My best friends secret, p.15
My Best Friend's Secret, page 15
Ethan came back a few minutes later with a bottle of Mexican beer. He pulled out a chair and sat down opposite me. ‘So?’ His voice emotionless, matching his expression. As he waited for my reply, he took a long glug of beer, his narrowed eyes never leaving mine.
I tucked a long, wavy strand of hair behind my ear as I inwardly took a deep breath. ‘Yeah… Look, I’m sorry that I haven’t been in touch since…’ I dropped my gaze. ‘You know?’
He didn’t respond.
‘Anyway, I wanted to apologise for disappearing on you like that,’ I said, looking back at him. If I was hoping for redemption, I had come to the wrong person. ‘You knew I was married and that it couldn’t go anywhere,’ I continued.
‘I wasn’t expecting it to,’ he darkly threw back at me.
The coldness in his voice cut deep.
I could feel the heat radiating from my cheeks.
‘Why did you come?’ I ventured.
I had texted Ethan, asking to meet up to clear the air and apologise. However, he hadn’t replied. I’d texted again, which prompted a terse, reluctant response.
‘Curious to hear what excuse you came up with for ghosting me.’
He held my gaze.
‘Look, I’m sorry. All right? It was a crap thing to do.’
‘Yup,’ Ethan agreed, raising his bottle at my statement before taking another glug.
What the fuck did he expect would happen? You’re married. You made that clear to him from the first time he hit on you.
‘What can I do to make things right between us?’ I asked.
‘You tell me?’ he threw back.
‘I don’t know. I just want to go back to the way it was between us.’
He didn’t react.
I thought back to Helena and the student she had overheard. Was it Ethan who had started the rumours? If so, why? Unless it was, as Helena had said, to get back at me for acting as if he didn’t exist.
‘Claudia, what’s going on here?’ Ethan suddenly questioned.
‘What do you mean?’
‘This,’ he said, gesturing with his hands at me. ‘You. Me. Sat here.’
‘I wanted to apologise and make things right.’
‘That’s bullshit, and you know it!’
‘It’s true,’ I defended.
He scowled at me. ‘What? What do you want from me? Forgiveness for being such a bitch? For thinking that I don’t have any feelings. That I don’t deserve an explanation?’
I numbly shook my head. ‘It’s not like that.’
‘Keep telling yourself that same lie. But it doesn’t wash with me.’
‘We were both drunk. It should never have happened. I was embarrassed and dealt with it the only way I could. I had just lost my best friend, then my husband…’ I faltered.
‘I heard. I also heard that your husband cheated on you first.’
I was shocked that he knew that.
Before I had a chance to ask him who had told him, he continued: ‘You wanted to get one over on your husband, and that’s where I came in.’
‘No,’ I replied, holding his furious glare. ‘I had no intention of sleeping with you.’
‘Bullshit! You were coming on to me all night,’ he said, lowering his voice as someone walked by.
‘If that’s the way you want to remember it, then go ahead,’ I retaliated.
‘It’s a fact. You knew what you were doing that night. You had every intention of having sex with me. I wasn’t the only one who noticed you hitting on me.’
Rowena. I recalled her making a snide remark about me and Ethan, insinuating that something was going on between us. If she had heard that Ethan and I were the last ones at the bar, she might have put two and two together.
‘Has someone said something to you about that night?’
Ethan stared at me. ‘Does it matter?’
‘Yes,’ I answered. ‘If someone started rumours about us, I have a right to know.’
He shrugged. ‘You should have thought about that before you hit on me.’
‘Will you stop saying that?’
‘Why? Does it hit a nerve?’ he asked, a facetious smile playing at the corner of his mouth.
‘You were the one who came onto me from the first day,’ I pointed out.
‘Maybe,’ he said, staring straight at me. ‘But you made it clear that nothing could happen between us. So, I repeat my point, you hit on me that evening, and you did it intending to sleep with me.’
It wasn’t going to plan. Not that I had a plan, but I hadn’t expected Ethan to be so intractable.
What the hell did you expect would happen if you fucked him to get back at Jacob? Seriously, Claudia?
I deeply breathed in as I deliberated my next move.
‘Look, all I want is to stop the rumours. Surely you don’t want your personal life being the topic of student gossip?’ I questioned.
I could see from his eyes that my attempt at reasoning had failed.
‘Be honest. You couldn’t give a shit about me. It’s your reputation that you’re trying to salvage here,’ he stated.
‘You’re a dick. Do you know that?’
Ethan gave a bitter laugh. ‘Yeah? Maybe I am. The difference between us is that I’m not bothered by what people think about me.’
‘Are you being serious?’ I asked, astounded by his callousness.
‘I’m simply pointing out that treating me like a piece of shit doesn’t quite fit in with the self-sacrificing image that you’ve created for yourself.’
‘Fuck you, Ethan!’
I jumped up and snatched my bag and coat from the bench.
I looked at him. ‘I believed we were friends. You know that?’
‘So, did I. The sad part of all of this is you’re only concerned about yourself. If you hadn’t heard the rumours about us, who knows when you would have spoken to me?’
‘It’s not like that,’ I replied.
He shook his head at me. ‘It’s exactly like that. I was foolish enough to think you actually cared about me.’
I had heard enough. I started walking away.
‘Hey, Claudia,’ he called out after me.
I spun around.
‘Maybe you should question who your friends are?’
‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’ I fired back.
‘Who do you think started those rumours?’
‘Why don’t you tell me?’
Ethan held my gaze. ‘Give me one good reason why I should.’
I shook my head. I’d had enough of his games.
I turned and left as one questioned tormented me: Who would want to publicly humiliate and hurt me?
21
‘Hi,’ I greeted, answering my mobile.
‘Hey, how are you coping?’ Issie gently questioned.
‘I’m not,’ I admitted, collapsing onto my bed. ‘No sign of Darcy. Not even one response to all my flyers and posters. I even made him wear a collar with an ID disc just in case something like this happened. He hated needles, and there was no way Darcy would let the vet microchip him. And he was a house cat, so I didn’t see the need,’ I explained, my voice filled with regret.
I lay there looking up at the gloomy shadows cast on the white ceiling from the bedside lamps. The house was eerily silent. I assumed that Riley was still out or in bed as there was no noise coming from her room, and there had been no light coming from under her door when I’d passed it. What hopes I’d had of a lodger distracting me from Jacob moving out had been shattered by the reality. I ached for things to be as they once were when Jacob’s presence seemed to fill the entire place. I thought of Darcy and how he would follow me everywhere, so much so, Jacob would joke that Darcy had abandonment issues. Without Darcy, the house now felt so empty.
I choked back a sob. At least attempted to and failed.
‘Oh, Claudia…’ Issie sympathised.
Sad, lonely tears escaped from the corners of my eyes, trickling down to my ears. I roughly swiped at them, berating myself for being so pathetic.
I seemed to be plagued by ‘what if’ scenarios.
What if Jaz had talked to me the days, even weeks, leading up to her death?
What if I hadn’t had revenge sex with Ethan Novak?
Or if I hadn’t slept with Jacob and then seen those texts on his phone, resulting in me being so distraught that I had a cigarette in the garden, leaving the kitchen door ajar without thinking?
I knew the outcome of each scenario could have been so different. If only…
I sighed heavily before continuing, ‘And as if things aren’t bad enough, Helena came by my office this afternoon. She said that she overheard a research student discussing Ethan and myself, and the fact that we…’ I faltered.
‘Oh fuck! Seriously?’
‘Seriously.’ The knot in my stomach tightened. ‘For all I know it’s around the entire department.’
‘Shit!’ Issie was quiet for a moment before continuing, ‘What are you going to do?’
‘There’s not much I can do. Helena said she was refuting the rumours. All I can do is hope that works.’
‘Who do you think started the rumours?’ asked Issie.
I had repeatedly asked myself that from the moment I had found out. I still couldn’t discount the source being Rowena. But the crucial question was who had told her?
‘Helena believes that Ethan told either a colleague or this research student,’ I replied.
‘Why would he do that to you?’
‘For ghosting him,’ I answered.
‘Are you going to talk to him and get to the bottom of the rumours?’
‘I already did,’ I answered. ‘I met up with him after work.’
‘So?’ Issie prompted at my failure to elaborate. ‘What did Ethan say?’
‘Not a lot, but enough for me to know he didn’t start the rumour,’ I replied.
‘Who do you think it was then?’
I took a deep breath.
‘Claudia?’
‘I would have said this other colleague, Rowena, who was there that night when we were having drinks, but I don’t know. Ethan said something odd. He implied that I couldn’t trust my friends.’
‘Seriously?’
‘That’s what he said. And Rowena’s not a friend.’
‘Who else did you tell?’
‘No one,’ I answered. ‘Just Helena. Maybe he’s just psyching me out.’
‘Maybe,’ Issie agreed. ‘Or maybe Helena said something to this other colleague?’
‘To Rowena?’
It was a question I had already considered.
‘Is it possible?’ Issie asked.
‘Anything’s possible. But Helena has known me for five years. She would never betray my confidence.’
‘Is she friends with this Rowena?’
‘Yes.’
‘Have you done anything that would give Helena cause to feel aggrieved?’ Issie asked.
I hesitated. ‘No.’
‘You don’t sound so sure.’
I thought back to her phone call that I didn’t answer on Saturday evening when her mother had suffered a second stroke. But that wouldn’t be enough cause for her to tell Rowena about Ethan and me.
Or would it?
‘Oh, I nearly forgot, this Saturday’s cancelled,’ Issie uneasily announced.
‘What? Why?’
‘Ava can’t make it.’
‘Why?’
It was the third time Ava had cancelled.
‘Ava’s got to go back out to LA. They’re having some major problems with this deal and the client will only work with her.’
‘So, when are we meeting up?’
‘I don’t know,’ answered Issie. ‘We have to wait until Ava’s back.’
‘And that would be?’
‘I honestly have no idea. Her workload is crazy right now.’
I could feel the panic rising inside me at the thought that Issie could be lying to me. That they didn’t want me there. That, whatever information Ava had, she wasn’t going to share it with me.
But why?
Because she blames you for Jaz’s death. She said as much.
‘Tell me the three of you aren’t meeting up again without me.’
‘Of course not!’ Issie replied, incredulous that I would suggest such a thing. ‘We’ve gone over this already. It was a mistake. Yeah?’
‘On your and Willow’s part, yes,’ I agreed. ‘But Ava knew what she was doing.’
‘Claudia! Seriously? You need to get over it.’
‘Maybe when Ava apologises to me…’
‘And I am sure she will when we next see her,’ Issie reassured me.
‘And the letter?’
‘What about it?’ questioned Issie.
‘Has Ava said any more to you about who sent it and the contents?’
‘Don’t you think I would tell you if she had? Stop being so paranoid, Claudia!’
I didn’t reply.
‘Seriously, you’ll find out, as will I, when we meet with Ava. Okay?’
‘Okay.’
But why was I struggling to believe her?
I thought back to the funeral and the look that had passed between Willow and Ava. I was sure that they were withholding something from me connected to Jaz’s death. What that could be, I had no idea. And now there was the discovery that someone had sent Jaz a letter days before she chose to take her life. Could the letter and her suicide be connected? It had to be…
I inwardly sighed. There were too many questions, and Ava was the one calling the shots. I had no other option but to wait until we were all together to get the answers I needed.
‘I’ve got to go, but as soon as I get a date to meet up from Ava, I’ll let you know,’ Issie assured me.
I cut the call and breathed out. I still couldn’t fathom Ava out. If she had crucial information about Jaz’s decision to take her life, why wasn’t she sharing it with us? And why wasn’t Issie bothered about Ava withholding it from us for so long? It felt as if Issie was protecting Ava for some reason.
Why?
My phone buzzed. It was another text from Jacob. Without reading it, I put my phone down. I had enough to deal with without him. I deliberated contacting Helena to tell her about meeting up with Ethan. But then Ethan’s words came back to me:
Maybe you should question who your friends are.
I thought of Helena: Would you really do that to me?
22
THURSDAY, LATE APRIL
I couldn’t stop my body from shaking.
I was on the bathroom floor with my knees pulled into my chest, contemplating how I had ended up in this situation.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Three weeks on from Helena’s revelation that rumours were flying around the department about Ethan and me having sex, and I had found myself alienated at work. Issie had argued that I was being paranoid. However, I knew it wasn’t my imagination when I caught students looking at me and whispering in lectures and seminars. Worse, colleagues were awkward around me, some even going out of their way to avoid me. Nor could I fail to notice that Helena had pulled back. Her mother was still in hospital, and so I put her remoteness down to that. Recently, a few colleagues, including Helena, had got together for drinks after work without me. The fact they hadn’t invited me was hurtful, and I knew it was pathetic, but I felt excluded.
Then there was Issie, Willow and Ava. We still hadn’t met up despite my attempts. Nor had Ava disclosed any details regarding the letter sent to Jaz. Over the past three weeks, I had rung and texted Ava, but she still hadn’t returned my calls or responded to my messages. Issie had reassured me that Ava was extraordinarily busy and that it wasn’t personal. But we both knew that wasn’t the case.
I knew that with Willow, she was preoccupied with her new relationship with Charles. I was happy for Willow, more so after the loss of Jaz. Out of the five of us, Willow had always been the sensitive one, and without Charles, she would have struggled to deal with Jaz’s death.
But I missed Willow. And, at a push, even Ava.
It was as if my close friends and colleagues were withdrawing from me, and I had no idea why.
Or was I disappearing?
The anxiety I felt was athazagoraphobia. The dread that I was fading into oblivion.
Come on, Claudia! Stop procrastinating! You need to get showered and get into work! Just look at it!
But I couldn’t look. It would be too final. I thought of the paradox of Schrödinger’s cat, both, as Schrödinger explained, ‘living and dead… in equal parts’ until observed. It was the same principle. Once I looked, it would be definite. And what if I were? Cold dread coursed through me at the thought.
I breathed in, and with a trembling hand, I picked up the white pregnancy stick. Shocked, I stared at the small window. There was no mistaking that one blue word: pregnant.
I tried to swallow, but my mouth was too dry. I thought of Jacob. What would he say? We had tried for so long and failed. Then Ethan Novak came along…
Shit! Shit! Shit!
I stared at the pregnancy stick, hoping that it had been a mistake. That it would now say ‘not pregnant’. But it hadn’t changed. My period was two weeks late, something I had attributed to stress. However, combined with the past couple of days of nausea that I had initially dismissed as a stomach bug, the signs couldn’t have been more obvious. I could feel my throat constrict at the sight of that one life-changing word, a word that, ironically, I had craved month after month with Jacob. And yet, here I was, paralysed with dread.
Oh my God… My parents. How would they react to the news that they were going to be grandparents? My mother as a grandmother… It wasn’t worth contemplating.
I felt as if my world was suddenly spinning out of control.
Being pregnant was all you wanted.
Yes, with Jacob. Together, not alone.
Jacob had tried to reach out to me, but I had ignored all his attempts. Finally, he’d accepted my silence, and I hadn’t heard from him in over a week. Would Jacob believe it was his?
It had to be Jacob’s. The alternative didn’t bear thinking about.
Ethan and I had used protection. I had seen the empty condom wrappers. I reassured myself with the knowledge that Jacob and I had sex over three and a half weeks ago, long enough for there to be detectable levels of the pregnancy hormone in my body.
