Slate sons of rage mc bo.., p.11
Slate (Sons of Rage MC, Book 2), page 11
“I’m sorry you went through that. If I had known then what I know now, I would’ve jumped on one of the first transports out of the country.”
“You could’ve come to the club,” I say. “You knew I was a member of the Sons of Rage. We talked about it.”
“My brain was Swiss-cheesed. I couldn’t remember the name of your club for a long time. And when I did, I didn’t think you’d want me.”
“Stop the bullshit, Christina. How could you think for a single fuckin’ second that I wouldn’t want my own goddamn kid? She’s my blood. Of course I would want her.”
Tears leak out of the corners of her eyes. “You don’t understand. I was scared. And then when Katie was born, I thought it was better to keep her safe—that the MC world was too violent. I saw what Kabul did to both of us, and I was done with violence forever.”
“Someone was following you, you didn’t think to contact me then, when you thought you were in danger?” My tone is incredulous.
Her voice breaks. “I just wanted to keep our child safe. To give her a fighting chance at a normal life.”
My jaw locks, and I grit out, “A normal life? That means you saw me as abnormal, right?”
“No. That’s not what I meant.”
“It’s what you just said. It sounds like bikers are good enough to fuck but not good enough to be fathers in your world. Not good enough to seek us out for protection unless it suits you.”
“It’s not like that. Now that I’ve been here and experienced it myself, I know better.”
“Gee, thanks for acknowledging I’m not a fuckin’ monster.”
Instead of arguing her point, she presses her lips together.
“I gave you my seat on that transport,” I say. “You know what I went through getting out after that. The shit I did to survive. And the whole time, I thought maybe I’d get a chance to see you again. I wanted something real with you. Now I find out you were carrying my kid, and you didn’t think I deserved to know?”
Her breath catches. “I wanted to tell you. Every day. But you had this life, this brotherhood, and I didn’t know if we’d fit into your life.”
“You should’ve told me and trusted me,” I say. “That’s all you had to do.”
Her tears are coming faster now. My instinct is to hold her and tell her everything’s gonna be okay. But I’m worlds away from forgiving her, so I keep my hands to myself.
“I trusted you,” she says. “I always have.”
“Bullshit.” I rake my hand through my hair again, exasperated. “You came here for protection and that was only because Rivera saw you and sent for me. If we hadn’t turned up that night…” my voice trails off. I don’t even want to think what might have happened to her and my kid. “You let me think I was just some man you used to know not the father of your daughter. You let me fall in love with you all over again and make love to you without telling me the truth.”
She wipes her face with her sleeve. “What do you want me to say?”
I take a long, hard look at the woman who raised my daughter without me.
“Nothing,” I say. “I just want you to understand all the things you took from me by not telling me. I missed out on everything, all because of you.”
When I turn towards the door, she asks, “Where are you going?”
“I need to get some fucking air. I can’t look at you right now.”
***
My boots thud against the floor as I stomp downstairs. I’m getting more furious with each step. When I hit the main room, I look around at all my club brothers and the girls. They’re all totally oblivious to my pain.
“Get out!” I say with barely leashed fury. When no one moves, I add, “Now!”
That gets them moving. Chairs scrape against the floor, and the room clears out almost instantaneously. They know better than to test me when I give an order. The last brother out shuts the door without looking back.
Then it’s just me standing there with a lifetime’s worth of self-control about to snap.
I look around the room. We built this place as a safe haven for our families as well as to house the club. A lot of good that did me. My old lady and daughter have been running from danger for a long time and refused to come to the virtual fortress we built for their protection.
I lean over and put both hands on the back of a chair and lower my head. Before I can stop myself, I’m squeezing so hard my knuckles are turning white. I jerk the chair sideways and hurl it against the front of the bar.
It feels so good to let my anger out, so I fall into old habits by grabbing another and tossing it too. The sound of wood splintering cuts through the air, an old familiar sound that used to soothe me in my youth. The next few minutes are a blur of rage and muscle. I grab the nearest chair, throw it, watch it explode against the wall. Another. Then another. Once I get started, I can’t stop myself.
My fists ache and my arms burn, but it doesn’t touch the fury burning in my chest. I think of her face when I touch her. I think of Katie’s little hand clutching the toy I gave her. I think of every goddamn mile I’ve ridden alone, believing I didn’t have a family of my own.
I roar with frustration when I think about how many club girls I’ve fucked, not knowing I had a family. I surely wouldn’t have wasted my time messin’ around with club girls if I had known about Katie, I would have been working on being a father and salvaging my relationship with her mom. Christina robbed me of my right to make good decisions for myself. That thought just enrages me more.
During my rage, something moves behind me. I glance over my shoulder and see my ma in the doorway. Before she takes a step, Rock’s arm comes out to block her path.
“Let him get it all out of his system,” he says.
His voice carries, low and steady, no judgment in it. She nods once and disappears from sight.
Before I know it, I’ve destroyed almost all the tables and chairs in the bar.
That’s when I realize there’s nothing left standing except the bar and pool tables, because I’ve smashed it all. I lean against the wall, my chest heaving. My knuckles are bleeding where I split them on the counter. And shame fills my very soul because I worked hard to overcome my rage and thought this behavior was squarely in my rearview.
I stomp out the front door and head to the garage.
My bike is sitting in one of the bays with the oil pan already removed from where I was working on it before the bomb threat created chaos. I grab a rag, wipe my hands, then start working on the throttle assembly even though it doesn’t really need work. It’s just something to help calm me down.
I hear my dad and brothers coming. Rock shows up first. Then Jasper, Onyx, and Mica shuffle into the bay. Without saying a word, the four of them just crouch down around me, a semi-circle of leather cuts.
I keep my eyes on the bike, tightening a bolt that’s already tight. It’s clear they’re following old protocols by waiting for me to speak first.
Finally, I sigh. “Sorry about the mess. I’ll pay to replace everything I smashed.”
Rock snorts a laugh. “Of fuckin’ course you will. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about.”
I glance up at their serious faces. “What the hell do you want from me?”
Jasper shifts, his forearms resting on his knees. “We want some fuckin’ answers. I haven’t seen you act like that since you were a teen. What in the hell happened?”
I drag a hand down my face. “Katie’s my daughter,” I say. “And Christina never said a damn thing. She never even called me when she had a stalker chasing her. If Rivera hadn’t crossed paths with her and called me, I never would’ve known. They’d both likely be dead right now because she’d rather risk my child’s life than accept a fuckin’ biker as her father.”
Rock leans his elbows on his knees, watching me. “You’re filling in the blanks with your own insecurities again, son.”
I look at him. “She lied. You’re the one who taught me that lies of omission were still lies.”
“Maybe. But you’re making up the rest. You don’t know the whole story. You’ve got to ask questions and fuckin’ listen to her answers.”
“I did that already,” I reply curtly.
Rock’s exasperated voice shoots back, “Then you dig deeper. You wouldn’t have fallen for her back in Afghanistan if she was a bad woman.”
I shake my head. “How am I supposed to believe anything she has to say at this point? I clearly can’t. So, what’s the point?”
He studies me for a long moment, then nods slowly. “That’s your choice. But you already know that people lie out of fear more often than malice. You have a child with this woman. So you’d better figure out which one you’re dealing with before you decide what comes next.”
The wrench in my hand slips, metal clinking against the floor.
What comes next.
His words echo through my mind, cutting through my anger.
Onyx speaks up. He takes after our dad when it comes to being the voice of reason. “You said she was in a coma, right?”
“Yeah.”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know exactly. She made it sound like a couple of months.”
He shrugs. “Then logic probably wasn’t her strong suit for a while. Brain injuries mess with more than memory. They twist your perception, your judgment, and most especially your ability to make decisions. Someone fucking tried to kill her, and she wakes up from a coma finding out she’s pregnant. No one’s gonna be thinking straight after something like that.”
Mica nods. “And being stalked is a total mind fuck for a woman. She was likely just living minute to minute, doing whatever it took to keep breathing and keep her and the kid one step ahead of the assholes who wanted her dead.”
I glance up at him. Mica is the youngest of us, but he’s seen his share of hell.
We’re all quiet, turning the situation over in our minds.
“I just keep seeing her face,” I say finally. “The way she looked when I asked. She didn’t even try to deny it. Just stood there, telling me she thought I was off on another mission, that she didn’t think I wanted the responsibility of a kid and wasn’t sure about her being around an outlaw MC. I thought she knew me and trusted me, but now I’m questioning everything I thought I knew about her and our relationship.”
Rock pushes himself to his feet. I can hear his joints cracking, but his expression gives no indication that he’s in pain. “You’ve got every right to be angry, son. But you’re gonna have to figure out what you want to do. My suggestion is to ask for a paternity test.”
“What the fuck, old man? I don’t need a paternity test to tell me what I already know. Katie is clearly my daughter. I can tell that much by looking at her.”
He claps a hand on my shoulder, it’s heavy and grounding. “Me and your ma figured that out the minute she walked through the door. You need a paternity test for all the legal shit you’re gonna have to sort out. No insult intended, but did you ever consider a woman who lied to you about important shit might lie about whether or not you can see your own kid. First step, prove she’s yours.”
When they all come to their feet, Jasper adds, “When you’re ready, talk to her. Don’t let her walk off with your kid. And more importantly, don’t let this fester, brother. That little girl deserves a fuckin’ father and for better or worse, you’re it.”
Chapter 12
Christina
Katie woke from her nap, we made and ate dinner, watched TV, had a bath, and she eventually went to sleep for the night.
I can’t help thinking that I’ve made a clusterfuck of this new chance at a better life. I thought saying nothing was playing it safe. Now I can see how wrong I was about that. Slate never came back and no one checked on us or spoke to us this evening. I worry that his family is as mad at me as Slate is. Who could blame them if they were.
I can’t help but replay everything Slate said. He’s right that my failure to find him and let him know about having a daughter caused him to miss out on every single milestone in her life so far. I get why he’s pissed. The thing is, his parents missed out on seeing their first grandchild born, holding her as a baby, seeing her grow up during the last few years. They have just as much right as Slate to be mad. It’s a shame because I really adore Slate and his family.
I sit on the edge of the big bed that Slate and I shared only last night. Wrapping my arms around myself, I think about all the mistakes I’ve made. That’s when I hear boots on the steps. I recognize how he walks and that’s how I know that he didn’t totally abandon us. He’s coming back. What he’ll say after thinking the situation over, I can only guess.
I hear the door to our suite open, and he pauses in the main area. I hear the soft click as he locks it behind him. I sit, staring at the bedroom door, waiting to see if he’ll walk through it. I needn’t have worried because he appears a moment later. He’s wearing the poker face he normally reserves for everyone but me. Seeing his clear blue eyes boring into me like that fractures something deep in my soul.
He shuts the door quietly behind him and stands there for a moment, with his arms loose at his sides. He doesn’t come closer or try to sit down. He keeps his distance like he finds being near me suddenly repulsive.
“Did you talk to your family about me?” I ask quietly.
“Yeah, of fuckin’ course I did. We don’t keep secrets from one another in this family.” His voice is low and rough. “They all know Katie is my daughter now.”
He jerks his chin at me. “Is she asleep for the night?”
“Yes. We made dinner here rather than going downstairs. To be honest, I didn’t want to face anyone.”
He runs one hand through his hair and then rubs the stubble on his jaw. The gesture lets me know he’s exasperated with me. He walks to the dresser, empties his pockets, and stands there for a few seconds looking at his reflection in the mirror.
“I can’t believe I had a daughter this whole time and never knew.” His voice sounds more defeated than angry.
“I was scared,” I admit in a tight voice. “I didn’t know how deep all of this went or who was involved. I didn’t want you to get pulled into this mess.”
He snorts under his breath, frustration surfacing. “You should have trusted me to fuckin’ handle whatever was a threat to my child, even if you didn’t think I would come for you.”
“I know,” I whisper. “Don’t you think if I could go back and do things differently, I would?”
“You keep saying things like that, but you’ve not given me a single reason to believe anything you have to say,” he says.
“I know you eat danger for breakfast with milk and sugar. But I’m not you. Terrified people don’t always make the best decisions.”
His tone turns clipped. “You say you were scared. Fine, I can get my head around that. Having lived with it in darker places than this clubhouse, I’ve known my share of fear. But you let me walk into danger blind. You let me believe someone else was Katie’s father. Fear doesn’t justify or excuse keeping everything to yourself until someone else drags the truth into the light.”
I swallow thickly, feeling the kind of shame that no one should have to deal with. “I understand that now.”
“You understood it then too,” he shoots back. He runs both hands over his face. “How could you think that making decisions for both of us was doing the right thing.”
I drop my gaze to the floor, feeling sick to my stomach. “I shouldn’t have.”
“But you did. And you did it over and over again. First when you realized you were pregnant with my child and decided not to notify me. Then when you decided to go it on your own with a damn stalker after you. And then you come here and make the decision to leave me believing you were being stalked by an ex. And you looked me in the face, convinced me to give us another chance, and hooked up with me, all while deciding I still didn’t need to know I had a kid.”
Every word he says stings, because he’s not wrong about any of it. Once he quiets, his chest rises and falls as he tries to get ahold of his emotions.
I close my fingers around the edge of the mattress. “I was wrong but I’m trying now. Doesn’t that matter to you?”
“No,” he repeats. “I’m done giving you the benefit of the fuckin’ doubt. If you want my damn trust, you’ll have to earn it back.”
Silence stretches between us. Slate leans back against the dresser, arms crossed. His eyes narrow on me.
“Just so you know, I’m getting a paternity test,” he says.
“Because you think I’m a liar, right?” I don’t know why I’m even surprised.
“No. I don’t doubt she’s mine. She looks too much like me to ever think that.” He rubs his face like he is exhausted.
“So why get the test?” I ask.
“I’ve been denied years with her. Once I get the results of the paternity test, I’m filing for joint custody. I refuse to stand by while you fuckin’ make decisions for both of us anymore.”
“I’m sorry you missed out on time with her.”
Before I can tell him that I’ll sign whatever he wants, he snarls, “Sorry doesn’t give that time back to me.”
When I don’t respond, he shakes his head slowly. “I don’t want to keep having this fight. Not tonight. I’m too tired to pick apart every choice you made. But I can’t pretend any of this is fine.”
“I’m not asking you to pretend.”
“Good,” he says. “Because I can’t forgive you for this. Not now.”
“What exactly do you want me to do?” I ask.
Slate exhales and drags a hand across his jaw. “We’re not changing anything. Not right now.”
I blink. “Meaning what?”
“You stay here. In this suite. In this bed. You and Katie stay close until we know more about your stalker,” he says. “This place is secure. The walls are thick. There are two armed brothers downstairs at all times. I’m not putting you on the far side of the clubhouse when someone is hunting you.”
“I understand,” I say, feeling more dispirited by the second.
