I plant a kiss on my little girl’s head then place her on her feet and reach for my dressing gown. As I tie the belt, a terrible thought suddenly occurs to me. ‘Anabelle… you didn’t cut anyone else’s hair did you?’

  She shakes her head and I sigh with relief. I can just imagine the row if she’d got to Janis too. Now that would not be funny… well, perhaps just a little bit.

  ****

  Evan arrives at noon and Janis lets him in. I’m in the kitchen with Cassie. She called round for morning coffee and took one look at me then started laughing. However, when I burst into tears at her reaction, she told me not to worry and rushed back into her house. When she returned, she had a vanity case and a large can of hairspray.

  I sat patiently as Cassie straightened and sprayed and pulled and wound my hair. I had no idea what she was doing but I hoped it would be an improvement on Anabelle’s efforts.

  ‘Hey ladies!’ Evans says as he walks into the kitchen. He has a bulldog either side of him and Janis right behind him.

  ‘So what do you think of Mum’s new style?’ Janis asks.

  I peek at him from beneath Cassie’s hand as she sprays more lacquer onto the front of my head.

  Evan stands back and peruses me. ‘It’s certainly different. Reminds me of how you used to wear it, only it was longer then.’

  ‘Can I look now?’ I ask Cassie.

  She nods and hands me a small mirror. I take a deep breath then gaze at my reflection. ‘You are amazing, Cassie!’ She’s somehow managed to create a plait out of my fringe that starts at the left side of my forehead and runs across to the right then into the side of my hair. It’s very neat and pretty and a little bit hippy. No wonder Evan said it reminds him of how I used to wear my hair, although it was down to my waist back then. I actually think I look a bit younger too, perhaps it’s because the tight weave is giving my eyelids a bit of a lift.

  ‘I try.’ Cassie grins at the praise.

  ‘Now if you can just come here every morning before school to do this, that would be great.’

  ‘Whatever you want, Annie.’

  I jump up and kiss her cheek then turn to Evan. ‘Do you want a coffee?’

  ‘I’d love one but we’d better get going as the first viewing’s at one-fifteen.’

  ‘How many properties are you viewing?’ Cassie asks Evan.

  ‘Six altogether.’

  ‘Wow! Busy afternoon for you then.’ Cassie nudges me.

  ‘Are you coming too, Janis?’ Evan asks our daughter.

  She shakes her head. ‘I’m quite tired today Dad and I don’t feel like traipsing around all day. Besides, you don’t want to drag Henry and Anabelle around other people’s houses do you?’

  He looks at me and I shrug. Janis is right. The youngest will get bored and make it a lot harder, plus they’ll want to use the toilet in every property.

  ‘Are you still okay to come?’ Evan asks me.

  I glance at Janis and she nods. ‘Of course she is. Now off you go!’ She makes a shooing motion with her hands and I follow Evan out of the kitchen.

  As I get my jacket off the peg in the hall, I catch a glimpse of Janis and Cassie in the kitchen. They are both staring at Evan and me with big grins on their faces, as if they’ve achieved something to smile about. I shake my head at them then follow my ex-husband out of the door and into his car.

  ‘We’re meeting the estate agent at the first property then she’ll take us to the others,’ Evan explains as he pulls out into the lunchtime traffic.

  ‘Do you know what you’re looking for?’

  He glances at me and smiles. ‘I’m hoping I’ll know when I see it.’

  ‘Ah, the sensible house hunter.’

  ‘It’s been a lifetime since I’ve had to do this, Annie.’

  I let this sink in for a moment. ‘You’ve actually lived in hotels all this time?’

  He nods. ‘And company properties. I haven’t had to think about finding my own rental or buying a house.’

  ‘Have you had a chance to speak to the bank about mortgages? You know, you’ll need a big deposit with the country in its current financial situation.’

  He chews his lip.

  ‘That’s not going to be an issue for you is it?’ I ask, suddenly realising that he could probably purchase a decent property without a mortgage.

  ‘Not really. I’ve been saving.’

  ‘But you’ve been so generous with maintenance payments for Janis.’

  ‘She’s my daughter. I owe you and her that much. In fact, I know I owe you much more.’ He shakes his head and I watch his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows hard. ‘Besides, you’ve probably squirreled as much as possible away in a college fund or something haven’t you?’

  Heat floods my face. ‘Am I that predictable?’

  He places his left hand over mine. His hand is warm and smooth and it feels so good, like it belongs there. ‘You’re just careful with money. I knew you’d save as much of it as you could for Janis.’

  I don’t know what to say to this. He’s right about the money, of course he is. I didn’t want to take it but when he insisted, I decided to save for Janis. I do the same with Dex’s payments for Henry and Anabelle.

  ‘I wish I didn’t have to take anything from you or Dex.’

  ‘I know that but it’s our responsibility to support our children. Besides, hopefully I’m going to be around a lot more now to help out in other ways too.’

  My heart rate increases at this. ‘I hope so.’

  We head for South Cheam and Evan pulls up in front of an enormous double fronted house. The entire facade is gleaming white with large bay windows up and down. The driveway is paved and clear of weeds – I notice this because I often fail to keep on top of weeding the front yard – and there’s enough space there for ten cars and a bus.

  I turn to Evan and raise my eyebrows.

  He grins. ‘Just looking.’

  ‘This house has enough room for three families and their bulldogs.’

  ‘And that’s a good thing, right?’ He winks at me. ‘There’s the estate agent!’ Evan gets out of the car so I grab my handbag from the foot-well and follow him. I shut the door behind me and watch as Evan greets the attractive woman waiting on the doorstep. She’s tall and slim with white blonde hair pinned into a side-bun. Her black trouser suit and lavender blouse give her that chic understated elegance that some women can pull off, but as I approach I notice that the blouse is unbuttoned enough to flash a hint of cleavage. A pang of jealousy surprises me as I wonder if she’d hoped to meet Evan alone.

  She throws back her head and laughs at something Evan says.

  ‘And this is Annie.’ Evan holds out a hand and I take it. The estate agent eyes me as she would a competitor and I bristle under her cold gaze. ‘Annie, this is Barbara.’

  ‘Hello, Mrs Llewellyn.’

  I’m about to correct her but Evan squeezes my hand. ‘Shall we take a look inside?’ he asks.

  I nod and the estate agent opens the door and leads us into the hallway. She runs through a list of the property’s features but I only catch odd words here and there. The house is impressive, with a grand entrance hallway featuring an old stone fireplace with a bench next to it and a wide staircase. I count at least four doors leading off the hallway. I make an effort to keep my expression neutral, as if I view properties like this regularly.

  ‘Would you like me to show you around or do you want to wander around yourselves?’ Barbara keeps her eyes on Evan and I experience that pang again, but remind myself that it’s my hand he’s holding.

  ‘We’ll take a look around alone, thanks.’ Evan nods at Barbara.

  ‘I’ll wait in the kitchen. Shout if you have any questions,’ she replies.

  Evan leads me into the first room to our left. We gaze around at the expensive furniture and ornate ceiling. The large bay window has net curtains but it lets in a lot of light and the room has a spacious, airy feel. We visit the rest of the rooms on the ground floor and I try not to stare open-mouthed at the sheer space here – which includes another reception room with a sofa and a fifty-inch TV fixed above the fireplace, a dining room, a study/library and the kitchen, where Barbara is perched on a chair making notes on her phone – then we head upstairs.

  ‘What did you think of the kitchen?’ Evan asks when we reach the first landing.

  ‘It was okay.’ I shrug and hide my smile. It was amazing! It has white units, real oak worktops, slate tiles on the floor and a beautiful green Aga installed in what must have been the old chimney space. There’s room for a large table at one end of the L-shape and the room was bright and warm with afternoon light, as the French windows overlook the garden.

  ‘Just okay?’ he asks. ‘Well that’s not good enough. Let’s scrap this one and go look at the next.’ He pulls me back towards the staircase.

  ‘No!’ I stop him. ‘I’m joking. It’s amazing.’

  He stands for a moment gazing at my face. ‘Honestly?’

  I nod, suddenly breathless.

  ‘Shall we check out the bedrooms?’ The way he says this makes my heart race. I nod again, not trusting myself to speak. Right now I feel like a partner, his partner. All those years ago, I wanted to feel needed by him but we shut each other out because we were both afraid. Being thrown into parenthood so young was scary but I know I’m stronger now and so is Evan. Now… it’s different. I do feel that he needs me and wants me by his side. If we can do this, make decisions together and plan together and be honest with each other, then I believe we can make this work. Being aware of why we did what we did in the past means we can ensure that it doesn’t happen again.

  There are six bedrooms in total, four on the first floor and two in the attic. All are big enough for double beds. ‘What do you need six bedrooms for?’ I ask.

  ‘I guess it could be seen as an investment.’ He walks through what appears to be the master bedroom into the en suite. It is the size of my family bathroom at home.

  ‘Of course. That makes sense.’

  ‘Unless I’m lucky enough to have a family to share it with me.’ He stands before the double walk-in shower that has a large square showerhead at each end and my heart flutters.

  ‘Is that what you want, Evan?’

  He turns to me and I keep my eyes fixed on his, even though staring into their blue-green depths is hard as I feel like I could fall in and stay there.

  ‘What’d you mean, Annie?’

  ‘You want to be part of a family?’

  He steps closer to me. ‘Is that wrong?’

  ‘I… no… I…’ He places his strong hands on my shoulders and his heat sears through my clothing. My body stirs as if waking from a deep sleep. ‘What I meant was…’

  ‘Annie.’ He leans forwards and presses his lips to mine. I freeze. His mouth is warm and soft, he smells so good that I want to grab hold of him and kiss him harder. When he pulls away, I almost groan with frustration. ‘I want a family living with me, yes. But not just any family, I want my family. But I have to be sure that you want that too.’

  I am lost for words and I tear my eyes from his. He wants me and the children. He wants a life and a home and love and people who care. That’s not wrong. In fact, it’s so right.

  ‘Evan…’

  ‘Shhh.’ He touches a finger to his lips. ‘Just look around the houses with me today and think about it.’

  ‘Okay,’ I squeak. Since Evan returned, I’ve been a boiling pot of emotion, but so much has happened. I’m terrified and exhilarated and overwhelmed and unsure. However, I do know one thing, and that is I want him to kiss me again.

  ‘Annie, can I…’

  ‘Yes.’ I reach out and curl my arms around his neck. I have to stand on tiptoe to reach but this brings us closer and I moan as his body responds to mine. As we devour each other, he roams his hands over my back and I run my fingers through his hair. My body is on fire and I know that he could lie me down on the bathroom tiles and take me. And I would let him. Me: the woman who doesn’t like to lose control. This is how I have changed. This is how Evan has affected me this time around.

  ‘Annie,’ he says when he finally comes up for air. ‘Wow.’

  ‘Yes.’ I smile at his flushed cheeks and messy hair.

  ‘I’ve missed this.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘I’m a bit…’ He glances down and I nod with understanding. ‘I’d better stop now or I might not be able to.’

  ‘I know.’ I stroke his cheek. ‘I’m feeling it too. I mean I was feeling it… against me… I…’ I giggle as I’m so hot I can’t articulate my thoughts.

  He takes my hand and as I follow him from the bathroom, I catch sight of my reflection in the fancy mirror over the double sink. My cheeks are rosy, my eyes are sparkling and a satisfied smile plays on my lips. This is the effect that Evan used to have upon me and it’s so good to feel this way after such a long time. It used to be one of the things that scared me. I feared losing control because in that vulnerable state I could be wounded beyond repair. Right now, however, I am not afraid of this feeling. I am, in fact, afraid of losing this feeling, so I hold his hand tighter and stay close to his side.

  We wander around the rest of the bedrooms and I silently allocate each one to one of my children, then we head downstairs and into the kitchen. Barbara glances at us as we enter and I see her note our flushed faces.

  ‘Ready to see the garden?’ she asks. ‘Need some fresh air, perhaps?’ She opens the French windows then stands back. We step into the beautiful sunshine. The lawns stretch out before us, lush and green. I know that I am still grinning like a satisfied cat but I don’t care. I know that I have things to consider and that, perhaps, I am throwing caution to the wind but right now, in this moment, I don’t care. I can allow myself that.

  ‘There’s a pool and a summer house and a self-contained apartment.’ Evan points at the building off to the side of the house.’

  ‘What on earth would you need that for if you’ve got all that space inside?’

  ‘Well I asked specifically for somewhere with a granny flat or the potential to build one.’

  ‘But why?’ I ask, shading my eyes from the glare of the sun.

  ‘For Janis.’

  ‘But why would Janis need somewhere self-contained?’

  ‘I just thought it might offer her and Curtis some freedom and independence but mean that help was on hand if they needed it.’

  ‘You’ve thought of everything.’ Something flickers through me then, a fragment of an old fear, that he might still need to have control – as he used to do. If he wants me now, it has to be as a partner. We’re older, used to the freedom of being single, not so likely to throw our lots in and hope for the best.

  ‘I’ve tried to, Annie. I want to be with you. I can design you a dark room and an office so you can work at your photography again. We can find a compromise that will work for you. I know you’ll be able to make your photography a success. You were so good before and now you’d have much better technology at your disposal. I’d build you a fabulous website and I have contacts I can put you in touch with. Just trust me, Annie. That’s all I ask. I’m not asking you to give up your independence, just to believe that we can make this work if we try.’

  His enthusiasm is overwhelming. I want this, I do, but I need time to adjust. He’s offering me a house and a future that just months ago I never thought I’d have.

  I look from his handsome familiar face to the large house, to the luscious lawns and what appears to be an outdoor swimming pool. This is a life he can offer. I know I can manage all on my own, I have done for years, but now I see the possibility of being part of a team again, of being his partner.

  ‘You think we can make this work?’ I ask him, seeking more reassurance.

  ‘Why would I have brought you here if I didn’t?’

  ‘Can we take it slowly?’

  He sighs and his jaw tightens. ‘Haven’t we been taking it slowly, Annie? We’ve both been patient. The baby will be here before we know it and wouldn’t it be good to have everything settled before then? I don’t need any more time. I know what I want and that’s you and the kids with me. Always.’

  My heart pounds and I scan his face, searching for the words that just won’t come. I want to surrender, I long to surrender… to just let go.

  ‘I… I need a bit longer.’ My mouth runs away before I can fully articulate what’s in my head. ‘Just to be –’

  ‘To be what?’ He cuts me off. ‘To be sure?’ His face drops and the muscle in his jaw twitches. I’ve hurt him with my hesitation. He takes a deep breath then releases it, painfully slowly. ‘Annie, after everything we’ve been through, if you don’t know now…’

  I reach out to him, hoping to hold him, to convey to him exactly how I feel through my touch but he steps backwards. I can see the pulse in his neck – his heart is hammering away and I realise that this is hurting him. I want to lean against him and breathe him in as he strokes my hair but every time I try to get closer, he backs away.

  I open my mouth to speak. I wish I could reassure him but I am struck dumb. The old numbness that I haven’t felt in a while spreads through me and renders me weak and lethargic. I’m almost ready to do this, I know I am. Almost…

  ‘Annie?’

  I can’t speak because my throat is too tight.

  ‘I have to take you home now.’ He folds his arms over his chest and I know that he is protecting himself from me and the pain I have caused him.

 

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