Broken to belong, p.5
Broken to Belong, page 5
I let out a small laugh. “So true.”
“The Way …” she looked down. “Sounds like things are getting worse from what I heard today.”
“Yeah, that’s what Rachel said. Don’t let them get to you, Dani.”
“I’m trying.” She turned the corner of her mouth upward.
We reached the grove of trees and looked up at the hanging Spanish moss—one thing I loved about the Deep South, but in that moment, it made me miss the mountains.
“I talked with my parents today, and I’m thinking about going home for a weekend soon. Maybe the weekend after the benefit show, just to get away from everything.” I looked toward Dani.
“That’s great. I know you said that helps you.” Dani smiled sideways at me, and I stopped walking.
“Well actually, this might sound kind of strange, but my mom wondered if you might like to come, too? She’d really like to meet you and thought you might like to see the mountains. It’s about four hours from here. We would take my truck.” It slipped out of my mouth before I could stop myself. “I mean, I would like it, too, if you’re up for it.”
Dani smiled and shook her head. “It’s not that strange. And, yeah—I would love that. Count me in.”
“It’s a plan.” I grinned at Dani and looked into her eyes.
We finished out our walk, then I got my helmet and headed back home.
All the way home, I imagined how it would be to bring Dani home to see where I came from, to meet my family, and to have more time to talk with each other. I tried to focus on the road, but I couldn’t get the way she looked at me out of my head.
Five
Dani
Just as I was starting to feel settled, harsh reality smacked us all in the face.
On a stormy Thursday afternoon, Kyle didn’t show up for group. Ja’Marcus checked the room they shared, but there was no sign of him or where he could be. Mae decided to cancel the meeting and look for Kyle around the house. They were still unable to find him, so Mae came to the office where I was talking with Rachel and Anita about the benefit show.
When Mae knocked on the door frame, I turned around and noticed her pale face.
“Hey, we … um, we can’t find Kyle. We’ve looked all over the house. He’s seemed off lately, and I don’t …” Her voice cracked, and she bit her thumbnail.
“We’ll help you look.” Rachel got out of her chair, and we followed her to the family room. The look in Mae’s eyes and the alarm in her voice brought a pulsing feeling of fear through my arms.
Lightning flashed, and Rachel looked out of the window a second then paced as she spoke. “Anita, call Jesse—I know he’s off tonight, but we need him here. Mae, you and I will take the Ranger out and check around the property. Dani, you and Anita look closer to the house and near the garden. When Jesse gets here, he can stay with the residents. We meet back here in two hours, unless we find him before—and let’s hope we do.”
Anita stepped away to call Jesse, and Mae and Rachel hurried out the back door, into the rain.
I watched them disappear into the gray, and Anita touched my shoulder. “Jesse’s on his way. Let’s go.”
The thunder and lightning soon stopped, but the downpour proved relentless.
I sprinted to the garden area with Anita, and we shouted Kyle’s name while a stream of water ran down our rain jackets and our faces. I wondered if he could even hear us over the storm. With no sign of him, Anita’s eyes widened, and we dashed toward the tree line.
About thirty minutes into our search, Anita’s phone rang and her hands trembled as she looked. “It’s Rachel.”
Anita answered and brought her hand to her mouth as deep lines wrinkled across her forehead, raindrops on her cheeks falling like tears.
She hung up and took off toward the house without a word. I stumbled after, and the knifelike pain of a side stitch stole my breath away. I slipped on the wet grass, and pushed myself back up to run again.
Just as we reached the house, Mae pulled the Ranger near the back door. My ears rang as I looked closer. In the back, Rachel held on to Kyle’s limp body, his t-shirt and jeans soaked through while rain dripped from his hair down his ashen face.
I stood and stared as Anita burst through the back door with a first aid kit and pulled out a small box and pressed it against Kyle’s leg. Mae stepped away and called 911. “There was a bottle in his hand with a couple more pills inside. We just gave him Narcan. He is barely breathing. Please hurry.”
Anita climbed into the back of the Ranger and draped a blanket around Kyle. “Hold on, Kyle. Please just keep breathing.”
Mae came back, her voice shaking. “The ambulance is on the way.”
Rachel nodded at Mae and clung on to Kyle. “Good, thank you.” She closed her eyes and put her head against Kyle’s. “God, please don’t let him die, please.”
A shiver rattled my arms and shoulders, and I rubbed my eyes. It didn’t feel real, yet here I was in the middle of it. The chill of the rain not letting me forget just how real it was.
“Hey,” Mae said and touched my arm. I just shook my head to answer her unspoken question. Are you ok?
The wail of sirens on their way jolted me, and Mae looked toward the drive. “I’m going to run out and meet the ambulance, so they know where to pull around when they get here.” She hurried around the house.
I stepped closer to the Ranger and looked at Kyle. I closed my eyes and silently wondered if I should pray. But the only prayer I knew to pray was with my guitar, and even that was answered with silence most of the time. Instead, I held my arm and watched.
“They’re almost here. Hold on, Kyle.” Anita touched his shoulder.
Within a few minutes, the ambulance arrived. I stood next to Anita and Mae as paramedics worked on Kyle and lifted him into the ambulance. Rachel climbed inside to ride with him to the hospital, then the three of us went back inside the house.
Anita and Mae talked with the other residents, doing their best to console them. Everyone was upset, but Sarah Beth was especially panicked, so Mae took her to another room to talk.
I walked into the kitchen and poured a glass of water. Jesse and the residents had made dinner and left some out for us, but my stomach turned at the sight and smell of food. I stepped back into the hallway and breathed in for two counts and out for three.
“Any word?” Jesse walked into the hall and asked me.
I just stood there and shook my head, unable to speak. He found Anita, and I tried to ignore the muffled sounds of them talking while I stared out across the darkening landscape. The rain and the coming of nighttime swallowed the gilded fields.
Over the next few hours, Jesse and Anita encouraged the residents to get some sleep while we paced the living room, standing by for more word from Rachel. Mae stayed silent as she stared out of the window. The rain eventually stopped sometime after 2AM, and I went outside to the porch to get some air and sat down at the wicker table. I held my hands over my face and heard someone walking over.
“Are you ok, honey?” Anita touched my shoulder as she walked by me and took a seat.
“I will be.” I rubbed my eyes and looked over at Anita and whispered, “Thanks.”
Within a few minutes, the screen door cracked open, and Jesse leaned out. “Hey, Anita. Rachel is on the phone. The doctor says Kyle’s going to be ok. But you were right—overdose. She wants to talk with you about the plan for the next few days.”
Anita sighed and wiped her eyes. “Oh thank goodness. I’m on my way.” She got up to go inside.
I strained to push myself up from my seat at the table, and I shuffled over to the banister. The darkness around teemed with crickets and tree frogs, and the occasional hoot of an owl. A light breeze blew in the cooler air that came behind the rain, and I held my arms close to me.
I heard the screen door open and close gently, and I was too tired to turn around to see who was coming outside. A light blanket draped over my shoulders, and I turned my head to see Mae.
“You want to sit down a minute?” She put her hand on my back. I nodded, and we walked over to the porch swing and sat down.
We swung for a few minutes in silence, and I rubbed the space between my eyebrows.
“Dani, he’s going to be ok.”
“I know, but I just can’t shake the feeling that …” I started, unable to finish, and Mae put her hand on my knee. I looked at her. “Maybe I’m in the way or caused this somehow. Maybe cause I’m here, it made everyone miss it.”
“What? You’re not in the way, and this has nothing to do with your being here.” Mae looked at me with a soft yet steady gaze.
I reached over and pulled one side of my blanket around her shoulders. We sat on the swing in silence for a few minutes, the sound of the chain rattling and groaning from time to time.
“Kyle reminds me of me. Of what happened …” I held my head down.
Mae touched my hand.
“I used to get pills from people, when my parents kicked me out. I would stay with friends and eat their food, sleep on their couches, and raid their medicine cabinets at night.” I shifted and focused on the boards of the porch floor.
Mae leaned her head over on my shoulder. We stayed that way for a while, and after a few minutes, her soft voice broke the silence. “I’m glad you’re ok. And so sorry you had to live through that.”
I reached for her hand and held on. We stayed in the swing a little longer, and then decided we had better head inside. Everyone had fallen asleep. Some in their rooms, some on the couches and chairs.
Mae walked toward the hall for her helmet.
“What are you doing?” I whispered. “Just stay. It’s too late to go home—you have to be too tired to drive home safely.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t think there’s any room, Dani. Besides, I’ll be ok.”
“There’s one place. Come upstairs with me.” I reached for her hand, and we walked upstairs to my room. I flicked on the desk lamp, and quietly shut the door behind us.
I let her borrow some of my clothes to sleep in, and she changed in the bathroom while I put on a sleep shirt and shorts.
As we lay next to each other, I scrolled for a song to help me relax, and I landed on Eva Cassidy’s “Over the Rainbow.”
Mae looked over at the screen. “Mind if I listen, too? I could use the help to shut off my brain, and I don’t think anything could beat Eva’s voice.”
I pulled the earbuds from the jack and turned down the volume as low as I could so we could still hear, and we listened together.
After the song had ended, I turned off the light, and without a word, we held on to each other as we fell asleep in the deep watches of the night.
Mae
I woke up the next morning to Dani setting a mug of coffee on the nightstand next to where I was sleeping. I looked up and rolled on my back so I could see her better as my eyes came into focus. The shimmering light of the morning sun fell across her hair, bringing out the subtle auburns and coppers.
“Hey, good morning.” She knelt down and smiled at me. “Most everyone is still asleep. Anita is up and getting some things out to make breakfast. I’m going to change and go help her.”
I sat up and took my mug.
“What time is it?”
“It’s about eight. Anita talked to Rachel, and she’s going to stay at the hospital until Kyle is fully awake, and then Jesse is going to go sit with him a while so Rachel can go home and get some sleep.”
I stared off into the distance. The haze from barely sleeping combined with the close call made it hard to think.
Dani touched my back. “Hey, why don’t you lie back down? I just couldn’t sleep, but if you can, you should. I’m sure you’re tired.” She reached across me and pushed my hair back behind my ear.
“Ok, I’ll try.” I rubbed my eyes.
I put my mug back on the nightstand and settled down on the pillow and closed my eyes. I heard Dani get clothes from the closet and go to the bathroom to change. She came back out and pulled the blanket up over my shoulder before she left.
I lay there with my eyes closed, and Dani’s face stayed at the front of my mind. Her closeness felt warm and reassuring, I thought. But it’s too soon. I have to guard both of our hearts. I lay there a few more minutes, trying to go back to sleep, but I soon realized it was pointless. I got up and changed back into my clothes from the day before, and picked up my coffee to head downstairs.
When I walked into the kitchen, Anita stood at the stove, frying bacon, and Dani was finishing up with mixing a batter in front of the waffle iron. I walked behind her to get to the coffee pot and put my hand on her back as I passed. I made eye contact with Anita and she raised her eyebrow at me.
I mouthed the words “stop it” and tried to stop smiling. Thank God for Anita and her sense of humor.
I emptied the coffee pot into the carafe and ground some fresh beans for the new brew.
“That’s the best smell,” Dani said.
“You ain’t lyin’!” Anita answered, and we all chuckled a little.
Within an hour, the kids started coming downstairs, so we took the food to the big table in the dining room. All around the table, there were yawns and stretches in place of the normal morning hustle and bustle. After a quiet breakfast, we told the residents to take it easy that day and just get some more rest.
I helped clean up and said goodbye to Dani as she went upstairs to shower. Before I went home to freshen up, I talked with Anita to make a plan for processing what had happened. We decided to talk with the residents more at group and let everyone talk over dinner, too.
After we got our plan, Anita closed her notebook and peered at me.
“Ok, now let’s talk about last night and where you were,” she smirked.
“What? Ok, seriously?” I shook my head. She lifted her brow to give me “the look,” and I knew from experience that she was never going to give up.
“Nothing happened. I slept in Dani’s room …” My face got hot and stretched into an automatic smile. “I mean we slept in each other’s arms. But there was nothing to it. I’m still keeping my distance, or trying to anyway.” Trying was the word. I stared off as I thought more about it.
She belly laughed then looked at me with a big grin, but her smile faded and she looked to the side for a minute then back at me. “Are you ok? I mean with what happened with Kyle?”
My throat tightened as I pictured his limp body lying on the ground, being soaked by the rain. Picking him up and lifting him required all the strength Rachel and I could muster. But it wasn’t just what happened to him. Memories of what had happened before caused my eyes to sting. Memories I had tried to bury with my work to help others.
I looked at Anita and nodded my head. I don’t have a choice. I have to be ok, I said to myself.
Anita sighed and touched my hand. “I know it probably brings up …”
“I’ll be ok,” I whispered. “I know you know where it takes me.”
“Of course, I do, and you know I’m right here.”
“What about you, Anita? How’re you holding up?”
“That was a close call. The closest we’ve ever had. I just can’t shake that image of Kyle lying there soaking wet and breathless. I’m just glad we found him in time.”
I touched Anita’s hand. “Me, too.”
We sat outside together a little while longer. Then, I went in to get my helmet so I could go home to shower and change. As I rode home, the sun peeked through the clouds, shooting little shafts of light down from the sky and across the field.
When I got back, it was time for group. All of the kids talked about their worries—not just for Kyle to get better, but also that they didn’t see it coming. That they thought it had just been Kyle being Kyle.
“I know. We all did,” was the best answer I could give them. I missed it, too. Again.
After group, we all gathered around the table for dinner. It wasn’t as noisy as usual, as the residents talked to each other in quieter voices than normal. Dani took a seat next to me, and I scanned her face to gauge how she was. She smiled at me.
I leaned over and said into her ear, “Short walk after supper?”
She whispered back into my ear, “You bet.”
Rachel came in soon, and the room got quiet as she sat at the end of the table. She looked at the residents and clasped her hands in front of her face, as if in prayer.
“Everyone in this room has had some time when we’ve felt alone or scared or helpless. And all of us know what it’s like to be judged and to have someone look down their nose at you because of who you are or who you love.”
She paused a moment to take a deep breath.
“But we also know what it’s like to find family, and we have each other to thank for that. That’s why we are here. That’s why we will continue to be here. Come hell or high water or overdoses or whatever else.” She swallowed then looked at everyone.
“When I started this home, it was because of people like you. People like me. People like Kyle. People who need a place to belong. And all of you are what make the family. Our family. And I’m thankful for all of you. I don’t say it enough. And this is what will help Kyle the most right now, sticking together.” She took Anita’s hand on one side and Sara Beth’s on the other, and we all followed, taking each other’s hands for a moment.
I clung to Dani’s hand, and I hoped she was ok. Her fingers lingered on my hand as we let go.
After dinner, Dani helped with cleanup and then met me outside on the porch to take a walk together.
“What a week. I bet you're glad it’s Friday,” she said to me with a half-smile.
“Yesss I am actually. How about you? Are you feeling a little better?” I glanced over at her.
“Yeah, I think so. I’m just still tired. I think I just need to breathe.” She put her hands in her pockets.
I watched her walk with her head hanging down and pushed her hair behind one ear. The rosy light of the setting sun met the outline of her face, caressing the edge of her cheek with light and warmth. I could hardly bear to look away.
