The jump, p.18
The Jump, page 18
She heard a noise and turned back. The Porpoise had slumped on its side, taking on more water with a thwack and slurp, the port side of the hull exposed, but only a little, most of it already underwater. This could work, she thought.
She pushed towards land, imagining herself a porpoise gliding through the water as if it wasn’t there, at one with the sea. The water was her plaything, hers to manipulate. Her arms and legs were aching, but it was a good ache, it felt righteous and worthwhile.
Up ahead Ben was splashing through the waves. As the shore got nearer she could make out individual deer, their heads turned away, not worrying about anything approaching from the water.
She closed her eyes and breathed, head in, head out, breathe, just keep going. She pictured Jack sinking to the bottom of the Forth, weighed down by rocks. She pictured Logan falling through the air, less than six elephants to destruction. She imagined Sam doing the same, meeting up with his father and Logan at the bottom of the ocean, a crowded bustle of all the people who ever died in the Firth of Forth, all suddenly alive and sharing their stories, the terrible, ordinary lives that had led to their deaths, a thousand people jumping off the bridge since it was built, more than the congregation of a church, or the entire roll of a school, all waiting on the seabed for others to join them, for Ben and Ellie to join that blissful release.
Ben was slowing down ahead of her and she caught him up. They were still a hundred yards from shore. He said something to her but she couldn’t make it out, then his head went under. She stopped, treaded water. His head and one arm came back above the surface, his other hand reaching down to his lower leg, grabbing at his calf muscle.
Cramp.
His head went under again.
She waited a few seconds.
This time he didn’t come back up.
She dived under, trying to see through the murk, the saline stinging her eyes. She powered over to where he had disappeared, grasping at the water, pushing downwards, turning and stretching her hands out. She saw movement out the corner of her eye and spun round again, kicked and stroked towards the swirl in the gloom. She spread her arms and made wide sweeping movements from left to right. Eventually she felt the material of his suit brush against the back of her outstretched hand and grabbed at his body. She got a hand under his armpit and hauled him upwards, kicking furiously to get back to the surface. She could feel his heartbeat through the wetsuit.
They broke the surface, Ellie gasping, Ben coughing and choking.
‘I’ve got you,’ she said.
She leaned back and pulled him with her arm around his chest, her other arm making deep strokes in the water, her legs kicking hard under his body. Ben was limp in her embrace to begin with, then slowly began to stroke with his right arm, the one he had free of her body. Between them they started to get some momentum, small surges through the wash, every stroke taking them a few inches closer to land.
‘Sorry,’ Ben spluttered through the water.
Ellie shook her head and whispered in his ear. ‘Don’t speak.’
She shot a glance behind her. The shore was seventy yards away. She felt the muscles in her thighs and calves begin to cramp up, burning spasms. She rested a moment then kicked again, the pain returning stronger, her arms thrashing in the water, the waves bobbing over their mouths as they slipped under then came back up for breath, salt on her lips. More strokes, more kicks, the last of her energy draining, Ben’s too, she could feel it, just keep going, keep stroking and kicking and breathing. Stroke, stroke, stroke. Gasp for air. Her lungs heaving, legs on fire, arms like jelly, Ben’s back on her chest, the two of them a single entity fighting to stay alive.
She snuck a glance behind. Forty yards. They were moving excruciatingly slowly now, hardly making headway, their heads dropping below the surface, then back up, necks strained to gulp in air. All Ellie could hear was her heartbeat in her ears, roaring. She kicked and kicked but her muscles refused to respond, constant cramp and spasm, no energy left. They ducked under the water again and Ellie thrashed her arm and legs, trying to get back to the surface. Ben was a dead weight on top of her now, pushing down on her chest. Her lungs ached and she longed to breathe, the urge to open her mouth almost overpowering. She kicked through the pain, through the cramp, sweeping her hand out, moving upwards inch by inch, so close to the surface she could almost smell the salty air, her muscles seizing up all along her legs from her groin to her toes.
She broke the surface, heaved in air, thrashed her limbs, panic filling her mind, kicking and pushing through pain like she’d never experienced before, Ben still in her grasp, his head lolling backwards.
They went under again, Ellie gulping in a mix of air and water as they sank. Her body was empty, utterly drained, as she stroked weakly and tried to muster her legs to move.
She kicked out for what felt like the last time she could manage, and felt pebbles scrabble and tumble under her toes. She threw her leg out again, scuffed her heel against the bottom, tried to get purchase, kicking towards shore, kicking to get her footing. She lost balance and sank down again, Ben’s body pressing on her, then she began to get a solid footing on the stones, eventually managing to dig her heels in until she was suddenly standing, her feet on the ground, her body connected with the solid earth, as she hauled Ben with her.
‘Ben,’ she said. ‘We’ve done it.’
He didn’t speak, didn’t open his eyes.
She felt ground under her feet as she walked backwards. The cramp surged through her calves and thighs. She grabbed Ben by the scruff of his wetsuit and dragged him towards the beach, staggering and stumbling as her legs gave way, her arms numb.
She got him to the edge of the beach and collapsed next to him.
‘Ben.’
Nothing.
She rolled him on to his side, hit his back hard.
Nothing.
‘Fuck’s sake.’
She put him on his back, pinched his nose, tilted his head and placed her mouth on his. She’d seen in an advert somewhere that you didn’t do that any more, but fuck it, that’s the way she’d been taught.
Stopped and pushed on his chest six times. Six elephants.
Went back to his mouth, did the same again.
Then the chest.
Nothing.
She slapped his face hard. ‘Come on, Ben.’
She pinched his nose again, breathed into his mouth, taking large gulps of air in between and blowing till her cheeks burned.
She hammered his chest, six thrusts, this time pushing with all her might, imagining his chest cavity collapsing under the force, her hands grasping through the ribs, her fingers wrapping tight around his heart, squeezing it back to life.
Still nothing. She punched his chest.
‘Don’t leave me, you fucker,’ she shouted.
She gave him mouth to mouth once more. Pictured her breath streaming into his lungs, dissipating into his bloodstream.
She pushed on his chest, throwing all her weight behind it.
One. ‘Come on.’
Two. ‘Live.’
Three. ‘Fucking live.’
Four. ‘I need you to live.’
He coughed and gasped, seawater spouting out his mouth as his chest began to rise and fall. He wheezed air into his lungs then turned his head to the side and puked into the pebbles, gulping in air and groaning.
Ellie slumped over his body, spent.
‘Jesus,’ he gasped.
‘Thank God,’ Ellie said, her body shaking.
Ben lay there for a long time with his eyes closed, drawing breath like it was the sweetest taste on earth.
Eventually he opened his eyes and turned his head.
‘You saved me,’ he said, his voice just a whisper.
37
She didn’t know how long they lay there getting their breath back, trying to stop their arms and legs from shaking. The relief was overwhelming and Ellie found herself laughing as she stared at thick white clouds flitting across the sky.
‘What are you laughing at?’ Ben said.
She turned to him as if they were lying in bed together, a couple making small talk. ‘I don’t know.’
The sound of her laugh scared the deer. There was a shuffle of hooves, legs swishing through grass and the herd scattered into the woods.
Ellie stood up, her footing uncertain on the pebbles, and looked out to sea.
She couldn’t see the Porpoise.
‘We did it.’
Ben pushed on to his elbows then sat up, holding his hand out for help.
‘Here,’ Ellie said, pulling him up.
He got his balance and followed her gaze. Just the grey-brown motion of the water, the never-ending undulations of it, the shifting patterns of waves, forever restless.
But no boat. No hull sticking out, no rigging slapping the waves, nothing.
‘It sank,’ Ben said.
‘It did.’
Ellie scanned the grounds behind them. No one about. A small beach, a grassy field next to it, then some thin forest along the coast heading east.
‘We need to get back,’ she said. ‘Are you OK to walk?’
Ben nodded.
They picked their way off the beach and into the field. It was a couple of miles straight back to Port Edgar, but they’d have to take a detour once they left the grounds of Hopetoun House, avoid the coast road by heading up through higher fields and woods. The stately home hosted expensive weddings and business meetings, and Ellie smiled as she imagined a wedding party coming across two strangers in wetsuits and bare feet staggering into shot for their photographs outside the big mansion.
They walked to the end of Bog Wood then left the grounds of the house, sticking to the coast. After a while they cut round the back of Society Point, the same houses Ellie had walked past when Jack dropped her off out this way. She thought of Jack lying at the bottom of the Forth, weighed down, fish nosing at him.
They cut across the road and into a field, picking their way between cowpats. Only a thin row of trees gave them cover from a factory and office to their right. To the left was East Shore Wood, but they couldn’t risk going further in, Ellie knew from jogging that dog walkers used it. They cut across Linn Mill and through more fields. Under tree cover they scurried across Society Road and walked down until they met Shore Road, the back way into Port Edgar.
Ellie had left the car parked at the other end of the marina, so they had to take the high road round the busy centre, avoiding the clubhouse and coastguard. The car was sitting in an isolated corner of the overflow car park, in the shadow of the bridge. The noise from there now was morphine to Ellie’s mind, calming her, making her feel at peace, like she belonged. She realised right then that she would always feel at home here.
The car park was uneven gravel and it hurt her feet as she picked her way across. No one else was around. Just her, Ben and the bridge. She looked at the enormous legs supporting the structure and imagined trolls heaving round from the other side, smelling their blood and coming to gobble them up.
She reached the car and pulled the door open. She’d left it unlocked, the key in the glove compartment. She opened it and took the key out. Ben opened the passenger door and got in. The wet arses of their suits made damp patches on the seats as they sat down. She pulled her door closed and put the key in, turned the ignition and felt the engine bump into life, vibrations through her body.
She laid her head back against the headrest and turned to Ben. He looked so tired. She couldn’t imagine what she must look like to him. She wiped gravel off the soles of her feet then revved the engine and put it into gear.
38
Ellie stood at the front door and wavered. Despite what they’d done, it felt good being out on the water, just her and Ben, like old times. As soon as she opened this door the real world would come pouring back in.
Ben put a hand on her back. ‘Come on, we’re almost done.’
She turned to him. ‘You think?’
He shrugged. She loved that he didn’t even try to bullshit her, another reason they were meant for each other. She opened the door and they went in. Sam met them in the hall, looking at their wetsuits and dirty feet.
‘Are you OK?’ he said.
Ellie touched his shoulder and ushered him into the living room. Libby was sitting on the sofa watching a cartoon. She turned and frowned.
‘We need to talk,’ Ellie said. ‘But Ben and I have to get changed first. Wait here.’
They went upstairs and stripped out the suits, dumping them in the bath. They towelled themselves off then threw on joggers and T-shirts. The stink of brine was all over them. Ellie rinsed her feet with the showerhead, then Ben did the same.
They went downstairs and Ellie headed into the kitchen and filled the kettle, a reflex action. As it began hissing, she walked through to the living room.
Not my family, she reminded herself. This is not my family.
The end credits were rolling as Libby switched the television off.
‘Sit down,’ Ellie said to Sam.
Sam felt for the arm of the sofa and lowered himself.
‘We got rid of the problem,’ Ellie said.
‘You dumped his body?’ Libby said.
Ellie nodded.
‘Out at sea,’ Ben said.
‘Won’t he just float back to shore?’ Sam said.
Ellie rubbed her cheek, felt the burns on her hand. ‘We weighed him down.’
‘What with?’ Libby said.
Ellie frowned as Ben spoke. ‘Don’t worry, he won’t be found.’
Sam stared at Ellie then Ben. ‘Why were you in wetsuits?’
‘We had to ditch the boat,’ Ellie said. ‘Too much evidence.’
‘You sank your boat?’ Libby said.
‘Yes,’ Ben said.
‘And swam to shore?’
Ben nodded.
Libby pointed out the back window. ‘Just out there?’
Ellie shook her head. ‘Further along the coast, away from prying eyes. I’m pretty sure no one saw us.’
Silence for a long moment.
‘Thank you,’ Sam said.
Libby looked awkward. ‘Yeah, thanks.’
Sam stood up. ‘So what now?’
Ellie glanced at Ben. ‘You two go home,’ she said.
Libby shook her head. ‘I want to stay here.’
‘That’s impossible,’ Ben said.
‘Why?’
She was really just a kid, didn’t get the way things worked.
Ellie sat next to her on the sofa. ‘Alison is your mum, your legal guardian, you have to go back.’
‘I don’t want to,’ Libby said. ‘She knew what Dad was doing.’
Ellie shook her head. ‘You don’t know that.’
‘Trust me, she knew.’
‘It’s not that simple,’ Ellie said. She didn’t want to defend Alison, but found herself in that position all the same. ‘Maybe on some level she suspected, but you can’t say she knew. She’s your mum, Libby, think about that.’
‘And he was my dad,’ Libby said, hands in her lap. ‘Think about that.’
Ellie placed a hand on hers. ‘Look, you have to go back. It’s the only way. At the moment, no one even knows your dad’s missing. And there’s no law against going missing, not for grown-ups. If he chose to wander off and start a new life, that’s that. That’s what we play up to.’
Sam frowned. ‘I don’t know how this is going to work.’
Ben looked at Ellie.
‘You and Libby go home,’ Ellie said. ‘Sam, you say you’ve been sleeping rough since the day Jack was stabbed. You could say you were in that old warehouse, that way it’s more like the truth. Say you panicked in the morning when you came downstairs and saw your dad had been stabbed by an intruder, and you ran away. Say you’ve been confused and worried this whole time.’
Ellie turned to Libby. ‘You say you got in touch with him, then went to make sure he was OK. You stayed last night at the warehouse with him. Now you’ve both decided to come home.’
‘It won’t work,’ Sam said.
Ellie stood up. ‘It will as long as they don’t suspect you. At the moment, why should they? Your dad didn’t tell them anything. You ran, but you were scared. That’s a reasonable reaction for a teenager. Especially one with your issues.’
‘I don’t know.’
Ben turned to Sam. ‘What’s the alternative?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘If you don’t go home, what are you going to do? You can’t stay here. You’ll have to keep running forever. Start a new life somewhere people don’t know you. Never see your sister again.’
‘I could go with him,’ Libby said.
‘Then you’d really be in trouble,’ Ben said. ‘That would be abducting a minor, you’d definitely have the police after you.’
‘It’s the only way,’ Ellie said. ‘It won’t be easy, but you can ride it out. Just don’t say anything, keep the information to a minimum. Don’t tell them about the abuse, don’t tell them about the stabbing, don’t tell them about me or Ben. Just don’t say anything you don’t have to.’
‘And what about Mum?’ Sam said.
Ellie held out her hands. ‘What about her?’
‘What do we tell her?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Really?’
Libby spoke up. ‘Are we supposed to keep up the lie forever?’
Ellie walked to the mantelpiece and looked at the picture of Logan, ran a finger along it and shrugged. ‘The alternative is to go to the police station and tell them the truth.’
