The wanderer, p.33
The Wanderer, page 33
“Get away from me!” she cried.
Bile collected in Lizzy’s mouth, she couldn’t breathe or think. He worked the doorknob, twisting it aggressively. Helplessly, Lizzy searched around the bathroom for something to defend herself with: a glass bottle, razor or even a heavy hair dryer. But there was nothing.
Then the words just spilled out, “I-I’ve got a gun!”
The knob stopped moving. Behind the glass was darkness. Had she scared him off? Had he gone to find Claudia?
Shit! Mum … Lizzy needed to know that she was okay. She needed to know! Cautiously, Lizzy walked up to the door … with shaking hands she went to unlock it. Suddenly, the glass shattered above her. She crumbled to the floor and the shards fell like rain on her lap. Lizzy screamed over and over again.
This was it.
The man swung his arm through the broken glass, grunting and heaving, searching for anything to grab. Lizzy willed for the strength to fight him off—stamp on his hand or bite his arm. But she was paralyzed with fear, tucked up on the ground. There was nothing she could do.
She was completely trapped.
Lizzy covered her ears and squeezed her eyes shut—wishing for a miracle, a way out, to be anywhere but there.
Strangely, the whole bathroom began to heat and her fingers tingled. A rush of balminess washed over her.
Silence.
Lizzy uncovered her eyes.
It was dark outside.
“Huh?”
Then she noticed the door. The glass was unbroken—perfect as it was. Impossible. Slowly she staggered up off the tiled floor, her legs were untrustworthily shaky. Confused and terrified, Lizzy couldn’t bring herself to leave the bathroom, convinced the masked man was still behind the door. But then she heared a familiar voice yelling.
“Mum!” He had Claudia!
She flew the door open and heard Brent’s voice replying to her. Relief strengthened her legs enough to run to the stairs.
“Mum! Dad!” she yelled over the banister.
As Lizzy rushed down and made it to the first landing, she stopped.
In the corner was a little girl.
She looked no older than five and sat alone in the dark. Who was she? Her features held an uncanny familiarity to Lizzy—dark brown hair bobbed just above her tiny shoulders, which were hunched over. She even recognized the old woolen sweater the little girl wore.
“Mum … Dad …?” Lizzy called out and tiptoed around the girl, never taking her eyes off her. She looked up at Lizzy.
She lost her footing and tripped down a stair, making a loud THUD!
“Elizabeth! We told you to get to bed!” her Dad yelled from a different room.
The little girl frowned at Lizzy. “Sssh!”
Her blue eyes were framed with thick dark lashes. They almost looked too big for her face. Lizzy blinked hers continuously, in disbelief of who she was. The little girl pressed her finger to her lips, indicating Lizzy to be quiet.
“Y-You’re—”
“Ssh! Mummy and Daddy will hear us,” she interrupted her.
Lizzy kept her distance, as if she was a structure made of flour, just a single touch and she would tumble to dust. But suddenly, the little girl grabbed Lizzy’s hand and pulled her down to sit beside her. Lizzy looked at her palm. It felt warm and sticky from the girl’s grasp. She was real. This was real.
With odd acceptance, Lizzy sat with her five-year-old-self in the dark and listened to her parent’s arguing.
“Teddy couldn’t sleep from the noise,” Lizzy—that was little Lizzy—whispered and retrieved Teddy from her lap.
“He hates it when they fight.”
His fur looked plush and soft—nothing like before, older Lizzy noticed.
“May I hold him?”
Her younger-self grined, thrilled that she took a similar interest to him. Little Lizzy shoved him up to her face and older Lizzy collected him with shaking hands.
He was fluffier than she remembered. The black plastic beads of his eyes were shiney as they stared up at her. She felt a pang of sadness—there was so much this little bear and her little self had yet to see, yet to experience. But it passed by so fast.
Time. It was the only thing they had and didn’t have.
There was so much Lizzy could say to her younger self but she knew the unknown was part of the journey. She was probably too young to understand even if Lizzy tried to warn her of the things that she would face, the people that might betray her.
Suddenly, older Lizzy overheard her mother yelling. She shuffled down a few steps to get in better range. She had never heard her yell like that. Her voice broke from screeching. What was happening? What were they arguing about?
Lizzy heard the words “bad mother” and “why did we let her go?” …
“What are they saying?” younger Lizzy whispered.
Lizzy ushered her to stay put.
“Wait!” Young Lizzy pulled at her hand, “Where are you going?”
Surprised by her former self’s confidence to become so attached to a stranger, Lizzy reassured her that she was going to listen with the grownups.
“You just stay here and keep Teddy safe.”
Younger Lizzy nodded obediently.
Lizzy tiptoed down the stairs and quickly hid behind the wall. Surely the space-time continuum would explode or something if her parents saw her sixteen years into the future, she thought. That, and the fact they would assume she was an intruder.
From the range of their voices Lizzy could tell they were in the dining room, perhaps at the kitchen table?
“How could we lose her!” Lizzy’s mother exploded. “We should have never let her go on that trip with Julia. Everything that day was taken away from me. My family. My baby—”
“That’s not true,” Brent interrupted tenderly. Lizzy pictured him taking Claudia’s hands, reassuring her.
“We have a family, we have our baby—it’s not what we expected but it’s how it worked out.”
Was he talking about Lizzy? Was she not what they expected? She was not enough? Lizzy looked up at her five-year-old self on the stairs, playing contentedly with Teddy—without a care in the world.
There was a long pause.
Lizzy waited with her back against the wall in the silence but realized she might not be doing herself any favors. Perhaps she shouldn’t hear this. She was about to leave and join her younger self, until she heard her Dad’s suggestion.
“We—we … could try again.” His voice was timid and gentle. “But we can’t bring her back. We have to move on—for Elizabeth’s sake …”
Lizzy had never heard him so sensitive before. He was like a different person. What did they mean “bring her back”?
“It’s been four years but I still expect her to come running into my arms after preschool,” she muttered. “I keep thinking if only we took separate cars that weekend or if the fire department got there in time …” Claudia’s voice broke, “I-I lost everything that day.”
“Please,” Lizzy’s Dad consoled her between sobs. “You say this as if you were alone through this—”
“I lost my brother-in-law, my sister and my baby—” Claudia snapped.
“And I didn’t?!” Brent interrupted her. “You are not going through this alone, I am here, and Elizabeth is here. We have to be there for her, too.”
“How can you say that? You can’t even look her in the eyes some days.”
“Because when I do all I see is Bethany …”
Silence fell between them. The short quiet gave Lizzy enough time to piece together what her parents were saying. There was an accident, a car crash, a fire? Claudia lost her family and Bethany … who was Bethany?
Finally, Brent contined after a long sigh, “They looked so alike for cousins. Remember you and Julia would take them both through town and everyone thought they were sisters …” Brent chuckled from the memory then his voice faded, “I know Bethany was our miracle but so is Lizzy … she survived.”
Claudia let out a moan and ushed the words “I know, I know” softly as if trying to reassure herself.
“Julia would be so ashamed of me—of how I brought her up. I can’t do this without her. We wanted kids together … to be mothers together. … All I wanted was to be one—”
“But you are—”
“She’s not mine!” Claudia screamed.
The whole house stilled.
Little Lizzy whispered, “Why’s Mummy shouting?”
“Shh,” Lizzy faked a smile. “She just burned her tongue on some tea.”
“Someone should blow on it. Mummy does that for me.”
Lizzy felt her throat close over and took a deep swallow, then continued listening.
“Claudia, please …” Brent begged, “we knew this would be hard.”
This time Lizzy had to look. She peeked around the wall and saw her parents. Their faces, though wrinkleless and youthful, had never looked so worn down. Claudia’s shoulders shuddered with her sobbing.
“I-I love her so much but I feel like I can’t give Lizzy the life she deserves … the life that was meant for our Bethany …”
Brent fell to his knees and rested his hands on her lap.
“Our darling girl is ours. Though she may not be our direct flesh and bones, she belongs to us.”
Face wet with tears, Claudia looked at Brent. “We tried so hard to have her and so suddenly she was taken from us,” Claudia’s voiced caught in her throat, “sometimes I think why did she die in the accident and not Lizzy? I-I know it’s a cruel thing to say … I don’t deserve her. She deserves better … she deserved her parents!”
“Hush,” he kissed her cheeks and wiped her eyes. “We are her parents. And there is nothing in the world that will change that. You are her mother. I am her father.” His voice began to shake, “We will love her for all that she is, all that she has been and all that she is yet to be—”
Lizzy’s father broke down. He wept into Claudia’s lap and tugged at her skirt like a crying child, clinging to the need of affection.
Lizzy had never seen him so vulnerable. She wanted to run out from behind the wall and reassure him, hug him, love him right back. But she couldn’t. She wasn’t even sure she could move.
“We can do this …” Claudia wrapped her arms over him, joined like a ying-yang. “We have to for Lizzy.”
“For Lizzy,” Brent finished.
“Who are you?” younger Lizzy whispered from the stairs.
Lizzy quickly dabbed her eyes with the back of her hand and looked up at her younger self, tucked in the corner. She had no idea what was going on. To her, the world is Teddy, her protector. But seventeen years from today, she would learn something about herself and her parents …
“I’m the babysitter,” Lizzy said with a smile. “Now come along. It’s well past your bedtime.”
Little Lizzy rolled her eyes, a trait Lizzy thought she hadn’t picked up till boarding school, tiptoed up the stairs and into her room. As Lizzy went to leave, little Lizzy wailed.
“What’s wrong now?”
She crossed her arms and pouted, “Tuck me into bed.”
“Can’t you do it yourself?” Lizzy noted the irony as soon as she said this. She was trying desperately to be strong in front of her.
“The babysitter always tucks me in … and reads me a story.”
Lizzy gestured her to jump into bed and she tucked the covers right up to her younger self’s chin.
“There’s no time for a story.” She was conscious Claudia and Brent would do their nightly checkup soon, Lizzy had to leave here as soon as possible. “But I want to tell you something before I go—”
“Where are you going?”
“Somewhere else, don’t worry—we’ll see each other again. But I want to tell you something important, Lizzy. Something I want you to remember, okay?”
Her younger self chuckled up at her, “Okay.”
“For a long time you’ll think you’re different from your parents. You might not ever feel connected to them or feel like they understand you but some day you’ll understand why and—and you won’t feel so confused anymore—”
“Why are you crying?” younger Lizzy asked bluntly.
Lizzy shook her head, “I just need you to know that this doesn’t mean your parents don’t love you. They … they lost someone. But they have you. Okay?”
She looked at her younger self, wide eyed and stunned. Lizzy realized she had probably scared the poor girl.
“Say ‘okay’ if you understand.”
“Okay.” She giggled, clearly thinking it was a game.
Lizzy gave the covers one last tug with shaking hands and headed to the door. Just keep breathing, Lizzy told herself.
Hold it together for her.
“One last thing,” Lizzy quickly opened the door, “be sure to keep Teddy away from the fireplace.”
Lizzy walked back to the bathroom, taking in nothing around her. Every little movement was done without thinking. Shut the door. Lean against the wall. Slide down to the floor.
Her body, heavy and tired from adrenaline, gave in to everything that had happened. How could she look at her parents the same way again? Who was the man in the mask? How did he find her? Has he done something to Mum and Dad? Or Claudia and Brent? What should she call them? Who were they to her?
Footsteps climbed the stairs.
Lizzy’s face felt flushed so she rested the side of her cheek to the tiled floor. It was cold and sobering but didn’t completely chill the heat around her. The footsteps got louder.
Her fingers began to tingle and the warmth grew.
“Elizabeth?”
Shit.
They couldn’t find her in here. She doubted “I’m the babysitter” would work with them.
“Elizabeth? Are you in there?” It was Claudia.
There’s nowhere to hide … worse case scenario was they called the cops on her. Claudia flicked on the bathroom light. Lizzy expected a scream but instead she asked, “What have you done to the window?”
Lizzy looked up and saw it was broken—glass was everywhere.
“Elizabeth, what happened?”
She was back in the present.
“Mum!” Lizzy bolted from the floor and into her arms. “Mum! It’s you—”
“Yes, it’s me. Who else did you think it was?”
I’m back.
“Where’s Dad?”
“What in God’s name have you done to the door?” Dad’s deep voice came from behind. She flipped around and fell into his arms.
“Dad.”
He hugged her back and stroked her hair. Lizzy burrowed into his neck. It had been so long since she’d hugged him—
“Shh, shh, shh … it’s okay, Lizzy,” he cooed, “you’re all right.”
Tears from her eyes burst forth. He rocked Lizzy gently and she gave in to her grief, pausing only to recover her breath. He didn’t ask her what was wrong. He just cradled her in his arms. Lizzy hadn’t cried in front of them like this in years. But it felt different. It felt genuine, reliable.
Finally, she looked up at him then turned to face Claudia. At that moment, Lizzy realized the wall built up between them was gone. They didn’t know but she did … and it didn’t feel so sad anymore.
After a cup of tea and one of Claudia’s homemade cookies, Lizzy explained what she was doing there. Although, not the whole truth. She fixed a lie about study and stress. Brent didn’t make a sly comment about her history degree the entire time. Instead, he asked how her grades were going and the field trip, seeming sincerely interested.
“I hope the pressure of study isn’t forcing you to relieve stress by smashing windows.”
“It must have been the wind,” Claudia answered before Lizzy had a chance, “I was out doing some gardening in the far veggie patch and left the laundry door open. The wind must have slammed the door—”
“Did you see anyone?” Lizzy asked abruptly.
She walked over to join Brent on the couch.
“Who would I’ve seen?” Claudia nestled up beside him.
“Did you hear anything?”
Claudia was here the whole time. Did the masked man see her? Lizzy wondered if he would hurt her parents to send a message? That was why he beat up Roy.
Claudia narrowed her eyes, “I thought I heard you in the kitchen but you must have gone straight upstairs to use the bathroom. But that reminds me—” she hopped up and retrieved Lizzy’s bag from behind the couch.
“This has been ringing the whole time.”
Unsure where she had found her bag, Lizzy took it tentatively. What did the man do with it? She undid the drawstring and retrieved her phone. Eight miss calls from Phillip.
Crap.
“I have to go!” Lizzy swung the bag over her shoulder.
“But you just got here and it’s getting late. Please stay, Lizzy—”
“What is the time?”
“Nearly eight o’clock.”
“Jeez!” She raced to her bedroom to get Teddy—she still needed him for practice, and then met Claudia and Brent at the bottom of the stairs. They both looked at her, smiling.
“Please don’t be a stranger,” Claudia urged and gave Lizzy a quick kiss on the cheek. She noticed the dining table and chairs they had been sitting in under an hour ago—confessing a tragic event from the past. And where Lizzy learned, well … where she learned the truth.
“This is your home, Lizzy and know that whenever you feel like you’ve had enough—whatever it may be, you come and see us.”
“I wish I didn’t have to go but I need to get back—urgently. Someone’s waiting.”
“Is it Joe?” Claudia asked cheerfully.
Lizzy rolled her eyes and she gave them each one last hug then headed for the door.
