The long road home, p.12
The Long Road Home, page 12
‘Wow, what gorgeous furniture,’ Alice said, running a hand over the golden shining streaky tones of the hall table.
‘Thanks.’
‘Did you make this, too?’
‘I did. Most of the furniture is mine – or at least restored by me.’
‘That’s amazing.’
‘Man’s gotta have a hobby,’ he said with a shrug.
He seemed a little uncomfortable with the praise, or perhaps it was just having her in his space. Or maybe he was preoccupied. She couldn’t tell. ‘I know what you mean. I’ve become obsessed with reading to get ready for my course. I’ve got a few months yet before I start.’
‘Well, you can’t be too organised.’
‘Is this your family?’ she asked, moving closer to a large framed photo on the wall above.
‘Yep, that’s our motley lot,’ he said, moving close to her side. She fought to keep her breath steady. ‘Mum and Dad and my grandparents – Mum’s side on the left and Dad’s side on the right. They’re all retired and living in Ballarat – part of the reason I’m in town so often. And my siblings – both far too smart to stay here and be farmers! Tom, my older brother. He’s an engineer high up in mining in WA. And that’s my younger sister, Katie, a superbly talented costume designer in New York. Last year she worked on her first big Broadway show,’ he said, proudly. ‘We all went over and surprised her, including the grandparents. Poor old New York will never be the same again after our rowdy mob stormed the place. We kept forgetting to tip and which way was uptown and downtown on the subway. Utter chaos, I tell you! But it was awesome. They’re awesome. I’m very blessed,’ he added, touching a finger to the glass briefly before turning away. Alice ached with envy as they moved through to the kitchen.
‘Oh, hello,’ Alice said, brightening, as two dogs appeared in front of her – one a stocky red kelpie and the other a large short-haired black and white dog, which she took to be a border collie-kelpie cross. Rick’s family had similar-looking dogs. They stood politely in front of her, waving their tails back and forth. As she gave them both a pat, she briefly thought she was glad she’d left Bill with the Finmores. He might be intimidated by the sheer size of these creatures. Though they might all get on very well – Bill had been friendly with every other dog he’d come across while out. She found herself liking the idea that he had dogs. Though, he had sheep, so it stood to reason.
‘Alice, meet Eric and Ruby,’ he said.
‘Cute names. They’re well-behaved.’
‘They’re okay,’ he said as he placed the carry bag on the bench beside a turned wooden fruit bowl filled with apples and oranges.
‘Can I help with anything?’
‘No, you’re good. I won’t be a sec. Can I get you anything?’
‘No, I’m all good, too, thanks.’
‘It’s a work in progress,’ he said, turning back from the fridge and noticing her looking around at the neat and tidy if dated kitchen. ‘Right, that’s the milk and butter saved and the bottle of wine not forgotten. Come and see where it all happens,’ he said, leading the way through the kitchen onto a small back porch and then out into a back garden. This space was dedicated to a few large trees, which Alice recognised as fruit trees, and some neat raised beds, which she assumed were for vegetables. She let out a sigh of awe at the order of the space as she looked around her. Where the front garden was beautiful and relaxing because of its charm and colour, this was enchanting because of its clean lines and tidy order.
‘I don’t do haphazard,’ he said from beside her.
‘I can see that.’
‘I may be a little obsessive.’
‘Oh no, I love it,’ she said before catching herself and reining in her enthusiasm. At Rick’s, the yard hadn’t even been fully fenced. It was dirt, with the only green being weeds. When Alice had broached the subject of planning a garden, she’d been swiftly told it was a waste of water and something to the effect of, ‘Why would I want to farm on my time off?’ She’d thought at the time he had a point. She wasn’t a born and bred farmer. What would she know? But here was Blair.
‘Have you always been on the land?’ she ventured.
‘Yup. I’m the third generation,’ he said proudly.
Again, there was none of the burden that Rick had seemed to carry; only pride. To be fair, it sounded as though he’d had much better luck in the family department than poor old Rick – it would be easier for him to like farming life.
‘It certainly is a beautiful spot,’ she said, shielding her eyes against the late afternoon sunshine and looking to the large gum trees and the blue hills further away. There was not a car body or broken piece of machinery or rusted hunk of metal in sight, she noted as she followed him down a red-brick herringbone-patterned path and out a wire gate, which she carefully clicked closed behind her.
He smiled back at her from where he’d paused just beyond the gate. ‘Yep, I know – rule number one; leave every gate as you found it,’ she said.
‘You’re a keeper,’ he said, leading the way forwards again, leaving Alice to catch her breath and ask her stomach to stop somersaulting. She hurried to catch up. ‘Can you hold this?’ he said, handing her the bottle of wine before she had a chance to respond. ‘And the piece de resistance.’ He used both hands to pull back a huge corrugated iron sliding door and then flicked a light switch just inside. There were a few buzzes and clicking sounds as a series of fluorescent lights sprung into life and lit the centre of the cavernous space. In the darkness in the other bays, Alice could see machinery lined up.
‘My happy place,’ Blair said, walking over and pulling white sheets off pieces of machinery and projects in various states of progress – like a magician, though, unlike a magician, who might have tossed the fabric coverings aside for dramatic effect, he carefully balled them up against his stomach.
‘God, it’s so neat. I love it,’ Alice marvelled. She felt a whole new wave of lust for him. The only sign that this was a working woodwork studio was a small pile of shavings on the floor below the lathe.
‘I’m guessing your farmer was one of the other types,’ he said.
‘Not too bad, but certainly not this well laid out. This is a whole other level of tidy,’ she said, moving around the space. She’d almost cried, ‘Oh, you have no idea’ and rolled her eyes, but had stopped herself in time. She didn’t want to be disloyal to Rick, and he hadn’t exactly been allowed to be his own man, from what she’d seen. She’d tried plenty of times in the early days to help him clean up, pleading safety, and ‘tidy life, tidy mind’, but he had seen it as a waste of time and had made it clear he didn’t want to spend time in the shed full stop. While she knew lots of farmers tinkered in their down times, Rick preferred to stay in the house watching TV. She’d longed to ask him what his issue with the shed – and the place generally – was, but Rick back then didn’t do calm and rational discussions if her questions held even the slightest hint of criticism. She hoped he was different now he’d been having counselling.
Alice jumped slightly at finding Blair suddenly right beside her. ‘It’s a beautiful grain, isn’t it?’ he said. Alice looked down. She hadn’t realised she was stroking the shiny surface of a small table. Blair’s fingers touched hers before he snatched his hand back. This time she hadn’t imagined it. He put his arm around her shoulder, drawing her to him. ‘Thanks for appreciating it; it means a lot,’ he said, kissing her on the side of her head and releasing her.
That’s it? What the hell! Alice felt hopes that had suddenly risen slide away again and her molten insides harden. What was that about? What’s his story? Is he interested, or isn’t he? She moved away and pretended to look at and caress other pieces, then made a show of checking the time. What she wanted to do was pick up the small sanding block and throw it at him.
‘We’d better get back. Lauren and Brett should be there by now,’ she added lamely.
She hoped she didn’t sound as petulant as she felt. She wasn’t sure how bothered she was either way – if he wanted romance with her or not – but she didn’t like feeling confused. Was he playing games with her, deliberately messing with her, pulling her strings?
‘Okay, then. Yeah, you’re right.’
In the ute, Alice tried to appear as buoyant as before, but knew she was failing when instead of putting the vehicle in gear after turning on the ignition, he turned to her and with a frown said, ‘Are you okay? Have I done something to upset you.’
‘No, sorry, it’s just me. This has brought up a lot of stuff for me,’ she said, scrabbling to give an excuse, no matter how lame, for her deflated mood.
‘Fair enough. Sorry, I didn’t mean to …’ He put the vehicle into gear and began driving slowly away from his place back the way they’d come.
Alice chewed the inside of her cheek, feeling annoyed with herself – for, one, letting such a silly thing get under her skin and, two, saying everything was okay when it wasn’t. She cursed the years of conditioning. She was doing what she was programmed to do: be meek and mild; do and say the right thing for everyone else; make sure no one felt uncomfortable. Suddenly she was gnawing her cheek more ferociously, not to remonstrate with herself, but to find the words, literally chewing on them, rolling them around to find the right ones and their order to say what was on her mind. She took a deep breath before speaking.
‘Blair, can I talk to you about something?’
‘Sure.’
‘Um, could you stop the car?’ Alice said, surprising herself.
Without a word, Blair eased the vehicle to a stop, put the handbrake on and turned to face her. ‘What’s up? Are you okay?’
She almost lost her nerve at seeing the concern written on his face. ‘I’m not car sick, if that’s what you mean.’
‘Oh. Okay.’ He turned the ignition off and turned more towards her.
‘Blair, why did you pull away back there? Because I didn’t imagine it, did I?’
‘No,’ he said, looking away.
‘Did you realise I was interested – I mean, I guess I could have made it clearer, but …’
‘No, that’s cool. I know it’s harder for women to be really upfront. I knew, anyway. There is a connection, for both of us.’
‘Then why?’
Blair took a deep breath – so deep his solid, wide chest visibly became larger. He rubbed both hands across his face before turning back to her and speaking. ‘I like you, Alice. I really do.’
‘But not in that way?’ God, am I twelve?
‘No. Yes. Well …’
‘Oh god. Right.’
‘It’s just … Look, you’ve just come out of a serious relationship. I’m guessing the last thing you need is a man making moves while you’re sorting yourself out. I’m sorry if I’ve sent mixed messages. I tried not to, but I do like you. And, yes, in that way. But …’
Was that a but? Alice wasn’t sure if she’d heard it or not. I mustn’t have, she thought, because nothing followed it. Relief flooded through her.
‘I’m sorry, too, Blair, for putting you on the spot – I …’ Ugh – she was meant to be stopping the automatic apologies.
‘Hey, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to get things straight.’ He seemed to relax, and Alice felt her shoulders drop a little in response.
‘I can understand you thinking I need time but, I assure you, I’m not heartbroken. That sounds awful, like I don’t care. I do, it’s just that, well, he never felt like the one,’ she said, using air quotes.
‘You don’t need to explain, Alice, I get it.’
But clearly I do, because you obviously don’t get it. Otherwise you’d be kissing me now. Oh god. Suddenly Alice’s throat was too dry for words and any boldness she’d gathered seeped away. She undid her seatbelt and turned towards him more, edging a bit closer as she did. Her heart was hammering again. She wanted to say, Blair, please just kiss me. But she couldn’t make herself. She reached across and clasped his hand. And then she watched, stunned, her eyes growing wider, as he slowly pulled it away – as if in slow motion.
‘I’m sorry, Alice, I can’t.’
‘But you just said you liked me.’ Oh god, how much like a whiny teenager do I sound? Jesus, can it get any more humiliating?
‘I do like you, Alice, more than I have anyone for ages. More than I want to.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Alice said, her frustration and humiliation crossing into anger.
‘I can’t have kids, Alice.’
She looked at him, perplexed. ‘What’s that got to do with anything, Blair? I’m not asking you to marry me. Or have kids. Oh. Are you religious, as in you don’t believe in sex before marriage?’ God, she had him pegged all wrong.
‘No,’ he said with a laugh. ‘I’m actually anti–organised religion.’
‘Right. Good to know. Me too, for the record. So, what is it?’
He took another deep breath and let it out loudly. ‘I like you too much, Alice, that’s the problem. If we got serious, I’d break your heart because I don’t want kids and you’d break mine because then you’d leave.’
‘Um, hang on. What?’ Alice blinked. She was genuinely confused, had got a little caught up with the words ‘I like you too much, Alice’ and had almost missed what had followed. Perhaps she had missed something. ‘Did you say you can’t have or don’t want kids?’
‘Both. And does it matter which?’
‘Huh?’ Alice’s head began to pound.
‘I’ve had cancer and I wouldn’t want to see any kid of mine go through it, especially knowing there’s a chance I’ve passed on the gene.’
Cancer. ‘God, you poor thing.’
‘I don’t want your pity, Alice.’
‘No, sorry. I didn’t mean … What sort of cancer?’
‘Does it matter?’
‘Oh god. No, you’re right. It doesn’t … I didn’t …’ I’m just freaking out here.
‘Breast. I know, it’s weird for a bloke. Just don’t laugh.’
‘Why would I laugh? Jesus, Blair, what do you think I am?’ Alice stared at him.
‘People have. Blokes, though.’
She shook her head slowly. ‘What the hell is wrong with people?’
‘I know, right?’
Gradually his issue came clear in Alice’s brain. ‘But …’ She paused as she struggled to replace the words that had immediately come to mind. But, this is good, was so the wrong thing to begin with, especially when they were on such shaky ground already.
‘Please don’t say, “But there’s no guarantee” and “They might have found a cure by then”, or any of the other buts,’ Blair said, cutting her off.
‘I wasn’t. And it hurts that you’d think I might be that shallow or thoughtless, I was going to say. But you’re making the assumption I want kids. And I’m pretty sure I don’t, actually. Just because I’m a woman does not mean I have the desire to procreate.’ Alice wrapped her arms around herself. It felt so good to speak her decision out loud – hell, to feel free to make such choices. She knew countless people did this every minute of every day, but it was different for survivors of abuse. She unfolded her arms in case Blair thought she was annoyed.
‘But …’
‘There’s that word again, Blair,’ she said, smiling at him.
‘When did you decide?’
‘I’ve never felt maternal, but always assumed I would some day. It’s what we women are supposed to do. But with all I’ve known turned upside down recently – that’s a whole other long story that I won’t bore you with now – I realised I can choose not to. And I have!’
‘But you’re young. You might change your mind.’
‘I might. I don’t know what the future holds. I can tell you that right now I don’t even like children and have absolutely no desire to have any.’
‘I’m sorry, Alice. I …’
‘Oh.’ As she studied him more closely, she felt her heart sink slowly and painfully. He looked troubled, torn. And sad. ‘But you’re not prepared to take that risk, are you? Because you’ve been here before, haven’t you?’
He nodded in response.
‘Our timing’s all wrong, isn’t it?’ She blinked back the tears.
‘I think it is,’ he said, and looked away. ‘Please don’t let this ruin our friendship. Please, Alice,’ he said in barely more than a whisper.
‘Of course it won’t. We’re okay.’ She smiled to reassure him. I’m okay, she told herself, but she was heavy with sadness and disappointment.
‘We’d better get back,’ he said, sounding a little brighter. He turned the key in the ignition, put the vehicle in gear and slowly got back up to speed.
‘Yeah.’
‘I’m really sorry,’ Blair said, again.
‘I know. So am I. But it’s okay. I understand.’ Alice turned to face the window. Overwhelming sadness hung all around her and inside she was numb. She wished she could be angry with him – that might hurt less – but she couldn’t. His honesty and his selflessness in wanting to protect a child from illness endeared him to her all the more. And oh how she so badly longed for him to take her in his arms and hold her tight – hold this pain until it went away.
With nothing left to say, they travelled in silence. To Alice the trip back seemed to take an extraordinarily long time, despite the whooshing by of the scenery outside in a blur of dotted fenceposts and strips of green punctuated by the grey of large tree trunks. By the time they pulled up beside Frank’s sedan at the front of Toilichte House, she had managed to blink back all the tears and was calm.
‘Again, I’m really sorry, Alice,’ Blair said, putting his hand on her knee as she had hers on the door handle and was about to get out.
