They were never subtle in the way they commented on his relationship status, or tried to play matchmaker with the baristas at the bakery where Conrad worked before he started his own custom cake business. He thinks the joke is on them because he found a barista all on his own.

  “Of course,” Adrian says, frowning a little. “I know you guys didn’t want me to be alone. Everyone was pairing off and I was the fifth wheel, always ruining your plans.”

  Ben shakes his head. Adrian hasn’t seen his brother look this serious in a long time.

  “You never smiled; you barely spoke. Sometimes you would just…stare. At nothing. And none of us knew if you were even hearing what we were saying. It’s like your body was there, but your mind was completely gone. It reminded me of Mom. We weren’t just worried, Adrian, we were scared. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you too.”

  Adrian doesn’t know what to say to that, so he grabs Ben by the shoulders and hugs him. He hugs him so tight he doesn’t know how he will let go. Adrian doesn’t remember the last time he hugged his brother like this.

  “You aren’t gonna lose me,” he says, and he means it more than he ever has before. Adrian looks over Ben’s shoulder at Noah, still laughing with Conrad and completely oblivious to the vice grip his smile has on Adrian’s heart. Meeting Noah has breathed life into him in ways he didn’t know he needed. Meeting Noah has saved his life.

  It’s then that Noah looks up and catches Adrian’s eye. Adrian flashes him a small, encouraging smile.. The smile he gets in return is small and sweet and shy and it makes Adrian’s heart ache.

  People talk about their heart skipping a beat, but he’s sure his skips several. It stops beating altogether, and it doesn’t start again until Noah gives him a little wave. Then he goes back to his conversation with Conrad as though he didn’t just kill Adrian with a single look.

  Adrian releases Ben. He wants to say something like I’m sorry or I love you or I’m not going to do what Mom did, but Ben speaks again. This time, Adrian isn’t sure how to feel about what he says.

  “Cherish every single moment you have with him, Adrian,” Ben tells him. “You don’t know when it might be your last.”

  Adrian has just won his third round of Uno when Noah gets his attention with a hand on his shoulder.

  “It’s getting kinda late,” Noah is speaking to Adrian like they’re the only two in the room, even with four pairs of eyes on them. “Wanna head out?”

  Adrian agrees—how could he not when Noah is looking down at him like that? —and no one protests. Lucas all but ushers him out the door, telling him someone else deserves a win. Another time, Adrian might take that as a challenge and stay just to spite him, but he doesn’t care about winning a stupid card game when he has something so much better. Noah takes his hand. Adrian doesn’t let go the entire drive home.

  “You okay?” Noah asks once they’ve arrived home, greeted Biscuit, washed their faces, and changed into their sweats.

  Adrian hums in response. He moves Biscuit from where she was curled in a ball on his pillow and makes himself comfortable on the bed. Biscuit presses up beside him and goes right back to sleep.

  “You’ve been quiet,” Noah says as he slips under the covers and curls into Adrian’s side.

  In the grand scheme of things, Adrian talked more tonight than he usually does, but that’s all Noah. His presence is enough to drag Adrian out of his shell, but Noah has never known the Adrian who was so far removed from everyone around him that he never bothered opening up. Noah knows him better than anyone else does. It’s strange to think that there are things Noah doesn’t know about Adrian, that a time existed before him.

  “Have I ever told you about Sarah?” He asks, because it feels like something Noah should know. But Adrian is sure he’s never told him, so how would he?

  Noah shakes his head. “I’ve heard her name around, but no one really talks about her so I never asked.”

  Adrian nods and stares blankly at the cobweb forming in the corner of the ceiling and makes a mental note to clean that tomorrow.. He’s not sure even Noah can help him find these particular words.

  “She grew up with Ben, Conrad and me. You know Ben’s older than me, but not by much, so the four of us were always pretty close growing up. Ben and Sarah were together ever since we were kids. They got married in grade school more than once. I think that’s how you know it was real.

  “She was really sweet, too. She was the original mother of the group. She and Ben took over the role of parents when our real parents were gone. When it was too much for them, her parents stepped in to help.

  “Sarah was Ben’s first everything. She was his everything. Even now, I don’t think he’s over her. I don’t think he ever will be. Conrad knows that too, and he’s okay with it. He’s a better person than me, I think.

  “I was there when Sarah died. It was a few years ago now, but you don’t forget something like that. I was staying with her and Ben at the time because I wasn’t old enough to live on my own, and Dad was completely out of the picture by this point. Ben ran out to grab some cheese for dinner, because you can’t have mac-and-cheese without the cheese, and it was my favorite so Sarah wanted to teach me how to make it. She was stirring the pasta when she just…fell. The pot of boiling water fell with her and I burned my feet trying to see if she was okay.

  “The doctors said it was an aneurysm and she didn’t feel anything. So, at least there’s that. But I still remember the look on her face. She could’ve been sleeping, if I didn’t know better. Sometimes I still see her when I close my eyes.

  “Conrad was there for him the whole time. He’s always been in love with Ben, ever since we were kids, but he never said anything. He knew how in love with Sarah Ben was and he’s not the kind of person to get in the way of someone’s happiness for the sake of his own. Even after Sarah was gone, he never made a move.

  “Ben kissed him first. At the start, Conrad thought it was just Ben’s way of grieving, but Ben never gave up. I think Sarah would approve. She would just want Ben to be happy. They visit her grave every year. Ben even went before he proposed. He wanted Sarah to know that he still loves her, and he wanted her to be the first to know.

  “He loves Conrad more than anything, and I’m happy they have each other, but Ben has never been the same since. I don’t think I have, either. Not until I met you. You make me feel like being in love is worth all the heartbreak in the world, and that’s…it kind of scares me.”

  “Ade…” Noah starts, but seems unsure how to continue. There have been plenty of times when Noah has left Adrian speechless, but this is the first time he’s stunned Noah. There are tears in his eyes when Adrian finally looks at him, and Adrian wants to kiss them away but he’s got tears in his eyes too and they might spill over if he does.

  “Sorry,” Adrian says. He clenches his teeth so he doesn’t cry and he smiles in an attempt to lighten the mood. “That was probably a bit of a downer for Christmas Eve.”

  Noah shakes his head furiously, like Adrian has mortally offended him. He sits up in bed and wipes his face with his sleeves.

  “No,” he says, and the look in his eye is hard and stubborn. “Don’t ever apologize for opening up to me.”

  Adrian’s mouth quivers and he doesn’t know if it’s because he wants to smile or because he wants to sob. Either way, he shoots up to kiss Noah and Noah kisses him back so tenderly, Adrian feels himself breaking apart and coming back together all at once.

  “I love you,” his voice is soft against Noah’s lips, but there’s a heaviness to his words. They hang in the air like a thick fog and Noah kisses him a bit harder because of it. Adrian thinks of what Ben said and he knows he’s right. You don’t always see the end coming before it catches you. He doesn’t want to reach the end with Noah. He doesn’t want to miss out on anything they might have.

  Before he can stop it, a small sob breaks past Adrian’s lips and brings their kiss to a screeching halt. He really doesn’t know what he did to end up with someone like Noah, and the thought of losing him is a knife to the heart that’s only just started beating again. Noah pulls Adrian’s head to his chest, and Adrian cries.

  It’s December 31st, five minutes to midnight. They left Ben and Conrad’s house early because Noah made an offhand comment that he wanted to see the fireworks, and Adrian had tripped over his feet running to make that happen. But Adrian doesn’t go out on New Year’s Eve. The first thirteen years of his life were spent with family, and the last ten with friends. This year is different. This year he’s with Noah. He wants next year to be with Noah, too.

  Adrian doesn’t go out at all, really, so he forgets that New York roads, especially on New Year’s, are little tins of Yellow-Cab sardines. Packed to the brim with nowhere to move.

  “Baby, it’s fine,” Noah says when Adrian makes the mistake of verbalizing his concern that they won’t make it to Times Square by midnight in this traffic.

  “But I promised you fireworks!” His words are slurred, threaded in cursive with the champagne they shared earlier, but it’s the way Noah slings an arm over his shoulders and leans into him that has Adrian warming up.

  “I just want my New Year’s kiss.”

  The way he says it, low and mostly to himself, has Adrian’s stomach churning for all the right reasons.

  On the radio, coverage of the Times Square celebrations is playing. The countdown begins after this song.

  Adrian looks out as many of the car’s windows as possible from where he sits behind the passenger seat. They’re nowhere near Times Square, but he knows where they are.

  “Fuck it,” he mumbles. Then he takes Noah’s hand, pushes the door open and scrambles out of the car. Horns beep in protest. Cyclists ding their little bells at the obstruction. Adrian waves his hand over his head in apology, a sort of what can you do? motion, and he grabs his wallet to pass a handful of bills to the driver (who has wound down his window to yell obscenities at him).

  He doesn’t let go of Noah’s hand as they weave through the Yellow-Cab sardines. Ignores the shouts of angry drivers and inconvenienced pedestrians who shout after them, though Adrian can’t help but think that cries of frustration are a fitting soundtrack to his first New Years with someone he wants a future with.

  Noah must realize where Adrian is taking him as they run up the stone steps and past the gates, because when Adrian looks back at him there’s a knowing smile splitting his face in two.

  They collapse in an exhausted heap on the grounds of Sakura Park just in time for the first bang to sound. When they look up, they see sparks of color shooting in the distance of the city skyline. Noah watches on in awe as the colors bloom against the dark of the sky. Adrian is looking at him.

  “Hey,” Adrian says softly, just loud enough for Noah to hear. When he turns his head to look at Adrian, the smile on Noah’s face is so content that Adrian smiles too. Then he kisses him. He tastes like flat champagne and box-mix cupcakes. “Happy New Year.”

  “Happy New Year,” Noah replies. “This grass is kinda wet.”

  He makes no motion to move.

  “Yeah,” Adrian says, and he’s starting to notice the dampness of the grass. Beads of midnight dew are seeping into his cashmere sweater. It’s so cold his bones start to burn, but he doesn’t move, pinned to the ground by the weight of Noah’s stare. Frozen in place not by the icy December air, but by the desire to keep Noah looking at him for as long as he can.

  “We’re gonna get sick.”

  “Maybe.”

  They stay there on the cold, wet grass and they look at each other. Adrian lets himself wonder what he’d be doing tonight if Noah wasn’t with him, but he banishes the thought from his mind just as quickly as it came. He doesn’t want to know who he would be without Noah.

  Noah has had relationships. He’s offered to talk to Adrian about them (because he knows Adrian gets curious) but the answer remains the same. Adrian doesn’t want to hear about all the other people Noah has loved, because he has only ever loved Noah. He likes to delude himself that Noah has only ever loved him too.

  They ran into one of those other people at the grocery store last week. It was a Tuesday. They were in the questionably titled International Foods aisle and Adrian was deciding between two different brands of Hokkien noodle, while Noah questioned if it’s still international foods if you were born and raised cooking those meals in this country and…

  A man interrupted him with a simple, “Noah?”

  It was a name, but it said so much more. It was said with the reverence of someone who had once whispered it late at night beneath unwashed sheets. He said it like he was saying Hello. I haven’t seen you in so long but I’ve thought about you every day and now here you are. How are you? I’ve missed you. Have you missed me?

  Noah froze, mumbled a flustered, “Hey, uh, how’ve you been?”

  The man said he’d been good. Said Noah looked good. Said he’d been thinking about him lately. Noah replied by introducing Adrian, his boyfriend. The man acted surprised, like Adrian hadn’t been standing there, holding Noah’s hand, the whole time. But maybe the man didn’t notice that. Adrian couldn’t really blame him for that. When Noah was around, he struggled to see other people too.

  The man left after that, and Adrian and Noah just didn’t talk about it. But Adrian thought about it for far too long.

  He thought about it so much that the very next morning, while Noah was at work, Adrian went out and bought him a Valentine’s Day gift. Nervous tremors wracked his anxious body as he purchased it, worrying what Noah would think and if he would like it.

  Adrian had never bought a Valentine’s Day gift before, never thought he’d want to. They’d promised no gifts, because Noah was a broke college student but mostly because they both agreed they didn’t need a day to show their love. But Adrian wanted to show his love. He wanted Noah to wear his love like an accessory. Something shiny and new that would make everyone stop and stare in awe. He loved Noah the most and he wanted everyone to know that.

  His love comes in the form of a fancy pen with a French name that Adrian can’t pronounce (a brand he knows Noah likes but says he can never justify buying) and a leather-bound notebook. He has Noah’s name embossed on the front in gold, just because he can.

  On Valentine’s Day morning, the first thing Adrian sees when he opens his eyes is Noah’s sleeping face. He should be used to this by now, but it still takes him by surprise that someone as beautiful as Noah chooses to spend every night and day with him.

  He can’t resist pressing a kiss to the tip of Noah’s nose, and Adrian notices the briefest smile flit across his face before he murmurs, “Kiss me again.”

  Adrian obliges with another small, feather-light kiss to the tip of Noah’s sharp nose. Noah smiles again, this time wider. “Now kiss me properly.”

  Adrian does. Noah kisses him back and Adrian thinks this is a perfect morning.

  “I love you,” Noah says, and Adrian can feel the lazy smile against his mouth.

  “I love you, too.”

  He leans over, kisses Noah one more time for good luck. The movement disturbs Biscuit, whose head sneaks up from behind the white duvet and stretches on her hind legs. She jumps into Adrian’s lap and curls into a ball there.

  “I’m starting to think she likes you more than me,” Noah says, seeing Biscuit in Adrian’s lap.

  Adrian smiles at him. He thinks that if he could live in any moment of time, it would be this one. “I have something for you.”

  It’s been hard to keep it a surprise, because it’s hard for Adrian to keep secrets from Noah, not even the good ones, but he’s glad he did because the way Noah’s face lights up is worth a hundred good secrets.

  The drawer of his bedside table creeks when he opens it.

  “Sorry, gift wrapping isn’t my strong suit,” Adrian says to ease some of the anxiety he’s feeling, but Noah is looking at him like he kind of can’t believe Adrian is real. He knows the feeling. He kind of can’t believe Noah is real.

  Despite the poor gift-wrapping, Noah is gentle when he opens it. He takes his time to peel away the tape, unfold the edges and smooth them out, as though the paper will ever be used again. Adrian knows it won’t.

  “Ade,” he whispers the name so tenderly it’s almost a sigh. The sound makes his heart sting. He thinks it must be the blade of Cupid’s arrow piercing the long-dead muscle. “This is beautiful.”

  Noah trails delicate fingers along the sage green spine, traces the shape of his name on the cover embossed in gold. “How much did this cost?”

  Adrian shrugs. The answer is more than he’s ever spent on anything for anyone, ever, but he’s not about to tell Noah that. Because Noah deserves nice things and Adrian wants to buy them for him. Adrian can buy them for him.

  “I’m pretty sure the appropriate response to receiving a gift is ‘thank you’,” Adrian says.

  “Thank you,” Noah repeats. “But seriously, you didn’t need to buy me anything. I thought we said no gifts?”

  “Noah. I wanted to.”

  “I didn’t get you anything,” Noah mumbles it down at his hands. Caramel hair is falling into his eyes and obscuring his face, but Adrian can see the pink of his cheeks. He’s embarrassed, but not because of the gift—because he can’t afford to return the favor. The realization warms Adrian, then douses him in ice water all over again. The arrow in his heart burrows in deeper. He feels a crack start to form.

  Adrian doesn’t remember much from when he was a young boy with a still-whole family and he tries to forget as much as he can. But one thing he does remember is that they couldn’t afford too many nice things. Most of his clothes were Ben’s first, his school books and toys too. Most Christmas presents were shared and birthday gifts were small. Going out for dinner at the cheap Chinese restaurant a few streets over was a rare treat, and if they stopped at the drive-thru for a soft serve on the way home, his mom called that a ‘splurge’.

 

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