Wild with all regrets, p.25
Wild with All Regrets, page 25
“Jamie . . . ” Lucas whispered. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I was wrong, and I’m making things right now.”
“You don’t have to, Lucas. I forgive you, and I love you. You never abandoned me, you never let me go. You have my blessing to live, happily and freely.”
Lucas laughed, putting his head in his hands. Why now? Why was this happening now, when it was too late? Oh, Jamie . . . you beautiful, kind, gentle fool. “Okay. Thank you, Jamie.” He had returned with a single goal in mind, to absolve Lucas, to free him . . . fuck.
It was too perfect, wasn’t it? Lucas wondered if this made it more likely that Jamie wasn’t real, that his own mind had re-conjured him in his last weeks for a final absolution. Then again, Jamie’d never had it in him to harbor resentment or anger for long. It was in his character to return. He hadn’t been expecting Jamie to absolve him so completely— to just forgive him outright, to want Lucas to find a better life for himself, to live long, well, and happily. Why had he come? Why now, when it was too bloody late to— how could he fucking face death like this? How could he die knowing he and Jamie could have had a life—well, something like it—together?
Jamie frowned, taking a moment at last to peer at his surroundings. “Lucas? I have to ask . . . What the hell are we doing in a prison cell?”
Lucas met Jamie’s gaze and smiled. “It doesn’t matter.” He reached out and touched the space Jamie’s hand occupied. “Let’s just say I have some debts to pay.”
“Lucas?”
He shook his head. “Don’t worry, Jamie. Don’t worry. I’ll be all right, okay? It won’t be long; I’ll meet you back at the flat when it’s over.”
“You want me to . . . leave?”
Lucas kept smiling. How could he force Jamie to watch his death? How could he stay strong in front of the man he loved?
“It was lovely to see you, Jamie. I’m so grateful. I’m so glad.”
Jamie frowned, his eyes shifting slightly like they always did when he was putting something together in that brilliant mind of his.
“Lucas . . .?” he said softly. “You’re not ever getting out of this cell, are you?”
Lucas opened his mouth to lie, but somehow couldn’t form the words. He shook his head and looked down at his knees.
“No. No. You didn’t. You didn’t, right? Please, Lucas.”
“Jamie . . . I—I had to confess. To—to your murder.” He managed a rueful smile. “They . . . um . . . they’re putting me to death at the end of the month.”
Jamie’s eyes widened and he shook his head violently. “Lucas. Lucas, no. I— I had to come back to you but I never . . . oh God, Lucas.”
“It’s okay, Jamie. I had to make things right. I stole the sun from the sky, and it’s time I paid the price for it.”
Jamie’s tears ran down his face, sparkling as the sunlight went through his shimmering form. “You idiot. You didn’t have to do that.”
“I did. And there’s nothing I can do about it now.” Lucas reached out and cupped the spot where Jamie’s cheek was. “This is probably why you’re here, Jamie. To absolve me, to set me free. You’ve brought light back into my life in a way I never thought possible, and you helped me come to terms with my sins and my crimes. Jamie, I want you to leave me here. I don’t want you to watch me die, I want you to go to heaven like you deserve and . . . and . . . ”
“I’m not leaving you here, Lucas. I won’t leave you to die alone, I won’t do it. You let me die as a man, Lucas. You let me keep my humanity, my dignity . . . you made sure I wasn’t alone, you made sure that even in my last moments I felt safe and loved. You would never, ever hurt me, Lucas, I know that. Let me be here with you.”
“Jamie, stop.” Lucas felt his resolve waver, he imagined spending the rest of his days with Jamie’s spirit at his side; he imagined the life they could have built together. There were no more secrets, there was no more anger or resentment. They could be happy like this, they could live like they always wanted.. . . Couldn’t they? How long would it last? How long before Jamie grew resentful of being a spirit? Could he really, truly forgive Lucas so easily?
The cool stone walls seemed to be closing in around Lucas, and the bars on the window cast black metal shadows over the floor.
“Jamie . . . I’m glad you’re here.”
“I’m with you,” Jamie assured him, taking a seat beside him on the floor. “I’m with you and I’m staying beside you, whatever happens.”
The morning of his execution was a clear one, a beautiful one. The sun was shining, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the dew on the grass in the courtyard had beautiful little crystals of ice that had formed in the chilly temperatures of the evening.
Lucas took a deep breath to center himself . . . he was ready for this; it had been a long time coming. He shaved his face and washed his body, wanting to look presentable for the devil when they finally met face to face.
Lucas had requested his last meal a few weeks ago, and at around noon one of the guards brought him a nice fresh order of fish and chips with a cup of black tea. It was a meal that reminded him of Jamie, of better times that had long since passed but . . . he could barely stomach even a few bites of the stuff.
Jamie normally would have prodded and teased him, would have said to eat up, that he’d need his strength, but not today, not today. Instead, he watched Lucas sip his tea and tried to keep the conversation light.
“Do you remember when I first moved to Dublin, Lucas? I went to some random little pub, and in a city of nearly five hundred thousand people, we found each other. Even now, Lucas, I was trying to visit my parents’ graves, to see Fiona again but . . . I kept drifting back to you if I wasn’t paying attention.”
He laughed, and Lucas smiled over the deep brown liquid in his mug.
“I was wondering how you found me here, actually.”
“I’m sure it’s an interesting discussion for a theologian, but there’s a light in your heart, Lucas, and it’s like the North Star to me. I often sort of wondered if we were, well, destined to be together. That must sound so foolish.”
Lucas smiled and reached for Jamie’s hand, hardly minding the cool feeling of the stone floor he collided with instead. “It doesn’t, Jamie. You are my sunlight.” And he liked to imagine the same was true for Jamie. God, if only they could have had more time, if only things were different. He couldn’t afford to have regrets now, though, and he steeled himself so he could be brave when the guards came to escort him to the gallows.
They chatted about this and that, like nothing was wrong, like they had all the time in the world, until a clock chimed somewhere in the distance, signaling the last moments of Lucas’s earthly existence.
“Connolly. It’s time.”
Lucas stood up on shaky legs and ruefully offered his hands to be bound for the short walk over to the execution grounds. Jamie floated beside him, silent but desperate, anguish written over his face. Lucas looked at his friend and offered a small smile, not wanting to talk, not wanting to lose his composure now. He wanted to stay strong in front of Jamie.
He tried to keep his eyes on his feet as he walked, but curiosity got the better of him. He spotted Angela among the spectators, and there were his sisters . . . Even Mattie was there, tears running out of his eye sockets as a very-pregnant Jessie spoke softly in his ear.
The guards walked Lucas up the steps on the scaffold and one of them shoved a rough fabric hood over his head. Darkness enveloped him and he started to tremble, his steely resolve all but a memory now that Jamie had come back to him. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to do this, he wanted to live his life, he wanted to be with Jamie, help his siblings, drink with Angela . . . he didn’t want this, he didn’t—
“Lucas,” Jamie’s voice sounded suddenly, calling out to him in the darkness. “I’m with you. I’m with you, and I love you, and I’m not letting you go on your own, okay? I’ll wait for you; we’ll find each other again. It’s not the end. It’s not the end.”
“Jamie,” he breathed, tears in his eyes, “I’m so scared.”
“I’m with you, Lucas. I’m always with you.”
He felt the noose fall heavy around his neck and his breath hitched. He was going to die, he would lose Jamie again—there was no afterlife, this was all just a hallucination, he’d never see him again, he’d lose him all over, no, no, no! He wondered if his terror was obvious to the people watching. He wondered if O’Sullivan and the others were glad that his last moments would be as horrifying and frightening as Jamie’s had been. It was justice, he reminded himself, but that didn’t make it any easier.
Jamie’s voice was in his ear all the while: “I love you, I’m with you, you’re not going alone. I’ll find you when this is over, and we’ll be happy, I promise.”
Lucas tried to be brave, he tried to remind himself why he had done this, how he had gotten himself here. No regrets, steel resolve, do it for Jamie, don’t let your sisters see how awful this is, don’t let them see how frightened you are, please, please, for once in your goddamn life be strong.
He heard the lever on the trap door click into place, the sounds of his sisters crying somewhere out in the distance. His heart raced, his breath coming in unsteady puffs as he relished his last access to oxygen. He wondered if his tears were soaking through the execution hood, he wondered if his cowardice was obvious.
The hangman threw the switch, and Lucas cried out for Jamie. The word was strangled by the fabric, and he wasn’t sure if anyone had heard him. For one swift moment, the earth fell out beneath him and suddenly he was falling and then—a white flash and he felt no more. He wondered if this was what it felt like to die . . . if time was slowing, his brain shutting down, releasing euphoric chemicals, and pleasing memories to make passing easier.
His body was weightless, his hands unbound, and the world around him vanished. A great empty void, shadows of oblivion.
There was nothing. And then there was Jamie.
From the corner of his eye, he could see a warm and brilliant halo of light. His angel stood before him dressed in white, his eyes sparkling, and a beautiful smile on his lips. Lucas reached out to Jamie and walked toward him . . .
Jamie’s hand was warm, it was solid, and his strong fingers closed around Lucas’s. They could touch again, there was weight to him, there was heat.
“See? We always find each other again,” Jamie said with a grin, a golden-white aurora dancing behind his head. “I missed you,” he whispered, “are you all right?”
Lucas smiled back and nodded, the world at his fingertips and the weight lifting steadily off his shoulders. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he reminded himself that most likely, this was just the process of his brain shutting down— that his mind was being flooded with merciful euphoria that made everything seem okay.
But he pushed that thought away and locked eyes with Jamie.
For once, he was at peace. For once, he was happy.
It didn’t matter if it was real. It was real to him.
Acknowledgments
I would like to thank my mother Sonia for all her help and support in writing this book. I would also like to thank my dear friends, who patted my head when I needed it and helped me become a much stronger writer. Lastly, I want to acknowledge my husband Greg, who is sweet and lovely, and always able to put a smile on my face.
About the Author
Emma Deards grew up in New York City and earned her undergraduate degree at Barnard College at Columbia University , where she studied Japanese literature and biology. She was then accepted to The University of Edinburgh, where she completed her veterinary degree. She remained in the UK afterward, and since then has split her time between her day job as a vet and her secret passion: writing. Emma has authored a number of humor articles for In Practice, a veterinary magazine, and was the recipient in college of two writing awards: the Oscar Lee Award and the Harumatsuri Award.
Wild with All Regrets is her first book.
SELECTED TITLES FROM SHE WRITES PRESS
She Writes Press is an independent publishing company founded to serve women writers everywhere. Visit us at www.shewritespress.com.
The Island of Worthy Boys by Connie Hertzberg Mayo $16.95, 978-1-63152-001-3
In early-19th-century Boston, two adolescent boys escape arrest after accidentally killing a man by conning their way into an island school for boys—a perfect place to hide, as long as they can keep their web of lies from unraveling.
Boop and Eve’s Road Trip by Mary Helen Sheriff. $16.95, 978-1-63152-763-0
When her best friend goes MIA, Eve gathers together the broken threads of her life and takes a road trip with her plucky grandma Boop in search of her—a journey through the South that shows both women they must face past mistakes if they want to find hope for the future.
Center Ring by Nicole Waggoner. $17.95, 978-1-63152-034-1
When a startling confession rattles a group of tightly knit women to its core, the friends are left analyzing their own roads not taken and the vastly different choices they’ve made in life and love.
Entangled Moon by E. C. Frey. $16.95, 978-1-63152-389-2
Long ago, Heather left her old life behind, and now she has everything she ever wanted. But when a woman she helped fire is murdered, it sets off a chain of events that jeopardizes everything, and she and her childhood friends must once again band together—to take on this new threat, and to face the events of the fateful night that has shaped all their lives.
The Sound of Wings by Suzanne Simonetti. $16.95, 978-1-64742-044-4
What if a stranger held the secret to your past that would change your life forever? In this masterfully crafted tale of love, friendship, betrayal, and the risks we take in the pursuit of justice, three very different women’s lives come together in unexpected—and life-changing—ways.
E.L. Deards, Wild with All Regrets
