A brutal betrayal, p.3
A Brutal Betrayal, page 3
“I’m not saying you don’t need help. But Megan, you are only twenty-three, why do you want a serious relationship? You have time to experience these things.”
“It’s not the relationship that I care about so much as the ability to have one.”
“You clearly have no issues speaking with a guy. And you are very attractive. I don’t see you really having a problem going on a few dates here and there. And maybe, after being comfortable enough with a guy you know well, you might be able to take things to the next level with him.”
“You sound like you don’t really want me to be here.”
“No, on the contrary. I don’t want to just listen and have you tell me your problems. I want you to explain them to me so that not only do I get them, but maybe I can ask the right question to get you to think of things in a different way.”
“Hmm, I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of time to think of things. I doubt you will be able to get me to think differently.”
“Then why are you here?”
“So that I can get over my fear of intimacy.”
“You know those people who love to put pressure on a wound so that they get used to the pain?” She nodded. “It sounds like that’s what you want. I can walk over to you and hold your hand until you finally lose all fight and become okay with it, but what good did that do? You got used to me, and maybe only me, touching your hand. I want to get to the bottom of things so that it isn’t just that you become used to my touch, but rather that you want me to touch you, and maybe even one day, desire it.” Declan swallowed hard, realizing the intimacy in his words. Her lips had parted slightly, and her eyes were locked on his, signaling that the insinuation was not lost on her either. He couldn’t look away, didn’t want to, but the reasonable part of his brain was worried he had pushed her too far and made her uncomfortable with his words. He looked away first, breaking whatever spell he had cast.
He cleared his throat before attempting to divert the conversation back. “So, uh, you understand what I am saying now, right?” She nodded in response, her eyes lowered so he was staring at her impossibly long eyelashes. So many inappropriate thoughts ran through his mind, and he needed to push them back. “Please answer my question, Megan.” It was a plea almost as much as it was his way to get them back on track. “You can talk to guys, you can flirt with them. Why can’t you go on a date with them?”
“I can flirt with people I’m comfortable with. Like you, for example, because I know you are trained at what you do and won’t overstep any boundaries.” He flinched internally at her choice of words. “But the thought of going on a date with someone I don’t know, being in a setting where anything can happen, causes me to stress out. I need to know what is going to happen, and there is no assurance of that with a random guy. I want to be able to do that, to throw caution to the wind and have fun.”
“Why?”
“Why what? Why do I want to have fun? Because I’m not normal and I want to be!” she cried out in frustration.
“Back to normal, huh? What’s normal? Who says dating the entire football team is normal? Who says being cautious and guarding yourself from the potential dangers isn’t normal?”
“Because you only live once and I’ve already wasted a good chunk of my life not living.”
“Ah. You want to live,” he stated, trying hard to keep the smug look of satisfaction at chipping away a layer off his face.
“Of course.”
“No, Megan, you don’t hear yourself. You don’t want to go out and date because you want to date. You want to go out and do that because it’s part of life. A life you haven’t been active in. I bet if we really took a look at things, you’d say there are plenty of other things you want to accomplish but are too afraid to do. You probably never realized they were related.”
She stared at him as if he had grown two horns. It was moments like this he wished he had the ability to read minds. Did he scare her off? Did he get it wrong? Why was she looking at him like that? She put her head down, and he felt like an ass. He knew what he had done was right, getting her to see the bigger picture. Yes, she was scared of intimacy, but it wasn’t just that. She was scared of life. She was passing through it with the skills she “got used to.” He wanted more for her, and it was on a deeper level than just as a patient. This beautiful woman with a quiet vibrancy shouldn’t be hidden beneath layers of pain and hurt. She should be out in the world making a statement. And he wanted to be a part of it.
“Megan, please look at me.” She lifted her head, and he saw the lone tear trail down her cheek. He couldn’t help the instinct to get up and go to her. When he sat next to her, she flinched, so he scooted away a bit. He took a tissue and held his hand near her face, searching her eyes for permission and when she lowered her head minutely, he pressed the tissue to her cheek. “Why the tears?” he asked. He was so close, yet so far, and he felt the warmth radiating from her; it felt nice. He couldn’t deny that.
“Because you are right, and I just realized it. I’m afraid of so much more than I thought I knew.”
“That’s nothing to cry about. That just means you are stronger than you thought because you’ve been able to survive even though your mind has been telling you not to.”
She gave him a weak smile.
“I have an assignment for you this week,” he announced, giving her a huge smile and finally pulling away from her cheek. He felt the loss instantly, but it didn’t matter.
“Oh? It’s not going to involve me and some back alley creeps, is it?”
“No,” he chuckled. “I want you to come up with two memories. One before your…before what happened to you.” He couldn’t say it. He should be able to, but something about the vulnerability in her eyes and body made him hesitate before saying rape. “And another memory after. Each one has to be about you doing something daring. It could be as crazy as skydiving or as simple as going on a rollercoaster if you were afraid of them. But when you think about each memory, I want you to think about how you felt while you were in the moment, how you told yourself it was okay. I want you to see if there were any differences between the thought processes. When you come back next week, I want to know what they are, and we’ll talk about even miniscule differences that are identified. Don’t worry, Megan. We’ll bring you back to the land of the living.” This time she smiled, and it was full of hope as she nodded in agreement. She could do this. They could do this.
Chapter 5
Declan had the next hour off. He sat on the couch where Megan had been sitting. After she left, he had somehow ended up there. He leaned his head back to ponder what had just transpired. He had felt close to her. Not physically, it was almost like there was something inside her that he wanted to heal with just his touch. He couldn’t understand it, and he couldn’t comprehend it. Sure, she is beautiful and yes, she is damaged, but why do I feel a pull toward her like she is the sun? He rationalized that it was because she was his first rape case and there was something so heart wrenching about being violated like that. He dealt with people straight from the Army who had seen their friends die. Who had seen such atrocious things that it kept them up at night. But when you go into war, you expect that. It didn’t make it right, but it was something that wasn’t surprising. However, when you were the one who had been turned inside out, against your will, the vulnerability that came from that wasn’t the endearing kind. It was the kind that made anyone around you want to be there for you, walk on eggshells around you, shelter you, and comfort you. And that was exactly what Declan wanted for Megan.
He wanted to help her in a way he didn’t even fully understand. He just knew he needed to help her break free from the chains that were surrounding her. She had been stuck inside herself for too long. It wasn’t fair. She hadn’t asked for that. She hadn’t signed up for it. It wasn’t genetic or environmental. He would help her if it was the last thing he did.
He had given her an assignment. Remember a time when she dared herself to do something she was scared to do. He closed his eyes and smiled as a memory filtered in.
“Come on, Dec,” Lucas called out. “Everyone’s already waiting for us.”
Lucas was two years older than Declan. He loved to point that out, but two years was actually the perfect age gap. It was just enough so that Lucas could assert himself as the big brother and look out for Declan the way Lucas knew how. But it was small enough that Declan never felt anything other than equal, except maybe when Lucas was being overprotective.
Declan had been a really good kid, even as a teenager. He had followed all his parents’ rules, got good grades, and hung out with the right kids. It was pretty easy to do all that when his parents were easygoing, especially if Lucas was involved. As good as Declan was, Lucas was better. He was literally the golden child. One would think that would make Declan jealous or envious, but it actually didn’t. He looked up to Lucas, aspired to be like him. And Lucas was truly an amazing big brother. Wherever he went, he took Declan with him. Whenever Declan was supposed to get in trouble, Lucas finagled for him. Declan knew he was lucky; most of his friends fought like they were professional MMA fighters when it came to their siblings. But not them. Sure, they had some arguments and didn’t get along all the time. Like when Lucas dated Crystal Hitchings when he was sixteen—Declan didn’t like having to take a backseat to that relationship. But it was never anything they couldn’t resolve.
Declan was sixteen and Lucas was eighteen, and this was the last summer they had together before Lucas up and moved to college. Declan was proud of Lucas, but he was going to miss him like crazy. He was leaving in a few weeks, and Lucas decided it was time for Declan to make the jump, literally.
Lucas and his friends had been jumping from the cliffs into the water below, a jump that looked about a hundred feet tall to Declan, but was probably only about ten or fifteen feet, depending on where you jumped from. Declan always went with them, but his little secret was that he was afraid to do it. He was afraid of heights, to some extent, but he would have forced himself to push through that and jump a long time ago. It was the irrational fear that he was going to somehow manage to be the only person to land on a jagged rock that no one could see under the water and die. There were no jagged rocks, Lucas had assured him several times, but it didn’t stop Declan from hesitating. So what did Lucas do? He told all their friends that he threatened Declan with bodily harm and ratting to his parents about his little not-so-innocent magazine collection. He said it was because he wouldn’t be able to handle it if something happened to Declan and it was his fault. The guys ended up making fun of Lucas instead of Declan. Telling him he was overprotective and crazy and nothing would happen to Declan, but Lucas didn’t care. Declan would have been ridiculed for being scared, so this was his solution. See? Amazing big brother.
But now, Lucas was leaving, and he wouldn’t be able to protect Declan. So, he spent a few weeks convincing Declan it would be okay. They even took a few trips to the cliffs without anyone so Lucas could walk him through it.
“You are going to be fine,” Lucas said. “Do you trust me?” he asked.
“Of course, but Luc, if I chicken out and everyone is watching, I’ll be screwed,” Declan whined.
“If anyone dares to say anything, they’ll have to answer to me, and whether I’m here or not in a few weeks won’t matter. I’ll make them pay regardless. Besides, you can do this. I know you can. You are going to be great. And you’ll show them all what you are made of.”
Declan nodded even though his mind was screaming no.
“So, you finally decided to let the little bro off the leash?” asked James, one of their friends.
“Yeah, I figured he was going to try this shit once I left anyways, I might as well be here to watch him do it so that if something goes wrong, at least I can be there to help,” Lucas responded.
“Luc, you’re such a dumb shit,” Brad added. “We’ve been doing this for how long? And nothing has ever happened to us. Why you would force your brother to sit on the sidelines and just watch all these years is beyond me.” He walked over to Declan and put his arm around his shoulders. “Don’t worry, Dec. Once Lucas leaves, we won’t hold you to his stupid rules. And I won’t even tell your parents about the Playboy magazines you have hidden…well, as long as you share, of course.” He laughed, and Declan swallowed hard before nodding.
He turned to Lucas. “You sure I can do this Luc?” He made it seem like he was getting permission rather than confirmation that he was brave enough.
“Yeah, my reign is over. It’s your turn, little bro.” Lucas smiled, walking over to Declan and patting him on the back. He got close and whispered in his ear, “Just step off, that’s all you have to do. You don’t even have to look down. It’s a few seconds, and then you’ll feel the water splash, and it’s the best feeling. I promise.”
Declan nodded and walked over to the edge. “Jump, man!” James yelled.
“Nah, if I’m letting him do this, he’s at least got to be cautious his first time,” Lucas retorted. Declan was grateful. He also felt a little bit like a pussy, but what could he do. He knew his fear was stupid, but it was something he was about to overcome.
He looked down, swallowed again, and told himself it was nothing. Then he closed his eyes and stepped off. And moments later, he felt the water surrounding him, cooling his heated skin. It felt great, it felt refreshing. He swam to the surface and looked around, there were no rocks, and there were no dangers. It was just him and the pale blue water. What the hell had been wrong with him? This was amazing! He looked up to see the smiling faces of his friends, clapping as if he’d just performed an incredible feat, but the face he searched for was Lucas’. And he was beaming, smiling from ear to ear like a proud mama bear. It warmed his heart as he swam to the shore.
“So, Dec, how was it?” Lucas called out.
“Can I do it again?” he responded between laughter.
“Sure, now that you’ve done it, I guess there is nothing I can say. You might as well make up for lost time.” And that was exactly what he did. By the end of the day, he was jumping backwards, spinning, and splashing.
When they were on the way home, Declan turned to Lucas. “Thank you.”
“I know.”
He always did. That had been one of his favorite days.
Chapter 6
“So, Megan, I believe I gave you a homework assignment.” Declan smiled as Megan was sitting down opposite him.
“I thought I was past all that once I finished school.” She laughed. It was a nice sound. It didn’t sound forced but instead sounded lyrical. His smile grew a touch without him even noticing.
“Now, that’s nonsense. We never outgrow homework. Sometimes we call it work. And who do you think will help your kids when you have a family?”
He saw her smile falter at the mention of a family. Instinct, or maybe something deeper, had him reaching over and putting his hand lightly on her leg. She drew in a breath, but at least she didn’t flinch. That was already a vast improvement.
“You will have a family. You will date and find the right guy, and he’ll treat you right. You’ll get married and have a great big wedding with a puffy gown and then two screaming kids who you’ll want to kill at first, but then you’ll adore them and teach them everything you know.”
Megan looked up at Declan, her eyes glassy, but he saw determination there and noticed that his hand was still on her leg. He gingerly removed it as she spoke. “You sound like you have some experience there,” she smirked, clearly breaking herself from her own self-pity thoughts.
“Nah, but I do have cable and a mom who loves romance and seems to think I like hearing about the latest movies she’s watched.”
That brought a smile back to Megan’s face.
“Well, then I hope her belief in romance is more than just a fantasy. And I hope you are right.”
“I know I am. That’s why you pay me the big bucks.” He laughed. They were silent a moment and then Declan spoke. “Okay, but no getting out of it. I gave you an assignment.”
“I guess you did.” She replied shyly.
“So?”
“So…”
“What’s wrong?” Declan asked, concern starting to kick in.
“I’m lame.”
“Well, that’s not something I’m usually told by my patients.” He chuckled. “I’ve heard depressing, insane, and even awesome. Although, I’m pretty sure he was being sarcastic when he said that, but I don’t believe I’ve ever heard someone call themselves lame. So what exactly is the issue?”
“My daring feats? Well, they are lame.” Her voice was timid, expressing her obvious worry about what he thought.
“It’s not about what you did, it’s about how you did it. How you faced your fear.” He reminded her.
“Okay, fine, but don’t laugh.”
“Scout’s honor,” Declan mused.
“Were you even a Scout?”
“Nope.” He laughed.
“You’re laughing,” Megan pointed out, amusement lightening up her tone
“Well, I did say I wasn’t a Scout.”
“This is nice,” Megan said quietly as if she was afraid the moment would disappear once she acknowledged it out loud.
“What is?”
“Being able to just sit and laugh and talk with you like we’re longtime friends.” There was a longing in her voice that made Declan feel for her.
“We are friends.”
“No, you’re my therapist,” she stated dryly.
“That’s my job, Megan, but that’s not who I am. I am a person, first and foremost. And as a person, I like bantering with you.”
She lowered her head, and there was a sudden awkward silence that took over the room. Declan opened his mouth to speak, not really knowing what to say, but Megan cut him off, “Rabbits.”
“Huh?” Way to sound professional, Declan scolded himself.
“When I was a kid, one of my cousins told me that they had a pet rabbit that ended up going crazy and eating and killing his rabbit friend. He told me a bunch of gruesome details that turned out to be complete and utter bullshit, but I didn’t know that at the time. I was only like eight or something. And so, it stuck. I was scared of those cute, little fuzzy rabbits. It wasn’t a problem for a few years because come on, how often do you see rabbits, right? But then, when I was fourteen, I had a friend who invited me over to her house and lo and behold, she had a pet bunny. When I saw that thing, I freaked out. I mean, I went ballistic. I think I was screaming, ‘Don’t let it eat me’ at the top of my lungs, and I ran out of there like I was on fire. It could have been really bad for me at school if my friend had turned on me and told everyone what a freak I was, but instead, I got lucky, and she followed me out and tracked me down until I told her everything. She laughed. She laughed her head off while I sat there trembling.
