Locked in, p.6
Locked In, page 6
She beams me one of her beautiful smiles and starts me on my daily routine of washing, feeding, changing, sitting up, turning and exercise.
It’s a couple of months now since my smiling performance revealed to them that I could see and hear. Lots of charts have been filled in and regimes changed in that time without further signs of improvement.
The adrenaline boost caused by the excitement and hope has faded and I find myself beginning not to care; this I know is a bad sign. For weeks I’ve tried with every waking hour to move some part of me, but even my bloody bladder has refused to respond to their regime of clamping off the catheter.
Today the Big Man, Mr Dwyer, will come to discuss my progress – only there isn’t any to discuss, so he and Sister and whatever retinue he brings along will smile at me and tell me not to worry, these things take time. The problem with time is the longer it takes the chances of recovery get less and less.
“Good morning, Annie.” It’s Sister. “Mr Dwyer won’t be along this morning: he has some important consultant from the States visiting on his ward today, so his usual schedule is out the window.” And on she talks.
All of a sudden I come to life. Anger seethes through my body. Why should I be put on hold just because some big shot from the States is here? I should be more important than this. I’m shouting now, my heart is pounding. You can’t treat me like this. Just because I can’t make a fuss you think you can ignore me when I don’t fit into your schedule. Well, fuck the lot of you, and on I swear and rant and rave.
Strange my throat hurts as if I have really been shouting.
“Oh Annie, you terror! Who are you swearing at?”
Alice is beaming at me, she knows I was swearing. That means I was really shouting.
“Annie, take your time and see if you can say something more. Even another swear word will do.”
I’m shaking so much inside I’m almost scared to try. I try saying my name.
“It’s not as clear as your cursing, Annie, but you’re making sounds, I’ll let Sister know.”
Suddenly there’s a warmth coursing through me: I’m on the move again. I’m propped in my chair taking in as much of the scenery as I can and describing to myself what I see. I think I’m saying it out loud, but I won’t know for certain until Alice or someone comes and lets me know.
“Well, Mrs Anderson, I hear you’ve been causing a bit of a stir. Sounds like your anger got things going again, I wonder who caused it this time.”
It’s the man himself: so I’ve made him stick to his schedule after all. I can’t help but smile to myself.
“This,” he says, turning to the chap standing next to him, “is Mr Leaman. He’s paying us a visit from the United States. I asked him to come and give me an opinion on some cases, yours being one of them.”
I could feel myself blushing with embarrassment. This was one sensation I prayed wasn’t working on the outside.
Mr Leaman moved into my line of vision. He was striking to look at: a hint of grey in his otherwise black hair, skin evenly bronzed. He lifted my hand and shook it warmly.
“Mr Dwyer has had a long chat with me about your case, Mrs Anderson. I haven’t had time to go over all of your notes yet, but when I do, we’ll have a meeting and discuss what I find. The one thing I can say to you at this point is that your prognosis looks good. I’d like to hear you speak: any sound at all will do.”
His voice is deep and rich, he speaks with a slow Southern drawl.
I smile, but that’s all I do. Nothing else works. Here’s this man come all the way from America to help and all I can do is smile. Oh damn you, Annie, do something, I curse to myself, my anger rising again.
“Good, there seems to be no problem with your speech centre apart from the fact you appear to need to get angry to get things moving.”
My God, which part did I say out loud? I’ll bet it was the swearing again!
Mr Dwyer and Mr Leaman leave assuring me they will be back tomorrow, once they have discussed my case and decided how to proceed.
Alice is sitting on the side of my bed. She picks up my hand. “Did you hear what he said, Annie?”
I look at her wondering which part she’s referring to.
“It’s true, Annie. Each time you’ve had a response you’ve either been scared or angry. Well, I don’t want to scare you and I don’t know what would make you angry, so it’s got to be up to you . Try getting angry with us for not doing things the way you want, or when you want them done. Anything at all that will get you going, Annie, is worth a try. I’d better get you tidied up as you have a visitor waiting.”
I look enquiringly at her.
“It’s your brother,” she says as she opens my curtains.
My brother. I wasn’t expecting him again yet. He came as soon as he was told of my being able to hear and see and has been a regular weekly visitor since. It’s only been two days since he was here, so I wonder what’s brought him all this way again.
George – that’s my brother’s name – comes and sits in the chair next to me. He looks serious, but then he always does. He’s put on quite a bit of weight and, not being very tall, it shows. It was always a bone of contention with him that I was taller. It wasn’t my fault, I would much rather have been shorter. He has curly hair like me but his is now a silver colour. He smiles at me and says “I’ve brought you a book on tape and a small player which Maggie” – that’s his wife – “said you would need to listen to it. It’s a detective novel, the type you used to like.”
I’m really touched. I had no idea he knew what I liked to read. I smile at him, wishing I could express more how much I appreciate it.
“I suppose you’re wondering why I’m back so soon.” He moves about on his chair and gives a nervous cough. “I had a visit from the police yesterday. I was quite worried at first when they arrived, I thought something had happened to you.”
But obviously it has something to do with me or you wouldn’t be here. I wish I could talk and hurry you along, George.
“I’m sure you know that the hospital got in touch with the police to try and trace Robert” – he always gave Rob his full name, although no one else did. “It seems that in trying to locate him the police have found out that he’s vanished without trace. His bank account’s been untouched since he left you. The only transactions that took place were through his lawyers, who were instructed to pay all outstanding bills and transfer the money you received when he left. It would appear all his dealings with the lawyers were done by letter. The police say he has never renewed his passport. His office was informed he was leaving by letter, again through his lawyers, but he left no forwarding address which is very unusual. The police think there’s something suspicious about it all so they’re going to investigate. I told them that you wouldn’t be able to help them right now. They want to know what happened to all his belongings which were at your flat in London before you moved. I said I thought that the flat had been sold and I presumed he took his belongings with him wherever he went. I gave them the address, but they said they’d also like to look at your house in Romsey.”
He looks so worried I want to reach out and hold his hand and tell him there’s nothing to worry about. They can go and look in my house: I have nothing to hide.
He looks me straight in the eye and said “You know I won’t be able to stop them from searching your house, but I promise you I will be there when they do it.”
I smile the best smile I can manage for him and make a noise in my throat which is supposed to be thank you. Big mistake. My thank you comes out as a choking sound. Poor George. He goes pale then starts calling for some one to come and help, saying I’m choking. A nurse arrives, George is moved away from the bed and the curtains are pulled. I’m desperately smiling at her, trying to signal all is well, but on she ploughs, suction tube at the ready. Now I’m really angry. As soon as the tube is placed in my mouth, I clamp my teeth on it like a vice and there they stay.
“What’s going on?”
Thank goodness. It’s Alice.
“Her visitor said she was choking.” The nurse sounds a little scared.
“It’s okay, Nurse, I’ll deal with it. Just remove the suction tube,” says Alice.
The other nurse, one I don’t know, tries to pull the tube out of my mouth but nothing happens. Sounding even more scared now, she tells Alice it’s stuck.
“It’s alright. You go and help Nurse Harris, I’ll see to Annie.”
Alice smiles at me. She nods her head towards the departing nurse and says in a kind voice, “Poor girl, it’s her first day on the ward straight out of school. I’ll bet she’s shaking like a leaf. Well, Annie, let’s get that suction tube removed.”
Easier said than done. My teeth won’t budge.
“Annie, you’re going to have to concentrate on relaxing, just like you did when you started smiling. Just think, if you could open and close your mouth you’d be able to hold a pointer to work a computer and we’d be able to converse.”
Alice sits talking and encouraging me for some time, but in the end I’m given a muscle relaxant.
George returns. The situation has been explained to him, he’s full of apologies even though he’s been assured it wasn’t his fault: he hadn’t been told that I can now make noises. Before leaving he tells me he’s staying locally for a few days and will be back to see me tomorrow.
He seems terribly worried about Rob’s apparent disappearance but I’m sure there must be an explanation. Mind you, I did think it strange at the time how Rob dealt with everything by letter, even down to the sharing of our belongings in the London flat. It wasn’t his normal way of doing things. I was told by his lawyers to take what items I wanted. I don’t know what happened to the rest, I assumed he took them then sold the lease. I know it was sold because Mark told me, so he must have been in touch with Rob. He’s who the police need to talk to, but of course I need to be able to tell them and right now that’s not likely to happen, unless as Alice says I work on a means of communication, namely moving my jaw.
The ward is in semi-darkness with everyone settled for the night. I can’t sleep. My mind keeps flitting between wondering what, if any, treatment the American Mr Leaman will come up with, and the impending investigation by the police. I’m beginning to wonder if Rob’s disappearance at the same time Mark found out he was the father of Ellie is more than coincidence. I’m sure I’m letting my imagination run wild: Mark is not the kind of person to harm some one. Mind you, it’s not unknown that men, even the mildest of them, when humiliated can and do kill. God, I really am letting my mind run riot, I must stop this and work on my jaw movements.
*
It’s George, he’s shouting at me. I can’t hear what he’s saying, he’s pointing at something. It’s my house. What’s he doing there, and why is he so angry with me? I’m crying for my mum but she’s gone, I can’t find her. Dad says it’s all right but I want my mum, I need the comfort of her smell. Now Rob is calling me, he wants me to help him but I can’t move, I can’t talk. I can’t help him. He needs me, but I can’t help him.
“Annie, Annie, wake up you poor thing. You must have been having a nightmare, you’re soaked in sweat and tears.”
Oh Mum, it was awful. I feel cold.
“Here, let me get your sponge and wipe you down. You were making such a noise I thought someone was trying to strangle you.”
It’s not Mum, of course it’s not. Now I’m awake but I still feel frightened. My insides are shaking, I stare ahead. I don’t want to see Rob’s face again pleading with me.
Nurse Millen gently sponges me and gets a clean dry nightdress for me. As she pulls back the sheets, she gives me a big smile.
“Annie, I have good news for you: you’ve wet the bed.”
I’ve wet the bed? You mean I’ve peed myself. My fear is replaced with elation. It’s true what they said then: fear and anger seem to be the keys to my release. With the help of the night orderly Nurse Millen changes my bed and makes me comfortable. As the ward brightens with the light of daybreak so does my window on life brighten. I discover my eyes are fully open. At last I must be on the road to recovery.
*
“Sounds like you have had an eventful night, Mrs Anderson.”
It’s the deep Southern sexy voice of Mr Leaman. Did I say sexy? I am improving, now I feel I’m blushing.
“Nurse tells us you had a nightmare last night. I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant, but it seems to have brought you good fortune. Mr Dwyer and I feel that to intervene in any way at this stage, with any course of treatment, might be detrimental to the present progress you’re making. Even though it may take some time, we both feel certain that you will in time have a full recovery. Of course, if things slow up or stop then we will consider other options. Mr Dwyer will keep me informed of your progress and, with your permission, I would like to follow your case. I’ll see you when I’m next over here.”
He takes my hand, squeezes it gently and says goodbye. I feel like I’m floating on top of the bed instead of lying in it.
“You look like you’re in love, Annie.”
Alice smiles teasingly at me. “He’s gorgeous, I could fall in love with him myself. His voice, I just melt when I hear it.!
She sits on the edge of the bed and, lifting my arm, begins my daily massages. She talks as she rubs the oil into my thin white arms.
“I wish you could tell me what you dreamed about last night. It had such an effect on you it must be important. Usually dreams that become nightmares are a mixture of truth and fantasy, and generally it’s something you were talking about recently. Maybe it was something your brother said to you which got jumbled in your dream. Is he coming to see you today?”
I smile in reply.
“Would you like me to ask him what it was you were talking about yesterday?”
I think for a minute or so then decide no: it’s best to keep my worries to myself for now.
“Okay, Annie. I hope you don’t think I’m prying. I would never do anything to upset you.”
I smile reassuringly at her.
“There, that’s all your beauty treatment done. I’ll just get one of the nurses to help me move you to your chair.”
Alice clears away her trolley and smooths the sheet covering the special air pockets on the chair.: these help prevent pressure sores on some one who can’t move themselves about, like me.
“Ah, one of the sections seems to have deflated,” she says as she prods it here and there, checking the air pockets. “I’d better call the maintenance chap before we move you, Annie”.
Off she goes. The maintenance man. I break out in a cold sweat. Will I be seeing my molester? If he has that peculiar smell, I’ll recognise him. I’m scared and excited. But why the hell should I be excited? If it is him I still won’t be able to tell anyone.
“Sorry, Annie, you’ll have to forego your time in the chair today. It seems the maintenance man is off on some study course and the chap replacing him hasn’t turned up yet.”
No, but someone else has.
Instead of sitting in the chair I’m propped in a sitting position with the aid of several pillows and, following Alice’s instructions, I concentrate on trying to move something: mouth, eyes, fingers – anything.
“Hello, Annie. Sister tells me you had a bit of a disturbed night but that some more muscles are working. That’s good news”.
It’s George and, bless him, he’s smiling from ear to ear, he’s so happy with my progress. He goes on to tell me that he has been to see my house and that it’s looking very nice, especially the garden.
“When I was talking to the Sister, I asked her at what stage would you be allowed home if you had nursing help.”
This sentence caused me to breathe deeply. Home. Oh George, you have no idea how often I’ve thought of that. But I know that I wouldn’t just need nursing help, I’d need round-the-clock care by a team of nurses. I’m afraid, George, I know it’s not feasible at present.
George goes on to say that was more or less what Sister told him. “I don’t want you feeling depressed by this news because, according to Sister, you only need your swallowing and coughing reflexes to improve. Then, with the help of family and nursing care, you can leave hospital.”
I’m staring at him. George, you and your family are all the relatives I have and, even if you were generous enough to offer to move into my house with me, it’s much too small to accommodate us all.
“For some time now, Maggie and I have been toying with the idea of moving south. Before I came to visit, we had a long chat about perhaps looking at houses near where you live. I’ve had an estate agent get some details together for us to look over. Once I’ve dealt with the police at your place Maggie is coming down for a few days and we’ll view what’s on the market”.
He takes his snow white handkerchief from his pocket and wipes my eyes.
“Please don’t cry, Annie. As a big brother I’ve done so little for you. I want to make up for that and Maggie is in total agreement with me. Our plan is to look for something with an attached flat so even though you will have to have someone with you at all times, hopefully you’ll still be able to feel you have some privacy.”
All the while he is telling me this, I cry buckets of tears. Suddenly I have a sense of belonging – something I’ve been missing for years and only now realise how much.
Poor George: he keeps drying my eyes and reassuring me that he will only do what I want him to do. To help allay his fears I smile the best smile I can for him.
Alice arrives and introduces herself to George. He in turn explains the cause of my tears.
“That’s wonderful news, Annie! That means you and I will need to work even harder to get things moving.”
She explains to George that she is in charge of my case in the hope we can work out a communication system between us. After a little more conversation George leaves, saying he will call again tomorrow.
