Always you, p.18
Always You, page 18
Back out on the deck, I downloaded WhatsApp and called Greer.
After several rings, the call connected and when I saw her bleary face fill the whole of the screen, I grimaced. ‘Shit, sorry. I forgot how early it is out there.’
‘Lina!’ She yawned. ‘It’s so good to hear from you. Where you at?’
‘I’m staying in Cyprus a bit longer.’
‘How come, babe?’
‘It’s quite a tale. I can tell you another time, I’ll let you get back to sleep.’
‘Nah. It’s all good. I’m so jet-lagged. I have no clue whether it’s day or night.’ She chuckled. ‘Let me get to the kitchen and make some coffee first. Show me where you are. Full panorama.’
I swept the iPad around, giving her a 360-degree view. She whistled. ‘Woah. That’s some beautiful place you’re staying at. I thought you told me it was barely big enough to swing a cat in and I didn’t realise it was on the beach.’
I filled her in on everything that had happened over the last few days. She munched away at a bowl of granola; periodically nodding, listening to my every word. It made me realise how much I had missed this. The connection. Female connection. There had been no one in my life since … Emily. No one I ever felt I could fully open up to.
When I had finished my tale, she pinched her lips, nose wrinkling. I had walked to the edge of the pool, marvelling at the fact that the Wi-Fi was still strong. I sat down, dipping my feet in the water. The temperature was perfect.
‘I can’t believe you never told me about the pain, Lina,’ Greer said. ‘I knew you had some seriously bad periods, but I didn’t realise they were that bad. My cousin has endo. Had that same operation you had. It didn’t completely wipe out the discomfort, but she’s made some adjustments to her life – you know, she does all that meditation, yoga shit. I have to ask …’ She walked out of her kitchen and back into her room, shutting the door before sitting on her bed, screen closer to her face. ‘Is sex painful too?’
I dipped my head, twirling my feet in the pool and nodded. ‘Really painful. So much so I haven’t had any in a long time. The few guys I have slept with since my university boyfriend have all been one-night stands. What’s the point in having a relationship with someone if I can’t do the one thing you’re meant to do together … be intimate? How do I explain that I use alcohol not only to relax but also as a pain suppressor?’ I paused, thinking she would tell me I was being ridiculous.
But there was nothing but understanding in her expression. ‘Did you talk to the doctor about this?’
‘It’s one of the first things she asked me before I had the operation. But this might not have fixed “that” issue.’ I shrugged. ‘I guess I won’t know until I try.’
‘How does Nik feel about it all?’
I lowered my eyes. ‘Nik and I … we’re not intimate with each other.’ Our unusual relationship suddenly weighed heavy on my shoulders. I screwed up my face. ‘Shit, this is so hard to talk about.’
‘Babe, it’s fine, I get it. You said many times it was complicated and it’s difficult to explain. I’m not going to push you for details. If whatever you guys have going on suits you, that’s cool, but now … it sounds like things have changed for you. Think about yourself, your needs. Going forward, this shouldn’t be a problem. Sex shouldn’t be a problem.’
‘God, even hearing the word makes my shoulders tense.’
‘Tantra,’ she said defiantly.
‘Excuse me?’
‘You need to try tantric sex. You need to get that connection first with someone. Even if it doesn’t lead to actual penetrative sex. You’ve probably got years of hang-ups associated with sleeping with someone. Maybe doing something different where performing, climaxing, isn’t the actual goal would help. It’s all about the flow of energy. One of my previous girlfriends was massively into it. And let me tell you, I was sold until she took her energy onto someone else.’ She cocked her head back and laughed. ‘But guys … well let’s just say they see it as more like hard work to get something that they could get a lot quicker with regular plain old vanilla sex. You just haven’t met the right guy, Lina.’ She tutted. ‘And neither have I.’
I thought about what Greer had said. I had met the right guy, but I had ruined all hope of being with him.
‘What are your plans now?’ she asked. ‘Just R&R? Kinky tantric with Ash?’
‘Greer!’ I shrieked and peeked over my shoulder, hoping Ash hadn’t made a sudden appearance.
‘What? I saw that picture you sent me on your first night in Cyprus. He’s a hottie. And from what you have told me about him and how he is treating you like a princess in some amazing beach palace, he sounds like your perfect guy. Come. On. Lina. You’ve got to stop being so scared of intimacy. And … Nik’s not around.’ She winked and let her eyebrows dance. ‘Anyway, enough about guys, what about solving the mystery of your mum’s finding?’
‘Actually, there is something I wanted you to help me with,’ I said, relieved that the conversation had moved on.
She moved closer to the screen. ‘Ooh, tell me. I am so bored out here. I miss going to the pub with you and downing a pint. Everyone is so uptight in LA. All kale this, pea protein that. I miss the grease of Pete’s fish and chip shop, the cider and the red buses belching out fumes.’
‘You know you’re welcome back to Birmingham anytime.’
‘I wish. Got my final year to get through before I can travel again. But come on, tell me. How can I help?’
I filled Greer in on the receipts I had found in the cabinet the first time I had snooped around the office of Elias’s son. I sent her the pictures I had taken, and she said she would investigate.
After we hung up, I took the iPad to the hammock. My finger hovered over the search bar before typing the word ‘tantra’.
Time slipped by; my mind absorbing all this new information, a sense of hope filling me the more I discovered – the idea of being able to move from pain to pleasure.
My phone buzzing on the table made me flinch. It was only a message from Nik. He was happy about my archaeological discoveries but thankfully didn’t have time for a chat. A relief. The truth was, I didn’t know how to tell him everything that had happened the last few days and that I had lied about coming to Cyprus with Ash, and I didn’t know why.
Actually, I did.
Any mention of Ash always set him off and vice versa. Ash would never understand the relationship I had with Nik. Nik and I had grown close over the last few years. We shared all our secrets. But there was one secret between us that would bind us together forever. And I swore to Nik that no one would ever know.
Chapter 25
When we were eighteen
The last day of secondary school had been uneventful. Emily hadn’t turned up. But I knew she had been here briefly because when I opened my locker, there was an envelope inside. I recognised her curly script. Initially, I had crumpled it up. I didn’t want to know what she had to say but by the time everyone had said their goodbyes, I had an overwhelming desire to be on my own and read it. Luckily, Ash had rushed home to help his grandma prepare for a family celebration and Nik had been doing his best to avoid me since the night of his party, so I had no clue where he was. And the truth was, I was avoiding him too. How could I look him in the face after what had happened? I shuddered as I remembered the pain.
I found a spot out beyond the sports field – a place where I couldn’t be seen. I sat down on the grass beside the massive oak tree surrounded by bushes, close to the changing rooms. Smoothing out the envelope, I ripped it open.
Dear Lina
I’m sorry. I’ve tried calling so many times, but I understand why you wouldn’t want to talk to me, and I can’t come round because your dad said I am banned.
Please forgive me. I didn’t know how to tell you. But please try and understand this. I love him and I want to be with him. I hope one day you’ll be happy for me.
Love Em
Tears welled and I crumpled up the pink sheet of paper and hurled it into the grass. What the hell was I meant to do with that? I clutched my stomach tightly. It wasn’t fair. Why did Alex have to take away the one person I cared for more than anyone else? Why? Selfish dick.
But maybe Emily had never wanted to be my friend. We only became really close at the start of sixth form. Maybe she was only my friend so she could be close to Alex. I didn’t even know how long they had been together. And she hadn’t mentioned loving or caring for me in the letter. It was about her and him.
A gust of wind blew the paper away and I shot up to grab it and shoved it in my school bag.
Distant voices startled me. I gulped back my tears and wiped my sleeve over my eyes. I hid behind the nearest tree and peered out slowly. The voices were coming from behind the changing rooms – in the gap between the back wall and the wooden fence that ran the perimeter of the school. It was known as Shag Alley, if you believed the rumours. But it was broad daylight. Surely no one would be so reckless as to be doing anything there now.
I shifted position to get a better look. Someone was obviously taking an opportunity for one last hook-up before school was over. I trained my ear to see if I could hear anything.
‘I’m going to miss you,’ a deep voice said.
‘Me too,’ came the reply.
Then silence.
I peered through some low-lying branches and my heart plummeted. His back was to me, but I knew it was him. Shirtsleeves rolled up, showcasing his tanned, muscular arms. A hint of his saint’s-name necklace peeking out from the collar of his shirt. His head was tilted, and when the other person came into view, it was obvious what they were doing. Kissing.
As their bodies turned, I had a side-on view of them together. I was transfixed. It was voyeuristic but I couldn’t help it. They rested their foreheads together and appeared lost in the very essence of each other. Then their lips were touching again. It was mesmerising watching them. It hadn’t been like that when we kissed. This had more emotion, more depth. It was slow and sensual. Tongues not afraid to explore. I knew I should look away now. Or at the very least feel hurt? Angry?
Their hands roamed freely over each other’s bodies. There was a tenderness mixed with a sense of urgency, as if they were trying to squeeze in a lifetime of lust into these precious moments.
The button of Nik’s jeans was popped open, a zip pulled down, a hand slipped inside. A groan, a wanton guttural sound, exploded from his mouth before their lips locked again. A tongue on his neck – his head thrown back as if he had wanted this all his life.
The release came and Nik’s hands hit the wall – teeth biting down on his bottom lip.
‘You have no idea how much I am going to miss you.’ Nik grinned broadly.
He laid a chaste kiss on the other person’s lips.
His lips. Mateo’s lips. The Spanish exchange student.
‘Now it’s your turn,’ Nik said, his voice laced with a teasing tone.
A twig snapped beneath my foot, and they turned their heads. I hadn’t realised I had moved away from the tree and was standing in full view.
‘Lina,’ Nik said, pulling up the zip of his jeans and wiping his hand across his lips. ‘It’s not what you think.’
Mateo smirked. He knew all too well it was exactly what it looked like. He grabbed his school bag and blew a kiss to Nik. ‘Hasta luego,’ he said and walked back in the direction of school.
Nik stood straight in front of me and tried to grab both of my hands, but I shook his hold away and folded my arms.
‘Listen,’ he said, clutching his hands together as if he was praying, ‘please, I beg you. Don’t tell anyone.’ His face contorted in agony. ‘I’m sorry, really I am. It’s just …’ His cheeks flushed and he ran a hand through his hair. ‘I’m confused, really confused. But no one can know. I didn’t mean to hurt you. The other night was … great. I mean, I’m not sure if it was for you but … the truth is, I like you, a lot, only I’m not sure I like you in that way. I know it was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have let things get that far with you. Only … I’ve been having these … other … feelings for a while. And …’
He bit his bottom lip again. Hard. Those lips I had fantasised about kissing for so long. My first crush. My first everything. This conversation felt surreal. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel.
‘I kept telling myself it was wrong,’ he continued. ‘It couldn’t be – I couldn’t be like that. But I can’t lead you on, I know that. I was going to tell you, I promise.’
What could I say? Had he led me on or was it me that had thrown myself at him? Had I taken advantage?
‘Ta gámisa,’ he mumbled under his breath, and I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. He was being unbelievably hard on himself. He hadn’t fucked up. He didn’t know who he was or how to be who he wanted to be. And I couldn’t even imagine how hard that must be – having to hide who you really are.
‘It’s fine,’ I said finally, taking hold of his hands, forcing him to look me in the eyes. ‘Honestly it is. Your secret is safe with me.’
Chapter 26
Now we are twenty-eight
I lay in a pool of perspiration, the thin cotton sheet clinging to me. The humidity had hovered in the nineties all night and early-morning light was now spilling through the gap in the blinds.
The air-conditioning unit had come to a spluttering stop in the night. I had fiddled with the remote, but to no avail. Had I put it on a timer by accident? I hadn’t wanted to wake Ash to ask him to fix it. He needed his sleep. His whole schedule was completely out of sync with mine. He blamed the Asian markets which he had to be up for. But it seemed he needed to be awake for all global markets. I couldn’t shake this feeling that he was avoiding me again like the first week here in Cyprus. He had made me breakfast, lunch and dinner and hadn’t sat with me for any meals all week.
My wound was healing, and I was feeling twitchy. I wanted to do something. Anything. Go sightseeing, see more of the island. But a part of me was afraid. I hadn’t received any more texts from the unknown number, nor had I told Ash about the ‘GO HOME’ message.
What did it matter now anyway? Ash had booked me on a flight back to Birmingham tomorrow with his flight to Mumbai leaving later on. That was it. Our time was coming to an end. A longing sat heavy in my chest, a need to say something to him before we said goodbye; but the words hadn’t formed clearly in my mind, nor had I had any opportunity to catch him when he wasn’t working.
I lowered my shorts and peeled back the edge of my plaster. I clenched my teeth and ripped it off, wincing at the pain. But the discomfort was only momentary. I had been told to keep the wound covered and dry for a few days and that time had passed. So now? Now I was aching to go in the water. It had been tempting me all week. I had lain in the hammock reading and watching movies and letting the sun cover my skin with warmth, but I longed to dive into the sea.
Stepping outside my room, I stretched my arms into the air, my vest top riding up my body. It was certainly cooler out in the living room. Why hadn’t I come and slept on the sofa last night?
The clock on the wall signalled it was almost six. I yawned. I needed coffee but the view outside was breathtaking. A burst of orange was creeping over the horizon.
I pulled open the doors and slipped onto the deck, heading straight for the sand. The morning breeze tickled my bare arms and legs. I hugged myself tightly. I didn’t want to leave this. But what was this? This wasn’t my life. It was a fantasy, being here, being cared for by Ash. Besides, I didn’t need looking after. What I needed was something I had never had before.
I turned to see Ash far in the distance running along the beach. My hair whipped my cheeks and I struggled to pull it back from my face.
He came to a halt, breathing heavily, his naked chest glistening with sweat. ‘What are you doing up?’ he panted, his hands on his hips, bent forward as he struggled to regain his breath.
‘I couldn’t sleep. The air-con unit broke in the middle of the night.’
He stood up. ‘You should’ve woken me.’
‘I didn’t want to disturb you. You probably get … what? … five hours’ sleep at most. Do you always run in the morning?’
He nodded. ‘Yup. Best way to start the day.’ He swiped his hand across his forehead as the sweat continued to pour off his face.
‘I’d rather swim,’ I said.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’
I cheekily pulled down my shorts to reveal my scar. ‘I took the plaster off. So technically it is a great idea.’ I took a couple of steps backwards before breaking into a run.
‘You shouldn’t be running, Lina,’ he called after me.
‘I’m fine,’ I screamed as I made my way to the waves, turning back to see that same concerned look on his face, the one he had worn every moment I moved the last few days.
‘Come and catch me if you’re so worried.’ I giggled and tripped as my feet made contact with the sea, sending me tumbling towards the water. Wet sand coated my legs. I lay back and let the waves wash over me. It felt amazing.
Ash stood over me, his eyebrows knotted. ‘Are you OK?’
‘I’m fine, Ash. I’m not made of porcelain.’ I pulled myself up, kicking the water at him, soaking his shorts and realising that my top had become completely see-through.
‘OK, now you’re asking for it.’ He had a twinkle in his eye as he lunged towards me, sweeping me up in his arms. I wriggled in his hold, but he was much too strong for me to break free.
He walked into the waves until the water was waist high and counted to three before throwing me into the air.
I resurfaced, spitting out what felt like a gallon of water. ‘That’s it! You are in serious trouble now.’
He laughed and dived in. I waited for him to pop his head up, but when he did, he was far away. I had to wade in further and further to try and reach him.
