* * *

  When I get home, Mom puts me to work. She has done a grocery run, and the food needs to be put away.

  I sigh and Wendy pokes me in the stomach. I yelp and stare at her smug face. “Hey. We’ve got work to do, dude,” she says. She shoves the heaviest bag at me and I nearly fall over. “You’re a guy, so it’s your job to be strong and put away the rice.”

  I grit my teeth and try not to yell. I do retort while running for the sink, “But you’re stronger. You play sports! And are actually athletic! Why are you picking on me?!” My arms burn as I lug the twenty-pound bag of rice and shove it under the sink. I glare at Wendy. “You’re an asshole.”

  She guffaws and sticks her tongue out at me. “Hey, I’m not the one born with dangly bits. I’m just a weak, innocent girl who will faint if the wind blows the wrong way.”

  I see red. But I manage to rein it in by chewing on the inside of my cheek. I grab a bag of produce and begin throwing vegetables into the fridge.

  Wendy keeps bothering me like every annoying sister ever. “Hey, I’m talking to you! Earth to Logan! Hey! Captain America sucks!”

  “Wendy,” Dad says from out of nowhere. “Stop pestering your brother and help me put the paper towels and toilet paper in the pantry.” My shoulders sag in relief. I was seconds away from snapping.

  “Thanks, Dad,” I say as I grab another bag off the counter. I’ve been avoiding him recently. It’s been pretty easy since he’s busy working on becoming vice principal at his school.

  “No problem, son. We guys need to stick together sometimes.” He helps me put away the last of the groceries in the right cupboards. Mom would kill us if we put them in the wrong place.

  “How’s school going, big man?” Dad asks casually.

  “Okay. My friends are good. I think I’m doing well in classes. We’re really busy preparing for the midterm concert. And then it’s the winter concert and the musical next semester.” I don’t meet his eyes, pretending to scour the kitchen for any bags of groceries left to put away. I’m not going to tell him anything personal. It’d give him something to talk to me about. And I don’t want him to ask me things I don’t want to answer. Like about girlfriends.

  “That’s good,” he says. I can tell he wants to say something. But in my gut, I know it would be something I don’t want to hear.

  “We done here?” I ask, looking him in the eye calmly.“ I’ve got a lot of work to finish tonight.”

  Dad nods and I leave the kitchen. On the way out, I see Mom staring at a piece of paper with a frown on her face. Over her shoulder, I read, “Congratulations to Evan Johnson for completing his residency. We welcome him as the newest doctor on staff.”

  I remember that Mom once said she was a doctor in China before she met Dad. I’m sure that the new doctor doesn’t have as much experience as my mom. Is this what racism looks like? I take another glance at my mom’s face and slip away.

  I make my way up to my attic room and jump on my bed, groaning. School is still pretty awkward. But coming home actually helps a little for once. Everything is still normal here. It’s not awkward. At least, not the kind of awkward I don’t know how to deal with.

  I am just settling in when my phone dings with a text message.

  Jennifer: OMG! I met a cute girl! :$ She’s from our school, Korean, and definitely queer. We met in the girl’s bathroom and she complimented my leather jacket and lipstick. And we got talking. She’s a comic book nerd. I can’t believe she’s so awesome!!!

  Logan: wait. is her name Jin-Seon?

  Jennifer: Yes!!! How do you know her?

  Logan: she’s in my visual arts class. she’s the only person I talk to there

  Jennifer: OMFG!!! :$ I can’t believe how small a world this is.

  Logan: so you two been on a date yet?

  Jennifer: Soon!!!! We’re texting right now.

  Jennifer and I go on to chat about everything and nothing. Her love life and comics. I am about to start on some homework when I get another ping on my phone. This time from Robin.

  Robin: my anniversary with Micah is coming up soon. I was thinking of doing a flash mob and wanted all of you involved! Just dont know where to do it >.< ??

  Logan: kyle said there was an all ages dance at buddies in bad times coming up?

  Robin: omg thats perfect!! (-O_O-) im contacting Drew and Kyle now and see if theyre free. Ill keep you in the loop about meeting to practise the flash mob. I wanna do Lady Gagas Edge of Glory!!! =^.^=

  11 Best Song Ever

  We get together after school to practise the flash mob on the days that Micah has Greenpeace meetings and Kyle doesn’t have swim practice. We meet at a park near where Robin lives just off Sherbourne Street. Robin mentions his mom is busy working as an emergency nurse at St. Mike’s and so he usually takes care of his four sisters.

  “How do you manage it?” Drew asks in awe. “School, choir, a boyfriend, and taking care of four girls?”

  “By being a pro scheduler,” Robin replies. “It’s the only good thing I learned from the soul sucker, which is what I call the psychologist that tried to get rid of my autism. Micah helps. And I hide in my mom’s room if she’s not sleeping in it and let my oldest sister Felicia deal with the other three for a couple hours.”

  Practice feels a little weird without Micah. Robin is a little wilder and talks even more than usual. I can’t keep up with everything he is saying. He gestures wildly at us, trying to explain how he wants a lot of jazz hands. Not even Drew can keep up, and he’s the most extroverted of us after Robin.

  Kyle nudges me. “Hey, Logan. Haven’t chatted to you much recently. How’re you holding up?”

  “Pretty good right now,” I say. “Even though I hate choir, I really like Voice class. Ms. Brown showed me how to relax the soft palate in my mouth enough to belt out the C above middle C.”

  Kyle splutters and shakes his head. “I can barely hit the G above middle C. You’re really something, you know?”

  I blush. I’m thankful when Robin frantically drags us into formation to do another run through of “Edge of Glory.”

  * * *

  Before I know it, it’s the day of the all-ages dance at Buddies in Bad Times. I tell my parents that I have a thing with the guys and that I’ll be home by midnight. They seem pretty happy I am hanging out with a bunch of guys. I haven’t had friends since puberty, when I began noticing boys and the bullying ramped up.

  All of us, including Micah, are in Robin’s room changing into club clothes. I’m wearing Hot Topic skinny jeans and a Lady Gaga T-shirt I’ve borrowed from Robin. As we change, the first thing I notice is that Kyle has serious abs. Robin starts cackling. “We’re in the locker room, gays. Yassss homo. All the homo! All of it!”

  Everyone laughs and I feel my face go red. Looking out of the corner of my eyes, I see that Kyle’s cheeks are pinked, too. What? I look away and glare at Robin. As he takes off his shirt, I notice that he’s wearing this black half undershirt-like thing. It looks really tight. Suddenly, all thoughts of Kyle blow out of my mind. “What’s that you’re wearing on your chest?” I ask.

  Robin looks down at his chest and then back up at me. “It’s called a binder. It’s designed to keep your chest looking flat.” He gives me a meaningful look.

  Then it hits me. “Wow, I didn’t realize that you were trans. That’s cool.” I try to play it casual. I think about how I would want someone to react and I don’t want to be shitty.

  Robin says firmly, “Yeah. I’m only going to say this once. I’m still a guy. I like wearing makeup and looking fabulous. And that means sometimes I wear my old clothes.” As Micah gazes at him, looking love-struck, Robin gives the rest of us a hard look. “I’m still the same guy you always knew.” He looks at me and smirks enigmatically. “And if you ever want to talk about how I knew I was a boy, just ask. I love being the centre of attention and helping caterpillars become beautiful butterflies.” I’m confused. Why is he telling me about caterpillars and butterflies?

  At last, we are ready to walk to Buddies. We are lucky it’s warm for late October and can wear summer clothes for the dance. Robin and Micah show off their midriffs under neon crop tops. Drew is dressed like a raver in baggy pants and a black tank top with bright green highlights that bring out the blue of his eyes. Kyle has on a mesh shirt that shows off his biceps and abs. After seeing him, I can’t take my eyes off him to see anything else.

  “We should get moving, yeah?” Kyle says, interrupting my ogling. “We may be walking over, but I want to make sure we’re on time.”

  I quickly look away. I know I’m likely blushing. Robin cackles but says nothing.

  We line up outside the club, waiting for Robin’s signal. Music suddenly starts playing from somewhere in the line of people. Robin begins singing the first line of “Edge of Glory.”

  Kyle pulls out a sign we conveniently left there. It reads, “Happy Anniversary, Micah.” Kyle, Drew, and I gather behind Robin, backing him up. I have zero dance skills, so it’s a good thing none of us are dancing. But Robin takes up the whole impromptu stage, whirling around like a cyclone. Everyone in line (and the bouncer) has their eyes on Robin.

  The song ends with Robin holding his arm out for Micah to take his hand. And as the last notes of the song fade away, Micah pulls himself against Robin. Micah’s eyes are watery.

  Robin is crying, too, but he’s able to recover a lot faster. He holds Micah at arm’s length and looks up at the taller boy. “You mean the world to me, Micah,” Robin says. “Your gangly limbs, curly hair, and sexy rocker singing voice. How you translate human social interactions for me. How you accepted me as a weirdo boy without hesitation. You’ve been with me through thick and thin. I wouldn’t be the man I’m becoming if it wasn’t for you. You’re mine as much as I’m yours.”

  Silent tears run down Micah’s face. Now that Robin is done speaking, Micah pounces on him, bawling about how much he loves Robin and what an amazing boyfriend he is.

  Drew starts cheering for them as they kiss. Everyone starts clapping and cheering for Micah and Robin. I feel like I’m watching fan fiction in real life. While I’m dying over how adorable they are, I feel a twinge of envy for what they have.

  A familiar girl suddenly pops up beside Kyle. She kisses him on the cheek. “I filmed everything, senpai,” Stephanie says. “I’ve already emailed it to Robin.”

  Kyle turns to all of us with an arm wrapped around the girl’s hips. “Hey, folks,” he says to us. “I want to introduce you all to my girlfriend, Stephanie.”

  I feel a little nauseous, but refuse to let anything show on my face. Robin and Micah are too busy being in love to notice anything. Good thing, because they would have noticed something was wrong right away. Stephanie is everything I’m not. She’s a soprano, a soloist, pretty, white, and a lot less awkward than I am. She really is a Disney princess! She waves at us, smiling her perfect smile.

  We all get back in line to get into the dance. While waiting, I text Jennifer, asking if she’s coming. She responds pretty quickly, saying that she is actually on a date with Jin-Seon. But she says she’ll be around later to check in if I need her to. I know I would feel better with her there. But I tell her to enjoy her date and that we can talk later.

  12 Broke Inside

  Kyle tells me that Buddies is a theatre that does queer and trans shows, plays, musicals, and some community programming. His dads have been taking him to shows here since he was a little kid. In the lobby, I take down their info on my phone to look at later.

  Once we are all stamped, we follow the thump of bass to a pretty big room. On the stage a short-haired brown woman is DJing and grooving to the music. It isn’t packed, but there is definitely a good crowd going. It’s a sea of Bieber haircuts, fantasy hair colours, fauxhawks, undercuts, feathery curls, and fancy ’dos that I don’t know the name of. Robin and Micah prance to the dance floor hand-in-hand in their own little world. Kyle waves at me and disappears with Stephanie up the staircase in the middle of the dance floor to the balcony. I’m left with Drew.

  Drew smiles at me. He offers his hand to dance. I shake my head. I really don’t dance. Like, at all. He shrugs and disappears into the sea of bodies.

  I make my way to the bar and order juice from the bartender. Then I turn around to study the crowd. I’m amazed to see so many people who look really queer. And there’s more racial diversity than at Rosedale. I can hear Jennifer’s voice in my head complaining about the lack of spicy food in the school cafeteria.

  “What’s so funny?” A voice breaks into my people watching. I turn toward it and see a guy that looks maybe a couple years older than I am. He’s pretty cute. He has brown hair with the sides shaved in a very queer undercut and big brown eyes. His lip and one eyebrow are pierced, and he has multiple piercings along his ears.

  “I was just thinking of something funny a friend said,” I answer. “It’s an inside joke, though.” The guy catches me checking him out and steps closer into my personal space.

  “You’re cute,” he says as he moves in close. “In an exotic way. Do you wanna dance?”

  I back away by instinct. He is literally too close for comfort.

  The bartender breaks in. “Hey, back up. Can’t you see the kid is uncomfortable?” I turn to see her standing with two well-muscled arms crossed in front of her. Her fluffy, silver hair is shaved and shaped into a frohawk. I’m glad she’s looking out for me.

  The guy backs off, putting his hands up as a peace offering. “Sorry!” he says to the bartender. “I didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable.” Again, he holds out his hand to me. With that same confident smile he asks again. “Would you like to dance with me?”

  I look at his hand and frown. “I don’t dance, sorry. But we can hang out?” I’ve never had a guy interested in me before. This is a good thing, right? This guy is hitting on me. That means I’m not ugly for being an effeminate Asian stereotype . . . right?

  The guy retracts his hand and asks, “Do you want to go somewhere quieter?”

  I nod to him and we make our way out of the room. Instantly, the air is cooler and just a little quieter. We find padded benches downstairs and sit next to each other. The guy, whose name I don’t even know, sits pretty close to me. But he doesn’t get as close as he was when the bartender told him off.

  “Sorry again,” he says. “I just thought you might be into me. You’re really pretty. You’re part Asian, right?”

  I nod. “Yeah. My mom is Chinese. Um. You’re cute, too.”

  The guy smiles widely. “Thanks. I love how smooth your skin is. Like porcelain. And your features are elfin. It’s so alluring to me.”

  I smile back awkwardly. What he says is making me uncomfortable, but I can’t say exactly why. Maybe it’s the way he’s saying it. “I like your eyes.”

  “Mmmm. Think you might be up for some fooling around?”

  I’m about to answer that I don’t really want to. Then Kyle comes stumbling out of one of the bathrooms with Stephanie hanging off him. I notice his fly is undone. Both of them have their hair all messy and they are giggling. They walk right past me and this guy, so wrapped up with each other they don’t even see us. As they hurry up the stairs, I feel my heart breaking.

  I know that they are together. And I know I’m silly for crushing on Kyle. But it still hurts to see it. My eyesight blurs a little and I quickly wipe my eyes with the bottom of my T-shirt. (Well, Robin’s T-shirt.) I’m gay and don’t have unlimited choice in who I can date. I’m lucky to be in Toronto where I can find places like this. But seeing Kyle with Stephanie reminds me how most of the world is straight and I . . . I’m not. It doesn’t help that I’m still not sure if Kyle is bi or straight or what’s going on there. On top of all that, I don’t even look like the other gay boys around me. I’m not white. I’m not masculine or flamboyant. And I don’t want to be.

  The guy sitting beside me watches Kyle and Stephanie leave. “Looks like you know the guy,” he observes. “Or the girl. And that you have a crush on them. Sucks to see your crush with someone else, yeah? You know, I could help you forget them.” His voice drops into a huskier tone with the last few words.

  I look at him and am reminded that I don’t even know this guy’s name. But I need something to make this hurt go away. At least this guy finds me sexy. He said so. Without even thinking about it, I lean over and catch the guy’s lips in a rushed kiss. My first.

  The guy exhales in surprise, but is soon kissing me. It feels like we are mashing our mouths together. I don’t feel any fireworks or chills. Is this what it’s supposed to be like? The guy presses me against the wall behind where we’re sitting and I feel my hair caught under the hand that cups my face. I feel a little smothered pressed against the wall and into the seat below me. But it’s better than feeling broken.

  And then he’s touching me. Between the legs.

  I abruptly break the kiss. I push him away.

  “C’mon!” the guy says. “Let me show you a good time. A little sucky sucky.” He has a smirk on his face.

  I feel sick to my stomach. This feels so wrong!

  I shake my head, but he’s on me again, touching me. “I want you on your knees for me. Isn’t that what your kind wants? To serve a real man? A white man?”

  I feel like I’m drowning. What happens next is a blur. One moment his mouth is on my neck trying to leave a hickey. The next he’s hopping up and down clutching his shins. He’s gritting his teeth and swearing in pain.

 

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