Is this love, p.16
Is This Love?, page 16
The journey home was long: a boat to the mainland, a bus back to Phnom Penh, and then a flight: first to Kuala Lumpur, then on to London. I was hungry, and tired, and feeling weak by the time my cab dropped me off back at the flat. It was so weird to be home. I’d been dreading being back there, but it wasn’t as bleak as I’d remembered when I finally got inside. I hadn’t taken the sofa or the TV. Or the bed. I really wanted to sleep.
I took my bag upstairs, and returned to the kitchen to go through the post that you’d left piled up on the side. The buzzer went, and I walked to the window to see who it was. A young man, standing beside his pushbike, cap on his head. I didn’t know him. I went down the stairs to open the front door, and as I did so he said my name. Yes? I replied.
I’m here to serve you with these papers.
Non-Molestation Order. Under Section 42 of the Family Law Act 1996
Important notice to the Respondent:
You must obey this order. You should read it carefully. If you do not understand anything in this order you should go to a solicitor, Legal Advice Centre or Citizens Advice Bureau. You have a right to apply to the court to change or cancel the order.
If, without reasonable excuse, you do anything which you are forbidden from doing by this order, you will be committing a criminal offence and liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding five years or to a fine or both.
Alternatively, if you do not obey this order, you will be guilty of contempt of court and may be sent to prison.
The Court heard the Application:
without notice. The court had evidence only from the Applicant. The order was made in the absence of the Respondent. Having regard to sections 45(1) and (2) of the Family Law Act 1996, the court decided to make an order without notice because:
[ ] there is a risk of significant harm to the Applicant, attributable to the conduct of the Respondent if the order is not made immediately
[ ] it is likely that the Applicant will be deterred or prevented from pursuing the application if the order is not made immediately.
Recital:
Upon the parties having agreed that occupation of the family home pending sale shall be as follows:
The Respondent shall only enter or occupy the property between the following hours:
Alternate weekends from Fridays at 9 a.m. to Mondays at 9 a.m., commencing 3 March.
The Respondent shall not enter or occupy the property at any other time.
On 27 February, District Judge Gibson, sitting at the Family Court at Central Family Court, First Avenue House, 42–49 High Holborn, London, WC1V 6NP considered an application for an order and ordered that:
1. The Respondent is forbidden to:
a) intimidate, harass or pester the Applicant and must not instruct or encourage any other person to do so;
b) post or publish any material about these proceedings or about the Applicant in print or on Facebook or on any other social media or in any electronic way and must not instruct or encourage any other person to do so;
c) telephone, text, email or otherwise contact or attempt to contact the Applicant except through her solicitors.
2. This order shalt be effective against the Respondent once the Respondent is made aware of the terms of this order whether by personal service or otherwise.
3. This order shall last until 28 June at 11.59 p.m. unless it is set aside or varied before then by an order of the court.
4. Rule 18.11 Family Procedure Rules 2010
As this order was made without notice, the Respondent has the right (within 7 days beginning with the date on which this order was served on the Respondent) to apply to the court without waiting until the return date to set aside or vary the order. The Respondent must give or ask the Court to give 48 hours’ notice of the application to the Applicant’s solicitors.
5. Further Hearing
The application(s) for injunction order and occupation order are listed for further consideration including whether the order should continue before a District Judge sitting in the Central Family Court at First Avenue House, 42–49 High Holborn, London, WC1V 6NP on 21 June at 9 a.m. Time estimate: 1 hour.
6. Costs
Costs reserved.
This order is made without notice to the Respondent.
First statement of the Applicant
Background information:
1. The Respondent and I met six years ago. I moved in with the Respondent fairly quickly, initially because I was in between properties and needed temporary accommodation. Shortly afterwards I sold my property and purchased a property with the proceeds of that sale, in which we both still live. We hold the property as joint tenants. We were married two years last April, and separated in November last year.
2. Due to the Respondent’s abusive behaviour, I ended our relationship in November. In order to keep myself safe while the divorce and financial settlement were being negotiated, I asked the Respondent to alternate occupation of the home. The Respondent agreed to this arrangement.
3. The Respondent has been physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive.
History of abuse:
1. I hereby set out a history of the Respondent’s abuse, and patterns of controlling behaviour. Because I have prepared this statement quickly, owing to the immediacy of my need for protection, it is possible that I have omitted or overlooked further examples which evidence the Respondent’s abuse. I have tried to cover all of these, but reserve the right to add to this chronology in order to support future court proceedings. I believe the following establishes why I am urgently in need of the protection of a non-molestation order and an occupation order.
2. Although I believe the Respondent has always behaved in ways I now consider to be abusive, and has often shown controlling and damaging behaviours, these have escalated following our marriage, and again following my ending of our relationship. The Respondent has been obstructive, violent and harassing as I have attempted to negotiate a financial settlement pending the finalisation of our divorce and the sale of our family home. They have repeatedly broken the arrangement we have made to share occupation of our home. I am now too frightened to spend time in the property alone.
3. The Respondent’s behaviour is escalating as they have had to relinquish the control they have held over me for many years. I am constantly frightened about what might happen next. I don’t feel safe at home, and I am aware that the Respondent knows where I work as well as the addresses of family and friends whom I have been staying with. I feel desperate, and ask that the courts provide me with the protection I need.
4. The Respondent has been used to controlling whom I talk to. They would often show anger when I spent time with family or friends alone, and would check my phone to monitor my communications with others. The Respondent’s behaviour caused me to become isolated from my family and friends, as the Respondent would make me feel uncomfortable when I spoke with other people, by making horrible comments or starting an argument.
5. The Respondent’s abusive behaviour escalated following our marriage. They would portray me as being incompetent, neurotic or in other ways ridiculous in front of other people, and would put me down about any number of things. I felt I had to agree with the Respondent’s opinions and ideas, as well as plans that were made ‘on my behalf’, or else I would be subject to verbal abuse and physical threats.
6. The Respondent would frequently accuse me of lying, while repeatedly being dishonest themselves, for example staying out late, while accusing me of often being away from home. This form of ‘gaslighting’ undermined my sense of self and made me feel both deeply unhappy and, at times, physically unwell.
7. On one occasion the Respondent locked me out of our home. I contacted the police as I couldn’t access the property, but when the police arrived, the Respondent gave them access immediately. The Respondent told me that the officers had asked if I had mental health problems. The Respondent said that, had they indicated yes, I would have been subject to the interventions of mental health services. I believe they did this to make me feel fearful of losing my job.
8. The Respondent was also physically abusive during our relationship. This would often happen after the Respondent would accuse me of reneging on a plan to do something, e.g. a meal out or a weekend away, when no such plans had been made. On one occasion last autumn the Respondent slammed a door so violently that it caused a picture to fall to the floor and break. The Respondent also punched the wall, and I felt threatened that I would also be punched. There have been many times when I have felt I am in physical danger.
9. During January of last year, the Respondent had become very angry following a night spent in the company of mutual friends. The Respondent felt I had been undermining, which was not the case. Once alone in the flat, the Respondent had become very angry, and had thrown an item of furniture at me, and had prevented me from going upstairs by physically blocking my way. When I took a seat on the sofa the Respondent came over to me and started to push me backwards, their hands on my shoulders. I was very frightened. I didn’t retaliate, but the Respondent moved position and squeezed one hand around my neck, which terrified me. I believed I was going to die. After this incident I contacted a domestic violence helpline for support.
10. In the summer of last year, I arrived home to find the Respondent furious because I was late for dinner. I went to the bedroom to avoid a confrontation, but the Respondent followed me and approached where I was sitting on the bed. The Respondent swung an arm out towards me, with clenched fists, but I moved away and they made contact with the wall behind my head instead. I believe it was their intention to punch me in the face.
11. On 14 November I told the Respondent that I wanted to end our relationship. The Respondent became physically very aggressive, calling me vengeful and unbalanced, and putting their hands in my face and pushing me in my chest to stop me from leaving. I was very frightened for my own safety. I believe that the Respondent would take any steps they could to prevent me from seeking a divorce.
12. Following this, I was forced to block the Respondent’s number on my mobile phone, because of the number of text messages and phone calls I was bombarded with on a daily basis. I informed the Respondent that I would only be contactable via email, as I felt this was the safest way to communicate, and to maintain some sort of distance between us.
13. Over Christmas and New Year, I went to stay with my sister and her husband. Shortly after arriving there, I heard a knock at the front door, which I answered. I was shocked to see the Respondent standing outside, and became very anxious as I did not know how they would behave, so I attempted to leave the property and walk away. However, the Respondent moved towards the front door and physically blocked my path, repeatedly saying, ‘Don’t do this, you’ve ruined my life. Do you want it to end this way?’ I asked the Respondent to move out of my way and let me walk down the path and away from them, but they would not allow me to. I was extremely upset and began to cry and after several minutes, the Respondent eventually stepped aside and I walked down the path away from the front door.
As I attempted to leave the property via the gate at the end of the path, the Respondent followed me and stood in front of me to block my exit. The Respondent was very angry and grabbed the collar of my coat and pulled me towards them, close to my face. I was terrified because the Respondent was so aggressive and intimidating. The Respondent said to me, ‘Is this threatening enough for you? Is it?’ and still crying, I repeatedly begged to be left alone.
The Respondent eventually let go of me. I believe that now that the Respondent cannot manipulate me through emotional abuse, they are increasingly quick to resort to physical threats in order to force me to agree with them. I was so confused and upset by this incident that I quickly walked away from my sister’s home, not knowing where I was going but suddenly the Respondent appeared again and stood in front of me, blocking my way forward. I was a little way down the road from my sister’s home, and the Respondent was following me, shouting obscenities at me. Fortunately, there were many people out on the street at the time. I carried on walking and the Respondent eventually stopped following me as there were a lot of people to witness their behaviour. I was so afraid of what the Respondent might do during this incident and I was very shaken.
When I returned to my sister’s home, I knocked at the door to be let back in and I was shaking so badly my sister believed I had been assaulted. She told me that I should contact the police but I didn’t want to at that time. I believe the incident to be another example of the Respondent attempting to show their power over me, and that they can continue to control me even outside of the setting of our home.
14. The Respondent also continuously telephoned and messaged my sister and my sister’s husband to demand to speak to me throughout the Christmas and New Year break. The Respondent threatened to ‘do something stupid’, so I felt forced to respond. This is another example of the Respondent attempting to control me through their own actions.
15. In January of this year, I arrived back at the family home according to the agreement that had been made to share use of the property. I was deeply alarmed to find the Respondent inside, and went to leave immediately. I was panicking. I reminded the Respondent that they were not meant to be there. They simply laughed at me, before walking down the stairs and forcing their way past me, in order to block my exit from the flat.
The Respondent said they were confused about which day of the week they were due to leave the property, because the Christmas break had disoriented them. I believe this to be completely disingenuous, and further demonstration of the Respondent’s capacity to lie to suit their needs.
I was terrified of what the Respondent might do, so I pushed past them and managed to get out onto the street. As I was walking away, the Respondent appeared by my side. I asked the Respondent to leave me alone. They said they would not, and that this time they would force me into a conversation with them. I was very frightened by this.
I was in a state of confusion, and headed to the closest shop, not far from our home. My sole aim was to get away from the Respondent. The Respondent followed me into the shop, and continued to demand that I have a conversation with them. I did not reply. I was panicking. I decided to call my solicitor for instruction as I did not know what to do. My solicitor advised me to report the incident as harassment at my nearest police station.
I followed this instruction, and left the shop and began to walk towards the police station at the top of the Narrow Way in Hackney. Initially, I believed the Respondent had remained in the shop. I was therefore extremely alarmed to find them in front of me as I got to the end of the road. Again, I felt very frightened.
The Respondent was in a rage. They aggressively grabbed me by my jacket and pulled me forward so that our faces were almost touching. The Respondent said, ‘I will not put up with this any longer.’ I did not know how to react, so stayed absolutely still for a moment, then shook the Respondent’s hands off me and backed away from them. As I got a little further away, the Respondent advanced and physically pulled me back by my shoulder, propelling me towards them. The Respondent then aggressively pushed me against a shop front and leaned up against me. I couldn’t move away. The Respondent said we must look like lovers. I was terrified that they were going to molest me. Again, I felt sick. I managed to duck underneath the Respondent’s arm, and started to run away up the street. I could hear the Respondent shouting behind me. They were accusing me of making up lies with my sister about them in language that I found very upsetting. I heard the Respondent finally shout that I had ‘ruined their life’, but I was by this time quite a distance away.
This experience was terrifying. The Respondent followed me, physically assaulted me, and verbally abused me. The Respondent is not afraid to act in these ways towards me, as they are accustomed to having me accept such behaviours and even try to cover for them when they have acted in such ways in a public setting.
Following this incident, I went back to my sister’s house for the remainder of the day. I didn’t return to the family home until the morning after, and I took my sister with me in case the Respondent was still there.
I reported this incident to the police the following Monday, and was told that it was in the police’s powers to arrest the Respondent. I decided I did not wish to press charges, I simply wanted the Respondent to leave me alone. The matter was given the incident number 4690568/28. I did not want to cause further unnecessary trouble or to add to the conflict between the Respondent and myself.
I also attended a local domestic violence drop-in centre where I explained the circumstances of my relationship with the Respondent, and was given appropriate support. I remain very frightened that the Respondent will continue to disregard the conditions of our shared use of the family home, and will further continue to threaten me and to enact abusive and violent behaviours.
When I did finally re-enter the family home, I found that the Respondent had removed most of the property from inside. This included almost all the fixtures and fittings, the furniture, and personal items belonging to me. I was deeply distressed by this. Some of the items that have been removed are irreplaceable, and of great sentimental value to me, including gifts from my family members. I believe this action was intended to frighten and upset me, and to create an unbearable living situation for me. I also believe it demonstrates that the Respondent has no sense of what is rightfully theirs.
