Could it be magic, p.23
Could It Be Magic?, page 23
51
Thea took a deep breath and focussed on letting it go as slowly as she could. She wasn’t going to let Ed get back into her head again, not after all this time. Their reconnection had been necessary, and logical, but that didn’t mean she had to like it. She’d do what she needed to do for the children, but nothing more. She hadn’t told Cora and Dylan about their meeting, in case it had all gone pear shaped. Thea couldn’t bear them getting their hopes up if it was all going to end in tears again, but she knew she couldn’t keep it a secret from them much longer, especially not with Cora and Ben in regular contact via Snapchat. She’d sat them both down when Cora had told her about the initial communication with Ben, so they were both in the loop, but she hadn’t wanted to raise their hopes or stress them out about everyone actually meeting. That was a bridge she needed to cross now.
In a way, it felt reassuring that she could view it so dispassionately. She’d been angry, initially, when she and Ed had spoken, but now, with the benefit of an hour or so’s breathing space, and Tristan’s presence beside her before and after the meeting, she felt better about the whole thing. There was just one thing she needed to do, though, to fully clear the emotional space before Nick came round for dinner with her and the children, and that was to talk things through with them. They had a right to know what had been discussed, and she needed to know how they felt about allowing him back into their lives. They weren’t babies any more, and they had the choice about how they wanted to proceed. It wasn’t just a decision for the adults.
‘Cora, Dylan, can you come down here a minute?’ Thea arranged the three mugs of hot chocolate on a tray and added a selection from the box of biscuits that Lorelai had given her when she’d popped in a couple of days back. She hoped this would go some way to making the discussion a little more palatable.
The thump of two sets of feet on the stairs signalled the kids’ arrival into the living room, and Thea took a deep breath. Although Cora was still messaging Ben, Thea wasn’t sure if Ed would have had the chance to speak to him since their chat. She hoped not. This was something she wanted to broach first.
As the kids flumped on the sofa, Thea settled herself in the armchair and, with murmurs of appreciation, Cora and Dylan sipped their hot chocolate.
‘Mmm, this is lush, Mum.’ Cora grinned, and the smile became wider when she glanced at her brother, who had a frothy moustache of squirty cream. She reached for a chocolate digestive from the tray and before Thea could blink, it had vanished into her mouth.
‘So.’ Thea’s stomach gave a little flip. ‘I went to meet with your dad this morning.’
Cora’s hand, holding a second chocolate biscuit, paused halfway to her mouth. ‘Why didn’t you tell us?’
‘I didn’t want to get your hopes up. It’s been a long time since he and I have been in the same room together, and I wanted to make sure we could both cope with it before I brought you two along.’
‘And are you both still alive?’ Cora gave a brief grin.
Thea grinned back. ‘Just about.’ Then, she became serious again. ‘I know it’s a lot to take in, even with the contact you’ve had with Ben, but it was important that your dad and I ironed out a few things before getting you both involved.’ She briefly told them about Ben’s sister, Maisie, too, so that they were completely in the picture. Cora wasn’t surprised – Ben had already told her about Maisie – but Dylan just nodded. Thea looked at her son, who was staring intently into his mug of hot chocolate. ‘What are you thinking, Dyl?’
Dylan raised his eyes, and Thea’s heart began to ache. ‘It’s all right,’ she said gently. ‘You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.’ She reached out the hand that wasn’t holding her own mug and gave his messy mop of brown hair a stroke. ‘As I said… it’s a lot to take in. And I know you haven’t had as long as Cora has to get used to the idea of meeting Ben. And your dad, of course.’
‘It’s not that,’ Dylan said quietly. ‘It’s just… do you think Dad loves his new kids more than he loves us? Is that why he stayed away so long?’
Thea’s eyes filled with tears at the pain behind that question. She shook her head. ‘No, darling, of course not. Your dad loves you. We both do. And we want to make sure that you’re both happy for him to come back into your lives.’ She hated having to defend Ed, but she needed to make sure Dylan didn’t feel that it was something about himself or Cora that had caused the distance between the family. They’d had conversations like this before, when Dylan had been old enough to realise that his father wasn’t around, but the fact that there were new children in the mix had obviously re-ignited some of his anxiety.
‘But why has he waited so long?’ Dylan asked. ‘I can’t, like, even remember anything about him. It feels weird.’ He furrowed his brow. ‘And what if he doesn’t like us now? What if we don’t like him?’
Thea, who’d spent enough time over the years trying to get past the fact that she didn’t like Ed very much any more (and that was putting it mildly), gave Cora and Dylan what she hoped was a confident smile. ‘Then I promise you don’t have to see him. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. This is a lot to ask of you both, and just because your half-brother, Ben’s found you, that doesn’t mean you can’t choose what to do. This has to be something you want, and Dad and I aren’t going to push you either way. We might not see eye to eye on a lot of things, but we both love you very much. It might not be right for you at the moment, but perhaps sometime in the future you might feel differently. If you don’t want to go any further with it now, I promise you we’ll both understand.’
Cora, who’d been keeping quiet up until now, suddenly interjected. ‘But won’t that be, like, really rude if I suddenly stop talking to Ben?’ Her brow furrowed in that all-too-familiar stressed-out teenager way. It was an expression that Thea had learned to identify, and she called it ‘social media anxiety’. She hated seeing it in her daughter, but at times it felt inevitable.
‘You don’t owe anyone anything,’ Thea replied. ‘Remember that. My job is to keep you two safe and happy, and if that means putting things on hold with Dad and his new children, then that’s OK. If you decide you do want to meet them, then that’s fine, too.’ She reached out and pulled them both close to her. ‘You are the most important people in my life, and I’ll support you, whatever you want to do.’
They cuddled for a moment, and Thea bit her lip. She didn’t want to say anything else to them: Cora and Dylan had to make their own choices about what happened next. She thought she’d done a decent job of trying to stay neutral about it all, under the circumstances, but she realised, to her surprise, that it hadn’t really been that difficult. Making contact with Ed earlier that day hadn’t been pleasant, but it could have been far worse, and for the first time since the bomb had dropped about Ed, Ben, Ciara and Maisie, she felt strong enough to be able to face it.
‘So.’ Cora disentangled herself and looked mischievously up at Thea. ‘Now that’s all done, can we talk about Nick coming round for dinner? I mean, are you two a thing now or what?’
Thea shook her head. She was still getting used to the speed at which her daughter could change emotional lanes, and not even feel the bumps in the road. ‘I’ll let you know. But he seems to like you two, so I thought it was about time we sat down together for some grub.’ She smiled at them both. ‘If that’s still all right with you two?’
Cora and Dylan both nodded, and Thea felt relieved. They’d had a lot to deal with lately, but at least Nick’s presence in their lives seemed to be something they were happy with. She realised, with a pleasurable jolt, that she was more than happy with it, too.
52
A little later on, Thea glanced in the mirror in the hallway before opening the door to a smiling Nick.
‘Hi,’ he murmured as he walked through. She relaxed as he slid his arms around her for a tentative kiss. ‘I’ve missed you.’
‘It’s only been a few days!’ Thea laughed, but she was flattered and warmed by his obvious affection. She allowed herself to kiss him back before they made their way to the living room. Cora was flumped on the sofa, texting or scrolling, and Dylan was sorting through a huge stack of Pokémon cards ready for swapping with his mates when he got back to school. Nick smiled at them both and then sat down in the armchair nearest to Dylan. He glanced at the pile of cards on the arm of the chair.
‘Some of those look familiar!’ he said. ‘Glad to see my old collection’s getting some use.’
Dylan glanced up from the pile and grinned. ‘They’re pretty old,’ he conceded, ‘but you had a lot of rare ones so that’s cool. Thanks for sorting them out.’
‘No problem.’ Nick grinned back.
‘Hi Nick.’ Cora looked up from her phone, but was soon drawn back into whatever she was watching.
‘Got to love the conversational skills of Generation Alpha!’ Thea quipped, which earned her an eyeroll from her daughter. Then, she turned back to Nick. ‘Can you give me a hand in the kitchen?’
‘Sure.’ She and Nick ambled out, ostensibly to put the finishing touches on dinner, but as soon as they were alone, Thea pulled the door closed.
‘You might as well know, Ed’s been to see me. He wants the children to meet his new family.’ Thea slumped back against the kitchen counter.
Nick didn’t say anything at first, but he crossed the kitchen and offered her his arms. She settled gratefully into his embrace, feeling the warmth and support as it seemed to flow from him to her. ‘I’m here for you, Thea. I’ve said it a lot, but I mean it.’
Thea looked up at him. ‘You don’t seem overly surprised by what I’ve just said.’
Nick hesitated, and for Thea, the penny dropped before he confirmed it. ‘Tristan came to see me on the way home this afternoon. He told me what happened.’
Thea sighed. ‘Of course he did.’
‘He just wanted to make me aware, so I didn’t go blundering in and saying something daft, I’m sure.’ His gaze was earnest as it met hers.
‘Or to brief you about the extra complications in my life,’ Thea muttered. She loved her brother, and deep down she knew Tristan had her best interests at heart, but she couldn’t help feeling irritated that he’d broached the subject before she’d had the chance to fully discuss it with Nick, herself.
‘I don’t mind the complications,’ Nick said. ‘I want to be part of your life, Thea, and if they come with you, then that’s fine by me.’
‘It’s a lot to ask of someone whose life is so ridiculously simple,’ Thea insisted. ‘You’ve never had kids, never lived with anyone, never had to look for a job outside the farm… what makes you think you can take all of this on, straight off the bat?’
Nick looked hurt and then irritated. ‘Don’t treat me like an idiot, Thea. I might not have had all of those things but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid.’ He stepped away from her. ‘I thought, over the past few weeks, I might have been able to convince you that I’m serious, and that I want to be a part of you and your children’s future.’
‘You have, Nick, you really have, but this is a lot. I’m not sure what impact re-establishing contact with Ed is going to mean in the long term, and if I don’t know, then I can’t expect you to, either. That’s not part of what you signed up for when you started getting to know me better, I’m sure.’
‘I signed up for you!’ Nick’s voice was more vehement now. ‘And if that means having to deal with Ed, then so be it. I want to help you and Cora and Dylan to get through this, the best that I can. I only wish I’d been able to be here for you years ago.’
Thea’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m so used to being on my own, making the decisions for myself and the kids, that I don’t know how to handle it when someone offers to help. Gran and Tristan are forever getting the rough edge of me because I just need to do things my way. I’m not sure I’m cut out for sharing that responsibility, after all these years of being alone.’
‘What are you saying, Thea?’ Nick’s voice was calmer now, but Thea could feel the hurt running in an undercurrent through it. ‘We’ve barely got started.’
‘I know.’ Thea dropped her gaze to the laminate floor of her kitchen. ‘I guess… I don’t know what I’m saying.’ She swallowed hard. How had everything changed so suddenly? Ten minutes ago, she’d welcomed Nick through the front door with a wide smile and a delicious kiss. Now it felt as though there was a huge gulf between them. She raised her eyes again, to find Nick looking speculatively at her. She knew what he was going to ask, even as he said it.
‘Tell me, if you hadn’t met up with Ed this afternoon, would you still be thinking like this?’
Thea paused before she answered. Eventually, bracing herself, she looked back up at Nick. ‘I don’t know,’ she said quietly. ‘Honestly, I just don’t know.’ She moved towards him and reached out a hand to take one of his. ‘What we’ve done has been wonderful,’ she said softly. ‘And you’re the nicest, loveliest man I know.’
‘But…’ Nick’s voice was quiet, and his expression had a look of resignation.
‘Sometimes I can’t help wondering if we just started this because it was convenient. Because we were both in the same place at the same time. I can’t help wondering if you’ll wake up one morning and realise that, or perhaps I will.’
Nick shook his head, and Thea could see the hurt written all over his features. ‘You might think that, Thea, but I can tell you, I won’t.’ Then, he turned, opened the door and walked out of the kitchen. A few seconds later, Thea heard the front door open and close, and the rumble of Nick’s Land Rover as he drove away.
53
Thea put on a brave face through dinner, fibbing that Nick had received a call from his parents and had needed to rush off to their place, but she got the feeling that neither child was convinced.
‘Can you text him and ask him to check if he’s got any more Pokémon cards?’ Dylan asked as the children tucked into Thea’s casserole with considerably more gusto than she did.
‘Yeah, sure,’ Thea replied, although Pokémon cards were the last thing she wanted to contact Nick about. As soon as he’d left, she’d started kicking herself, and although she was trying to project a calm exterior for the sake of her son and daughter, inside, she was churning.
Cora jumped up from the table and started to clear away the dishes. ‘Come on, Dyl, give us a hand,’ she said. She locked eyes with Thea. ‘Maybe you could call Nick and, er, remind him about those cards while we do the washing up?’
Thea shook her head. ‘He’s probably busy.’
‘Ohhhhkaaaay…’ Cora looked sceptical. ‘Well, go and sit down, anyway, and I’ll make you a cup of tea.’
‘Thanks, love,’ Thea replied. She settled down on the sofa, and listened to her children’s friendly bickering about who should do what in the kitchen and tried to put the quarrel with Nick out of her mind. She’d been right to point out that it had all been a bit rushed. They’d fallen into bed together after their first official date, for goodness’ sake! Who on earth did that? The little voice that told her she’d known Nick for a lifetime was resolutely ignored. She’d been lonely, as had he. They’d enjoyed themselves over Christmas, but now the festive season was nearly over, it was time to get real.
This was her life. This was her house. And in the kitchen, those were her beloved children. She didn’t need anyone else, and she didn’t want anyone else. She’d coped for years after Ed had left, and she’d got quite good at it. Why should she sacrifice her independence for a pair of loving arms, a friendly ear and absolutely dynamite sex?
But this was Nick. And, much as she hated to admit it, she knew he loved her. And much as she wouldn’t admit it to herself, she loved him. Set in her ways she might be, but she couldn’t ignore those two facts. Had she just blown him out because she was afraid to take a risk? Had the renewed contact with Ed put her even more on her guard? If so, was that really fair to Nick, who’d been nothing but patient, kind and steadfast, not just recently but for all of the years she’d known him?
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ she exclaimed.
‘You OK, Mum?’ Cora was standing in the doorway of the living room, looking curiously at her mother.
Thea smiled. ‘You know what? I think I just might be. Do you think you’d be all right to keep an eye on your brother if I pop out for a bit? There’s something I need to do.’
Cora grinned. ‘I think we’ll cope.’ She handed Thea her cup of tea. ‘Do you want this before you go?’
Thea took a sip – Cora always knew how to make a decent cuppa. ‘That’s just the thing I needed.’ She looked at her daughter, and smiled at Dylan as he, too re-entered the living room. She reached out an arm to her daughter, who snuggled up to her briefly, and the other to her son. ‘I know it’s all been a bit weird, lately, but I promise you, things are going to be fine. We’ll make it work, darlings, I promise.’
‘And what about you and Nick?’ Cora asked, her voice slightly muffled from the cuddle. ‘Are you going to make it work with him?’
‘That depends,’ Thea said carefully. ‘Are you sure you two are OK with it, if we do?’
‘Only if he finds more Pokémon cards!’ Dylan quipped, a cheeky gleam in his eye.
‘I’ll make sure he knows that.’ Thea grinned at her son. She held her son and daughter close, and they were eventually joined by Lupin, who could never resist a warm cuddle. They were the most important people in her life, and they always would be, but perhaps it was time to let someone else into their protective little bubble. She knew it was going to be incredibly difficult to let go of the tight hold she had on everything in her life, to begin to share it anew with someone else, but she also knew if she didn’t take that risk and give Nick the chance to be a part of it, too, she ran the risk of being lonely, and wondering what might have been between them. After everything they’d experienced lately, her heart knew she couldn’t allow that to happen. Taking another sip of her tea to fortify her, she kissed the tops of her children’s heads, and headed out to see if she could make amends.
