Trial of identity, p.3
Trial of Identity, page 3
“Lower your voice. If you have been hiding it well until now then hide it until the end, for whatever reasons you have. Do you think I wouldn’t recognise a bianthromorph? For heaven’s sake, I am ‘bianthromorph’, myself. And I am not trying to play any kind of stupid game with you. If you still don’t believe me then go ahead and think whatever you wish to think of me. I could care any less about it.” said James, bending a bit to match my height, leaning closer to my ears and whispering.
“Why haven’t you told anyone yet? I have seen the criticism you face... doesn’t it kill you that although I am one too, I don’t go through the unfair treatment that you face?” I asked, breathing heavily in order to control rage radiating from me due to the hurting of the pride of my Puma side.
“Is that how that you think of me?” he asked.
“What else do you expect me to think of? I don’t know anything about you, how could I possibly believe that you won’t reveal it to anyone?” I said, looking straight at his eyes trying to read his emotions, slowly losing control of the growing need to intimidate my enemy, of my Puma anthromorphic gene.
“You are right... you have no right to believe me. But I am just going to say this, I am the last person to go around announcing that you are a bianthromorph and I have my reasons for that. Whether you decide to trust my words or not is up to you. So, if you are done accusing me, can we just pretend that I know nothing about your secret and go down to have breakfast. I am starving.” said James, with unrivalled calmness, through a forced smile which clearly indicated he couldn't fathom to be bothered any longer by it.
“I am going to kill you if you dare to tell anyone about it.” I said in a deadly serious tone still panicking.
“No thank you. I am a little too hot to die at this age.” He said leaving me to my thoughts. “Well, are you coming or not?” he asked, before shrugging his shoulders and walking away, when I made no signs of following after him.
Why was this happening now?
5th June, 2154
I could barely stop stressing myself over thinking that he might spill out my secret anytime. Although, I sat in the same table as him during lunch and dinner hours, I avoided him like a plague. The best way to keep secrets from people was by plainly avoiding them. No amount of guilt or anxiousness could make me ramble my secrets if there was no one around me to listen to them, in the first place.
“Okay, I have given your space for more than a week though I still don’t know why you are still on rage. So either tell me what’s going on with you or you aren’t leaving this place.” said Pearl, leaving no room for escaping
“What? No! Nothing is wrong I am just having a hard time coping with college life.” I said, avoiding her gaze.
“Right, that’s why you hardly get flustered whenever the Professors ask you a question. Kate, I have known you for 13 years so don’t give me the worst excuse you could think of.” said Pearl.
“I promise I will talk to you during lunch. Edward and I are going to be late for our Forensics Chemistry class.” I said, giving Edward ‘Please help me’ look.
“No, we still have 20 more minutes before the class begins. So, spill.” said Edward, flashing me a mischievous grin.
“Actually, I need to discuss a few doubts I had on our Applied Physics assignment with Kate, if you don’t mind, Pearl.” said James, with a blank look, the finality of his glare never wavering.
“During Dinner-”
“Yeah but I just wanted your help for a minute, do you have a problem with that, Kate?” he asked in an awfully calm tone, completely ignoring Pearl.
“Is something wrong? I sense something stinkingly weird going on between you two” asked Edward
“No, It’s nothing! Everything is fine.” I said, before hurriedly getting up from my seat. They just can’t find out about my secret, and I just couldn’t risk ticking James off to make him start ratting me out.
“Sure.” she agreed hesitantly before turning to me and saying, “We will continue this during lunch.”
“What is it? What do you want?” I asked him as soon as we stepped out of the dining hall, knowing extremely well that he didn’t need any help for his Applied Physics class.
“You really need to stop concerning yourself over something as petty as this. I have no interest in talking about someone else’s insecurities.” said James, turning around his heels to face me.
“How dare you? Not everyone is as simple minded as you think.” I said, he had absolutely no rights to make this so trivial and pathetic. “You think you have everyone figured out? I have lost my main source of happiness and support and I am trying to move forward to respect and honour that loss.
And the last thing I need to hear is a jerk’s judgemental opinions about me.” I said, venting out my anger trying to hold myself back from punching the air out of his lungs.
“Exactly, I don’t know your reasons, and you have no requirement to explain me your reasons behind this. But you aren’t exactly doing a favour to your stability by panicking over what I would do or say. So, stop risking your mind over something silly. It’s not worth it. As I said, it is completely up to you whether to trust me or not on that, but use that adamant and stubborn character of yours to focus on things more important to you and calm yourself.” said James. “Lastly, stop doubting yourself... you are neither swimming nor drowning, which is the worst state a person like you can find themselves in. I don’t know much about you but I do know that you don’t deserve to be in that state. Especially not you.” He added, closing his eyes tightly and gritting his teeth as if he was holding something back.
“Why do you care?” I asked, all of a sudden taken aback his growing habit of seeing through me and that scared me more than anything else.
“Because I could see my most vulnerable state in you; You are strong enough to not let it affect your ambitions but you are just making it worse for yourself by keeping it bottled up. For some unknown reason it kills me to see you like that, especially when you force yourself into solitariness. So, for the sake of both of us, do me a favour; just continue to avoid me. That way, you don’t have to bother about my actions and I won’t get so affected by you, unnecessarily.” said James, before leaving... leaving me alone with an unknown aching echoing through my ribcage.
NOTE
The frequency range of her buhel glasses vibrated at such a unique range that it almost impossible to naked eyes to notice the real colour of her eyes. That was a pretty smart trick.
Maybe, it wasn’t such waste of time designing lenses of varying wave lengths. It was pretty interesting. And maybe the colour of her eyes were even more interesting than designing those contact lenses. The striking colour of her sunset like eyes shone brightly against the moonlight. It felt better to get a sense of competitiveness in classes these days. Mom was right.. college wasn’t all that bad as I claimed it to be.
What frustrated me the most was how frazzled she started to act after finding out I knew the truth about her and mostly because I would rat her out just out of the mere jealousy that she didn’t go through the discrimination I went through.
Why did it bother me that she thought so lowly of me? I was getting used to people looking down on me.
Was it because she treated me no different from anyone? Was I furious because of the fact she truly didn’t trust anyone in her life? partly because I have come to know there are plenty of things about her that just complicate her even further.
What happened to her that made her to presume that she is incapable of loving anyone?
She was willingly isolating herself from everyone not only because she wanted her secrets to stay safe but mostly because she was terrified of getting attached. I could see the most vulnerable state being reflected in her fear and she was just making it worse for herself by keeping it bottled up.
I couldn’t ignore Tommy’s words from earlier. “Why do you seem so particularly involved in your last mission? This is so unlike you, who barely bothers to battle an eye to the new recruits. Is it because it is your last mission or is it because it is your type?”
Honestly I didn’t know the answer to that myself because it perplexed me more than anything else.
27th June, 2154
He truly kept his words and stayed away from my vicinity which made it even easier for me to avoid each other, like the both of us wanted.
And, oddly enough I had managed to subdue that he would tell anyone about my secret.
I was doing my Physiology class’ assignment when someone knocked my door.
“Edward?”
“Pearl, James, Charm and I are going to watch the sculpture exhibition. Come on, let’s go.” said Edward, skipping his steps giddily, before walking into my room and plopping on the cushioned spare chair.
“No, it’s okay you guys go ahead. I am not in a mood to get out of my jammies, today. I will skip this one.” I said, assuring him and going back to charging my buhel sheets.
“I can’t believe that you are going to reject a devilishly shining knight in armour.” teased Edward. “Hey, you are taking it hard on yourself again and just pretending to go into hibernation.” He added.
“Go into hibernation? I don’t do that.” I exclaimed, trying to deny the truth, running out of charging pods to charge my last three spare buhel sheets.
“Yes, you do, you know when you just sit blankly and claim to be busy even after you complete all your work.” said Edward.
“I am just a little aloof sometimes.” I said, admitting something which may have been true but my hurt ego was something only my human side could accept.
“Don’t try to change the subject.” said Edward
“I am not…”
“You know extremely well that I continue to pester you until you come with me.” said Edward, knowing that he would only pester persistently if I refused.
“Has anyone ever told you what an annoying raccoon you are?” I asked, as I silently agreed to go along with him.
“So, I am taking that as a ‘Yes, I will come with you’. And to answer your previous question, yes I have been told that by many people right before they tell me how I remind them of a sexy angel,” said Edward.
“You are so full of yourself.” I said from the bathroom. “I would deny that but then I would only be lying to myself. Destroys my pure and splendid personality, so that’s a big No-No.” said Edward, as I laughed heartily.
“Shall we go now?” he asked, after I changed my clothes. I plainly nodded back at him in response.
****
As I fluttered my eyes open, I looked around to see the surroundings of the infirmary.
Infirmary? Why on earth am I here? What happened? “It’s my duty as a doctor to record why she fell unconscious.”
“I know, but I am extremely sorry Ma’am I can’t let you take her blood because she has haemophilia” said James.
James? What’s going on?
“What? There is no mention of haemophilia in her previous medical records.” said the Doctor, reading and rechecking the existing records on her pad. “You can ask her for the records, when she regains consciousness. Ma’am.” said James, frantically.
“Fine, let me ask one of your Professors if I can give her the permit to submit me her medical records for haemophilia later.” said the Doctor, before changing the IV fluids, and heading out.
“Thank you for considering it.” said James, before the doctor left the two of us alone in the infirmary.
“Don’t worry... I am leaving, Edward and Pearl were here a few...” he started mumbling right away as soon as he saw me completely awake. “Thanks.” I said softly, cutting him off mid-sentence.
“Huh?”
If I was feeling better I would have been surprised on the shocked expression plastered on his confused face.
“Thanks, James.” I said genuinely.
“I didn’t do anything... actually Edward carried you here when you fell unconscious on your way to attend the exhibition. He will be back soon, he just went to inform your father.” He stuttered, scratching the back of his neck.
James was a person who always glared at the person he was speaking with, at least during the time I had known him. It was the first time I had ever seen him avoid someone’s gaze while talking to that particular person. He looked at the floor, avoiding my gaze.
“What happened to me?” I asked.
“I am glad that you are safe now...” before he could complete saying whatever he was about to say next. He got interrupted by the loud arrival of the twins... It was probably the fifth time today when he got cut off mid-sentence again. Truth to be told I wanted to talk only to him again. Partly, because he somehow knew how to come up with the perfect excuse to keep my true identity under wraps, and partly because I just wanted to talk to him.
“Kate! Are you feeling better?” said Pearl, engulfing in a hug immediately.
“I called up your Dad to send your previous medical details on haemophilia, so you don’t have to worry about that, now.” said Edward. I mouthed “Thank you” in response as Pearl asked “What happened?”
“I don’t remember much...plus I would like to know that myself”
“You fell unconscious on your way to the exhibition.” said James.
“Do you know what kind of state I was in when I couldn’t feel your pulse at that moment?” yelled Edward.
“Maybe my glucose levels were down.” I said shrugging my shoulders and trying to wonder what exactly might have happened to me.
“Well, the Doctor said it was due to lack of proper sleep.” said Pearl “Are you having those nightmares again? Why haven’t you told us about it? Is this why you were ignoring us?” asked Pearl. I gave Pearl a ‘Please shut up now’ look, there was still a person in this hall who didn’t have to know my past. Yes, I was thankful to James but not so thankful to him that I wanted to conduct a ‘Please listen to my past’ seminar.
“Let her breathe, Pearl... she just regained consciousness. You can ask as many questions as you want later” said James, before leaving.
“How come we never knew that you have haemophilia?” asked Pearl, as soon as James was out of her sight.
“It doesn’t matter now... it’s good that at least someone knew about it before the nurse took your blood for testing.” said Edward, sitting on the edge of the bed and giving me a reassuring nod. My Puma side didn’t attack James despite feeling in danger. Did that mean I felt safe around him? When I barely knew him? It took seven months for my Puma anthromorph side to not feel threatened by the question of authority, before calming my nerves around the twins. May be it was the European weather messing with the hormones of my Puma side.... No, it could be because he is not from a feline family.
That had to be the only logical explanation to this.
****
“You shouldn’t be up here...you are gonna come up here anyways, aren’t you?” asked James, rushing up to help me as I climbed the last two stairs up to the green roof, without paying any heeds to his warning.
“Yes... And I feel all better now.” I said, removing his loose grip around my elbow with an assuring nod to confirm that I was fine.
“You really are a special case.” He said, smiling to himself.
“I could say the same about you.” I said, referring to his back and forth personality, I didn’t want to be anywhere near to him mostly because of him knowing a lot more than he should but at the same time I couldn’t function my legs to walk away from him.
“It’s just that I was shocked to find someone like me. It’s like you aren’t ashamed to be a bianthromorph but at the same time you have a lot of unpleasant feelings for being born that way.” said James, with a distant look as if he were debating if it was real where he was speaking his mind with a small smile.
“I don’t think I have been truly happy in a very long time…I keep blaming it on the fact that just because the person I felt most secure with most comfortable with isn’t here…I can’t recognise that feeling anymore. But I do know at the back of my head if I let myself feel truly happy again then the happiest memory I possess which was with her will be replaced.” I said. It was the first time I could speak to someone about being a bianthromorph openly and that made me completely forget the main reason behind coming to this place in the first place. I was surprised by my lack of need to hold back my words.
“You are talking about your mother, aren’t you? Part of your reasoning to keep your true identity a secret has something to do with her death, doesn’t it?” asked James. Both my parents worked in the entertainment industry. Although, the luxury and lavish lifestyle that came as a guaranteed asset because of my parents’ A list status in Hollywood, the lack of privacy also presented itself with the rise in their respective career like a weed. So, it was not a brainer to know that my mother’s funeral ceremony’s pictures were leaked online. I nodded my head, slowly.
“I know that feeling extremely well…it’s a general tendency of a human to search for a solace of happiness…sometimes it’s fame, sometimes it’s money, sometimes it’s passion, sometimes it’s accomplishment of a goal and sometimes it’s support, genuine love from another human being. You try so hard to figure out this ‘cunning emotion’ and when you finally do…it’s robbed away right in front of you and there isn’t anything more unfair than this. What’s worse is the fact that we know extremely well that we can’t do anything about it.” said James, as I stared at him without an ounce of care, when he spoke so raw and unapologetically, when I doubted that he hated being around people in general considering his habit speaking for mere necessity of courtesy if he deemed fit, unit now.
