Hush my darling, p.1
Hush My Darling, page 1
Copyright © 2023 by Danielle Haas
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously , and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locals is entirely coincidental.
Cover created by Deranged Doctor Designs.
A Danielle M Haas Publishing Book
Hush My Darling
To anyone who has taken a step outside their comfort zone to try something new.
CONTENTS
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Danielle Haas
1
The faint rustling of movement reached Vivian Walker’s ears. The baby was waking. She stifled a groan as the sweet oblivion of sleep slipped slowly away. The exact time was unknown, but it was always too early to welcome a new day with false enthusiasm and happiness.
Yet that’s what every day had been like since Tabitha’s birth two months before. Exhaustion weighed Vivian down day after day, along with the constant fear she was disappointing both her infant daughter and three-year-old son. Each day she vowed to try harder.
Try harder to find joy in the small things, try harder to not let the ear-piercing wails of her baby drive her to the brink of insanity, try harder not to crave crawling back into her bed and escaping into the darkness.
And each day that she tried, she failed.
A soft whimper morphed into an all too familiar scream. A scream that couldn’t be ignored. Tabitha needed fed, and her insistent cries made Vivian’s breasts fill with milk. She winced as the increasing heaviness became painful.
Vivian sucked back the tears that threatened to break through as she opened her eyes and prepared to face the day with all the mounting pressures of life.
The bang of a door against the wall erupted into the room.
She shot up, securing the soft sheet against her throbbing chest as an erratic rhythm took hold of her heart.
Her husband, Will, emerged from the en suite bathroom with a scowl etched on his lips. He flipped the end of a blue-checked tie through a loop, securing a thick knot at the base of his neck. “If you aren’t going to take care of the baby, why did you want another one so damn badly? Call in the nanny, for Christ’s sake.”
She blinked, giving herself one brief moment to pull herself together. Words and excuses blurred in her sleep-muddled mind. What was the right thing to diffuse his temper and put their day on a good path? This new version of her once-loving husband had her constantly on edge—another person she couldn’t quite get things right with.
Another person she disappointed.
Leaning over to the side-sleeper, she lifted the fussy baby in her arms and snuggled her close before giving the child what she demanded. “I just wasn’t awake yet. Took me a second to get to her.”
Vivian pressed a kiss to Tabby’s forehead, taking a second to inhale the scent that only a new baby possesses—new life mixed with soft, subtle lotions and something unexplainable. Her moss green eyes latched on to Vivian’s. A short-lived beat of joy pulsed inside her.
“I’ve got a lot of meetings today. Not sure when I’ll be home.” Will crossed the room and ran a hand over Tabitha’s soft wisps of hair, jet black like her mother’s.
Their son might resemble the other men of the Walker family, but Vivian delighted in the fact that Tabitha looked just like her. Even down to the subtle flash of dimples in her cheeks. If only the baby smiled more and showed them off.
Vivian nodded, biting back a retort about how he was never home anymore. But peeling back the curtains to her real emotions over Will’s work schedule wouldn’t help anything. The opposite would occur.
She suppressed a sigh. This is what she’d signed up for when she’d married into the Walker family. The plan had always been for Will to take his father’s seat in the senate—a seat a Walker man had occupied for the past five generations—until the death of his father years before. Now it was time to reclaim his destiny.
She fixed a smile on her face. “I hope you have a great day, honey.”
He paused and moved his palm from the baby’s face up to cup her cheek.
She leaned into his touch, yearning for the days when such a simple gesture was a normal part of their morning.
Concern clouded his gray-blue eyes, his brow furrowed creating a ripple of lines along his forehead. “What are your plans for the day?”
Surprise stalled her breath. When was the last time Will cared about what she did with her time—at least time spent away from a camera or campaign events? When was the last time worry shone from those beautiful, vibrant eyes?
Maybe the man she fell in love with was still there, down deep below the family obligations and stress.
“James wants to take a walk around the bluff this morning. I thought I’d take him and the baby. The fresh air will do us all good. Harper might meet us.”
Will dropped his hand, straightening to his full, towering height. “You don’t plan to drive, do you? And make sure you take Sylvie to help with the children. You can’t handle them by yourself. Even if Harper shows up.”
The brief moment of intimacy vanished, the familiar pang of defeat taking its place. It never took long for someone to remind her of the things she couldn’t do—things her epilepsy prevented her from accomplishing. She’d experienced the same crippling doubt from those she loved since childhood—even her own parents had reminded her daily of her limitations. Especially when she couldn’t take the medication that kept her seizures at bay. The dark moments when her body froze and mind went black didn’t happen frequently, but often enough to stop her from living her life to the fullest.
She’d never admit it to anyone, but those dark moments sometimes felt like a brief escape from her overwhelming reality.
“Patrick can drive.” Driving, especially with the children, was way too dangerous. But she wouldn’t mention her plans to have Sylvie stay home. The nanny hovered around her like she was a fragile piece of glass that would break with the slightest gust of wind.
The same way her parents and everyone else had looked at her for her entire life.
James burst into the room with a wide grin on his beautiful face and a smear of strawberry jam along his cheek. “Mama! Dada!”
A wide smile transformed Will into the young man she’d fallen in love with, joy softening the lines of his face and hoarse laughter filling the air. He bent and scooped the little boy into his arms, quickly turning James upside down to hang like a monkey from his forearm.
Giggles reached her ears and transported her back to a simpler time—a time when they were a family of three, when she didn’t obsess over her son’s inability to say more than the two words he’d squealed when entering the room, when loss hadn’t ripped an irreparable hole in her heart.
She wanted to close her eyes and ingrain this moment in her mind to replay during the moments when life seemed too much to bear, but she couldn’t take her eyes off the easy fun between father and son.
Tabitha squirmed in her arms then let out an earsplitting wail that halted the carefree moment. Will placed James on his feet. James sidled against Vivian’s side of the bed, his little arm wrapped around her waist as if wanting to protect her.
“I’ve got to run. Be careful today.” Will’s gruff words were a command, not a note of concern for her safety.
She readjusted Tabitha until the baby was content, eating her breakfast once again. “I’m always careful.” The pathetic statement was the best she could do, the only glimmer of rebellion left in her.
Will leveled his stare on her and pressed his lips together. “We both know what can happen. Even when you try your hardest. Make sure Sylvie is with you. I’ll let Mother know your plans.”
She dipped her head, shielding the expression she couldn’t hide. She wouldn’t agree to his request or respond to his remark about his mother. Why Lilith Walker needed to know her every move was a constant source of discord between them.
A quick glance out the door showed the nanny exactly where she was every morning. Waiting in the hall, knowing at some point, Vivian would need assistance to deal with her own children.
But not today. Today she would do something she loved with both of her kids. She would take them on a walk to breathe in the fall, Connecticut air and shower them with love and attention, giving them everything they needed.
All she needed was Patrick to get her there.
Being trapped inside the noisy car on the brief ride to James’ favorite walking path would bring grown men to their knees. The cool air kept the screams and demands of the angry baby from escaping out the closed window.
Vivian sat between the two car seats. Desperation clawed her insides, but nothing she did made Tabitha happy. Frustration tightened her muscles, and it took all her willpower to not lash out.
Giving up, she raked her hands over her face.
“Kids can be difficult, but you got this, Ms. You’re tougher than you think.” The kindness in Patrick’s voice had her dropping her hands.
She locked her gaze with his for a beat in the rearview mirror. “Thank you for that. Sometimes I think I must be the only mother in the world who can’t calm her own child.”
“Nah. Trust me. We’ve all been there. My little Tess was a pistol, always hollering and crying about something. My wife and I held on for dear life, just waiting for the day she’d grow out of it.”
“And did she?”
Patrick chuckled. “She still hollers, but now it’s to demand action in a court room. That little girl of yours will move mountains one day with those lungs.”
Vivian settled against the smooth leather of the seat and linked her fingers with James, who sat with his face turned toward the window. His sister’s cries never rattled him. Her little boy was always calm—always understanding and full of smiles. Which made dealing with a demanding baby even harder, the expectation being all kids were like her first.
She pressed a hand to her still-soft belly. If she hadn’t had her accident, would the second baby she’d carried in her womb have been so high-maintenance?
A burst of guilt exploded in her conscience. Things happened for a reason, and Tabby was the miracle she’d desired for so long. Comparing her to what might have been wasn’t fair to anyone.
Patrick pulled into the empty gravel lot just as her phone vibrated in the pocket of her yoga pants. “I’ll grab the stroller, Ms.”
She gave a single nod and answered the phone. “Hi, Harper. Are you almost here?”
James turned wide, hopeful eyes her way. Her best friend was like the fun aunt Vivian always wanted as a kid. She always showed up with pockets filled with special candy or a fun new toy for James. She brought joy and silliness into their rigid world.
Similar tragedies had brought Harper into her life. Unlike Vivian, who’d never been able to shed the nasty tentacles of depression, Harper worked through her pain and had come out the other side stronger.
“I’m so sorry. My mom fell this morning, and I’m at the hospital with her. I’ll have to take a rain check.”
“Is your mom okay?” she asked, pushing aside her selfish reasons for wanting her best friend by her side for a quiet walk along the bluff.
“She’ll need surgery on her hip. Not sure what happens after that.”
“I’m so sorry. Call if there’s anything I can do.” Vivian disconnected and fixed a large smile on her face as she focused on her son. “Aunt Harper can’t join us, but we’ll still have fun. I promise.”
The disappointment in James’s downturned mouth and furrowed brow matched Vivian’s reaction. Her days were dominated by her kids and her overbearing mother-in-law, as well as a house full of staff who kept their distance. Time spent with Harper was the one thing that could always lift her spirit.
Tabitha’s squeals contradicted her oath of a fun morning, but she was determined to have a good day.
Climbing over James, she slid out of the car then unbuckled him from his seat before helping him down from the vehicle.
Patrick unlatched Tabitha’s car seat and settled the bulky carrier on top of stroller, then met Vivian at the side of the car. “Would you like me to walk with you?”
“No, thank you. We won’t be long.” Patrick’s offer was sweet and sincere, probably the only person her husband employed with those characteristics, but she wanted this time with her kids. Even if Tabitha continued to scream and James hadn’t gotten over his disappointment of Harper bailing. “Let’s go, James.”
She sang a little nursery rhyme James loved as they walked along the path, winding upward toward the lighthouse overlooking the bluff. A crisp wind blew through the trees, swirling through the colorful foliage. The smell of the salty sea air filled her lungs, and she could just make out the roar of the ocean crashing against the side of the cliff over Tabitha’s cries.
James stayed close to her side, his hand attached to the stroller as they walked. He turned his face toward the ocean, the vast waters stretching for miles.
Vivian kept her pace slow. Her nerves stretched tight, the cries of her baby causing the birds to fly into the clear blue sky. If only she could escape, just for a moment, fly high above and look down on everything below. A bird’s-eye view of the surrounding beauty without the gilded cage trapping her beside the things slowly pushing her to her breaking point.
The all-too-familiar guilt swooped in as she watched a seagull dive toward the ocean. She loved her children. She wanted this life. She’d prayed for what she now had. But the harder she tightened her grasp on the things dearest to her, the more they beat her down.
The red and white striped lighthouse grew near, and James shrieked but stayed close.
She smiled down at her perfect little boy. “We can walk a little closer but stay by my side.”
The cliff overlooking the bluff made anxiety swell in her gut. James never tested the limits—never tried to get too close to the edge. But that didn’t stop the horrible images of what could happen from invading her mind. Will’s words from earlier came back—be careful.
Tabitha twisted and squirmed in her seat, straining against the confining straps. Maybe her daughter was just uncomfortable. A quick glance at James told her he was staying right where he was supposed to. She made quick work out of freeing Tabby from her seat. She pressed the baby to her chest and bounced her up and down, whispering soothing noises in her ear.
Nothing calmed her frantic cries.
Defeated, she placed Tabitha back in her seat. She’d cry herself to sleep eventually.
A sense of déjà vu overcame Vivian, stealing her senses. Her muscles tightened, freezing her in place. Panic had her straining against the sensation she was way too weak to overcome. She moved her mouth to yell to James, to make him move to her side, but her mouth refused to form any words. Dammit, she needed to protect him. Make him understand what was about to happen, what she was helpless to stop. She should have listened to Will and brought Sylvie—should have never come alone. Dizziness made her sway along with the wind whipping off the ocean. The explosion of colors on the trees behind her, the jagged cliff looming over the churning sea, and the lighthouse standing tall and proud, a place of safety and warning—these places blurred together in her mind, spinning into a kaleidoscope of colors and sounds, twisting and turning faster and faster until an explosion burst behind her eyes and her world went black.
Fatigue weighed down her eyelids. She struggled to open them, wincing against the harsh sunlight. Time had passed in a blur, as it always did when the seizures invaded her body. Fresh air and the ocean breeze mingled together, and she inhaled deeply to awaken her senses. A heaviness settled on her shoulders, pressing her down, but she fought to release the tension keeping her muscles rigid. She focused on the clear, crisp song of the birds overhead and the almost deafening crash of the water below against the hard rock below.
Sounds clamored together, increasing Vivian’s heart rate. The birds, the sea, the rustle of the leaves all competed for her attention.
But no crying.
2
She dropped her gaze to the stroller. James stood beside her, blond hair wind-blown and a smile on his cherub face. But the baby was gone. Panic climbed up Vivian’s throat.
