Epithet erased, p.9
Epithet Erased, page 9
“Well . . . maybe I could do some kinda test or something? There have to be other ways to become a minion than stupid recommendations!”
“Hmmmm . . .” Giovanni looked her up and down and considered. “Well, I suppose I do want to test something. If you pass, you can join the team!”
“Oh, yay!” she hopped up and down. “What do I have to do?”
“Just one thing!” he said. He raised his gargoyle arm in the air and pointed at her dramatically. “You need to show me that you’ve got the most important quality a minion can have.”
“Okay!” she blinked, “What is that?”
“You tell me!” He crossed his arms and smiled, like he had just offered her a really good riddle.
“Hmm . . .” Lorelai tilted her head and tapped her chin. “That’s tough . . . I spend most of my time as the hero, so I’m not really sure what kind of things minions get up to, other than getting stepped on.” The trio reflexively took a step away from her. “‘The most important quality a minion can have’ . . . Hmm . . . Oh, I know! Duh! Being
super evil! So all I have to do is come up with a cool plan and show off how evil I am!”
Molly thought about saying something mean, but decided against it.
“Evil plan,” Lori mused, “Evil plan, evil plan, evil plan . . . Bad guys like money right? Maybe we could . . . kidnap a rich person for . . . ransom and stuff?”
“Yep, that’s a pretty classic villain plan,” Giovanni replied neutrally. As the minion auditor he needed to be careful not to give any hints.
“Okay! Great!” Lorelai turned towards Naven. “Hey. Naven. You’re a big, rich CEO of a big, rich company, right?”
“Indeed I am,” Naven said, in a tone that one might use to communicate with an oncoming truck.
“Nice!” Lori clapped her hands together. Sparkles flew out and she began to glow. A spell worked its way out of her mouth and into the floor. “Garden snaking through the land, take him now at my command~!” She swept her staff in a low arc and a tangle of thick, green vines shot up through the floor! They wrangled together and weaved into a giant hand, grabbing Naven tight like a squeaky toy.
“Well, I guess this is happening,” he said.
Molly jumped. No, dangit! Lorelai wasn’t supposed to use her powers in the middle of the store like that! . . . Or kidnap people like that! She reached out a hand to stop her sister.
“Lori!”
But it was too late.
Before she could reach her, Lorelai raised her staff and a new dream bubble began to sprout from its bunny-eared tip, expanding past Lorelai and swallowing all of them inside a light that made it too bright to see. Before her vision whited out completely, Molly saw the witch sticking her tongue out with a distinctive neener-neener expression meant just for her.
And the world turned to ivory . . .
3
Distance
The Neo Trio came to somewhere unknown; blinking away soft, honeyed sunlight.
They found themselves lying in the soil of a vast garden, the kind you might imagine hidden behind a mansion or in the courtyard of a palace. Row after row of hedges and topiaries sprawled ahead as far as the eye could see. Molly stood up and dusted herself off. Suddenly, her nose twitched. She caught the scent of something bittersweet lingering in the air. She looked at the cocoa-brown soil in her hand, sniffed it, and licked at it like a kitten.
This soil didn’t just look like chocolate . . . it literally was chocolate. Rich, crumbly, and sweet, like the crumbs of red velvet cake. This was no ordinary garden. Every other object was made of . . .
Candy!
Bright yellow lemon drops and candied apples dangled from a canopy of trees wrapped in literal peppermint bark. A pinkish orange hue blushed against the horizon and painted the sky the color of sorbet. Crickets sang in the warm, amber evening, and the whole place smelled like a bakery. Truly a sight to behold! A magical wonderland! Any child in their right mind would be delighted!
Molly was horrified.
“Ah . . . no! No, no, no, no!” she cried! “We talked about this! She’s not supposed to bring outsiders into her dream bubbles without permission! . . . Especially during store hours!”
“Does this . . . happen a lot?” Feenie asked.
Molly balled the fluff of her bear hoodie in front of her face and screamed into it.
“Hey, at least this dream bubble’s got candy in it,” Trixie said, snapping off a peppermint bark branch and putting it in her mouth like a cigar. “The last time we got scooped into one o’ these it was a racetrack. We nearly got run over.”
Suddenly, there was a noise, low and grumbling like an engine. Trixie reflexively jumped into a bush, eyes darting around for any trace of a car coming to turn her into a little pink pancake. What she found instead was something much weirder: Rick Shades had been deposited into a nearby patch of candied yams face-first, buried in the ground up to his torso. His spindly legs were kicking in the air like a very excited turnip begging to be plucked. The Neo Trio hurried over and pulled him free, causing him to pop out of the ground and land with a thud in the chocolate soil. He rubbed his eyes and blinked, taking in the technicolor candy world around him.
“Ah!” he smiled. “Guess I died! Bummer!”
“Rick!” Feenie cried, “I’m so glad that you’re okay!”
“Yes! It’s nice to see you again, Phoenica! Though also, it isn’t! Because we are dead! So, how did YOU three die? Was my drowning contagious?”
“We’re not dead,” Trixie said. “I’ve done a few ghost séances and I’m PRETTY sure at least ONE of ‘em would’ve mentioned it if the afterlife was made a' candy. Molly’s hobgoblin sister just threw us into a dream dimension.”
“Oh!” Rick blinked twice. “Is that all!”
Molly stood on a nearby rock. She was flipping back and forth and scanning the area, trying to see as far into the distance as she could from her tiny height.
“. . . No sign of Boss or Naven anywhere. She must’ve taken them.” She hopped off of the rock and into the chocolate dirt. “I don’t think she meant to bring us inside with her. We’re probably on the edge of the dream bubble. I bet she’s somewhere near the middle.”
This was bad.
The size of Lori’s dream bubbles was always deceptive. You could step into a bubble the size of a cardboard box and suddenly find yourself standing atop a mountain range or looking out over an endless ocean. There was no telling how big this world was or how far away Lorelai might be.
“Hmm . . .” Molly turned away from the elaborate honeyglow of the garden and looked back behind her.
Most of the garden was brightly lit and buzzing with life. Literal honey-bees and butter-flies flitted through the air and sang, but just beyond the spot they woke up in, the woods fell dark and silent. There was a small path snaking toward a little cobblestone bridge that spanned a small river. A lone lantern dangled over the bridge, but beyond its light the forest grew thick, dark, and impenetrable. It was like looking into the wings of a theater—somewhere the audience wasn’t supposed to see.
“That’s probably it,” Molly said, skipping across the bridge and approaching the forest.
She raised a hand glowing green with epithet aura and flicked at the space in front of her. The darkness caved, blowing open in a circle and revealing the toy store beyond. It was like a matte painting at the edge of a film set had been shot by a cannonball. The familiar smell of home wafted in through the darkness. “Yup, this is the edge.”
“Wow!” Rick said. “Portals! Cool power! Want to be friends?” He extended a hand sparking with black lightning. Molly brushed it aside and walked past him. “Haha wow! Rejected!”
She squinted over the horizon. “Boss should probably be alright, but I’m worried about Naven. He doesn’t have an epithet to defend himself with. We're gonna have to rescue him.”
“Who?” Rick asked.
“He’s our teacher.”
“He’s green,” Trixie added, for context.
“Ah!”
Rick did not ask any more questions.
The four set off together along the yellowy winding path through the garden. Sweet grass brushed against their legs and cicadas sang in the distance. This fantasy garden had a distinctly summery feel to it—more summery than it ever felt in Sweet Jazz city, in fact. The bells in Feenie’s hair jingled as she skipped. Trixie darted off the path multiple times in order to grab different candies growing nearby and stuff them into her pockets. Molly stuck silently to the path, keeping a watchful eye out for any sort of danger. Each one of Lorelai’s worlds was unique, but if they did have one thing in common, it’s that they were never as safe as they appeared.
The garden path they walked along led into a wooded area completely unlike the dark forest beyond the cobblestone bridge. This one was vibrant and bright, with amber light streaming in through big gaps in the yellow birch leaves.
Suddenly, an all-to-familiar voice whined at them from somewhere among the trees.
“Ugh . . . I thought you might be wandering around in here!”
The group looked around and noticed something strange hanging on a nearby tree. It was a mirror with an ornate, old-timey gold frame wrapped around it, the sort you might see on the wall of a fancy old mansion. Inside of the mirror was Lorelai, scowling at them from beneath her wide-brimmed lilac witch’s hat. She leaned her body through the mirror as if it were a window.
“Can’t you just let me play in peace?”
“A WITCH!!!” Rick shouted, pointing at her dramatically. “Hi-yah!” He chucked a bolt of black lightning straight at her head. Lori made a little yipe! noise and dove back into the mirror just in time. The mirror rippled like water before hardening again and Rick’s bolt bounced off its reflective surface, shooting off into the sky. She popped back out like an upset gopher.
“What the heck was that for?! Who even ARE you!? . . . Actually, y’know what? I don’t care! Skedaddle, sk’doot, turn into a newt~!” She swung her wand and a technicolor bunny blast exploded against Rick’s side. When the smoke cleared, Rick was gone. In his place was a small, purple lizard with blackened scales around the eyes resembling sunglasses. The lizard looked at itself.
“Aaah!” screamed Rick’s voice, “I have turned into some kind of horrible SURFACE DRAGON!!!” He flailed and immediately fell onto his side, tiny lizard grabbers clasping uselessly in the air.
Lorelai pouted. “You’re not a dragon. You’re a newt. Didn’t you hear my spell?”
“That’s a chameleon,” Trixie corrected.
“Huh?”
“That’s a chameleon, you dingus. You turned him into a chameleon. Chameleons are middle-sized and go ‘mlem!’” She stuck out her tongue. “Newts are small and go AAAA.” She opened her mouth like :V to demonstrate.
“Ugh,” Lori threw back her head. “Of course you’d know all about gross things like lizards.”
“Yeah, prolly ‘cause I’m not stupid.”
Phoenica snickered and then quickly covered her mouth. It wasn’t polite to laugh! Even if Lorelai was indeed stupid.
Lizard Rick crawled his way up a nearby tree so he was at conversation height. “Is this the witch that you mentioned on the beach, Phoenica?”
“No, I was referring to the Songstress. She’s a legendary witch! Quite a bit more powerful and spooky than this one. Although . . . The Songstress is usually resurrected through an earthly vessel called the Harbinger! Someone who hears demonic voices and controls the spirits of the dead. Hmm . . .” Feenie considered. “Lorelai? Have you been feeling evil lately? More so than usual, I mean.”
“Ughk!” Lori spat. “BLUCK!” she spat again. “You three are SO annoying! I’m not evil, I’m not the Songstress, and I’m not Lorelai! My name is the Hare-idan! The loveliest witch in all of the Ambleglow Bramble!”
“The where?” Trixie squinted.
“The Ambleglow Bramble. That’s here.” Lorelai gestured around herself and the leaves of the trees around her shook all at once, as if to affirm.
“What’s a ‘harridan’?” Molly asked.
“‘Harridan,’” Phoenica recited:
“noun.
A strict, bossy, or belligerent old woman.”
“NO! That’s WRONG!!!” Lori said like a strict, bossy, and/or belligerent old woman. “That’s a harridan. I’m the Hare-idan. As in ‘hare’? Like a cute little bunny rabbit?”
Trixie leaned over to Phoenica and whispered. “What does belligerent mean?”
Phoenica held up a finger.
“‘Belligerent!
adjective
Hostile and aggressive.
As used in the sentence: The mean, ugly witch was acting
very belligerent.”
Lorelai raised her wand.
“You’re nothing but trouble, get out of my bubble!”
She fired a spell that hit Phoenica square in the chest. The fluffy girl made a little bleating noise like somebody had pushed over a baby sheep before popping out of existence.
“Feenie!” the other two cried in unison.
“What? What happened?” asked Lizard Wizard Shades, who was hanging upside-down on a little tree branch. “I’m not quite used to these strange panoramic lizard eyes yet! I can see everything! But also nothing!”
“Get out, get out, get OUT!” Lori squawked! A barrage of bunny-eared bubbles soared through the woods and exploded around their feet. Rick, who was unfamiliar with his little lizard legs, didn’t stand a chance. One of the bubbles collided against his side and he was gone.
Molly covered her hands in glowing epithet energy like boxing gloves and popped the spells away by punching them before they could hit her.
Trixie, for her part, managed surprisingly well even without an epithet. She sprang back and forth like a horror movie alley cat, hissing and spitting while bounding off tree trunks. She was prepared for this. In the summer, she and her siblings would have water balloon fights in the trailer park. And sometimes, if she was feeling spicy, the mean old lady across the street would throw cans at them. She was a dodging-things pro!
Unfortunately, she was trying to dodge a witch.
After Trixie had weaved her way past a dozen or so spells, Lorelai decided that she’d had enough. The witch took her wand and spun it in the opposite direction, forcing all the spells that had zipped past Trixie to stop in their tracks and spin around. They flew towards the girl from behind, zooming through the trees at an unnatural speed like the UFOs from those creepy documentaries Trixie wasn’t allowed to watch but absolutely did anyways. Her sixth sense prickled the hair on the back of her neck as they narrowed in on her, but it was too late!
BAM!
The spell beaned her right in the face and Trixie was gone. Molly was the only one left.
“No!”
Lorelai leveled her wand at her little sister. It jingled pleasantly like a set of car keys, but the far end burned hot with fierce, white magic.
“Well? What’s it gonna be?” Molly wilted. She lowered her hands and the epithet glow surrounding them disappeared. “That’s what I thought.”
“. . . Please don’t shoot me in the face,” she sighed.
Lorelai gave a little grunt and nodded. The wand sparkled and then fired, blasting Molly on the toe of her bright yellow rain boot. The younger sister disappeared in a puff of stars.
* * *
The force of the magic was strong enough to send Molly somersaulting across the floor of the toy store, rolling straight into the arms of the giant teddy bear her father had knocked off its shelf. She spat out a mouthful of sparkles.
“Pflegh. . . . Ow.”
“Molly!” Feenie exclaimed. “Are you alright?”
“No,” she frowned.
“Could I offer you some help and also a friend?” Rick asked, extending his hand and grinning.
“No,” she frowned, louder this time. Molly stood herself up and looked around. Then she gasped, horrified. She was expecting Lorelai’s dream bubble to be floating behind the counter like before, but that wasn’t the case at all.
There was a new bubble in the store, and this one was massive. Almost half the size of the building! It took up the entire back half of the room, clipping straight through the shelves like a broken object in a video game. Molly whimpered and pulled at her hair. What the heck!?! Lori wasn’t allowed to block traffic in the store! It freaked out the customers! They had TALKED about this! Aaaagh!
“Hehe, whoa!” snorted a new voice from the front door. “That big bubble thing spat out another one! Hehe. Weird.” Molly turned to see one of her non-Neo Trio classmates standing in the shop’s entryway with one foot on a dinged-up metal scooter.
“Oh . . .” Molly sighed. “Hi Stink.”
Stink (which was his real, actual name) wore a bright red shirt with the word STINK! written on it in all caps, just in case you forgot. He was a real booger of a kid. Certified class buttmunch with messy black hair and a permanent sneer plastered across his stupid little face. He wasn’t quite to the age where he needed to shower every day yet, but man oh man you could just tell that this kid wasn’t going to.
“Did you want to buy something?” Molly asked with a weary smile that could clearly use some coffee.
“Yeah, well, I was thinkin’ that I might swing by and pick up the new Dr. Grossenheimer’s Goo Factory set. It lets you make bugs out of goo so you can throw them at and/or eat them in front of girls to freak ‘em out! But . . . I dunno if I feel like buying from a store with a weird bubble in the middle of it! I’ll be taking my hard-earned allowance elsewhere!” He flipped his scooter around in an attempt to look cool but messed up and slammed it right into his ankle. He didn’t even flinch.
“Impressed?” his cockroach face twisted into a grin, “Yeah, I’ve been banged up by my scooter so many times that my ankle is like 90% callus at this point. I don’t even feel it anymore! No biggie. Later squeebs!” He lifted his leg and blew a little raspberry to make it look like he farted, then scooted off into the street.
