Skeletons, p.23
Skeletons, page 23
‘And then the family could just carry on as normal? Is that even possible, do you think?’
‘Not now, probably …’ She paused. ‘I honestly don’t know if Jason and I will survive it.’
‘If it’s a choice of Cass telling him, or you breaking it to him gently, then I know what I’d recommend. He’s not going to blame you. You’ve been put in an impossible situation.’
‘I know. It’s just the idea that once I do, that’ll be it, there will be no taking it back. Even if he can forgive me for keeping it a secret all this time, he’ll go straight to his father and accuse him. He’ll tell Poppy and Jessie, how could he not? Amelia will … Oh God, I can’t even think what it’ll do to Amelia. The minute I utter those words, I’ll have destroyed the family. My family.’
‘It’s your father-in-law who’s doing that. You’ll just be the messenger.’
‘Yes, and we know what happens to them.’
‘What’s the alternative? A slow lingering demise, because you can’t act normally around them? Maybe sudden death is better?’
‘I keep hoping there’s some other solution, that’s all. And I keep thinking that every day I don’t tell him is another day I don’t have to deal with the fallout.’
‘Do you really think there could be?’
‘Not really. Not any more. It’s just … we have this stupid weekend away booked. Once we’ve got through that … Amelia’s been looking forward to it for months. And then it’s Christmas. My girls will be home for the holidays.’
‘There’s never going to be a perfect time.’
‘I know that. It’s … not yet, OK. Not now.’
‘I don’t even know where to start. You poor thing. It must have been a nightmare.’
It was the fact that someone was being sympathetic. That for the first time, someone – anyone – had acknowledged how difficult her position must be, how impossible the situation she was in. She couldn’t help it. She felt her eyes well up again, blinked furiously to try to stop the tears coming. She felt so stupid. The last thing she needed was to start crying in the pub, but she didn’t know how to make it stop.
Sean looked at her, horrified. ‘Oh God. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean –’
‘It’s not your fault,’ Jen sniffed. ‘This is ridiculous. You must think I’m the one who’s unhinged.’
‘Are you kidding? If what’s been happening to you had happened to me, I’d be a basket case.’
‘I think I probably am.’ She dug around in her bag and found a tissue, dabbed at her eyes, attempted to stem the tide.
‘Actually, you do a pretty good impression of being a well-rounded, balanced person. Well, most of the time, anyway.’
‘I feel exhausted, just trying to remember what secret I’m keeping from who. It’s like I can’t have a normal relationship with any of my family any more. I’m just avoiding everyone.’
‘I don’t think it’s healthy, if you really want my opinion. It’s too much for one person to have to deal with.’
‘I feel a lot better, just for having said it all out loud.’
Sean smiled. ‘This is you feeling better? Jesus, I’d hate to be around if things get bad.’
Jen laughed, which must have looked fairly demented, she imagined, given that she still had tears and no doubt mascara and God knows what else running down her face.
‘The thing is, I keep telling myself everything’ll be OK, somehow. That if I ignore it all, it might just go away and things will go back to how they used to be. But I know I’m kidding myself, really.’
‘Maybe you should just bite the bullet and tell Jason. I know you were trying to protect him but if, in doing so, you’re pushing him away too, then that can’t be a good thing, can it?’
‘I don’t think he’d take kindly to me having met his sister.’
‘He’d get over it. And maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing for him to see what his father’s really like.’
‘It’s not just that, though. I’ve realized lately that it’s more fundamental. We’ve lost something. Or maybe it was never there in the first place. I don’t know who we are as a couple any more. We’ve only ever really been together as parents. I don’t know if, without that, we have anything to hold us together. I’ve got no idea what we have in common outside family. I used to be so pleased with myself about how close Jason and I were. I thought we had it pretty perfect. Now I realize we were just deluded.’
‘You’ve been together a long time …’
‘What if I just made myself love him because I fell in love with his family?’
‘Come on … really?’
Jen nodded. ‘I don’t know … I’ve started wondering that lately.’
‘You can’t be carrying all these secrets around with you. You’ll make yourself ill.’
He put a hand on her arm as he said this. She knew she should move it away, but she couldn’t make herself. She looked up at him and saw that he was looking directly at her. She felt her stomach flip.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ she said, only partly meaning in relation to her problems.
‘I can’t help you there,’ he said, pulling his hand back.
She could feel a burning sensation on her arm where it had been. She wondered briefly what it would be like to lose herself for a few hours with this man. Just once to have something that was uncomplicated and spontaneous. To be made to feel like she was wanted again, that she counted. But that wasn’t her. She had always had very strict rules for herself, and she wasn’t about to break them.
‘Maybe you need to put yourself first,’ he was saying. ‘Stop worrying about how everyone else feels.’
She had no idea what possessed her. Even years ago, when she’d been single, she had rarely been the one to make the first move. And now here she was, a mother of two, happily married – at least, until recently – and monogamous for more than twenty years, leaning over to kiss a man she barely knew in the middle of a pub.
She didn’t even think about the other people around them. Whether any of her co-workers from the hotel might have stopped in for an after-work pint. She didn’t think about Jason or the girls. And, for a brief minute, she forgot all about Charles and Amelia, Cass, her dad, her sisters-in-law, her mum. Everything.
Sean hesitated for a moment, but then she felt him relax and respond.
She was vaguely aware of a voice saying, ‘Get a room,’ but she blocked it out. Personally, she hated to see overly physical public displays of affection, but now was not the time to worry about upsetting the locals. She could feel Sean’s hand on the side of her face, holding her there, as if he was afraid she might disappear if he didn’t.
It was so long since she had kissed anyone other than Jason. Lifetimes ago, she knew that. Before marriage, before children. In fact, she couldn’t even remember when she had last kissed Jason like this. When they had leaned into one another as if their lives depended on it, rather than pecked politely at each other’s cheeks like a pair of friendly parrots. She had forgotten how powerful a kiss could be. She’d forgotten she could feel like this.
After what seemed like an eternity, they moved apart.
Sean was looking at her intently, bluey-grey eyes fixed on hers. ‘I wasn’t expecting that,’ he said, and the way he said it, the hoarse catch in his voice that hadn’t been there before, made Jen feel light-headed.
‘I still have a couple of hours. We could go back to your room …’ There. She’d said it. It had sounded like it was coming from someone else, it was so unlike anything she would ever say, had ever said. Now it was out there. She couldn’t take it back.
‘Are you sure that’s what you want?’ he said, but she was already up and putting on her jacket.
Outside, she could hardly look at him. She felt as if she was in a trance. She knew what she was about to do was wrong, but she was powerless to stop it. Sean reached out for her hand, and then, before she knew what was happening, they were standing in a doorway and he was kissing her again, this time with even more urgency. Somehow, she managed to ignore the fact that they were in the street, that she had a husband at home, that she wasn’t the kind of person who would ever do something like this.
After what seemed like hours, they surfaced for air. Sean cradled her face in his hand.
‘God, you’re gorgeous,’ he said, and she felt her legs buckle.
She smiled up at him. ‘Let’s go,’ she said before she could change her mind. ‘We might have to walk through reception separately, though.’
In the couple of minutes she’d had to think, she had already worked out that she could tell whoever was on duty that she had forgotten something earlier, and then go through to the back room and up the service stairs to meet Sean on the third floor. She would probably need oxygen to revive her once she got there, and she wasn’t sure how erotic Sean would find an asthmatic wheeze. She hadn’t worked out how she would leave later, either, what excuse she would give for having been lost in the hotel for however long she was there. That she’d fainted, maybe. Passed clean out in the back room and lain under a table undetected for an hour or so. She couldn’t think about it too much or she’d bottle out.
She went first, figuring that this would give her a fighting chance of catching her breath before Sean showed up. She felt fuelled up with adrenaline. She knew what she was doing was crazy – and wrong – but she couldn’t seem to stop herself.
Neil was on the desk along with Karen, one of the juniors. They smiled when they saw Jen come in. She’d banked on there being at least one guest needing attention, but reception was deserted. She tried to steady her breath. Just a normal evening. I’ve left something behind. I’ve come back to get it. Big deal.
‘I think I left my wallet here,’ she said, rolling her eyes as if to say silly old me and my forgetful ways. ‘I think it must be out the back, somewhere, probably fell out of my bag.’
‘I’ll help you look,’ Karen said.
Ordinarily, Jen would have thought how nice, how thoughtful. ‘No!’ she said, far too vehemently. ‘It’s OK.’
As if by magic, a couple with two children, and enough bags to start a Louis Vuitton store of their own, fell out of a taxi and it was all hands on deck to get them unloaded and checked in before the younger of the two kids, a toddler, got sued for noise disturbance. Jen felt sorry for any dogs within a two-mile radius.
She slipped out the back and was on her way up the stairs, leaving them to it. When she reached the third floor, she found room 328 and waited outside, praying no one would be delivering room service next door before Sean arrived. She wished she’d said yes to another vodka and tonic. She needed the Dutch courage.
Thank God it was only a couple of minutes before the lift pinged, and there he was. Jen took him in as she watched him walk down the corridor towards her. He was tall, dark and almost, nearly, handsome. OK, so he wasn’t necessarily conventionally good-looking, but it was all about his confidence and humour and that knowing smile he had. She liked his smile, she had decided. He always looked like he had a secret, and a fairly dirty one at that. He pushed his hair back off his face in a way that reminded her of herself when she was nervous. Thankfully, though, he wasn’t sporting the same ginger curls.
‘Hi,’ she said, apprehensively.
Sean rubbed his hand along her upper arm in a reassuring gesture as he unlocked the door. ‘OK?’ he said, and she nodded.
She was struck by the fact that it felt strange being inside one of the rooms. Ordinarily, there was no reason for her to be – and, in fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she had been. Sean’s room was a junior suite, which basically meant a bedroom with a tiny sofa area. Jen was relieved to see that it was tidy. She wasn’t sure she could take coming face to face with his dirty underwear draped across a chair.
‘Do you want a drink?’ he said, opening the minibar. Even though she did, she managed to say no. She had to keep a clear head.
There was an awkward pause when neither she nor Sean seemed to know what to do. It was as if they had left the pub with no doubts about what they wanted but now that they were in private, self-consciousness had crept back in. She could see the bed looming up out of the corner of her eye. She tried not to look at it.
Sean walked over and leaned down to kiss her again, and suddenly it all made sense. She felt his hand move inside her uniform jacket, across her collarbone. He started to unbutton her blouse and she shuddered, half from pleasure, half from fear. This was it.
He pulled away and looked at her. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’
She nodded. ‘Just nervous.’
He kissed her again, and she tried to lose herself in it like she had in the pub. It worked too. After the first couple of seconds, she just gave in. It was going to happen. She wanted it to happen.
When they broke apart again, Sean was silent for a second. And then he took a step away from her.
‘Shit. Jen, we can’t do this.’
She thought she’d misheard for a moment. Tried to work out what else he might have said.
‘It’s not that I don’t want to. God, no. But you’re married. You have a family. I … it’s just not right. I can’t take advantage just because you’re having a hard time at home. It’s not me.’
Jen stepped back, felt like all the blood was draining from her head. The room was spinning.
‘It’s not me either. I mean, I don’t go around propositioning men. I’ve never … But I thought this was different. I thought …’ She felt so stupid. She had basically thrown herself at him, and now he was rejecting her. She fumbled with the buttons on her shirt, trying to do them up again.
‘If you were single … but you’re not. It wouldn’t be fair.’
She felt as if she was in a film. The stupid lonely middle-aged woman making a fool of herself by practically jumping a man she hardly knew. The audience would be shouting, ‘Don’t do it!’, laughing at her, feeling sorry for her. Why had she ever been deluded enough to think this man would want her?
‘But,’ she said, a note of desperation creeping into her voice, ‘why did you kiss me, then?’
She waited for him to say, ‘Actually, it was you who kissed me first,’ which, technically, would be correct.
She didn’t know if she could bear the humiliation.
‘Because I think you’re lovely,’ Sean said. ‘But I should never have asked you for a drink.’
‘I feel so stupid,’ Jen said. ‘I’m so embarrassed.’
‘When you wake up tomorrow, you’ll be relieved. You’ll know we did the right thing.’
Suddenly, all she wanted was to get out of there. If she could avoid seeing Sean for the next couple of days, he could join the ever growing list of people she had vowed to try to steer clear of. (She was going to have to move to a desert island, at this rate. That or spend her life savings on some kind of facial reconfiguration.) She had no idea how she could pull that off, so long as she worked at the hotel, but it was the only way. She would pretend this had never happened.
‘I have to go.’
Sean reached out a hand to take her arm. ‘Jen. Don’t be silly. Let’s go back to the pub. We can have another drink, at least.’
She pulled away. ‘No. Really. I should just leave.’
She walked out before he could say anything else. She didn’t know where she was going, she just wanted to put as much distance between herself and Sean as she could. How could she have been so stupid? She had misread the signals completely. She had lost her mind, betrayed Jason, made a fool of herself.
She remembered all the other people in the pub, the voice saying, ‘Get a room.’ Anyone could have seen them, two saddos in their forties, necking away like randy teenagers. Overheard her suggesting they go to his hotel. Was anyone in there laughing now at the deluded married woman who had made an idiot of herself, practically begging a man who wasn’t interested to have sex with her?
She fought back tears. She had no idea who she was any more. The Jen she had always been, the one she thought was a pretty good person, would never have even thought about kissing a man who wasn’t her husband. Let alone done it. Let alone been the one to initiate it. She couldn’t even think about what had happened afterwards, what she’d said to him. She could feel her face flushing at the memory.
She practically ran down the stairs and back out through the door to reception.
‘Did you find it?’ Karen asked pleasantly.
Jen had to think for a moment to remember what she was talking about. ‘Oh. Yes.’
‘God, you were ages back there,’ Neil said. ‘I nearly sent out a search party.’
Jen didn’t trust herself to say anything else, so she just waved her hand. She ignored Graham Roper the Doorman Groper’s shout of goodnight and headed down the street.
She didn’t slow down until she had reached the heart of Soho, thronged with people leaving work, meeting friends for a drink or a meal. She looked at her watch. It was still only twenty past seven. If she went home now, there was a chance Charles and Amelia might still be there. She couldn’t safely assume they would have left until about nine. She had forty minutes to kill before she could start on her journey back to Wimbledon.
She wandered around until she found a Costa Coffee, bought herself a latte and sat staring out of the window.
‘I’m sorry I snapped at you,’ Jason said as soon as she walked through the door.
She couldn’t even look at him. She thought that, if he could see her face, he’d read what had happened written all over it.
‘How was work? You must be shattered. Did you eat? I ordered pizza when Mum and Dad left and I got a huge one, in case you hadn’t had time. It’s in the fridge.’
‘I’m fine. Not hungry.’
