“I’m a pretty selfish person, Jake. I’ve made decisions my entire life based on my wants and needs. Screw everyone else… But not this time.”

  I open the classroom door, “It’s over Jake. My mom’s happiness matters more than…”

  Jake finishes my sentence, “…More than me?”

  In the background, we can hear the music for the commencement begin. Selfishly, I let his words linger in the air as I head towards the auditorium.

  * * *

  

  It’s been six months since graduation, and I’ve settled into a new routine without Jake.

  I go to the local community college. Just taking required courses right now. I haven’t decided my major. When I do, I’ll transfer to a university. It won’t be the same one Jake goes to, however. That would be too difficult for both of us.

  I also have a part-time job working for a start-up. Who would have guessed that I’m a team-player? Work is a blast. They trust me with maintaining their social media presence. Yeah, I get paid to tweet and share.

  Ben seems a lot more comfortable around me as well, after Jake told him we no longer see each other.

  I keep telling myself that I’ve made the right decision.

  Jake tried to stay in contact with me through texts and emails. But eventually he gave up. He spends most of his time on campus now.

  My life is also so much different now. I have a small, core group of friends from work and school. I’ve stayed away from dating. I’m not ready. But group clubbing is high on my list.

  Tonight I meet up with Jessica and Andrew at Club Nouveau. Every city has one, right? The only thing I don’t like about it is that there are way too many old dudes who hang out there, and they all have their radar trained on me.

  Jessica is hot, so we never have to wait in lines. I meet up with Jess and Andrew as the bouncer unlatches the velvet rope and ushers us in. Jess grabs the guy’s balls as thanks. He slaps her ass.

  Andrew comments, “I wish I could get my hands on that package.”

  We wave Andrew’s inappropriate comments off, as we don’t want to encourage him.

  “I’ll be back with some drinks, bitches” Andrew says, as he sashays towards the bar.

  “I swear, with that swish, that boy will probably get more action than me tonight,” Jess informs me.

  I say yes, nod my head, although I could not hear a word she said over the loud music. But I’ve learned that simply nodding when in a conversation with Jess, suffices.

  One of the old dudes approaches our table. I pray that he has a thing for Jess.

  “Hello, ladies,” the short muscular Latin man shouts.

  At that moment, Andrew returns with our drinks. He places them on the table. Jess guzzles hers down while I wait. What’s in front of me is far more interesting.

  “I see you’ve met, Marco,” Andrew pronounces. Marco and Andrew embrace each other before they head to the dance floor.

  “See, what did I tell you?” Jess comments.

  Jess scoots out of the booth and joins the duo on the dance floor. It’s quite hilarious. Andrew is marking his territory as Jess dances around Marco like a woman obsessed.

  I take a few sips of my drink before I decide to check my texts. While I do, someone scoots into the booth. I look up.

  It’s, The Spence. Yes, the rugby teammate of Jakes, who had his hands all over me at the sorority party. I allowed him to go further than I should have because I wanted to hurt Jake after I saw him leave with his on-again, off-again girlfriend.

  The Spence, tall and rugged, took advantage of the situation. He lifted me up, wrapped my legs around his waist and held me up against the wall. He shoved his hands down the back of my panties during a dance where the lights were turned off.

  I have to admit, it was a real turn-on. But I had to put a stop to it when he wanted to go further. He didn’t take no for an answer, so I had to grab his member and twist until he understood that no meant no.

  So here he stands in front of me, at this club. I don’t know whether to toss this drink in his face, or walk away.

  “Hi Sidney, I hope you don’t mind.”

  “You always do what you want,” I snap back.

  The Spence holds his head down for a moment before he looks up. “Listen, I was a real prick. I’m sorry.”

  I don’t know this guy very well, so I have no clue whether to take his apology at face value or not.

  “How have you been?” he shouts.

  I can’t hear him, so I give the okay for him to scoot closer to me. But I make it clear that it still means, ‘hands off.’

  “How have you been?” he repeats.

  “Why do you care?” I throw back.

  “I’m just trying to make conversation,” The Spence says in a defensive manner.

  I ease up on the guy a bit.

  In an attempt to have a civil conversation with, The Spence, I offer, “I hear you guys are on a streak. Congrats.”

  “Yeah, we are. Seven in a row. Why did you stop attending the games?” The Spence asks.

  I wonder what Jake told him; why I haven’t been there to support the team. I can’t tell him the truth, and I won’t lie.

  “Did you ask Jake?” I deflected.

  “Sure. He said you were busy. That’s code for, ‘shit went down,’” The Spence bellows.

  I laugh myself. He’s absolutely right.

  “There you have it,” I concur. “What are you doing here?” I question, The Spence.

  “In town for a wedding… not mine!” The Spence quickly adds.

  The Spence stares at the dance floor, yet doesn’t say another word.

  I’m sure he wants to dance. However, the last time we danced, it ended badly.

  “Will you give me a second chance?” The Spence says as he stands and holds out his hand.

  “I promise, I’ll be a boy scout. Scout’s honor.”

  I look at that silly boyish half-smile across his face and agree to dance with him. I take his hand as he leads me to the dance floor.

  We carve out a spot and let loose. Jess watches from a distance as she raises her glass in approval.

  I never realized how crazy funny, The Spence’s moves were until tonight. I think I spotted the old school “Troop” dance, “The Dougie,” followed by “The Robot” and “Running Man.”

  I mean these dance moves are way past their expiration, yet he’s having so much fun, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. He sways to the right, then to the left. He passes his hand over his head and mugs for a nonexistent camera.

  I laugh until I cry, I am having so much fun. I thought I was the only loser who learned dance moves decades after everyone quit doing them. But apparently, there are two of us.

  We end our dance session doing, “The Bump.” And this time I am getting into it. We jump up in the air, land and bump side hips. I even throw in a few advanced moves where I lift my bent leg while we bump.

  Insane fun. I am exhausted. The Spence isn’t a complete tool after all.

  The DJ slows it down. The Spence takes my hand and leads me off the dance floor. As we pass Andrew and Marco, I whisper in Andrews’s ear that I’ll be outside.

  No matter how drunk, how mad we get with each other, Andrew, Jess and I always look out for each other.

  I am so sweaty and hot; I need fresh air. The Spence asks if he can join me. I agree.

  We get our wrists stamped before we step outside to cool off.

  We find a quiet part of a curb and sit down. I pull out my phone to check the time.

  “Past your bedtime?” The Spence jokes.

  I put my phone away. A street vendor across the street serves up bacon wrapped hot dogs and ice-cold sodas.

  “That sure smells good,” I mention, off-handed.

  Immediately, The Spence springs to his feet and dashes across the street. Before I know it, he delivers me a dog with all the trimmings and an ice-cold Coke. I devour the dog in between sips of soda.

  What is it about street food at 2 am? It could be made of cardboard, but it would still be the best food I’ve ever tasted.

  “Can I take you out?” The Spence blurts out. “On a real date. No expectations, no hands, I promise. You can meet me; wherever. It doesn’t matter.”

  The Spence gets serious for a moment, “I’ll be a gentleman.”

  I consume the last bite of my dog and wipe my hands with a napkin.

  “Okay,” I agree.

  “Okay,” The Spence echoes as Andrew and Jessica join us. The Spence and I set our first date for tomorrow, at the movies.

  * * *

  

  I feel little butterflies in my stomach as I get ready. I put on lip gloss, a form-fitting t-shirt and jeans. Nothing special. I walk out to my car where Jake leans up against it.

  I freeze in my tracks. I wasn’t expecting to see Jake today. He usually tells someone when he’s coming home. But there wasn’t any advanced warning or time to make myself scarce.

  “Hi, Sidney,” Jake says as he takes a step away from my car, towards me.

  “Hi Jake,” I say as I use my keys to open the car door.

  Jake places his hand over mine. I pull my hand away. Oh, how this has become so awkward and uncomfortable.

  “Can you give me a minute?” Jake almost pleads.

  I owe him that. I stand, with my arms folded. I say I’m ready to listen, but my body language tells him different.

  Jake clears his throat, “I thought you should know that I’ll be playing rugby for Ireland. My dad… our dad, has dual citizenship, so I qualify. They’ve invited me, and I’m going.”

  I have no idea what Jake wants from me. Is he telling me this in hopes I’ll ask him to stay? Or is he letting me know that he’s accepted our breakup and that we’ll never be together again? I have no clue.

  I just listen.

  “I leave tonight. Just wanted to tell you myself.”

  “Wow, it sounds like an amazing opportunity, Jake. It wasn’t so long ago you were questioning whether you even wanted to play. Now you’re going pro? It’s a big step. But I’m sure you’ve thought it through,” I falsely encourage.

  “I have,” Jake shares. “There is nothing left for me here, so I might as well jump at this opportunity.”

  Jake waits for me to say something… anything to give him reason to stay.

  I can’t.

  “Jake… you’ll do great. They’re lucky to have you.”

  Jake stares me dead in my face. His eyes swell with water. I’ve never seen Jake tear up before. He opens my car door, and I climb in. Once I turn on the ignition, Jake takes a step back, away from the car, as I back out of the driveway.

  My heart breaks into a million tiny pieces, yet I can’t let Jake know that. I drive away, on my way to see, The Spence.

  I study Jake from my rear view mirror. He stands there, like a statue, not moving an inch.

  I know that I’m breaking him in two, but there is nothing I can do about it.

  Never in a million years, did I see myself as the person I am today; putting my mom’s happiness before my own, no matter how much it hurts… because it’s the right thing to do.

  I’m beginning to like myself.

  * * *

  

  I meet, The Spence outside the movie theater. I don’t tell him what just went down between Jake and me. I try to put it out of my mind.

  The Spence pays for both our movie tickets; an IMAX showing, so it sets him back $32. He makes it a point to flash the wad of cash in his wallet to impress me.

  I’m sufficiently impressed.

  Once inside the theater, he buys a huge tub of popcorn for us to share. And when I say huge, I mean HUGE. You could bathe in the size of that tub. We pair it with large cokes and junior mints.

  Only a few others are in the theater. We sit in the middle, away from any big-headed people who could block our view.

  Once the movie starts, The Spence reaches for my hand. I like this less aggressive, more respectful side of him. Our finger’s interlock and stay that way throughout the entire movie.

  Afterward, the lights go up and the theater empties. The cleaning crew enters.

  “Let’s walk this popcorn binge off,” I suggest to, The Spence.

  We walk out, hand and hand. We leave our cars in the parking lot and walk down the street in silence until we come upon a small, urban park with monkey bars and swings.

  I race, The Spence to the swings and beat him. He takes it pretty well.

  I plop myself onto a swing; shuffle steps backward as far as I can go before I release my feet and swing forward. I pump my legs with reckless abandon in my effort to touch the stars.

  The Spence and I laugh our guts out as we continue to try to outdo each other. But I have a trick up my sleeve.

  I pump my legs and swing as high as humanly possible. When I’m at the zenith of height, I jump off the swing!

  I do a summersault before landing on my back.

  The Spence, races to my side, “What the hell?” his words mixed with equal parts concern and adulation.

  I giggle uncontrollably which signals to, The Spence, that I’m okay with no bones broken.

  He bends over and steals a kiss before he lays down next to me. We gaze up at the stars.

  Why hadn’t Jake and I had this kind of fun before? We started off hot and heavy, with nowhere left to go.

  I like being silly, laughing and playing on the swings. But I wish I had shared this evening with Jake instead of, The Spence.

  “Do you think love, no matter how wrong, should take precedence over everything else?” I innocently ask, The Spence; giving no hint as to the magnitude his response will have on me.

  The Spence turns around to face me. “That all depends,” he says.

  “I’ll bite. Depends on what?” I ask.

  “On whether you’re talking about me… or Jake.”

  I sit up. What did he just say? Did he say, Jake?

  “It’s pretty obvious the two of you had feelings for each other.”

  “It was?” I say. “How?”

  “No one gets as messed up over a girl unless they’ve boned her,” The Spence says so eloquently.”

  “You knew the entire time?” I questioned.

  “Pretty much. But after the two of you broke up, I figured I had a chance… Do I, Sidney… have a chance?”

  I so much want to say yes… but I can’t. I still want Jake. I’ve tried severing ties, but it’s not working.

  I turn to, The Spence and sit on his lap. I clasp my hands behind his neck and pull him close. I kiss him, just once. Of course, the guy slips in the tongue and shoves his hand down the back of my pants.

  I slap his hand away as I stand. “You can’t let it be just about a goodbye kiss, now could you?”

  The Spence stands up, “Knew it would be my last opp.”

  * * *

  

  The next day, I leave work early and ask my mom to meet me at home. Of course, she’s concerned.

  I don’t know how she’s going to take it. My biggest fear is that she won’t be able to look at me after I tell her.

  We sit at the kitchen table, across from each other. She pours herself a glass of wine in preparation for the news.

  I ask her just to listen first until I’ve said everything I’m going to say.

  My hands shake, my voice quivers as I utter the five words that could break her… “I’m in love with Jake.”

  My mom says nothing. She simply finishes off her glass of wine and pours another. She downs that one as well.

  “If you are ashamed of me… I’m sorry,” I say.

  My mom breaks the silence after my announcement.

  “Sidney, I could never be ashamed of you. I am a bit taken aback, however. You’re brother and sister, for God’s sakes. By marriage, I know. But still. Frankly, I don’t know how to feel, what to think, Sidney. Your relationship changes our entire family dynamic.”

  She pauses for a moment, “Does Ben know?”

  I tell her that Jake told Ben on the plane ride back from the holiday, but that we’ve broken it off.

 

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