“You don’t know that for sure. Not yet.” He shifted upward so his back was resting against the padded headboard. “It’s probably not a good idea to steamroll into his life and take it over. He might end up resenting you for it.”
“He’ll resent me if I find him and then just take off again.” I rolled over onto my back and looked at him. “I’m not going to abandon him, Jack. I know all too well how that feels.”
Jack reached over and smoothed back the hair from my face. “I know you do. And I’m not trying to bring you down or say you should leave him here. I just want to make sure we take his wants into consideration, too.”
“I will,” I said. “Of course I will.”
“Are you okay? Not freaking out too much?”
“I’m fine,” I said, but I could feel the adrenaline shooting through my veins like lit sparklers.
“C’mere,” Jack said, and I crawled over to wrap myself around him again. He reached over and snapped off the light, but even in the comfort of his arms, I could not find sleep.
After several hours of tossing and turning, at five o’clock, I finally gave up the fight and got out of bed to shower. I was pulling on my clothes when Jack awoke and smiled at me sleepily. “You get any rest?” he asked.
“Not really,” I admitted. “I think I dozed in and out, mostly.” I could still feel the excitement in my blood; my body felt like it was bubbling with energy and my skin was itchy with anticipation to see my father again.
“You going to check on your dad?”
I nodded, walked over to kiss him, and left the room. Neither Georgia nor Bryce had texted me back, so I assumed they both were still sleeping. I walked down the hall and knocked softly on my father’s door. When he didn’t answer right away, a deep panic began to pound in my belly. What if he’d left? What if he couldn’t take it and he just walked out the door in the middle of the night? What if all of this was for nothing?
My panic calmed a few seconds later when he opened the door. “Hi, Bug,” he said. He had showered and shaved his beard. He wore jeans but no shirt, and I tried to conceal my shock at the sharp angles of his bones beneath his skin. His shoulder joints looked like doorknobs sticking out at the top of his fleshless arms.
“Hi, Dad,” I said. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” he said, opening the door so I could pass through. I went over to sit on the chair by the dresser.
“Did you sleep okay?” I asked. He sat on the bed, and his posture was rigid; his fingers gripped the edge of the mattress until they turned white.
“A little. Not much.”
“Me neither,” I said, smiling. “I was too excited.”
He gave a tight nod, pressing his lips into a thin line.
“Are you okay with all of this, Dad?”
His eyes flashed a slightly wild look. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing, really. You just seem so quiet. I know it’s a lot to take in at once.” I paused. “Do you want to hear about how I found you?”
“I do,” he said, settling down on the edge of the bed; it looked like the covers hadn’t even been pulled back.
“Should we order some breakfast first? I can call room service.”
“No, I’m not really a breakfast person.”
“Oh,” I said, for the first time feeling a little uncomfortable. A little scared, even. What did I know about my father, really? Twenty years had changed him physically, for sure, but how much had changed with his illness? Had his violence worsened? His depression? He told Matt he’d be back to Common Ground, which I interpreted as his saying he wanted to get well. Was it possible that he just couldn’t? I didn’t want to believe that. I wanted to believe that with the right kind of love and support from me, he could find his way back to a better life.
“So, why did you start looking for me?” my father asked. He looked at me with wide, anxious eyes and I realized he was feeling just as uncomfortable with me as I was with him. Jack was right. I would need to take this slow.
So that’s what I did. Over the next two hours, I told him how my search had begun with mom’s illness, then proceeded to all the Internet searches and phone calls I’d made. I told him about the man I saw in the morgue and how I’d started volunteering at Hope House. I told him again how I found the letters Mom hadn’t shown me, how as a way to apologize, Mom reached out and found the one clue that led me to Common Ground, which ultimately led me to him.
He interrupted me every so often, using a stilted, uncomfortable tone, asking for clarification. He had a hard time making eye contact, but I told myself that was a temporary state. This was all too new to expect him to be comfortable. For the most part, he was very quiet, picking at a loose thread on the paisley bedspread.
“Do you want to come back to Seattle with me, Dad?” I asked. I held my breath waiting for his response.
“And do what?” he finally said.
I looked down at my hands to see that they were shaking. I clutched them together to ease my nerves. “I’m not sure, exactly,” I said. “I’d like to help get you settled. I want to spend time with you.”
He seemed surprised. “You do?”
I went over to sit by him and grabbed his hand. “Of course I do. I’ve missed you all my life.” My throat closed up and I tried to choke back tears. They fell anyway. “I need my father. I can’t let you get away from me again.”
A little while later, I introduced my father to Bryce and Georgia in the lobby of the hotel. Dad kept his eyes glued to the shiny marble floor and clutched his easel and the worn brown leather backpack that contained all his worldly possessions.
“It’s good to meet you,” Georgia said warmly. Her auburn tresses hung in perfect ringlets around her face and her expression was open and sweet.
“Mr. West,” Bryce said, extending his hand. “We’re glad you’re okay.” Knowing how John felt about my search, my brother’s show of respect meant the world to me.
“Hello,” Dad said. His gaze was still stuck to the floor and he didn’t reach out to shake Bryce’s hand. My brother smiled at me and winked. Jack smiled at me, too, then gently took Dad’s elbow and led him toward the parking garage. Bryce walked with them, but Georgia grabbed my hand and held me back. Her thin eyebrows were pulled together and she frowned.
“Are you doing okay? Not freaking out?”
“Why does everyone think I might be freaking out?” I sighed as I pulled my hand away from her, crossing my arms over my chest.
“It’s a big deal finding him, Eden. Before you got down here, Jack told us that last night you said you were going to give up the search if you didn’t find him in Portland. So now suddenly here he is right when you were about ready to be done with the idea. Kind of an emotional about-face, don’t you think?”
“I guess,” I said. I wanted less hesitance from the people I cared about and more excitement. “Well, rest assured I’m fine. He’s a little overwhelmed, I think, but I’m taking it slow and giving him some space.”
“You call moving him to another city and into your house ‘slow’?” She gave me a doubting look.
“Georgia. I don’t need this right now.” My blood pressure started to rise. Why did everyone insist on questioning me on my decisions? I was a grown woman. I’d deal with the consequences, whatever they ended up being. “I need you to support me, okay? That’s what I need.”
“I do support you. I just care about you and don’t want either of you to get hurt.”
“I’m not planning on it.”
“It’s not something you can control. What if he freaks out on you? What if he loses it and ends up slitting his wrists again?”
“Georgia!” I’d had enough. “That’s not going to happen. I’ll talk with you later, okay? I appreciate your concern, I really do. Just let me do this my way. My dad and I will figure it out together.”
Georgia and Bryce offered to rent a car and drive back to Seattle on their own, so as not to put my dad in a car with more people than he could manage, so five hours later, Jack pulled up in front of my house to drop my father and me off. The ride home was fairly quiet; I sat up front with Jack in order to not pressure my dad into talking the whole time. He had agreed to come back with us but was still subdued. I didn’t want to make too quick a movement and throw him completely off balance. My plan was to get him in to a doctor as soon as possible and get him back on his meds. We’d figure everything else out as we went.
Jack helped us get my father’s things into my house. I realized I’d need to get Jasper at some point, but I didn’t want to stop by my mom and John’s house with Dad in the car. I figured the reunion between my mom and dad would have to be something they both were ready to handle. His first day back was definitely not the day to do it.
“Want me to go get Jasper for you?” Jack asked as we were getting the last of my bags out of the car.
I smiled at him. “You reading my mind or something? I was just trying to figure out how I was going to manage that.”
He hugged me. “I’ll get him for you. Do you want me to break the news to your mom, too, or do you want to do it?”
“Wow. I hadn’t thought about that.” My brain still buzzed with excitement at having found him at all. Practicalities and specifics about how I should navigate his return with me were far from my mind. I glanced over at my dad, who was standing on the sidewalk, staring at my house. “Would you mind telling her?”
