Highlanders forbidden la.., p.38
Highlander's Forbidden Lass (Lasses 0f Tweeddale Book 3), page 38
part #3 of Lasses 0f Tweeddale Series
She had felt waves of anger alternated with waves of terrible sadness and disappointment. She had found herself drowning in guilt over the fact that she had let the handsome Scot seduce her and lie to her, promising her marriage and a life, only to use her body, take her maidenhead, and then leave her without so much as a whisper of a reason or explanation. There was only silence, and absence. There was nothing, and she was spinning in it, at the very center of it, completely lost in it.
It felt to her that there was a great cloud of darkness just ahead of her; a marriage to a man she knew very little of, a man who seemed driven to possess her as one might possess an item, or even an animal of service, but not a person. Not a human, and certainly not a wife. She could not begin to imagine her life with him, and what it would be like. She could not let herself even think past that day, which loomed so close before her; the day when she would walk down the aisle and be presented before a man of the cloth, a priest, and she would be wed to a Protestant man and become his wife for the remainder of her days on the earth. It was unfathomable to her, but it was happening. The king had decreed it so, and no one had stopped him. No one had come forth to claim her hand and vow their love for her. No one but James. She had been used, well and truly used, and tossed aside like refuse.
Madeleine found it hard to breathe, but somehow the oxygen continued to flow into and out of her. She stared blankly into a void from which she could not escape. She had not eaten nor had much more than water since she had left the castle of the king.
“Madeleine.” A voice sounded behind her. It was a strange voice. One she thought she might recognize, but not readily.
“Madeleine, did you hear me?” The voice came again.
Madeleine blinked and slowly and somehow came back to reality, to the present, discovering that she was sitting on a bench in her aunt’s beautiful garden. She turned her head slowly and looked up, seeing the Duchess Louise de Clermont standing before her in an elegant looking dress.
Madeleine’s mouth fell open slightly, and she tried to form a sentence, but no voice came from her.
“Good day, child. I thought that I might come and have a word with you. May I sit with you, please?” The old woman eyed her keenly.
Madeleine nodded slightly and moved over a bit to share the bench with the other woman. Louise sat down next to her and turned to face her. “Well, it’s been quite a couple of days, hasn’t it,” she stated, rather than asked.
Madeleine thought back in wonder. Had it been two days? She realized that it had. Her engagement party was the next afternoon.
“I suppose it has,” Madeleine finally answered, her voice sounding very thin.
Louise cleared her throat and looked directly at Madeleine. “You don’t look well. How are you feeling?”
“Unwell,” Madeleine replied, not meeting the older woman’s steady gaze.
“And why might that be?” Louise asked, peering at her as if she was taking in every facet of information about her.
Madeleine wished she could laugh about it; it was ironic, but it was not funny. “I dinna want to marry your brother-in-law, but I canna dae anything to stop it.”
Louise looked at her in surprise. “You don’t?” She closed her mouth and considered the younger girl for a few long moments, becoming thoughtful before she spoke again. “You know, I think perhaps I might have been a bit harsh with you last time we spoke. I wasn’t sure that I believed you then, when you said something of the same manner, but now, looking at you here like this, the day before your engagement party, I suspect that you are telling me the truth, and you genuinely don’t want to marry James.”
“It’s the truth,” Madeleine confirmed quietly.
Louise nodded lightly, glancing off in the distance as she thought, and then she looked back at Madeleine. “You know, you and I are only just getting to know one another, but I do have your best interests at heart when I tell you that you should not marry James. It isn’t because I don’t like you; it’s because being his wife would be so difficult for you. His life is one that you were not born to, that you would not understand, and one that you would have a terrible time maneuvering in. In fact, I believe you’d be quite lost in it. It’s not a good match, but unfortunately, James does not see it that way. I believe he is blinded by his desire for you.”
Madeleine did not look at Louise. She only stared into the distance over the woman’s shoulder, but she was listening. Louise continued. “I want you to think of me as your friend, Madeleine. I wonder if you would confide in me, as your friend, the reasons you do not wish to wed James.”
Madeleine did not think of it as any kind of confession, but rather as simply a statement of truth; her truth, the facts of her heart. “I dinna love him.”
Louise tilted her head slightly. “You don’t.” Her eyes sparkled as she pierced Madeleine’s face with them. “Is it possible that your young heart belongs to another?”
Madeleine’s eyes brimmed with hot tears as she thought of the man she loved; the one who had left her to her fate, who had used her and discarded her so callously; who did not love her in return, as he had claimed so earnestly to. “Aye,” She managed to choke the word out, but nothing more.
Louise nodded. “I suspected as much.” She was quiet a moment and then she reached for a soft, finely crafted handkerchief, and pressed it into Madeleine’s hand. Madeleine lifted it to her eyes and dabbed at the tears there. “Now, tell me this. If you love another, and you do not want to marry James, then why have you accepted his proposal and become engaged to him?”
Madeleine shook her head ever-so-slightly. “I did no’ want to, but my aunt told me that I had to. For my family. For my future.”
“Ah. A family obligation.” Louise understood fully then. She leaned a little closer to Madeleine and spoke in a softer voice. “Let me share some hard-earned wisdom with you, my dear. You should follow your heart. This family obligation you speak of will never make a miserable marriage worth it. Never. You won’t ever be happy with him, and he will never be satisfied with you. He will seek comfort and love in the arms of other women behind your back. Women he feels more akin to. Is that the kind of life that you want? A cold, loveless, miserable life all of your days? Or would you rather follow that light, sweet heart of yours and tie it to the man you love? Let me tell you this, and it’s the truth. You owe your family nothing. They sent you here, to this strange country, away from your home. You do not owe them your future. You owe your future to yourself. Do not waste it on a man like James, a man you do not know or love, or even care for! No… spend it wisely, and go marry that man you love. That’s the right thing to do. That’s the right choice to make. Not this cold, loveless marriage.”
Madeleine blinked and finally looked at Louise, meeting her cool eyes. “I… I dae love him, but he doesn’a love me in return. He’s left me.”
Louise shook her head and reached her hand out, patting Madeleine’s arm. “Oh now, who could leave you? He probably heard of the engagement and believed that he could no longer have you. Don’t let go of him. Go after him, and have a life filled with love. You listen to me, and you forget all about this marriage to James. Especially if it’s only for your family. What have they ever done for you? Certainly nothing worth this kind of a sacrifice… sacrificing the rest of your life to them! No. You let go of James. You break the engagement. Nothing is more important than love, especially family. They are nothing to you. They are not reason enough to go through with a marriage like this. You go find your love and leave James alone.”
Louise nodded, as if the matter was settled, and then she rose from the bench, and Madeleine watched her walk away. Madeleine stared after her for a long while, and Louise’s words echoed throughout her mind.
The longer Madeleine thought on them, the more she realized that Louise could not be more wrong. First, Fyn had left her, abandoned her. There was no love from him there for her to go to. She was in love with him, but it was unrequited, and that left her with nothing but a broken heart. But if she married James, she would have something. She could make a sacrifice for her family. She could go through with the marriage that her mother, that her parents, had wanted for her; a good match to a wealthy man, with titles and lands, and it was true that he was even handsome, and he wanted her. Madeleine knew that he wanted to possess her, but she wondered if perhaps there was some kind of love in him for her, and if, after a time, she might learn to love him as well.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized just how wrong Louise was. Madeleine could make this sacrifice for her family. She could marry James. She could have a future, and she could secure a good deal of benefit for her whole clan by the union. It wasn’t much of a sacrifice at all when she thought about it. Her one single life given for the benefit of so many other lives. She began to see that it was probably the best offer she had ever gotten, and she was a fool to sit and cry about it, wishing she could be with a man who clearly didn’t want her. She stood up and used Louise’s fine handkerchief to wipe at her eyes once more, drying them completely. She would marry James, and she would do it in earnest, committing herself to him fully. For her family. In Madeleine’s heart, there was nothing more important than that.
Madeleine turned and left the garden bench, walking back into her aunt’s house. She had her mind made up, and nothing, not even the Duchess Louise de Clermont could stop her. James wanted her, and she was going to marry him and try her hardest to want him in return. Nothing was standing in her way. It wasn’t the road she most wanted to be on, but it was the road before her, and it had the possibility of hope and success on it.
Madeleine went to her room and splashed some cool water on her face, clearing away the tears. A knock sounded at the door, and she called out. The door opened, and the chambermaid looked in at her.
“Miss, there’s someone here to see you,” she announced. “He’s waiting at the front door. I didn’t dare let him in. He looks terrible. A ruffian. I would have sent him away, only the stable boy was there to look after his horse, and he said he’s seen him here before, so I thought I’d check with you. Do you want to see him?”
Madeleine frowned, wondering who it could possibly be. She eyed the chambermaid, looking completely skeptical. She knew she was safe. There were enough servants in the home that there was no chance of anything happening. Standing up straight, she drew in a deep breath.
“Yes, I will see him. Show him into the drawing room,” Madeleine said evenly.
The chambermaid shook her head. “I don’t think that’s wise, miss. Perhaps you should meet him at the door. He’s such a mess.”
Madeleine nodded. “All right then, I’ll see him there.”
She followed the chambermaid out and tucked Louise’s handkerchief up her sleeve, walking to the front door as the chambermaid opened it for her.
Madeleine gasped and her hand flew to her mouth as she gaped in horror at the sight before her. “Fyn!” she cried out in shock.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Fyn stood before Madeleine looking as though he had been dragged a long way; his clothes were tattered, and he was badly beaten up. His face was swollen, and there were scrapes and bruises all over him. He leaned more on one leg than the other, favoring it to ease some of his pain.
Madeleine saw the anguish in his face dissolve when their eyes met. He looked as if much of his troubled mind found peace just at the sight of her. She stared at him. “What happened to ye?”
Fyn gave his head a shake. “I was on my way to the castle to stop your engagement, but…” he paused and eyed her closely. “I was unavoidably delayed. Tell me. Are ye engaged now?”
Madeleine nodded. “Aye. I am.” She couldn’t believe that she was looking at him or that he was in such a state. “Have ye sent the Stewart clan to go and help my father?” she asked, knowing that she had come last for him, but perhaps he had at least remained true to his word to help her family.
Fyn shook his head. “No. I have no’ done it yet.”
Madeleine took hold of the door and drew in a deep breath. “I can see now how much I truly mean to ye. There is no reason for ye to be here any longer.”
His hand shot out, and he stopped her from closing the door. “No! Wait! Ye are making a mistake! I love ye! Truly! James will be the worst decision ye ever make!” His voice was urgent, and his eyes wide as panic shot through him at the realization that he had lost the woman he loved.
“He will no’ be a mistake. He will help my family, now, when they need it. It’s my choice to marry him, and I agreed to it. I will dae it. I have to choose my family over my heart. There can be nothing between ye and I any longer!” She felt a tightness in her throat as tears stung the back of her eyes.
Fyn took a labored step toward the door insistently. “No! Maddie, I will no’ give up on ye!”
“‘Tis too late!” She swallowed hard to choke back her tears and emotions. Her heart was breaking in two, and seeing him there, so close, trying to win her back, made it all the more difficult to push him away.
“It’s no’ too late!” he insisted, coming into the doorway. “Dinna throw away a love so strong and pure as ours! Dinna send me away! Tell me this, Maddie… tell me ye dinna love me, and I will leave ye to your high borne man. Tell me!”
Madeleine could not say it. She couldn’t even think it. Instead, she turned and fled from him, going to her chamber and closing the door behind her. She ran to her bed and laid on it, weeping miserably.
Moments later, a strong hand closed over her shoulder, pulling her up to her feet, and she found herself looking into his eyes. “Ye canna say it to me because ye love me still, more than ye did before, and ye still want me.” He closed his fingers tenderly around her cheeks and lifted her mouth, gazing into her eyes.
“I love ye, Maddie, and I am no’ going to let ye go. I will no’ lose ye. Ye swore to be my wife, and ye will be.” He closed his lips on hers, and as he kissed her, her inhibitions, anger, and pain began to drain from her, and she felt the familiar burn of need for him rising in her like a phoenix. Their kisses deepened, and in moments he loosed her dress from her, leaving her standing in her shift as his hands moved over it, caressing her body through the material. She pushed herself away from him, shaking her head as she looked up into his stormy, sea-blue eyes. Her cheeks were wet with tears, and her lips swollen from his hungry kisses.
“Ye have to stop! I canna make love with ye! I am engaged to marry another! Ye should no’ even be here!” Madeleine tried to pull away from him, but his arms around her were solid.
He looked hard at her. “Dae ye love me?” He asked insistently.
Madeleine could not deny it. “Aye.” She admitted in misery, tears welling in her eyes again.
“Then dinna give up on me. I love ye, and I want ye. I am no’ willing to let ye go. Ye will be my wife. Ye might be engaged to him now, but we will find a way out of this for ye, and ye will be freed. And I… I will make love with ye if ye want me. Ye dinna belong to him yet, ye are still a free woman, and ye are still my woman.”
Fyn slipped his hand beneath her chemise and moved his fingers between her thighs, massaging her firmly and entering her with them as he kissed her passionately. She moaned deeply and her fingers closed tight over his shoulders as her heart began to race.
Lifting his lips, his eyes searched hers as his fingertips continued to move over and inside of her. “Dae ye want me? Here and now… dae ye?”
There was almost no breath in her at all, and every bit of resistance against him had gone from her. “Yes…” She barely managed to whisper. In a moment he pulled the chemise from her, as well as his own clothes, and he laid her back in her bed, his body warm and solid against hers as he held her close and kissed her hungrily.
She parted her thighs for him, knowing that she shouldn’t, but ignoring it for the simple truth that she had never needed him more than she did then. He pushed his erection into her, filling her, and leaving no room in her for any thought other than him as they began to rock together, their arms holding one another tightly, their lips finding solace and passion with each other.
They made love a long while, and when he finally let her go, when the desires in both of them were sated, he laid back with her against her pillows and cradled her against the wall of his chest, kissing her forehead and her fingertips gently.
“I canna believe ye came here today and…” She trailed off, closing her eyes for a moment as the reality of their actions came to the forefront of her mind like a storm on the horizon. “I am engaged to James! This canna ever happen again! Ye must let me go,” she whispered the last of it to him, not wanting to speak it, but knowing that it must be said. It wrenched her heart, but she knew that it had to be the last time.
Fyn shook his head and looked intently into her eyes. “No! I will no’ let ye go. Ye are going to be my wife. I dinna care what James or the King of France says. We are Scots, ye and I, and we are able to wed each other if we choose, and I choose ye! I am sorry I could no’ be there to stop the engagement, but I will go to the engagement party tomorrow and stop it there! It’s no’ too late! We can dae this, and then I will send word to my family to help restore peace between the clans. I promise ye that. I swear to ye. It will be done.”
