Holt tossed his sandals on the ground and switched his ice cream cone, putting an arm around me. We didn’t say anything for a while. His thumb ran circles on my shoulder. I exhaled, wiping the wetness from my eyes. Holden leaned in, kissing my temple and I let myself melt into him, breathing him in.

  “Thank you.” I whispered.

  “For what?” He matched my tone.

  “For remembering her. I know she’s still in pictures at your family’s house. I saw them when I was there last time.”

  “She will always be a part of our family. And you will too, Cam.” He pressed his forehead into mine and it would be so easy to close the space between us. To press my lips to his, to see if it would momentarily fill this constant void in my chest. The tension was palpable, but instead of giving in, I leaned back. Standing up, I grabbed my sandals from the ground and took a bite of cone, getting near the end of the ice cream.

  Holden stood and we walked back towards the pier. “Whatcha doing for the rest of the day? Did you want to come back with me?”

  “I’m going over to Danielle and Chelsea’s today, but thanks.” The drive back to the house was quiet, uneventful. Technically, I wasn’t going to their house until tonight, but I couldn’t stand the thought of trying to keep it together in front of him for another four hours.

  I waved as he drove away, and I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if I gave in at the beach and just kissed him. But that wasn’t the reason I came. I’d be back in California soon enough and he’d be here. A different sort of ache filled my chest at the thought, and I called Ellie for a distraction.

  Chapter 12

  Holden

  The sounds of music and occasional screams of laughter from the pool filtered through the air. I was in the shed, tying a large pink bow around the tea party table while Rae and Cami swam and my mom lounged nearby, reading. I could join them, but Cam had been a little distant since our walk on the beach.

  I enjoyed taking her out to lunch and getting ice cream, like when we were younger. It felt so normal, walking the beach hand in hand, like it could be a regular occurrence.

  I couldn't imagine all the memories that being back in Seaside had cascaded her with. She really was brave. Rae said it’s cliche or annoying when people say that, but it doesn’t mean it’s not true. She went through hell when her mom died; it was devastating from my perspective, so I knew it was indescribable for her.

  I grabbed the table, now with a giant bow in the center, and carried it across the yard, glancing over to see Cami talking animatedly while floating on a pool noodle. Setting it by the back gate, I considered joining the girls in the pool but decided to pick up my personal project. I had been inconsistently working on a buildout for the bed of my truck since my post breakup trip. The one I had made was basic, but I was working on something a little more robust with better storage and better sleeping space.

  With both Jen and Rae leaving in a matter of weeks, I had this feeling that I should leave too, even if Seaside would always be home to me. But now that Cam was here, for however long, I’d been having second thoughts.

  “Holt!” My mom’s voice shouted above the sound.

  “Hey, what’s up.” I turned the sander off and pushed the goggles out of my face, wiping the sweat.

  My mom leaned on the door to the shed. “We’re going to get cleaned up; just thought I’d let you know. We’ll leave in about thirty. Do you want to ride with us?”

  “Thanks. I kind of lost track of time.” I started moving to put the sander away, “Yeah, I’ll ride with you guys. Is dad meeting us there?”

  “Yeah, he is.”

  “Okay,” I picked up the various tools around the shed to clean up, “I’ll go get cleaned up and meet you in the house.”

  The shower was quick and cold. I let the water run over my back. Cam wanted to kiss me yesterday, I felt it. I wanted her to close the space between us, but she leaned away instead.

  I’d already been clear about my feelings towards her. Maybe to a fault. I wanted to give her space and not pressure her, but every time I saw her, I remembered the way it felt to hold her in my arms. The way kissing her all those years ago had made the world stop spinning, so it was just her and I in our own tiny bubble despite the chaos of the airport.

  I wanted that again. I needed that again, but I needed her to want it too.

  “Happy Birthday dear Mia. Happy Birthday to you!” My family crowded around the table, singing loudly, and Mia blew out the big ‘5’ candle on her princess birthday cake, beaming from ear to ear. Jen started slicing the cake while Mer passed the slices around. Chocolate cake with strawberry filling and whipped cream frosting. Mia requested it specifically from my mom.

  “Is it present time Mommy?” Mia took a large bite of cake.

  Meredith handed a piece to my Aunt Bea. “Let’s finish with the cake first, okay?”

  “Can Sammy and Chase have some too?”

  “They’re too little to have cake, but we can give them a little taste of frosting.”

  “Okay!” Mia was satisfied with that answer and resumed shoveling large bites into her mouth.

  I grabbed two slices of cake and found Cami at the other end of the yard, sitting at a table with my grandparents.

  “Anyone want cake?” I held out the plates.

  Grandpa Ezra shook his head no.

  Grandma Rosie replied with a nod. “I’ll take a small piece.”

  “I think Jen only knows how to cut diner sized slices. I’ll share with you though.” I set the plate on the table and sat down, across from Cami.

  “Did you want any?” I asked, gesturing to the other plate.

  “Sure. Thanks.” She smiled and my body warmed at our eye contact, wishing we didn’t have a table between us.

  My grandma picked up her fork, “I was just talking to Cami about the lake trip next week, trying to convince her to come.”

  “I’m pretty sure Rae will just kidnap me if I don’t willingly go.” Cami took a bite of cake.

  “And I’d help.” I winked.

  Cami rolled her eyes. “I guess I can go to the lake house, with its stunning views and firework display and not to mention that I was the reigning swing jump queen for three years running and fully intend to reclaim my throne.”

  “I think you might have your work cut out for you there. The competition has gotten cutthroat over the years.” I smirked, wondering if she’s truly going to come to the lake with us. It’s been an annual Fourth of July tradition since we were kids and this year, we’re celebrating my grandparents fifty-fifth wedding anniversary.

  “All right, does everyone have cake?” Mer called out. “If so we’re gonna move on to presents.”

  “Yes!” Mia fist pumped the air with a fork in her hand.

  Noah placed a folding chair in the middle of the yard, facing toward the patio where the rest of us sat.

  “Okay birthday girl, as soon as you clean up, come on over to your chair and we’ll bring you presents to open.”

  Mia finished her cake, wiped her face and hands in record time and raced to the chair.

  “I’m ready!” Mia swung her legs back and forth in her seat.

  Lots of pink and purple paper was shredded as Mia screamed in delight for each and every present. She opened several coloring books, puzzles, princess books, princess outfits, princess dolls, swim lessons, dance lessons and even tickets to the children’s museum and aquarium.

  “I think you have one more.” Noah said to Mia, looking over at me. “But you have to close your eyes.”

  “Okay!” Mia quickly threw her little hands over her face.

  I stepped inside the house and grabbed the table from the kitchen.

  Cami opened the slider door wider for me and I turned the table sideways to fit the legs through.

  “Can I open them?”

  “No peeking.” I reminded her.

  Mia’ little legs kicked in the chair.

  I set the table down on the grass in front of her. “Okay, open your eyes.”

  Mia pulled her hands away like lightning, her face breaking into a huge grin.

  “A tea party table!” She hopped down from the chair and started to pull apart the bow. “It’s Tangled! It’s a Rapunzel tea party table. I love it!”

  She rushed over and I bent down to give her a hug and a kiss on her cheek. “There’s one more person who you have to thank for the table. Cami painted all those Tangled pictures and all the flowers and leaves too.”

  She nodded her head and rushed to find Cami who was still standing back by the sliding door.

  Cami bent down slightly to embrace Mia. “Thank you, Cami!”

  “You are so welcome Mia. Happy Birthday!” She gave Mia one last squeeze. Mia returned to her pile of presents. Conversation picked up and people started to collect the various pieces of trash.

  “It’s amazing, Holt. Really. Thank you.” Noah shook my hand.

  “Thanks, man. It was no problem.” Over his shoulder I noticed Cami head inside.

  I followed her and found her in the kitchen, leaning against the countertop. Her arms were crossed, and she pursed her lips.

  “Penny for your thoughts?”

  She rolled her eyes at me, but her voice was strained when she replied. “Your family is amazing. Did you know that?”

  I nodded, stepping closer. “Yeah, I know. I mean they can get annoying, but I know what you mean.”

  Her fingers gripped her upper arms and she rolled her lips together.

  “Wanna get out of here? I think Mia will be okay with it.”

  She whispered. “Beach?”

  “Absolutely.”

  I texted my mom letting her know that Cam and I were leaving. The drive was quick and quiet, Cam was clearly in her head as she stared out the window.

  We parked, climbed out and I grabbed her hand. She didn’t pull away, instead giving my hand a quick squeeze, which I took as a thank you for the contact. We strolled towards the pier, and I nudged her shoulder, offering her a small smile. She did her signature eye roll and smiled back, but I could see the unshed tears.

  The walk was peaceful. We took our sandals off, and the warm sand felt nice under my feet compared to the cold water at our ankles. There was so much I could say, but honestly, I just wanted to hold her hand. To hold this space for her.

  Spending the afternoon with my family was a pretty common occurrence for us and I soaked that in, the reminder of just how blessed we were. That doesn’t mean we haven’t dealt with shit or that things had always been great between us, but we’re here and I was so damn thankful for them.

  The sun started to set. Cam stopped, pulling on my hand. She stepped back, away from the water and sat in the sand, pulling me down beside her. She released my hand, and I placed it behind us. Her head found its way to my chest, and we sat, breathing and watching the sunset, simply, because we could.

  Chapter 13

  Cami

  The sun was beating down, despite the early hour. August and I had been on our bikes for about a half hour. No music and little talking led me to be in my head, which I’d spent far too much time in these last twelve hours.

  Mia’s party was lovely. The entire James’ clan gathered around singing happy birthday, it was what everyone dreamed about. Or at least I did.

  “Wanna turn down Coast? We can circle the park and head back.” August called out over his shoulder.

  “Sure,” I agreed and picked up my pace to catch up.

  It felt like Holden, and I had a moment, or moments. He took me to get ice cream, always a good idea honestly, but then we held hands. And then when I needed to get away, he took me to the beach, and it was nice. In my head it was all gray and stormy, but the real world was painted in pastel pinks and orange hues.

  “I’m getting a dog.” August announced as we turned onto Coast to start our circle around the park.

  “You’re getting a dog?” I asked, confirming I heard him correctly. August didn’t really strike me as the pet owning type. Maybe like an iguana or a snake, but not a dog. Although, I was sure Grandma Dot wouldn’t want anything in the reptile family.

  “Yeah. My Grandma is taking me to the shelter this weekend. She says that I don’t have to get one just because we’re going and that I should take my time. But I don’t think I will find one I don’t like. That might actually be the problem.”

  I laughed with him. “Yeah, be prepared to say no to lots of cute, adorable puppy eyed faces.”

  “I have a list, to help keep me focused.”

  “What’s on the list?” We slowed our pace and started turning around the park, in front of the elementary school.

  “The dog has to be nice, has to like me and has to be a girl. I also wouldn’t like it to be too old, but I know that it won’t be a puppy.”

  “Those seem like some good qualities for a dog. I’ve never owned one myself, but back in California, at my dad’s, they had a big golden retriever. He’s the best. So sweet. They do take work though.” My thoughts wander to Bear, the silly blonde dog who doesn’t understand that he’s a 100-pound giant.

  “I know. I’ve already been saving up to buy the dog but also for its food and leash and bowls and toys. Plus, we’ll go on walks together and Grandma says she’ll take care of it while I’m at work or school.”

  “I am sure she will. Your future dog is so lucky to have you.”

  August nodded in agreement, and we finished the rest of the ride in the quiet.

  Please stop ignoring me.

  I’m going over to Meredith’s to babysit. Rae was supposed to come with me, but she isn’t feeling good.

  I think it would be more fun if I didn’t go and you watched 3 kids by yourself.

  I’ll pick you up at 5:30.

  I smiled and switched back to Instagram. It was a little after five and I was by the front window on my yoga mat. I finished a particularly sweaty power flow from one of my favorite YouTubers and was enjoying an extra-long savasana.

  I scrolled for another five minutes and then peeled my sweaty self off the floor and into the shower. Thirty minutes later I chewed a piece of gum and wore a pair of bike shorts, an oversized tee and damp hair left to dry down my back. I figured if we were babysitting three kids, I would be comfortable.

  As usual, I heard his truck pull up and met him outside. And like a gentleman, he got out to open the passenger door for me.

  “You look great.” Holden’s eyes scanned my body.

  I shoved him away, climbing in the seat. “My eyes are up here.”

  “Those look great too.” He made a point to stare at me while closing the door. He climbed into the front seat. “So how much longer are you going to avoid me, just so I can get a ballpark idea.”

  I buckled my seatbelt and snapped my gum. “Longer if you annoy me.”

  “But I just can’t help it.” He fiddled with the radio. “Rae says thanks by the way.”

  “I know. I texted her to confirm your story.”

  He laughed. “You did not.”

  “Did too. She sent me pictures of dirty Kleenex and cough syrup to confirm.”

  “You guys are gross.” He put the truck into gear and reversed out of the driveway.

  “Not gross. Thorough.”

  He wore aviators, but I was pretty sure he rolled his eyes.

  “So, what’s it like babysitting Mia and the twins?” I tried to keep my voice level.

  “Is someone nervous?”

  “I would just prefer to have some frame of reference.”

  “Uh, huh.” He smirked. “The twins go down around seven and then we’ll watch a movie and eat some ice cream with Mia until she passes out after claiming that she’s not tired.”

  I adjusted the strap of my bag. “And dinner?”

  “Mer usually has a pizza delivered for us and has something prepared for Chase and Sammy. They’ll get back around 9ish and that’ll be it.”

  I let out a breath, feeling a little better about the evening. “Did you get to the beach today?”

  “No, why?”

  “We’re only on day two and we’ve already failed our ‘no squander’ agreement.”

  “Then we’ll just have to take the kids.”

  “You want to pack up Mia and the twins and take them to the beach?” I scoffed.

  “Yeah, after dinner, why not? Mia will love it and the twins will get to fall asleep to real ocean waves instead of a sound machine. Plus, we can walk, not even have to worry about car seats, just the stroller.” He reached his hand across the center console and laced his fingers through mine.

  “I’m not going to say no to a walk at the beach even if the thought of doing it with three kids in tow seems a little daunting.” I let him hold my hand for the last minute of the drive, enjoying the warmth they provided.

  “Bye mommy. Bye daddy.” Mia blew them both kisses from her spot on the floor next to Samantha.

  “Have fun baby. Thanks again, guys.” Mer and Noah gave one last wave and disappeared out the front door.

  “See ya.” Holden replied from the couch where Chase sat in his lap, chewing on a teether.

  I sat on the floor next to the girls while Mia tried to read a book about colors, but Sammy kept turning the pages too fast. Mia tried to read faster but it didn’t work.

  “Here. You can have the book about colors, and I’ll read the one about animals.” Mia placed the book in her little sister's lap. She bounced and giggled, immediately bringing the book to her mouth.

  “You want to read it to me?” I asked Mia, “I promise to let you finish the pages.”

  “Yeah. Thanks. Sammy’s just a baby, so she doesn’t know things yet and that’s okay.”

  Mia read me the book about colors and the one about animals. Sammy found some other toys to play with and the doorbell rang a few minutes later.

  “Pizza! Can I get it?” Mia asked.

  Holden placed Chase on the floor near his sister. “Sure, let’s get it together.”

 

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