Finally free, p.10
Finally Free, page 10
It was Abby who jumped in. “We tried to tell you, Darla. That was the point of the pact. For you to get to know Blaze before starting up a physical relationship. We could all see that there was something between the two of you. I mean, it was so obvious, and we were just so sure that if you let yourself, you might actually…” She shrugged. “Well, you might actually fall for him.”
Fall for him?
“Oh no.” I shook my head and laughed. “When I said I liked him, I did not mean that I was falling for him.” I dropped the blanket off my shoulders, stood, and walked to the edge of the deck, where I looked out into the darkness. “You guys know me better than anyone else. Why on earth would you think for even a second that I would fall for Blaze Barron? Yes, he’s a nice guy. He’s funny and smart and honestly, there’s way more to him than I expected.” I stopped short of telling them the story about Blaze’s brother. Even though he hadn’t said so specifically, Blaze told me that in confidence and that wasn’t something I took lightly. I could still picture the look on his face when he spoke about his brother and how Hayden’s life had shaped him into the man he was today. He’d been so vulnerable. So open. His vulnerability had drawn me to him. And sure, maybe I had some feelings about him. But that was very different than falling for him or having any romantic feelings. There was a difference, right?
“Would that be so bad?”
I spun on my heel to stare at Sandy, who’d asked the question. “Yes. It would,” I said, disbelief in my voice. “But it wouldn’t ever happen anyway. You all know me. I don’t have those kinds of feelings for men.”
“So tell us again why you’re so worked up about this then?” Jessie had a smug look on her face as she lifted her wine glass to her mouth.
I took a deep breath. It was impossible to explain to a group of women who were all happily involved in monogamous, long-term relationships that I didn’t want that. I’ve never wanted it before, and I didn’t want it now.
“Because I don’t like the feeling of having my actions restricted,” I told them. It wasn’t a lie, yet it didn’t quite feel like the whole truth. “I kissed him,” I admitted after a moment.
Britt chuckled, and the others exchanged glances.
“What?” I stepped forward to join them again. “It was just a kiss. I didn’t sleep with him. I promised I wouldn’t.”
“So that’s what this is about.” Abby sipped from her glass. “You want to sleep with him.”
“Which was exactly the point of the pact, Dar.” Sandy’s voice held a tinge of defeat. “You really don’t think he’s different from other men? Really?”
My first instinct was to say no. Of course he wasn’t any different. Except maybe he was sexier than any of the men I’d been with in recent years. Hell, he was sexier than most men in the entire country. And then there was the fact that he cared about the same things I did. His generosity and passion for the program we were building was genuine and rare. And maybe that made him even sexier? Of course, there was the way he looked at me. Sure, men had looked at me with desire in their eyes before. But when Blaze looked at me, it was more than just physical. It was deeper than that. And the kiss…
“Okay, yes,” I admitted. “He’s different.”
Someone let out a small whoop, but I didn’t bother to look who it was.
“Blaze isn’t like the other men I’ve been with, and not just because I’ve never been with a celebrity before. I mean, that’s probably the least attractive thing about him, but…” I shrugged. “But it doesn’t matter.” I looked to Sandy, who grinned from ear to ear. “Really?” I asked her. “What does it matter? I still don’t want a relationship with him. Not with anyone. That hasn’t changed.”
“Hasn’t it?”
Slowly, I turned to look at Brittany.
“Sometimes it just takes the right man, Dar,” she said softly. “Trust me. I know.”
She wasn’t wrong. Brittany was even more steadfastly single than I was until Trent came along. Her attitude about relationships changed so fast and so completely that they’d ended up married, for goodness’ sake. But still. That couldn’t happen to me, could it? And with Blaze? I still barely knew him.
But why not?
The idea was dizzying. I sat down hard, lifted the glass of whiskey to my lips, and drained it.
I knew why not.
“I don’t think you guys understand,” I said after a minute. “I watched my mom come to life as a single woman. She’d been completely smothered by the weight of her marriage. It was killing her, and we didn’t even realize it until after. I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is. It seems completely backward to even entertain the idea of extinguishing my light at this stage of my life. Why would I want that?”
“I think you’re missing the point.” Abby put her arms on her knees and leaned over to me. “It doesn’t have to be like that,” she said softly. “In fact, it’s supposed to be the exact opposite. The right partner will only help you grow and blossom, not hold you back. I’m not saying anything about your parents because we were kids and…well, who actually knows what goes on in a marriage.”
“Truth.” Jessie nodded.
“But maybe you should talk to your mom,” Abby continued. “Have you ever discussed it with her? Asked her what it was like and what, if anything, she would do differently?”
I hadn’t. I’d never needed to. It had always been so clear what life she preferred.
“You should,” Sandy said. “And I think we all agree that none of us want to be part of anything that will cause you distress.”
There were nods and murmurs of agreement.
“So if the pact doesn’t feel right to you, forget it,” Sandy continued. “It was only ever meant to be a bit of fun.” She crossed the space and pulled me into a tight hug. “We love you, Darla. No matter what. We just want the best for you.”
Her words, murmured into my ear, traveled through my body and deep into my soul. Besides my mother, these four ladies loved me more than anyone in the world. I knew that in my bones. And maybe a reminder was all I needed.
Chapter Nine
The program was coming along so quickly and without incident, thanks to Darla’s hard work on the project. She’d taken my notes and suggestions and run with them. Not that I should have been surprised. Despite her soft, spiritual exterior, she was a woman who knew how to get things done. I hadn’t needed any further proof of that fact, but I’d looked into her yoga business and I’d been suitably impressed to see how Darla had built her business from one studio to an entire franchise by using her natural leadership ability, combined with her business savvy and what could only be described as sharp instincts.
I smiled just thinking of it because no doubt she would describe it with something far more spiritual. But whatever it was, it was impressive. Just like the way she’d taken control of getting things done with the treatment program while still keeping me in the loop and just as involved as I wanted to be.
Truthfully, I wanted to be even more involved. With Darla. In all the ways.
That was my conclusion after I’d spent the last few days locked in my home office, alone, licking my wounds. It had taken me a little bit to reconcile what the guys had told me about the pact being all about letting loose sexually, with Darla’s behavior of continually pulling away from me the moment we started to get close. It didn’t make sense. Unless she really wasn’t into me the way I thought she was.
And after a few days of feeling sorry for myself, I’d come to one conclusion. There was only one surefire way to find out for sure.
I grabbed my cell phone and quickly typed out a text message.
* * *
How about that yoga class you promised?
* * *
It didn’t take long for the three dots to appear on the bottom of my screen to let me know she was responding. Then they disappeared. I was about to send another text when the response finally came through.
* * *
Noon? Meet me at the studio.
* * *
A grin spread across my face.
* * *
See you then.
It wasn’t until after I’d arrived at Go With The Flow that I considered maybe Blaze wouldn’t want to meet so publicly. After all, the media hadn’t yet caught on to the fact that he was living in Aspen Valley. At least not yet. In the last few days, the media had teased some sort of major story involving his ex-girlfriend, Amelia. There’d been a lot of speculation about what it might be, and how Blaze would react to the news, whatever it was. Not that I was paying attention. I didn’t read tabloids or celebrity gossip sites.
At least, I hadn’t.
Until Blaze.
I couldn’t help it.
And I’d tried. I really had.
After my mini-breakdown with the girls a few nights earlier, I’d focused on centering myself with extra meditations and a few mantras. I’d even done a sage smudging of my deck and myself in order to clear any negative energies that were lingering. The chunks of amethyst and rose quartz that I’d stashed in the pockets of my skirts were known for their calming properties, although I was pretty sure I’d polished them smooth with the amount I’d rubbed them in search of the calm that eluded me whenever I thought about Blaze.
The only thing that had worked, even a little bit, was avoiding him, which hadn’t been very hard for the last few days, because I was pretty sure he was avoiding me, too. And why wouldn’t he? The only thing more mixed up than my internal feelings was my behavior. And there was only one way to fix it.
I’d never been the type of woman to hide from conflict or uncomfortableness. Which was exactly why, only a few hours after Blaze had sent the text about yoga, I laid out two mats, side by side, at the back of the room.
“Do you have a guest coming today, Darla?”
I turned and smiled at Jada. She’d been with me almost from the start of the studio opening, and despite my many attempts to bring her on board into a higher management role, she’d insisted she was happy running the Aspen Valley studio. A job she excelled at.
I took a moment to take a deep breath, exhaling slowly before replying. “I do. He’s actually a bit of a public figure, so—”
“Say no more.” She smiled and waved her hand airily. “And as you know, ego has no place in the studio.”
I laughed, but she was right. Jada was an excellent instructor. She had an effortless way of putting everyone at ease, no matter their level. “It will be fine, and I’m happy to help him out.”
That was an understatement, although I didn’t bother to tell her that it wouldn’t be a hardship to place my hands all over Blaze’s muscular body to guide him into some of the trickier movements. No hardship at all.
My entire body flushed with heat, and moisture pooled between my legs instantly.
Damn.
Maybe this wasn’t a great idea after all.
Despite the fact that my girlfriends had reassured me that our silly pact wasn’t in place to cause me stress, it had. And even though they’d told me not to worry about it anymore, I had. Before all of this—before Blaze and the twisted-up way he made me feel—I might have taken that as permission to go back to my old ways and happily take him into bed. After all, free love and sexual self-expression had always been the way I did things, and there certainly had never been a problem with it before.
But something had stopped me from showing up on Blaze Barron’s doorstop and expressing myself.
Something was holding me back, and I was pretty sure I knew what it was.
My mother.
Or, more specifically, my preconceived notions about my mother’s life. Because my friends were right. I’d never actually spoken to her about what it was like for her to be married and then to be widowed so young. Not once had I asked her if she wished things were different. If she’d enjoyed being married to my father and the life they had before he died. I’d never asked her about any of it.
It had never occurred to me when I was younger, and then, if I were honest, by the time I was old enough to challenge any of the assumptions I’d made along the way, I didn’t want to. I enjoyed my life to the fullest. Asking questions I didn’t necessarily want to hear the answers to didn’t seem like it would be of benefit to anyone.
Until now.
But that was a problem for later. First things first, and that was getting through a yoga practice with Blaze. The studio was starting to fill up with participants getting their mats arranged on the floor. Blaze should be arriving soon, and I wanted to be there to greet him, so I left the mats and padded across the floor, careful not to disturb anyone who’d already begun to drop into their relaxation.
The small reception area was almost empty as everyone who was registered for the class was likely already there. While I waited, a few more came in and hustled back into the studio and then, moments before Jada was set to begin class, Blaze walked in.
Dammit if my heart didn’t stop beating for a second at the sight of him. So much for a Zen-like relaxation. This was going to be a long class.
“Am I late?” He moved to kiss me on the cheek in greeting but stopped short. “Hi,” he said awkwardly. “It’s good to see you.”
My tongue was thick in my mouth, so I nodded dumbly, but didn’t speak.
“No, you’re not late,” Jada said, next to me. “You must be Darla’s guest today. I’m Jada, and I’ll be your instructor.”
Vaguely, I was aware of Jada, and I was beyond thankful for her taking charge because every single cell in my body zinged around in a wild pattern that made it almost impossible to formulate a thought. It was a miracle I was still upright. How did one man have such an insanely profound impact on me in such a short time?
“Nice to meet you, Jada.” Blaze flashed a smile at her. “I have to warn you, I’ve never done yoga before, but Darla assured me that she would make it as painless as possible.”
Jada laughed. “We’ll do our best.” She waved a hand in my direction. “I’m sure you’ll be in very good hands with Darla, but if you need any extra assistance, please don’t hesitate to ask.” She disappeared into the studio, leaving us alone while Blaze took a moment to get ready.
It was a moment I badly needed to compose myself, because I was completely unfamiliar with my own behavior.
“Was she right?” Blaze tugged his track pants off, revealing workout shorts and bare legs.
I swallowed hard. “About what?”
He flashed one of his killer grins at me before tugging his hoodie off and over his head. He wore a tight tank top underneath that showcased his thick biceps. The fabric hugged every curve and valley of his defined abs, leaving very little to the imagination. “Will I be in good hands with you?” He turned to face me.
I swallowed hard. It was some sort of miracle under the circumstances, but my composure mercifully returned. “ Oh yes,” I said. “You’ll be in very good hands with me.”
“Promises, promises.”
I held his gaze and watched as his pupils darkened.
“Come on, tough guy.” I winked. “One thing at a time. First, let’s see how you handle warrior pose.”
I’d completely underestimated yoga and how woefully inflexible I was. There was going to be a long discussion with Brad about adding some basic stretching into my routine when I recovered completely from the experience.
If I recovered. It was a very big if at the moment.
“Blaze?”
Darla’s voice hovered somewhere over my head, but the thought of opening my eyes felt like far too much work.
“Did you fall asleep?”
Was that humor in her voice?
“I mean,” Darla said. “It wasn’t that hard.”
Yes. There was definitely laughter in her voice.
“I mean, not for a big, strong guy like you.”
She was obviously enjoying herself, but it felt like far too much effort to try to open my eyes. Instead, I focused on the lead feeling in every one of my fingertips and toes as my breath returned to normal.
“Maybe he fell asleep.” Jada, the instructor who’d put me in this Jell-O’d state, said, her voice drawing closer. “It’s not uncommon to fall asleep in Shavasana.”
Is that what that last pose was called? I liked it. It was easy: lay back, get comfortable, and close your eyes. It was definitely my favorite pose. Except maybe for the one where Darla bent over at the waist and folded herself in half in such a way that her spandex-covered ass was only inches from me.
Not that I’d been looking on purpose. I’d been trying to catch my breath and untwist my arms from whatever position Jada had worked them into previously.
“He is still breathing, isn’t he?” Jada asked.
I resisted the urge to open my eyes, a decision that proved to be a good one when a second later, I felt the air shift as Darla lowered herself down to me. I inhaled deeply, trying hard not to move my chest too much. She smelled amazing. Her usual lemon and vanilla scent mixed with the exertion from the yoga. The urge to reach up and pull her close was intense. Somehow, I resisted.
“He’s breathing.”
It wasn’t my imagination that her voice now held the trace of something else. Desire? Need?
Dare to dream.
But I wasn’t dreaming when the soft, warm puff of air hit my lips, and she whispered so only I could hear. “You look pretty sexy when you’re sleeping.”
I opened one eyelid and kept the other one closed. “Is that right?”
“I knew you weren’t sleeping,” Darla exclaimed and jumped to her feet.
I reached out to grab her, unwilling to let her go when she was so close, but she was too fast and was already standing next to Jada, looking down on me with a grin on her face when I finally opened both eyes.
In fact, both women wore matching smirks.
