Magic after midlife omni.., p.39
Magic After Midlife Omnibus, page 39
“Good to see you, Rose.” I looked around as if confused. “But I think I got the wrong office. I was looking for two twenty-one?”
The men joined us.
“The criminal law firm?” Don said. “Other end of the hall.”
Eli’s eyes narrowed.
“Great. Thanks.” I spun around, but Eli draped an arm over my shoulder.
“Hey Rose,” he said, steering me out the door. “Give me a second with Mir.”
“No problem.”
Once in the hallway, Eli dropped his voice. “Criminal law firm? Are you in trouble?”
I shrugged out from under his arm. “It’s work business.”
“Why does an artist’s memoirs require the services of a criminal lawyer?”
Tempting as it was to joke about Tatiana being a part-time serial killer, complete with a clown costume, the faster I got rid of Eli, the faster I could speak to Don Egerts.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but Tatiana sent me to get some documents pertaining to a libel case she had with a gallery owner a few years back.”
There really had been a gallery owner, but the “libel case” had been a magic duel that left Tatiana’s minion dead and the gallery a smoldering pile of rubble. That fact had been annoying when Laurent had texted it to me as yet another reason why I should quit, but it came in handy now as creative inspiration.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” I said frostily. “I won’t take up more of your time.”
He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I’ve taken advantage of your generosity over the years. I got used to you always being available.”
His apology was genuine, but it landed with a hollow thud at the realization of how little time I’d carved out for myself while Sadie was growing up.
“I forgive you. And when the day comes that I seek a new job,” I said, “I’ve found an employment agency.”
Eli glanced back at the firm’s door. “Don’t use this guy.”
“Why not? Too many one-star reviews?”
“Nothing like that. He seems all aboveboard but in addition to the regular monitored security system on the office, Egerts has a biometric lock on his personal office door.”
“Like a retinal scan?”
“More cutting edge.”
“Do tell.” I leaned in.
Eli chuckled. “Oh no. That’s your ‘hungry for new facts’ face.”
I poked him. “Consider it part of your apology and explain in detail.” Years of teasing about my love of random facts were finally playing into my favor. Eli had no clue that this information was important to me for more than just trivia.
“Most alarms use motion sensors,” he said, “which can be defeated, but this one identifies and authenticates the individual from their unique electrocardiogram signature. I don’t think it’s even available to the general public yet.”
“So this Egerts is the only one who can get past his door. Fascinating. What if someone got into the office a different way? Like through a window?”
“Wouldn’t matter. Even if someone found an alternate entrance, the monitor would scan the heartbeat, compare it to Don’s, and sound the alarm.”
I glanced back at the sign next to the door. “That’s hardcore for an employment agency.”
Eli scratched his jaw. “He’s up to something. My guess is money laundering, but it’s not my area and not my problem. I’ll get the white collar crimes unit to look into it.”
Sadie texted, asking permission to sleep over with a few other girls after Hannah’s pool party.
“The child?” Eli said.
“How’d you know?” I messaged back that it was okay if Tracy gave permission.
“You either give a half-smile like you’re doing now, or you snort.”
I smacked him. “I do not, you freak.”
He placed his hand on his heart. “Swear to God.”
“You’re an atheist.” I got a thumbs-up emoji from my daughter.
“Still, don’t ever take up poker.”
“I could have married an accountant,” I said. “Way fewer creeper skills.”
“Yeah. Wow.” He tapped his detective’s badge. “You really screwed the pooch on that one.”
“Right?” Less than a minute later, I got another text from the mom, saying it was fine.
Rose poked her head out. “You guys done?”
“Yeah, I guess I’ll get to the law firm.”
“We good?” Eli said.
Totally—except for the guilt I felt at lying about this case.
“All good.” I returned Rose’s wave and strode down the hallway.
As soon as their footsteps faded away, I cloaked myself and returned to the employment agency, waiting until another client exited to sail through the door unnoticed.
Bless my ex for all that intel. This extreme alarm system on Don’s office door confirmed he was an Ohrist.
Don had rocketed to the top of my suspect list. He’d kept something in his office that he didn’t want anyone of magic abilities getting their hands on. Had Raj managed somehow to bypass the system, stolen this item, and fled? I had to get inside that office to find out.
Remaining cloaked, I peeked through the glass of the different offices until I found Don’s. The door was closed, but that was perfect for my needs. I examined the lock, which was connected to the heartbeat sensor, but didn’t learn anything new.
If I could have sent Delilah through the crack under the door to look through his things, I would have, but when animated, she was a living shadow. When I looked at her closely, I could just make out the faint tremor of my heartbeat rippling her surface.
She’d set off the alarm.
I was down but not out. Smiling, I headed downstairs back to the lobby. Wasn’t it fortunate that I knew a golem who’d be perfect for the job?
10
If you haven’t seen a red clay golem clad in a gold lamé catsuit, sitting spread-eagle on a leather couch watching Golden Girls, have you really lived?
The answer was a vehement yes, and if I could have scrubbed the image from my retinas, I’d have been on it in a flash.
I stood in front of the television. “Well?”
Emmett pushed me out of the way with a black cane topped with a silver dragon that he’d received back when one of his legs had been broken off. “Breaking and entering sounds like a lot of work.”
“Is it work or is it a fun adventure?”
He banged the cane twice against the ground. “I need a drink!”
There was a growl from the kitchen and my best friend charged out, murder in her eyes.
I shoved her back into the room. “Breathe.”
Standing in Jude’s kitchen was like being inside a kaleidoscope but in a good way, with its cheerful yellow walls and her colorful ceramic art decorating an antique distressed bookcase. Even better, it smelled like cookies.
“I’ll give you a million dollars to give me one night off from Downton Abbey out there,” she said, grabbing an oven mitt. “Not only has he stretched out the top of my favorite Halloween costume, if I hear that Golden Girls theme song one more time, I’m going to snap.” She poked her left eye. “Look. I’ve developed a twitch.” She checked the tray of snickerdoodles inside the oven, before adding another couple minutes to the timer. “You think Laurent wants him?”
I laughed. “Ask him and record his response. Let me see if I can get Emmett off your hands for a couple hours at least.” I walked back into the living room, taking a seat under the abstract tapestry hanging on Jude’s wall. “Emmett. Turn off the show and talk to me.”
“But this is a good one. Dorothy snarks at Blanche.”
“That’s every episode.” I grabbed the remote and shut off the flat screen television. “You can’t sit on the sofa all day. You said it yourself. Golems need to be useful.” I nudged his side. “You’re the only one who can break in to this office.”
“Because I’m smart?”
“Uh…”
He frowned. “Stealthy?”
“Yes?”
He crossed his arms.
“Because you don’t have a heartbeat,” I said. He threw his hands up with a huff. “Come on. How many others can claim that skill?”
“Every single vampire,” the golem said.
“If you want to be technical about it, sure, but they still can’t get in.”
“Why not?” His hand drifted to the remote, so I grabbed it and stuffed it under my ass.
“Bloodsuckers can go into any public space, like the reception area of a company or even a workspace shared by many employees, but not a private office. Same rules apply as a house. Even though they don’t have heartbeats, they can’t enter that office uninvited.” I’d educated myself on the whys and wherefores of all things undead in the past couple of weeks. “You are literally the only one in the world that can break in and look around Don’s office. That makes you special.”
“That makes me valuable,” he said with a sly look. “Ten thousand dollars.”
“A hundred bucks and I won’t let Jude unmake you.” I nodded my chin at my best friend now holding a meat cleaver with a deranged grin.
“No deal. All that and you take me on as your partner,” he said.
I wanted this loose cannon working with me on the regular about as much as a hole in the head, but since it was unlikely I’d ever have any more jobs for him, I was willing to negotiate this point. “I’ll farm out assignments to you if I can, like a sub-contractor, but you need to fix your appearance and become a lot more inconspicuous.”
“No problem.” Digging under the cushions, he unearthed Jude’s Cher wig and slapped it on his shiny bald head.
Jude brandished the cleaver, but I grabbed her arm. “We’ll work on the disguise.”
I brought Emmett home with me, since Sadie wouldn’t be there and Eli was still at work. I even let him ride in the passenger seat, though I made him put on an enormous floppy hat and giant sunglasses so if he attracted attention, it wouldn’t be because he was a supernatural being with unnatural red clay skin, merely a bohemian woman with manly shoulders.
“Why is your house the color of rotten cottage cheese?” He half-heartedly opened the door to the coat closet in the front hall, then brightened and pulled out Sadie’s purple velvet trench coat. “I want this.”
“My house is beige, not rotten,” I said, wrestling him for the hanger, “and that’s not yours.”
“No shit. That’s why I want it. Other people’s stuff is more interesting.” This golem needed a steady diet of Sesame Street life lessons stat.
With a grunt, I got the coat away from Emmett and he wandered into my kitchen.
“Maybe not your stuff though,” he said, with a sniff.
“I’d forgotten what a delight you are.”
He shrugged, uncapping a bottle of sambuca from my liquor cabinet. “That’s on you.”
Delilah rose up and smacked him.
Emmett startled, almost dropping the bottle. “I’d forgotten how mean you are.”
“That’s on you. Now stay here while I find you some better clothes. And don’t drink.” I ran upstairs into Sadie’s room, rummaging through her dresser for the old pair of her dad’s sweats that she had. Eli and Emmett were about the same height, both around five-foot-ten. I held up the black track pants and top and snickered. The two weren’t built all that differently either.
“Oooh,” I heard the golem say from far too nearby. “Now this is interesting.”
There was a buzzing noise.
“Argh!” I ran into my bedroom to find Emmett using my vibrator on his shoulder. I tackled him, sending my toy flying across the room. It hit the wall then spun merrily on my floor. I smacked Emmett over and over again, the golem covering his head with his hands. “Don’t. Touch. Someone. Else’s. Vibrator.”
Emmett gave a full body shudder and somehow managed to go pale. “Vibrator?”
I picked the toy up, turning it off and tossing it back in my bedside drawer with a mental note to boil it. Or burn it. “What did you think it was?”
“The box says personal massager.” He slapped his shoulder. “Ew. Ew. Ew. Vag cooties!”
I sat down on my bed, looking up at my ceiling as if I’d find a heavy dose of patience hiding there. “That’s not a thing.”
“Oh, yeah?” He grabbed the sweats that I’d dropped during the tackle. “What about pubic lice?”
“Are you implying I have them?” I smacked him.
He rubbed his shoulder. “No, but that’s a thing,” he said sulkily.
“Well, I guess, okay… how do you know about pubic lice and not that a personal massager is a euphemism for a sex toy?”
“I have the soul of a porn mag kingpin and the life experience of a vestal virgin. I’m a conundrum.”
“Put the sweats on.”
I kept him quiet for the rest of the evening by letting him spend time with his four favorite women: Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia. The first couple of times I sang along to the theme song, by the fifth I’d removed myself to a different room, after the eighth listen, I, too, had developed a twitch. It was almost as bad as when a twenty-month-old Sadie had insisted on watching “The Lonely Goatherd” on repeat for a week straight.
Sure, if I listened to the parenting experts, she should have been exposed to only twenty minutes of screen time, three times a week maximum, but she’d turned out fine. I looked at the small framed photo of her laden down in every single scarf she owned—about fifteen of them—and mugging at the camera. Mostly fine.
Right before we headed out, my phone rang with a blocked number, which I didn’t bother to answer since it was probably a telemarketer.
We timed our arrival to ten minutes before Aries Employment closed for the night. Emmett, now in black sweats and a black baseball cap with his feet stuffed into a pair of Sadie’s size ten runners, skulked outside, armed with a walkie talkie that I’d found from a long-ago trip to Disneyland.
With my cloaking in place, it was a piece of cake to learn the alarm code for the main office. I stood very still until the last employee had locked up, punched in the code, and called Emmett on the walkie. I stayed invisible while I ran back down to the lobby to open the front door for him, and then we were in.
I’d made the golem up with a bottle’s worth of cheap drugstore foundation so that any red skin on his face was now a pasty white person color and he wore gloves on his hands. If he was glimpsed on the hallway security cameras under his cap, he’d look human enough to pass.
Luckily, there were no cameras in the agency itself, so I dropped my magic.
Since Egerts’s personal office door had that biometric scanner on it, I wasn’t sure if opening it even without a heartbeat would trigger the alarm, so I ordered Emmett to punch the glass panel next to it, but it didn’t crack.
“It’s that unbreakable shit,” I said. “Keep at it.”
While he smashed away, I checked for security guards out on the second floor, because Emmett was being loud. I breathed a sigh of relief once the glass shattered and he ducked through into the office.
Locking the agency door, I sat down next to the hole he’d made and peered inside.
Whatever Raj had in the satchel couldn’t have been that large. Don’s shelves held a number of industry awards and the filing cabinets contained contracts and miscellaneous paperwork.
“Hand me the laptop.” I went through some common password combinations, getting lucky with “Aries1,” while Emmett scoured the office for anything out of the ordinary and any sign of a safe.
Don’s browser history was full of hentai porn and the thought of going through his documents made me shudder, but I couldn’t take the laptop with me. He might or might not file a police report over broken glass, but throw in a stolen laptop and he’d at least want the insurance replacement. I scanned through everything fast as I could, but they were boring spreadsheets and client documents.
“There’s no safe,” Emmett said.
“Check the desk drawers for a false bottom.” The laptop was a bust.
“False bottom for the win.” Emmett held up a small black notebook.
“Toss it over.” I slid the laptop through the hole in the glass for Emmett to put back on the desk, and flipped through the first couple of pages in the notebook, finding initials written next to dates and some kind of code.
Was this the reason for Don’s alarm? I revised my theory. Perhaps Raj hadn’t stolen from Don, but had worked with him to rip someone else off? My gut was telling me this notebook was the reason for the heartbeat alarm. Now to decode it. “We’ve got a lead.”
“Oh good. Saves me the trouble,” Laurent said, entering.
“Ah!” I pressed my hand to my heart. I was so getting him a bell. I eyed the agency door, wondering if he’d show me how to pick a lock sometime. “Did you follow me?”
Laurent wore all black, with a baseball cap covering his curls, the brim pulled low, and sunglasses covering most of his face. “First I followed the investigating detectives. Libel case, huh?”
I startled. “You spied on my private conversation?”
“You mean the one with your ex-husband who’s the lead detective on this murder case? Then yes.”
“If you hadn’t been so boneheaded about working with me, you’d have known that. I didn’t even see you.”
“Oh, Mitzi.” He sighed contemptuously. “When are you going to realize you are so outmatched?”
“Stalker.”
“I prefer to think of it as working smart, not hard. I’m not some amateur.”
I held up the notebook. “Well, I’m an amateur with the victim’s name and a notebook written in code. How you doing, Sherlock?”
“You weren’t the only one I’ve been stalking,” Laurent said. “Topher went to the Bear’s Den looking for Harry.”
The Bear’s Den was this awesome Ohrist speakeasy hidden in the basement of a parking garage. Harry was its gargoyle bartender.
“Why Harry?” I said.
“He’s known as a neutral party. If you want to get a message to someone and you’re worried about delivering it yourself, Harry’ll do it.”
