One night in a lords bed, p.25
One Night in a Lord's Bed, page 25
If he had ever existed at all. She still had no answer to that mystery and she supposed she never would.
She was worried a tear might escape at any moment and was trying to decide if she should quit the room before she became a watering pot when Francis reached out and gently squeezed her hand. It was the touch of family remembered and something warm and hazy flared to life inside of her. But she didn’t dare hope. She was not quite that foolish.
“You may still consider me your brother if you like. I find that I am dreadfully short on family.” He smiled and once more, Violet heard Alex growl angrily, making her smile in turn. “I think you might like my other sister, Eliza. Lady Candlewood as she is called now. Then again, she is easy to like and likes most everyone in return. She liked me from the first, even when I had no idea who I truly was. That is, I think, saying something.”
“I should love to meet her.” Violet squeezed his hand back, more confident now, the hope that she had assumed dead now blossoming inside of her once more. “I should love to meet anyone you wish me to meet, for I’ve no other family save for you. And Cousin Moses, but we won’t discuss him just yet.” The man was dead and Francis likely had no memory of him either, but still, it was a delicate topic and one not easily broached. “But only if you are completely certain for you are not even truly my family.
“But you are my sister, at least in the ways that count,” Francis replied as he squeezed her hand again. “Violet, I cannot promise what the future might bring. I cannot promise that I will ever remember my past or your part in it. What I can promise you, however, is the same thing that Eliza promised me after the truth of my birth was revealed. She promised that come what may, we would begin making new memories – together – and that she would be beside me every step of the way. So now, I make that same promise to you. It might not be easy, but we will forge a new path together, if you’d like.”
“Oh, I should adore that!” Violet was so happy that she thought her face might crack from all of the smiling she was doing. Oh, she had no wish to make a fool of herself, but it felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. “Thank you.”
He cared. That was all she could ask for. Despite a lack of blood ties, this man cared if she lived or died and he was offering her family. Offering her his family. Family that she had no right to claim, but he was offering it anyway.
Suddenly, Violet’s heart felt so full that she felt as if it might burst.
After that, time became something of a blur to Violet. Lady Charlotte and Francis’ future was discussed. Count Marino grumbled and Alex growled. Drinks were passed around. But Violet didn’t pay any of that much mind.
She had a family again and while her future was still murky, she at least had the promise of something other than the workhouse or becoming a Covent Garden whore. She might even have a chance to be with Alex, at least for a little while longer.
As they all raised their glasses of scotch in celebration, Violet sought out Alex’s gaze with her own.
Now that this is over, do you want me still? she tried to ask him with her eyes, without the words that she could not say. Do you care at all for me or are we finished? Now that I have a family, will you still care for me? Do I matter to you the way you matter to me? Or was I just another woman to warm your bed?
However, if Alex had answers to give her, they were hidden in the depths of his dark eyes and Violet could see there would be no answer now.
Nor would there be one later, as just then Lady Charlotte, her father and Lord Noah Acton, the Earl of Snowly, all tumbled into Phin’s study, the anger simmering between the trio still palpable.
No, now was not the time to speak with Alex, Violet decided as the duke hauled Lady Charlotte’s father to his feet. She also wondered if there ever would be. At the rate things were going and, as it seemed like fisticuffs were about to break out at any moment, that seemed unlikely. Violet could only hope that there might be a chance later. Though from the dark, cold look Alex gave her as he hauled Snowly to his feet, she had the distinct impression that he was already distancing himself from her.
Violet had the sinking feeling that she had her answer. He was done with her. And despite the gift of family that she had just been given, her heart broke a little bit more anyway.
Chapter Twenty-Two
By the time mid-afternoon began to stretch into late afternoon, Alex was in a wretched mood. He should have been thrilled. After all, Violet had been claimed by her brother. Or not-brother. Or whatever he was. In any case, she was no longer Alex’s responsibility to watch over. And yet that was the very source of his problem. Violet was not his to care for any longer. He had no right to be with her or to protect her or, bloody hell, even spend time with her. She was not his – period. End of the story.
And he had come to the conclusion that he did not want the affair between them to end. Though he also knew that it had to be.
Because despite the fact that Alex cared for Violet – and yes, likely even loved her – he was not a good man. He had never been, and he likely would never be. He would only hurt her, bring her down, and, in the end, make her miserable.
He wanted a better life for her than that. She deserved a life of love and happiness. She should have a husband who truly deserved her and not one chased by the demons of his past. That could never and would never be him.
When they had first met, Alex had vowed to himself that he would never hurt Violet for she had suffered enough. Except that now, he was about to break that vow and it cut him deeply.
But it had to be done. There was no getting around it.
Alex had hoped to speak with Violet right after the meeting in Phin’s study. He wanted to be the one to tell her about her new-found inheritance, and that she was finally to be rid of him. He also wanted to tell her…well what exactly he didn’t know but he firmly believed the words would come to him when he opened his mouth.
Or at least he hoped they would.
Then the melee in Phin’s study had taken place and suddenly, Alex found himself breaking up a brawl between Charlotte’s father and Francis. Or almost brawl, as both Alex and Francis were younger and faster than the older man by a good bit, and it hadn’t taken much to restrain him. Add in the fist that Phin had planted in Lord Snowly’s undamaged eye after the man had insulted Violet and the smirking Count Marino in the corner only making a bad situation worse, and the whole afternoon had taken a rather bizarre twist.
However, through it all, one thing had been clear to Alex. Francis was protecting Violet. The other man had made certain that she was with Charlotte and that the two women were always behind his back, the brawling men in front so that no one could reach them. Save for Phin who had stated that Violet was like a second sister to him as she “seemed a good sort” and that anyone insulting her would have to deal with him. That proclamation had led to Lord Snowly blackened eye – which in some ways was rather fortunate.
Had it been up to Alex, Snowly would have been facing pistols at dawn. Or broadswords at dusk. Alex wasn’t overly choosy about how the earl met his demise, just so long as he did.
Alex had also noticed the way Violet’s eyes had lit up and the way she sparkled from within when Francis had made her a part of his family, even though he held no memory of her and even though no blood-ties bound them. Violet had finally found what she was searching for, what she had come all the way across England to rediscover. She had her brother back, at least in a way. She had found a good man to care for her until another man could come along, one who would make Violet his wife and care for her all of the days of her life.
And if Alex was certain of one thing, it was that Francis Deaver, for all of his flaws, was a good man. An honorable man. He would make certain Violet found that same sort of man to marry. A man like himself and not a man like Alex.
This unnamed future husband would be all of the things that Alex was not. Violet did not need a flawed man like Alex. She needed a husband from a good family and with a good name, the kind of husband Francis would make certain she had. Because Francis loved Violet – at least in his own way.
He might not remember her, but something of that old connection remained between them. Memories might be erased, but Alex’s gut told him that feelings never were, at least not on their deepest level. And William and Violet had been as close as any brother and sister could be. Now that William was Francis? He loved Violet still, even if he could not remember why.
Alex loved Violet too.
An afternoon of drinking and thinking had confirmed to his brain what his heart already knew. But Alex couldn’t offer her an honorable love. His love was pure, he knew that much, but he was far from an honorable man. Therefore, he doubted that his love could be all that honorable either. If it were, he wouldn’t have taken her to bed without the benefit of marriage first.
Instead, all Alex could offer Violet was a flawed kind of love, tattered at the edges, worn in places, and more than a little ragged everywhere else. He was a little ragged. But he still loved her. She just deserved someone better.
So now it was time to let her go. His assignment here was done, much as it pained him to say that.
Now, Alex was out wandering the far edge of Fullbridge’s gardens. He should have been inside preparing for the grand masquerade ball. Violet should have been doing so as well. However, when he had gone to look for her so that he could end things, Meggie had informed him that “Lady Violet” as she was now being called everywhere, had gone for a walk in the gardens before preparing for the evening.
Alex had seen Violet’s evening gown laid out on the bed, an elaborate creation that he had selected for her, knowing that if he managed to deliver her to Havenhurst on time, there would at least be one masquerade for her to attend. Phin was noted for his love of masquerades. Next to the gown had been the bejeweled mask he had specially commissioned to accompany the gown, as well as a pair of matching crystal encrusted slippers.
A costume fit for a queen. Or a marchioness. His marchioness? Perhaps. Alex wanted her to be.
Had he somehow known when he commissioned this wardrobe that he would grow to desire this woman who had been described to him as plain and uninteresting? Had his heart known somehow that she was more than just another assignment? After researching her and reading her file, had his heart known she was more – more than any other woman he had ever or would ever meet? Had his heart known that he would finally, after all of these years, fall in love?
Perhaps. But it didn’t matter. Violet didn’t want him. She couldn’t want him. It wasn’t wise. And if she thought she still did? Well, then, she was wrong. Especially once she found out about the money waiting to secure her future. She now had a glittering, perfect life with her old brother laid out before her. She would have the young bucks of London kneeling at her feet, begging for a chance to win her hand. She would have her pick of men.
She did not need an old, weathered, hard-hearted libertine rake like Alex.
No, Violet needed her freedom and he intended to give it to her. No matter how much it hurt him in the process.
Which was how he found himself slogging through Phin’s muddy gardens, the runoff from the recent rains making everything soggy and damp and likely ruining his Hessians. Why in God’s name was Violet even out here in this marshy field that technically was a garden but now more resembled a swamp? God’s bones, she was an heiress! She shouldn’t even be here!
Except Violet didn’t know that yet. In her mind, she was still just plain Violet Denton, a woman of no particular note or consequence. Except that she wasn’t and never had been “just” Violet. Especially not as far as Alex was concerned. To him, she had always been magnificent and always would be. His hellcat.
Especially in her anger. He could still feel a bit of a sting where she had slapped him.
God, how he wanted her. How he loved her. But she wasn’t his. He had to remember that. He had to set her free.
Finally, he caught sight of a lone female figure walking along the far outer wall of the maze. He could tell immediately that it was Violet. If she went into the labyrinth, he would never find her, as this particular maze was one of the most complex in all of England. She would be lost and then a search party would need to be sent out and then people would discover she had been out without a chaperone and that would cause scandal and…
All of which would lead to bad things that Alex had no wish to deal with. Best to stop it all before it started then.
“Violet!” Alex called as loudly as he dared, praying that no one else was about, save for a hedgehog or two. “Violet! Wait! Please!”
If she heard him, she didn’t acknowledge him, instead continuing on to the opening of the labyrinth.
Lord, the chit was infuriating at times!
“Violet!” Alex broke into a run and managed to catch up with her just before she entered the maze. “Please do not make me chase you all over Havenhurst. I’ve not the stamina for it.”
He was surprised when she looked up, her eyes twinkling. “Perhaps you chasing me was just what I had in mind.”
“Violet, no. We can’t. Not any longer. It isn’t right.” He saw the shock flare in her eyes at his words. Surely, she could understand that they couldn’t go on as they had been. Couldn’t she?
“Why can’t we? I have merely gained a brother. I did not lose my senses or my desires.” She crossed her arms over her chest and Alex flashed back to that first day at Mrs. Smithson’s when he had all but dragged her out of that finishing school. “Nothing has changed, Alex. I am still Lady Violet Denton. I am still the same woman I was this morning.” Then she added softly. “And last night. And the night before that one, too.”
“You are also an heiress,” Alex replied, trying to decide how best to break the full depth of the news to her.
Once more, he was surprised when she rolled her eyes in irritation. “Yes. The unentailed portion of Cross Hill and the Moxham marquisate. I know all about it. Count Marino, Phin, and Francis were all too delighted to inform me that I am now a very wealthy woman.”
“So you know.” It was not a question. Alex’s heart fell to his feet. He had hoped this would be easy. He hadn’t wanted ending things between them to be this difficult. Then again, when had he ever gotten what he wanted? Never.
Violet rolled her eyes again. “Of course, I know. Actually, it seems as if I was among the last to know, and it’s already common gossip among the house party guests.” She reached out and placed her hand on his arm. “But it changes nothing, Alex. It is funds in a bank and perhaps a house to live in, at least for a time if Charlotte and Francis don’t want to make Cross Hill their home, which I am told they do not.”
“It changes everything,” Alex snapped in irritation, pulling away from her. The more she touched him, the more difficult this would be – if not impossible. “You are a wealthy heiress now! You can go to London! Find a rich husband who will worship you. Buy you fancy clothing and give you children.” He glanced at her stomach. “Provided you are not already with child, that is.”
“I am not.” Her eyes which had been so warm before were cooler now. “You think this new-found fortune matters to me? That I care about money more than people? You know me better than that, Alex. Or at least I thought you did.”
This time it was him reaching for her to grip her shoulders tightly. “Money always changes things, Violet! Always! Especially for women.”
She sniffed dismissively. “Perhaps in your world, but not mine.”
“Except that my world is your world now, and it is unlike anything you knew before,” he countered, unable to stop himself from stroking his thumb over her shoulder. “And if you think you can return to Cross Hill and continue on as you were before, you are not nearly as clever as I believed.”
Yanking away from him, Violet threw up her hands in exasperation. “Of course, I expect some things to change! I am not such a dullard as all of that! Nor do I expect to simply traipse back to Cross Hill and for life to continue on as it was. There will be changes. I understand that, and Francis and I have already spoken about some of them. But those are the little things. They are minor details in the fabric of my life. The important parts? Such as the man I chose to be my husband and the father of my children? Those will not change.” She narrowed her eyes. “I thought you understood that. Even though no promises were made and nothing said. When we touched, I thought you knew.”
Him. Violet meant him and Alex knew it. She cared for him and he supposed that on some level, he always knew she had. If she didn’t care for him, she would have never allowed him into her bed. Violet was not that sort of woman.
This was the perfect time to tell her that he cared for her too. And it would be so easy to open his mouth and say what was on his mind and in his heart. But it would also be condemning her to a life with him before she had the chance to experience the world beyond Hertfordshire and Cornwall. Before she could go to London and decide if she wanted a man closer to her own age, one of those silly young bucks who would all but salivate over her.
But it couldn’t be. Alex couldn’t be what Violet wanted. He could love her but he could not be a good husband. He was not made that way. He was a disappointment to everyone and he did not want to wake up some day and see that same disgust he had witnessed so often in his mother’s eyes looking back at him from Violet’s.
For as long as he could remember, anything that Alex loved, he destroyed. His failures had destroyed his parents’ love for him. There was no reason to believe that Violet would be any different. And he would rather die himself than destroy her.
