The thing that I can’t ever accept is the sorrow associated with being wedged between two families—both seeking justice for their lost children, both hurting and both looking to me to do the right thing. At best, I try to tell myself not to focus on Adnan’s guilt or innocence, rather instead just to do my job as a witness and tell the truth. Regardless of that simplistic approach, it’s often very hard to stay focused and during those times the weight of the situation gets to me (and I break down and cry). Just to be clear, I haven’t seen Adnan (outside of the post-conviction hearing in 2016) since that fortuitous day in the library. Other than maybe speaking with him very briefly when this is all over, I have no desire to ever speak with him again. I have no desire to be his friend and I don’t want to keep in touch. When I recall our library conversation, the memory still haunts me to this day. While in the moment, I truly believed that he was a sweet guy. As I said before, Justin and I parted on similar terms, so perhaps in my heart I wanted to believe that Adnan and Justin shared a similar sense of maturity and kindness. At the time I believed that Adnan cared about Hae and that he simply wanted her to be happy with whomever she chose to be in a relationship with. If Adnan was under emotional duress to the point of being homicidal, I feel like I should have seen it. I know that’s a silly thing to say, but I have a very hard time accepting that he was homicidal during or shortly after we spoke. Clearly I didn’t see anything wrong with him, otherwise I definitely would have told someone. The idea that he was or became homicidal as a result of our conversation scares the crap out of me because it makes me wonder if I am somehow responsible for Hae’s death. I often wonder if I didn’t see evil in him because it wasn’t there or if it was because I was a dumb kid. Perhaps the reason that I didn’t realize something was going on under the surface was because I was too young and naïve. At seventeen, I wasn’t experienced enough with evil people at that point in my life. I’ve always thought I was able to read people, but perhaps not.

  Since high school I have had the pleasure of knowing some pretty dysfunctional people. My mom says that I’m a “nut magnet.” She says that I have a beautiful light inside of me that shines and unfortunately like a moth to flame it attracts those living in the darkness. After looking back on my twenties I’d have to say that I agree with my mother. Sometimes I’m amazed that I have managed to come through certain situations so unscathed. I know that I am blessed and that I can only attribute that to my mother’s many prayers and the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. I’ve seen people abuse themselves and abuse others, and yet I have managed to stay clear of many awful situations.

  During the times when I have fallen prey to negative situations, it is my belief that God was there to pull me out. It’s also during those times that God showed me “the writing on the wall”; I paid attention to the words and actions around me and I was often alerted to trouble before things got too damaging to recover from. Long story short: I wasn’t as wise as I am now in any regard. Real life murder wasn’t even something that truly existed in my reality at the age of seventeen. Consequently, I do feel like Adnan owes me. He doesn’t owe me money or gratitude; he owes me the truth and I hope one day whether here or in Heaven, I get it.

  If you haven’t caught on by now, I have a very active imagination. Over the years I have imagined having this final conversation with Adnan many times, in a variety of ways. In one scenario Adnan gets acquitted and agrees to meet me. We meet at a public park bench and he thanks me for ultimately coming forward and being the person who saved him from a life in prison. He tells me everything that’s happened since his arrest and I am silent in amazement regarding everything that he has endured. Then we both shed tears over Hae’s untimely passing, share a few sentiments and he assures me that he never had anything to do with Hae’s disappearance or her murder. I cry knowing that I have done an awesome thing and for a deserving person. I heave a deep sigh of relief in knowing that an innocent man has been set free in part by me choosing to do the right thing. As we part ways he asks to hug me, and I oblige. Then I see him walk off into the distance arm in arm with members of his family. Now, I know that seems corny and lame to most people, but I would totally cry if I saw that in a movie!

  The other scenarios are much darker. These scenarios are reserved solely for my nightmares. In them, sometimes Adnan is acquitted and shows up on my doorstep to seemingly innocently thank me for my help. I’m home alone and he pushes his way inside my home. I run for my weapon of choice, but he’s too fast. A struggle ensues during which not only does he confess to Hae’s murder but casually mentions that I’m next. He climbs on top of my body in an attempt to hold me down. He bangs the back of my head on the floor and as I lay there struggling for my life, he tells me about every horrible detail of Hae’s murder. He wraps his hands around my throat and begins to squeeze. I struggle to fight for my life as I feel myself tiring. It’s at these moments in the nightmare that I usually wake up in a cold sweat. Dreams like these are my primary motivation for self-defense and target practicing. Other dreams and scenarios that I have imagined combine Adnan’s innocence or guilt with him getting out of or staying in jail. Sometimes, I have similar dreams about Jay Wilds.

  In one dream, Adnan isn’t acquitted and after many years in prison I receive a call from Justin Brown (his lawyer) saying that Adnan wants to see me. Like that of any other typical jailhouse visitation scene we both sit down at a metal table and chair to talk. He tells me that he asked me here to address something in one of my letters. It’s then that Adnan confesses his guilt to me and thanks me for my participation in his release efforts. Disgusted by what I have just heard, I abruptly stand up and proceed to leave the facility both sickened and ashamed. As I run out, tears running down my face, I grasp my open mouth in complete horror, and Adnan laughs hysterically in a fit of insanity in the background. Now I know these thoughts and nightmares may or may not seem strange for someone in my legal position, however you have to realize that I have had way too much time to stress about this situation. Sixteen plus years is a long time to waver and weigh in on another person’s guilt or innocence. I have over sixteen years of stress, over sixteen years of preponderance and over sixteen years of thoughts built up in my subconscious mind. I don’t know if I will ever actually speak to Adnan again and part of me is fine with that because I’m a little scared to. In January 2015 I did ask my lawyer (Gary Proctor) to ask Justin Brown about the possibility of speaking to Adnan when this was all over. I don’t know if Gary ever relayed my question. Even though I did ask, I’m not even entirely sure that I wouldn’t be too scared and chicken out. One part of me feels like I need that type of closure and part of me feels like I never will, regardless of what Adnan has to say. I don’t think there will ever come a day when I can go to bed at night not wondering if I’ve helped a murderer.

  Back in 1999 my family was one of few in our neighborhood to have a home PC. That was back in the days of AOL (dial-up Internet) and I had to share my upstairs phone line with a PC located in the basement. On many occasions I would use that computer to type school assignments among other things. My best guess is that because I wrote my first letter to Adnan so late that night that it was probably too late to gain access to my grandparents’ PC in the basement. In my grandparents’ home, the basement was (and always will be) my grandfather’s man cave. As such, access to it by teenagers was undesirable after a certain time at night because my grandfather would (and still does) fall asleep in his armchair. It only makes sense to me that I would have written the letter by hand in my bedroom if it were indeed very late at night. This also explains why letter number two was typed. As I stated at the post-conviction hearing in 2016, I wrote the rough draft of letter number two over the course of that next school day. Since I neglected to ask a lot of questions in my first letter, I made it a point to ask a lot more when I typed up my second letter. I took great care to formally address the letter as taught to me in school and made sure to include lots (too much) of quirky clipart. At no point was letter number two backdated and at no point did Adnan ever contact me and encourage me to write him anything. As an attempt to debunk this conspiracy theory I tried to get my grandparents’ old PC to see if I could locate the original computer file. Unfortunately for me, after seventeen years not only were my grandparents not even using it as a bookend (in the basement) anymore, they no longer even owned that PC block at all. As a family that still has VCRs and lava lamps in the basement, I was both pretty surprised and pissed that they no longer had it.

  Another conspiracy theory that arose about letter number two came straight from the mouth of Thiru Vignarajah himself, during the post-conviction in 2016. During his cross-examination of my testimony Vignarajah accused me of using terminology in my letter that could be found on Adnan’s original search warrant. He insinuated that someone (presumably Adnan) had spoon-fed me the information resulting in the second letter to Adnan. Thiru squawked that Adnan had written me with instructions to type him a letter for his bail review and possibly as an alibi. Thiru tied this accusation to the fact that I knew Adnan’s inmate number (probably given to me by the Syed family, a teacher or friend), along with other words within my letters. These accusations caught me completely off guard for a plethora of reasons, the primary reason being that of course they were untrue. I have never received any communication from Adnan since that day in the library. No one has ever given me specific instructions to write him anything. I can’t sit here and tell you that Adnan didn’t try to write me back. All I can account for is the fact that I have never received any correspondence from Adnan in any fashion.

  As I sit here today I still haven’t seen the warrant document that Thiru brought up in court. I also could not tell you the details of its contents. The second and more obvious reason that I found his line of questioning to be off-putting was that he was essentially calling me a liar and co-conspirator to my face. Even after the post-conviction hearing he continued to call me a liar on the news. I found that to be very insulting, spirit-crushing and enraging all at the same time.

  What a horrible precedent this case has set in terms of encouraging witnesses to come forward with helpful information. A person such as myself, with no criminal record and no motive to lie, comes forward to tell the truth and the prosecution pounces on her. The state calls her a liar and attempts to ruin her good name both in court and in the press. I can understand a prosecutor wanting to win his case, but at what cost? I still think a lot of Thiru’s actions inside and outside of the courtroom are downright crude and sleazy to say the least. I can openly admit that I have been scarred by my participation in this case. For the time being, I no longer see the state as a faction of the court that cares about the truth. To me, it feels like they only care about winning. Thanks to Urick and Vignarajah, I can wholeheartedly say that it will be a long time before I ever trust a state prosecutor (aka “The Good Guys”) again and that’s just really sad.

  My Second Letter: 3/2/1999

  Adnon Syed [name spelled wrong again] #992005477 [no clue how I got his inmate number—family? Friends?]

  301 East Eager Street

  Baltimore, MD. 21202

  Dear Adnon, [still spelled his name wrong]

  How is everything? I know that we haven’t been best friends in the past, however I believe in your innocence. [after more contemplation and general public consensus] I know that central booking [no idea where this verbiage came from—possibly school gossip] is probably not the best place to make friends, so I’ll attempt to be the best friend possible. I hope that nobody has attempted to harm you [beat him up in jail] (not that they will). Just remember that if someone says something to you, that their just f**ing with your emotions. I know that my first letter was probably a little harsh, but I just wanted you to know where I stode [stood] in this entire issue (on the centerline) [not necessarily on his side]. I don’t know you very well, however I didn’t know Hae very well. The information that I know about you being in the library could helpful, unimportant or unhelpful to your case [still not aware of the state’s argument or that my information is important in terms of being an alibi]. I’ve been think a few things lately, that I wanted to ask you: [Primary reason for writing a second letter the very next day—could not reconcile Adnan’s demeanor with the thought of him being a murderer and had more questions as a result.]

  1. Why haven’t you told anyone about talking to me in the library? Did you think it was unimportant, you didn’t think that I would remember? Or did you just totally forget yourself? [Wanted to know if he had forgotten about the encounter or whether the encounter itself was insignificant. Many students were being interviewed by the police and I had not been chosen to be interviewed yet.]

  2. How long did you stay in the library that day? Your family will probably try to obtain the library’s surveillance tape. [Wondering how long after our conversation he stayed at the library. I think I mentioned to the family that there might be cameras and that they should see if Adnan stayed at the library after I left—could be why their private investigator went to the library but did not call me. Remember, no one knew I was the alibi at that point. I was assuming that someone would grab the videotape to check.]

  3. Where exactly did you do and go that day? What is the so-called evidence that my statement is up against? And who are these WITNESSES? [I heard that there were witnesses in conjunction to his arrest—no idea how many because I was going off of rumor. Here, I’m trying to anticipate whether my information would be well received by the police or if they would be hostile towards me because I might be making their case harder to prove. Back then, I had an irrational fear of the police because of stories from friends.]

  Anyway, everything in school is somewhat the same. The ignorant (and some underclassmen) think that you’re guilty, while others (mostly those that know you) think you’re innocent. I talked to Emron [was actually spelled “Imran” or “Imraan,” not sure (now) which person I was referencing here because there were two guys] today, he looked like crap. He’s upset, most of your “CRUCHES are.” [people who defended Adnan and were supportive and uplifting] We love you, [being nice] I guess that inside I know that you’re innocent too. [wanting to believe in his innocence] It’s just that the so-called evidence looks very negative. [no idea about actual evidence, just what was rumored] However I’m positive that everything will work out in favor of the truth. [not his innocence but the truth—still not sure if he is guilty or not] The main thing that I’m worried about is that the real killers [whoever, if it’s not Adnan—could be one or more] are probably somewhere laughing at the police and the news, that makes me sick!! I hope this letter and the ones that follow [never wrote again because I assumed I was of no use and so I went on with my life] ease you days a little. I guess if I didn’t believe in your innocence, that I wouldn’t write to you .

  The other day (Monday) [being specific, I put Monday in parentheses because I was assuming he wouldn’t get the letter for a few days and I wanted him to know what day was “the other day.” I have no idea why I didn’t just structure the sentence differently.] We (some of Mr. Parker’s class) were talking about it and Mrs. Shab over-heard us; she said, “Don’t you think the police have considered everything, they wouldn’t just lock him up unless they had “REAL” evidence.” We just looked at her, then continued our conversations. Mr. Parker seems un-opinionated, yet he seemed happy when I told him [on Tuesday] that I spoke to you family about the matter (I told him) [I told Mr. Parker about seeing Adnan in the library and about talking to Adnan’s family, but on two separate days. The wording here is horrible because it reads as if these two conversations happened the same day but they did not. One conversation happened in class on Monday, the other in the hallway on Tuesday. When I saw Mr. Parker in the hallway on Tuesday and told him that I had actually gone to see Adnan’s family, he was proud of me for speaking up.] Your brothers are nice, I don’t think I met your mother [not sure if I met her or not], I think I met you dad; does he have a big gray beard [not sure who all I met because there were a lot of people there]. They gave me and Justin soda and cake. There was a whole bunch of people at you house, I didn’t know they were. I also didn’t know that Muslins take their shoes off in the house…thank God they didn’t make me take mine off, my stinky feet probably would have knocked everyone out cold. [all this refers to the night before at the family’s house]

  I over-heard Will and Anthony [fellow football players] talking about you, they don’t think you did “IT” either. I guess most people don’t. Justin’s mom is worried about you too. She gave me your home number, when Justin was in school. [I don’t remember that] Classes are boring, that’s one benefit to being “there” [in jail], no school!!

  They issued a school newsletter [I think it was actually just a flyer statement.] on the issue, so everyone is probably aware. It didn’t say your name, but between that, gossip and the news, your name is known. I’m sorry this had to happen to you. Look at the bright side when you come back [to school], won’t nobody f**k with you [because he had been in jail] and at least you’ll know who your real friends and new friends should be. [those being supportive] Also, you’re the most popular guy in school. Shoot...you might get prom king. [assuming he would be released soon and everyone would know who he is because of all the gossip—it’s a joke]

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18