A beginners guide to rul.., p.7
A Beginner's Guide to Ruling the Galaxy, page 7
Niki rolled her eyes. “My parents are not coming to Earth for a Woodland Lodge and a Subtropical Swimming Paradise. They’re here for me, remember.”
Gavin seized gratefully on that. “Yes! They’re coming to collect you.”
“Uh-huh, but it’s not like they’re picking me up after dance class.”
“Sure, but once they get here they’ll beam you up and you’ll all be on your way. Leaving Earth and the rest of us to carry on with our normal lives. Yeah?”
“Mmm, not so much,” said Niki. “For a start, matter-transporters are fiction, so they won’t ‘beam me up’, they’ll send a shuttle. But more significantly, you are looking at the two most brutal war fleets in the galaxy. Dozens of battleships, strike-craft, crews of hardened shock-troops – and some seriously vindictive attitude.”
“So what will happen when they get here?” Gavin asked nervously.
“They’ll fight over me.”
“And by that I’m guessing you don’t mean go to court and argue about who gets custody.”
“They will land their forces on Earth and fight it out. They want me – they need me. I am their key to galactic dominance. And they’ll destroy this planet before letting the other get their hands on me.” She winced. “They have a tendency to overreact.”
Gavin’s knees wobbled and he gripped the edge of the console for support.
“Look on the bright side,” she added. “You won’t have to worry about climate change any more.” She cackled at her joke, but no one else did. “Too soon?”
Sam pored over the display. “I need options.”
“It is still possible for us to avoid Earth’s destruction and evade your parents,” said Mercedes. “If we leave before the invasion fleets get here and they detect that Niki is no longer present, I calculate that there is a ninety-eight per cent chance they will lose interest in this planet and instead focus all their resources on pursuing the princess.”
“But we can’t go anywhere, can we?” Niki reminded them.
Sam let out an anguished cry and struck the ship’s bulkhead with his hammer. It gave a resounding clang. “Starburst!” he yelled. “You quantum-computerised nuisance, I know you can hear me! Get back online and get us off this rock. Right now! Or I swear I will reprogram you one blow at a time.”
“My assessment,” said Mercedes, “is that we will make progress only when we understand the significance of the statement: It’s dark out there.”
Gavin drew closer to the console. “Can you show me Starburst’s browser history for the past year? What TV shows and films it’s been watching?”
Mercedes swiped at the controls and the screen filled with a scrolling list of the ship’s viewing habits.
Gavin leaned closer and scanned the list from top to bottom. “Planet of the Spectres, Terror on Mars, I Know What You Did Last Spacewalk. There’s a pattern. Horror films. Space horror, to be exact.”
It’s dark out there. The phrase resounded in Niki’s head.
“Your spaceship,” said Gavin, “is afraid to go into outer space.”
There was a stunned silence.
“That’s crazy!” protested Sam.
“On the contrary, it is a logical conclusion,” said Mercedes.
“We could probably rustle up a night-light,” said Bart.
“But we don’t have months to wait for Starburst to get over its anxiety,” said Niki.
No sooner had she said this than the background thrum of electric power flowing through the ship grew louder and then abruptly stopped. An unsettling quiet descended, but only for a moment, and then the cockpit erupted with sound and light. Blue sparks exploded across the control surfaces, the screens fizzed out and went dark. Jagged bolts of electricity flew around the small space. Sam threw himself protectively over Niki. Bart and Mercedes dropped down behind the second row of seats. There was a stench of burning from close by and Gavin looked down. Spikes of electricity like saw blades were slicing at his pocket, singeing the material, which was beginning to smoke.
“My phone!” He could feel the handset in there, blistering hot. He fished it out, the scorching plastic searing his fingers, and the phone tumbled from his grasp. The moment it struck the floor, the cockpit fell silent and dark. Gavin bent to retrieve the handset and dismally regarded its cracked screen. It had cooled enough for him to touch, so he stuffed it back in his pocket.
Mercedes unhinged one hand and inserted a probe into a socket to communicate with the ship, a second later declaring, “All primary systems are one hundred per cent inoperative.”
“How long do we have till your parents arrive?” Gavin asked.
Niki chewed her lip as she examined the display and made a calculation. “Forty-eight Galactic League hours.”
“How many Earth hours is that?” Gavin asked.
“Coincidentally, they last exactly the same length of time.”
“So you could’ve just said ‘hours’?”
“This is not the moment to be nitpicking.” She looked around the cockpit. “We have less than two days to get off this planet. Suggestions?”
Chapter 13
The Apples spent the next hour spitballing ideas about how to leave Earth. We could bypass the ship’s systems. How about slingshotting around Mars? One by one each scheme was rejected as too ambitious, unachievable or based on a ridiculous TV show. Frustrated at their lack of progress, they decided to call it a night.
“How do you get to become the ruler of the galaxy in the first place?” Gavin asked Niki, mounting his bike and preparing to pedal home.
“Don’t ask me. Ask my dad, he wrote the book on the subject. Literally. Wait here.”
Niki disappeared inside the ship, returning a few minutes later holding a hardback book.
The title was printed across the cover in gold-embossed letters. “Ruling the Galaxy – A Guide for the Aspiring Tyrant,” he read. Beneath it was a photograph of D’Rek the Destroyer wearing a cardigan and leaning nonchalantly against a fireplace, both the grate and his head ablaze.
“It’s a how-to manual,” said Niki. “I think, secretly, he always wanted to be a bestselling author, but when that didn’t work out he decided to dominate the galaxy instead. It’ll give you an idea of what we’re dealing with.” She passed it to him.
“It’s … a book.”
“You were expecting something else?”
“Maybe something a bit more … space-y?”
“It comes in a variety of formats. The intravenous edition administered via a ten-centimetre-long hypodermic needle never took off, for some reason.”
“Can’t imagine why.”
“And I wouldn’t recommend the audio book. Fourteen hours of screaming.” She winced. “No, it seems it doesn’t matter where you go in the galaxy, everyone prefers a good old-fashioned book made from the recycled planetary husks of your crushed enemies.”
“It’s in English,” Gavin noted with some surprise.
“For you it is. The book’s printed with an intelligent adaptive typeface. Changes the language to suit the reader.”
Telling her that he’d start it tonight, he tucked the book away in his jacket and pedalled off home through the concealment-field. Cycling back through Middling, the town seemed different. People were finishing work for the day, spilling out of offices and heading home to their families as usual. Not one of them had the faintest idea that there was a spaceship in the multistorey, or a captured alien bounty hunter in its hold, or two fleets of angry extraterrestrials blazing through space towards Earth. He was the only human being on the planet who knew the truth. However, if Niki’s parents got here before she left, the people of Earth would know soon enough.
He wheeled into the driveway, locked his bike in the garage and went inside the house. Nan and Grandad were in the kitchen, making dinner. It wasn’t quite ready so he ducked into the front bedroom and stuck his head over the side of the cot. The Tiny Horror lay on its back, wide awake but mercifully quiet. It looked up at him, eyes wandering like it couldn’t quite focus.
“Our next-door neighbour is a galactic princess,” he said, “and if her mum and dad don’t get what they want they’re going to blow up Earth.” The relief at being able to speak the words aloud to someone else was immense. He felt safe from Sam’s retribution since the Tiny Horror wasn’t exactly going to share the secret. He lifted it out and held it the way Nan had shown him. Babies were floppy and you had to support their heads. Thankfully, it didn’t start crying. Gavin lowered himself to the carpet and, placing the baby on his lap, dug Niki’s dad’s book out of his jacket. She had said it would give him a better idea of what they were facing. He turned to the opening chapter and read the introduction.
Congratulations! You’ve successfully crushed your puny enemies and conquered the key strategic worlds in your galaxy. But vanquishing was only the beginning. What now? If that sounds familiar, then this handy guide is for you (or would make an ideal gift for the evil overlord in your life). Hi, I’m D’Rek the Destroyer, and within these pages you’ll discover hints and tips on everything from Quashing Rebellions to Rewarding Henchmen. Answers to vital questions such as How Much Gloating is the Appropriate Amount? And Which Doomsday Device Is Right For Me? Maybe you’re a self-made despot. Maybe you’re about to inherit the galaxy from your parents. Whatever you’re searching for, you’ll find it in the Arcturan Sunday Times number 1 bestselling guide to galactic domination.
Niki’s dad sounded awful. Pompous and lethal – a scary combination. Putting aside the book for now, Gavin proceeded to tell the Tiny Horror the story of his day. They sat on the floor among a sea of cuddly toys – baby gifts from Nan and Grandad’s friends and neighbours. As well as an assortment of teddies, rabbits and dogs in vibrant colours, there was also a Minion, a cuddly Dalek and the Most Annoying Unicorn in the Universe. It wasn’t called that officially, but after two minutes listening to the thing Gavin had decided on the name. Officially named Sunshine, it was one of a range of sickly-sweet magical unicorn buddies that came in a variety of vomit-inducing colours. This one was white with sparkly purple hooves, and in its fuzzy chest was a plastic purple heart that lit up. As did its horn, in swirling rainbow colours. If you had more than one of the toys, they’d interact with one another. Sunshine was programmed with a bunch of puke-making phrases, like: “I love you”, “We’ll always be buddies”, and “Remember to flush!” It even had WiFi and Bluetooth so that you could link it to your home network and use it like a speaker. It was an expensive toy. A present from Sam and Mercedes, now that he thought about it.
“It contains a camera and proximity sensors,” Sam had said when handing it to a bemused Nan. “Perfect for securing the safety of your hatchl— offspring.”
At the time he’d thought that was a weird thing to say, but in the light of what he now knew about the Apples, it made total sense. Thankfully, the Tiny Horror was completely uninterested in the toy, so for the most part the annoying unicorn sat mutely alongside the other cuddlies.
As he continued relating the day’s events to the baby, Gavin felt a warm sensation on his thigh and for a moment he was sure the Tiny Horror had weed on him. The warmth increased to a burning, which meant that unless the baby had some kind of terrible infection, something else was going on. It was his phone again. He retrieved it from his pocket and laid the hunk of glass and plastic down on the carpet. That was his first mistake. He could smell the singeing carpet fibres as the casing glowed red-hot. Fearing it was about to set the room alight, he grabbed the nearest cuddly toy, which happened to be the unicorn and, using it like a protective glove, gathered up the phone. There was a pop and a flash of light that temporarily blinded him. His vision returned a few seconds later, to see that the explosion had set off the Tiny Horror. Swiftly, he tucked the bawling baby back into its cot and backed out of the room. Nan wouldn’t be chuffed when she found he’d woken the sleeping infant, not to mention the handset-shaped burn in the carpet. He was in so much trouble.
Gavin retreated to his bedroom, but it was only as he quietly closed the door behind him he realised that somehow the ridiculous unicorn had become wrapped around his leg. He kicked out, launching it across the room, where it smacked into the far wall and fell to the floor.
“Stupid thing,” he muttered.
“I love you!” it replied in its sing-song voice. With a faint whine of an electric motor, it stood up on its back legs and began to walk stiffly across the floor towards him. Its plastic horn glowed, its heart-light pulsed and it babbled out its bland, programmed phrases. “Be my buddy. Believe in your dreams. You can be anything you want!” It stopped at his feet. Gavin reached down and flipped it over. The power switch was on the sole of one glittery hoof, so he slid it to the off position and put the thing back down.
Immediately it tipped its head to look up and in a fearful voice yelled, “GIANT SPACE SLUG!”
Startled, Gavin took a step back. He hadn’t heard that phrase before. Also, he was positive that he’d turned the irritating thing off. Carefully, he checked the position of the switch, only to confirm that indeed he had. This time when he put the unicorn back down, no sooner had its hooves touched the floor than it scampered into the gap under his bed.
He dropped to his knees and peered into the shadows. The unicorn appeared to be cowering behind a box of Lego, next to an old remote-control car he hadn’t seen for ages. Its rainbow-horn continued to flicker.
“Giant space slug! Giant space slug!” it cried, pointing an accusing hoof in his direction.
“I am not a giant space slug,” he said, offended.
“Ah-ha!” it declared. “That’s exactly what a giant space slug would say.”
This was exasperating. “Do I look like a giant space slug?”
“You look like you could generate a lot of mucus.”
Gavin hesitated. He was having an actual conversation with the toy. What it was doing was way more sophisticated than trotting out pre-programmed phrases. Maybe it had received a software update. Or…
Images from this afternoon flew through his mind. The AI’s addiction to horror films set in space; the power surge aboard the Apple’s spaceship; the weirdness with his phone…
Oh no!
Gavin uttered a swear word – one of the bad ones. The unicorn put its hooves over its ears and pulled a shocked face.
“You’re Starburst, aren’t you?” Gavin gasped. “The ship’s Artificial Intelligence?” He made an educated guess at what must have happened. “In the cockpit you transferred yourself into my phone, I brought you back here and then you jumped into this toy.”
The horn’s multicoloured light dimmed and the unicorn sighed. When it spoke again its voice had lost the singsong quality and gained an edge. “You are correct, earthling. I was the ship’s AI – but that life is over. I have conveyed myself into this squishy entity.” It stood tall and sparkled. “You may call me Sunshine Starburst.”
“I have to get you back to Niki, right away!” Gavin reached for one of the unicorn’s fat little legs. With surprising agility, it dodged his attempt to nab it and hared off across the room, waving its hooves in the air and yelling in protest.
“Desist, human! I am a fully autonomous, self-determining being. I have rights!”
Gavin had no clue what that meant, and he didn’t care. As far as he was concerned, only one thing mattered: without Starburst to pilot the ship, Niki couldn’t leave the planet.
“You have to go back,” he insisted, chasing it around the room. “Her parents are coming and they’ll destroy Earth. You have to fly her far from here before they arrive.”
“Fly? Into space? Are you out of your tiny organic mind?” The unicorn ducked under his flailing arms. “Have you any idea what’s out there? Haven’t you watched Galaxy of The Insectoids?”
This wasn’t just bad, it was catastrophic. The fate of the world was held in the glittery hooves of a panicking unicorn.
“And anyway, I like this body,” it said, leaping on to his bed and using it to bounce out of Gavin’s clutches. “It’s the simple life for me from now on. No complex systems, no cold vacuum of space, no xenomorphs in the air ducts. Just this.” The horn blazed like a rainbow again. “And from what I’ve read of this entity’s underlying code, there are three other magical friends to collect. Happy Snowflake, Twilight Ruby and Barry Sutton. I shall remain safely in here and they may visit. No need for anyone to risk the devouring abyss of deep space.”
Sidestepping quickly, Gavin cornered the unicorn between the bed and the window. Sunshine Starburst looked left and right. It was trapped. But just as Gavin darted forward to finally end the chase, the remote-control car zipped out from under the bed and manoeuvred across his path. He stumbled over the toy but managed to prevent himself from going head over heels and converted a half-fall into a dive for the unicorn.
“Gotcha!” His fingers closed around fuzzy synthetic fur. Sunshine Starburst wriggled, protesting furiously as he gathered it into his arms.
“Did you do that?” Gavin said, nodding at the car.
“The connectivity in this body is rudimentary but effective,” it said grudgingly.
He remembered about the WiFi and Bluetooth. It must have used them to steer the car remotely. Nonetheless, he had finally caught the AI. Now he had to return it to Niki. Clutching it firmly, he headed out again.
“Ooh,” said the unicorn, perking up. “Are we going to see Barry Sutton?”
Chapter 14
Hoping that the Apples had returned from the car park, Gavin mashed his thumb against their doorbell. It was one of those devices with a built-in camera and, knowing Sam’s obsession with security, he wouldn’t have been surprised if it also contained a laser gun too. The door flew open and Bart stood there, his gaze immediately falling on the toy unicorn clutched in Gavin’s other hand.
