Good dogs, p.19
The Lies We Tell, page 19
‘I have to.’
But my husband still wasn’t picking up his phone.
‘He’ll be mad when he finds out.’
‘No he won’t. I’ll explain it to him.’
I reached for Freddie’s hand but he pushed me away. ‘I’m not a kid any more.’
‘Then don’t act like one.’
‘I needed to get outside.’
I knew exactly what he meant.
‘Tell you what,’ I said. ‘How about if we get you a dog. Would you do what you’re told then?’
‘Yes!’ Freddie actually clapped his hands. I hadn’t seen him so excited since he was a little boy. ‘Of course. When can we get one? Can I walk him on my own? Can he sleep on my bed?’
What had I done? Tom would go nuts. But he wasn’t here, was he? He wasn’t the one who had to roam the park at night, looking for our son as I’d just done. He was never around when I had to sort out issues at school or persuade Freddie to do his homework. He was always at work.
‘We’ll see.’
The sitter was still at the house, but there was still no sign of my husband. Maybe he wasn’t in the office at all. Perhaps he was with Hugo in some bar, the pair of them moaning about their wives.
‘You’ve got him,’ the sitter said, clearly relieved that her own skin was saved. ‘Why did you go out like that without telling me, Freddie?’
My son shrugged. ‘You were asleep.’
She flushed. ‘I wasn’t!’
‘Yes you were. You’d nodded off on the sofa.’
I was too angry to even engage in this conversation. I wanted this woman gone from my house. ‘Get out!’ I said.
She looked cross. ‘I need my money.’
I rounded on her. ‘I’ll drop it off later, even though I could have you for negligence for not checking on him. Leave, will you?’
‘Cool, Mum,’ said Freddie, as she slammed her way out of the house.
‘As for you,’ I said. ‘You’re never to do that again. Do you understand?’
Glowering, he stomped up the stairs.
Then I tried Tom again. He still wasn’t picking up. ‘Please leave a message after the –.’
Sod that. He’d see all the missed calls anyway. Surely he would know something was up.
But then I saw Zac had texted:
Great to see you again. Fancy catching up for a drink?
I deleted Zac’s message and had a shower. I still got pleasure from knowing that the water would be hot every time. It soothed me. Cleansed me. Then I slipped into bed between the crisp sheets, curled up like a baby in my nakedness. But it was too cold, so I slipped on one of Tom’s newly washed flannel tennis shirts – the nearest piece of clothing to hand.
Some time later I was aware of being shaken awake. ‘Sarah! Is Freddie back?’
Tom. At last!
‘He’s in his room,’ I mumbled sleepily.
‘What happened?’
I eased myself up on my elbows. ‘I found him in the park with some homeless people.’
‘What?’
‘He’s all right. Why didn’t you answer your phone? Where were you?’
‘I went for a long walk.’
‘At this time? Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘You seemed busy with your arty friends.’
‘That’s right. Turn it round on me.’
I was awake now, even though my clock showed it was 3 a.m. ‘I’ve had enough of this. You need to be around more. Then Freddie will have a male role model.’
Something gave in his face. ‘I’ll try. But my work …’
‘Your work is not more important than our child. There’s something else too. We’re getting a dog. Don’t say no because I’ve decided. Freddie’s been asking for one for ages.’
He shook his head. ‘Then you’ll be rewarding him for bad behaviour.’
‘It will teach him responsibility. Anyway, there’s been another burglary in the street and a dog will be good security.’
Tom looked as though he was going to argue, but instead he sighed. ‘All right.’
‘You know,’ I said, ‘seeing Freddie on a bench with that homeless guy terrified me. Kids suffer when their parents break up. Both you and I had horrific childhoods in our different ways. Do we really want to repeat that pattern?’
‘No.’ He spoke slowly as though the thought had only just occurred to him. ‘You’re right.’ Then he took in what I was wearing. ‘You’ve got my tennis shirt on.’
‘I was cold.’
He frowned. ‘I’ll have to wash it again now. It will be all sweaty.’
That was so typical of Tom. Our son had gone missing and now he was back, all my husband was worried about was what he saw as ‘imperfection’. I got out of bed.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked.
I pulled off his stupid shirt and threw it at him. ‘To sleep on the sofa.’
He shrugged. ‘If that’s what you want.’
My mobile rang as I’d almost drifted off to sleep. For a moment, I thought it was Tom from upstairs, apologizing. But it was Olivia.
‘Are you alone?’ she whispered.
‘Yes. What’s wrong?’
‘Hugo and I had a massive row before setting off for your exhibition.’
‘What about?’
‘He found a message on my phone.’
‘From me?’
Olivia and I were always sending each other messages. Sometimes they were moans about our respective husbands. Hugo wouldn’t like that.
‘No.’ She gave a small laugh. ‘From this … well, this colleague of mine at work.’
A sinking feeling went through me. ‘Do you want to tell me more?’
‘I would have told you before. Honestly. But it took me by surprise. And I wanted to make sure it was serious first. We worked together before I married Hugo and … and we hit it off all over again. Before you ask, he’s not married. Well, not any more.’
‘But you are.’
‘I know. And that’s it. You understand what it’s like being married to Hugo. I’ve told you enough times. You feel the same about Tom.’
‘But we’ve always agreed that we’d stay in our marriages for the sake of the children.’
‘Yes, but life doesn’t go on for ever, does it? And it’s bad for the girls to see Hugo and me arguing all the time. Look, I can’t be long. I’ve had to go into the bathroom to make this call. The thing is, I need you to tell Hugo I was with you last Wednesday evening. Can you do that?’
‘OK,’ I said slowly. Wednesday evenings were when Tom always had a late work meeting. If it came up, I’d simply say that Olivia had come over to our house. He’d be none the wiser.
‘Thank you. You’re great.’ Olivia sounded dreamy. ‘It’s so lovely to have a man who thinks I’m attractive. Someone who understands me.’
‘Olivia,’ I said, ‘have you thought this through? What about the girls?’
‘I’d never leave them,’ she said. ‘If I went, they’d come too. Alex knows that.’
Alex. So that was his name.
‘It sounds as though you’ve got it all planned.’
‘I need to think ahead, don’t I? Got to go. Thanks so much. I owe you.’
We’re back in court after our break. The barrister is shuffling his papers. The judge is taking a sip of water. The jurors are looking self-important.
More evidence is being given.
‘This young man has proved time and time again that he is incapable of following decent rules. He has committed several offences, including the theft of valuable jewellery and money.’
I’m not sure I can hear much more. But I have to.
Freddie’s life – and mine – depend on this.
29
Tom
If it wasn’t for my guilt over Hilary – not to mention my absence when Freddie had gone missing – I’d have made more of a stand over the dog.
‘In my day,’ I pointed out to Sarah, as we drove along a country lane, with Freddie sitting in the back, ‘we punished children for doing wrong. Not rewarded them.’
We were on our way to a farm in Essex. Against my advice, my wife had found an animal refuge. If we had to get a dog, I’d rather it came from a breeder. But apparently a farmer had taken in a pregnant Labrador that had given birth to five puppies and wasn’t able to keep them.
‘We’ve been through this before,’ she said quietly. ‘Don’t go on about it.’
I glanced in the mirror. ‘Freddie’s nodded off. He can’t hear us.’
It amazed me that teenagers could sleep so much. We wouldn’t have been allowed to.
‘I’m not asleep,’ said a voice in the back. ‘I’m just pretending to be so I don’t have to talk to you two.’
‘Freddie,’ said Sarah, ‘that’s rude. Now come on. We’re almost there. Let’s think of a name, shall we?’ She had put on her smiley everything’s-all-right voice. ‘There are four black puppies and a chocolate one, apparently.’
‘Bonzo?’ I suggested.
‘That’s so boring, Dad.’
‘Thanks.’
I couldn’t help feeling really hurt. Why could I never say anything right to my son?
But the glow on Freddie’s face as this little chocolate Labrador walked towards us shakily was almost worth it. It reminded me of when he was small, back when things were better.
‘He’s perfect,’ he whispered. ‘May I pick him up?’
The volunteer nodded. I watched my son hold the dog to his nose. ‘He smells right,’ he breathed.
Sarah gave me a look. ‘See,’ it said. ‘All we needed to do was find him something to love.’
‘You’d have to be responsible for him,’ she said. ‘You’ll be in charge of walking him when you’re back from school.’
‘I will,’ said Freddie. ‘I will.’
‘What do you think, Tom?’ asked Sarah.
I shrugged. ‘It’s up to you two,’ I said.
Part of me wanted to hold this little puppy too. But I couldn’t. Everything I loved seemed to turn against me.
Sarah and I had drifted so far apart. And that, I reminded myself as I thought of Hilary, was partly my fault. Still, at least I’d had the courage to break that off. I hoped Sarah was telling me the truth about Zac. I’d noticed she kept getting texts that she deleted before I could see them.
‘Well, I think he’s wonderful,’ said Sarah.
‘Jasper,’ said our son suddenly. ‘That’s what I want to call him.’
‘Jasper?’
One of those new-fangled names!
‘It’s the name of the singer in a band I like.’
‘I see.’
On the way home, I glanced in the mirror. Jasper was sitting on our son’s lap. He was looking down on the puppy with a rapt expression on his face.
I glanced across at Sarah. There was an almost identical smile on her face too. Another reminder, as if I needed it, of how similar my wife and son were. ‘Sweet, isn’t he?’ she said. ‘It will be the making of Freddie. I know it.’
Then her phone pinged. She glanced at it.
‘Who’s that?’ I asked.
‘No one,’ she said.
‘Really?’
‘Look at it, then.’ She thrust the screen in front of me, even though I was driving.
‘Happy now?’ she asked quietly. ‘Just a spam message.’
‘Don’t argue,’ said Freddie’s voice from the back.
‘We’re not,’ we both said.
I drove on.
But I couldn’t get Hilary’s sentence out of my head. ‘You married the wrong woman.’
30
Sarah
I rang Olivia back as soon as I could. I had to pretend I needed to drive to the pet shop for more dog food so I could have some privacy. That ‘Ring me urgently’ text of hers that had come through in the car had worried me. Thankfully, I’d managed to show Tom an old spam message I hadn’t got round to deleting.
I’d learned a bit more about Alex since Olivia had asked me to cover for her. She’d also asked me to do the same a few more times; twice overnight, when Hugo had been away at conferences. I hoped that he didn’t mention it to Tom when he came back.
‘He makes me laugh,’ she said, her eyes shining, when she came to collect the girls after the last occasion a week ago.
We’d spoken quietly in the kitchen while the kids were watching television. She’d had her lovely long strawberry-blonde hair done, I noticed. It was a bit shorter now at the back, tapering down at the front. The style suited her.
‘I feel like a real person with Alex. He wants me to leave Hugo and live with him instead.’
‘But what about the girls?’
‘He’s always wanted children of his own. His wife wasn’t a family person.’
‘But they’re not his own,’ I tried pointing out.
She’d given me a baleful look. ‘I thought you’d understand, Sarah.’
‘I do. I just don’t want to see anyone hurt.’
‘But we’re hurt already. Don’t you see that? Wouldn’t you be tempted if someone came along and offered you love?’
‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But I know what it’s like to come from a family that’s been broken.’
‘Your mother died,’ she said.
‘Exactly. And divorce is a type of bereavement too. I couldn’t let Freddie suffer.’
‘I see.’ Her voice was cold. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’
I reached out for her. ‘I’m not saying I disapprove. I’m worried for you all.’
‘I know.’ She gave me a quick squeeze back. ‘But it was you who inspired me.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Remember how you stayed here after Freddie was born?’
‘How could I forget? You were my lifesaver.’
She gave me a hug. ‘And you showed me some things too. I loved having a baby in the house. I was jealous of you, to be honest. But Hugo hated the crying at night and the disruption. I realized he couldn’t cope with a third, and that made me turn away from him even more. Then when I saw how you were so unhappy, trying to keep the balance between Freddie and Tom, I realized life was too short to keep struggling when a relationship is obviously failing.’
So it was my fault. Or partly. That made me feel even worse.
‘You won’t tell Tom or Hugo, will you?’ she asked.
‘Of course not.’
I didn’t like the deceit, but I owed Olivia.
‘Thanks. You’re a good friend.’
And now there’s this ‘Ring me urgently’ text.
She picked up immediately. ‘We’ve left,’ she said. Her voice was breathy and excited and scared, all at the same time.
‘What?’
‘The girls and I. We’ve moved to Alex’s place.’
I was still trying to take this in. ‘Does Hugo know?’
‘I’ve said I’m with a friend. He’ll ask you things. You promise not to say, won’t you?’
‘Of course I won’t. But Olivia, you need to tell him.’
‘I will, soon. Just leave it for me to do in my own time.’
‘OK.’ I felt awkward about it, but what could I do?
Then it dawned on me. ‘This all seems to have happened so quickly, Olivia …’
‘Not really.’
‘You started seeing him earlier than you said, didn’t you?’
‘I told you, Sarah. We worked together for years, before I even married Hugo.’
That wasn’t my question and she knew it.
‘This is the right thing to do, Sarah. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.’
‘But what about the girls?’
‘They can see their father whenever they want. They’re almost grown up now. Soon they’ll both be at university.’
I thought of how lonely I’d felt at eighteen. ‘Children need parents, however old they are.’
‘So, are you and Tom really going to be miserable until the end of your lives because you don’t want to upset a middle-aged Freddie?’
I hesitated. I’d always thought that if parents were going to split up, it was best to wait until their children had left school. But now I wasn’t so sure. Children didn’t suddenly become responsible adults at some magical, predefined age. They needed stability for as long as possible.
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘It would need something big to happen before I did that.’
‘And being unhappy isn’t big?’
‘I don’t want to be selfish.’
Her voice changed.
‘Is that what you think I am?’
‘No.’
She didn’t believe me. I didn’t believe myself either.
‘What about Hugo?’ I asked.
‘Hah! Now there’s someone who really is selfish and only concerned about himself. Look what he did to that poor man from their school.’
‘Yes, but he was young. And those terrible things that were done to them were far worse …’
‘It isn’t that on its own, Sarah. It’s everything. I couldn’t take it any more. Look, I wanted to tell you because you were such a good friend. I’ll be in touch.’
And she put the phone down.
Were such a good friend, she’d said. Not are.
Perhaps she was calling to make sure I wasn’t going to blab. Perhaps our friendship wasn’t what I had thought at all.
But Olivia had shown me something. I couldn’t break up my little family in the same way my friend had shattered hers.
Somehow, Freddie, Tom and I had to find a way forward.
31
Tom
If only I’d known that this was to be the last of our happy times. The last before Freddie changed for good.
He got up early before school every day to take Jasper for a walk and he did the same when he got back. He was politer to us both.
‘It’s teaching him some responsibility,’ Sarah said.
My wife was being much friendlier now, too. She listened more attentively when I talked to her about work. She sat down with me to eat when I came back from the office, however late, instead of having her meals earlier. She made me apple crumble on several occasions – my favourite pudding. And she watched television with me instead of drawing. This made me feel even guiltier about Hilary. Well, that was over now. True to her word, Hilary hadn’t tried to contact me once.
