Jokes that will offend a.., p.7
Jokes That Will Offend Almost Everyone, page 7
And that's it. These are the only people and all the people you can recognize at a club. Which one was I? Well, I am a different entity of my own!
Do you have a dirty mind?
1.When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4. chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course
*A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.
*Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"
*A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
As I Get Older I Ponder...
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.
7. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shoot-head's.
8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
9. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
10. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
11. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Shoot...that was fun!"
12. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
13. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."
14. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
15. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
cells live forever.
Why Halloween is better than Sex:
You're sure to get at least a little something in the sack.
If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone
else, because you are.
Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
Less guilt the morning after.
You can do the whole neighborhood..
Top 25 Signs
You're an Iranian Woman
25. You are either a pharmacy student or a pharmacist.
24. You've been dancing the same way all your life.
23. Your day consists mostly of gossiping--and then more gossiping.
22. Your skirts get shorter and shorter as you get older and older.
21. You think you were "wasted" or "haroom shodee" when you got married.
20. You were ready to get married since age 10.
19. You are at first uptight about what your daughter wears, but in 6 months you'll be dressing worse.
18. You are constantly worried what your friends might think of you.
17. You think it kills you to shave your legs.
16. You flirt with Persian guys and then call them losers.
15. You say you are tired of the Persian community, yet 99% of the friends you invite to your parties are Persian.
14. Your parents only find out about your boyfriend on your wedding night.
13. You always need to be dragged onto the dance floor.
12. Your biggest fear is not getting married.
11. Waxing, waxing, and more waxing.
10. No matter how many sit-ups you do, you still have that little stomach pouch sticking out from all the 'pollo' you were fed since you were a baby.
9. The first thing you do when you turn thirteen is get rid of your unibrow.
8. The second thing is to bleach your hair blond.
7. The third thing is to add strawberry highlights.
6. No matter how successful you are in your career and social life, your mother's friends still cackle : "Khob, key shoharesh midi?"
5. You keep getting set up with fat hairy Iranian "doctors" (then you find out he is actually a real estate agent or works downtown).
4. Your biological clock has been tick-tick-ticking since you learned how to tell the time.
3. You go for American guys because you can't get a Persian one.
2. With the first beats of Baba Karam, an invisible force springs you up from your seat and makes your hips swivel to the rhythm until you make Elvis turn in his grave.
1. You can relate to at lease ONE thing on this list...
Top 25 Signs You're an Iranian Guy
25. You have an Intravenous bottle attached to your bed injecting you with chelokabob so that your chelokabab blood level doesn't titter dangerously low during the night.
24. Your idol is Al Pacino in 'Scarface'.
23. You introduce yourself to blondes at nightclubs as 'half-Italian, half-Spanish'.
22. Your name is Abdolghassem but for some reason your business card reads 'Tony'.
21. You will dump your neurosurgeon Iranian girlfriend in a second if you think you had a tenth of a chance with that fat Polish chick who sprays "Obsession" in the mall for a living. (But she's a blonde.)
20. You are in your seventh year studying "pre-med" at the university.
19. After the seventh year you switch to "pre-law".
18. After that you decide to go into real estate.
17. You own a BMW that's so old it won't start (but at least you get to say you drive a BMW at parties.)
16. Hair, hair, and more hair!
15. Your friends' names are Tony, Mike, and Bob, but they can't speak a word of English!
14. You talk to your friends on the cellphone even though they're 10 feet away.
13. Your only cure for any illness is "chai nabaat"!
12. YOU BLAME THE REVOLUTION ON EVERYONE EXCEPT YOURSELVES!
11. You were supposedly a doctor -- in Iran.
10. You love ghourmeh sabzi.
9. You tell everyone that your parents were very close friends of the Shah.
8. You constantly remind your kids to eat as much as you can when you go to mehmoonee.
7. You are always asking fellow Persians about their income, and how much they bought their car, house, business...
6. You make Turkish jokes even though your own relatives are Turkish.
5. Every day you have a new cellphone in your hand or hanging out your pocket just so people can have a good look.
4. One word: HAIR TRANSPLANT--God Bless the Bosley Institute & Propecia!
3. NO ONE CAN PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME PROPERLY
2. You think Persian girls are ugly but that's because you can't get any.
1. You can relate to 3 or more things on this list...
What a man wants in a woman
Original list (age 22)
a. Sexy
b. Red head
c. Owns her own liquor store
d. Loves sex
e. Looks fantastic
f. Easy to take off clothes
g. Thinks I am a great lover
h. Wants to try new positions.
Revised list (age 32)
a. Looks good
b. is able to open a car door
c. has good table manners
d. laughs at my jokes
e. knows stores carry other things then frozen dinners
f. knows how to cook
g. doesn't nag about birthdays and anniversaries
h. likes sex
Revised (age 42)
a. Wears less the a half pound of make-up
b. knows how to drive without scaring me
c. is able to grasp most conversations
d. is able to tell a joke
e. is less then 50 pounds overweight
f. relinquishs control of the remote occasionally
g. able to check the toilet seat
h. Washes her bathrobe now and then
Revised (age 52)
a. Wears more make-up
b. Tries not to belch in public
c. Has a job
d. Learns new jokes
e. Is able to get off the couch to find the kitchen
f. Remembers a stoves main use
g. Shaves armpits and trims moustache occasionally
Revised (age 62)
a. Doesn't scare your friends
b. Remembers where the bathroom is, in time
c. Make-up budget is less then national debt
d. Can't be heard snoring from spare bedroom
e. Is less then 100 pounds overweight
f. Wears clothes that cover her belly
g. Likes soft foods
h. Remembers where she left her teeth
i. Doesn't wake me up early on weekends
Revised (age 72)
a. breathing in normal rhythm
b. Gets to the toilet in time
c. Doesn't nag too much
What men would do
if they had a vagina for a day :
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
What women would do
if they had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a BJ.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
There are only eleven times in history
where the "F" word has been considered
acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my Azz!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999 and a drum roll...........
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003
10 Tips for effective missionary dating
1. If he tells your that you are hot...
Tell him God made you hot.
2. If he wants to hold your hand...
Give him a Bible.
3. If he tries to get closer...
Tell him the Holy Spirit is wooing him.
4. If he asks to pay for dinner...
Remind him that Jesus also paid a debt He did not owe!
5. If he reaches his arm around you...
Tell him that nobody will ever be as close to you as Jesus is.
6. If he tries to kiss you...
Remind him that a kiss killed your Savior.
7. If he asks to come inside...
Ask him if he has asked Jesus to come inside his heart.
8. If he tells you he loves you...
Tell him that Jesus loves him.
9. If he gets angry that you won't put out...
Clarify to him that W.W.J.D. does NOT mean "Who would Jesus Do."
10. After you dump him...
Tell him that Jesus Christ will never leave or forsake him.
Men are like...
Men are like ........ Laxatives ...... They irritate the Shoot out of you.
Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
