The hot firefighter, p.40
The Hot Firefighter, page 40
“Fine,” she called back. “Just noticed there’s no toilet paper in here and thought I’d check the closet. You really do need to clean up in here.”
“Oh, I keep the TP in the cupboard under the sink.”
No response.
I strained my ears and didn’t hear anything. “Mariah?”
My heart pounded. Fear twisted in my gut. I reached for the bathroom door, my fingertips falling lightly upon the knob.
The knob twisted under my fingers. Mariah opened the door from the inside. I stepped back. “Mariah?”
She looked up at me, frowning, her brows furrowed. In one hand, she held the pregnancy test. In the other, the directions. Her mouth opened slightly in shock, but no words emerged.
I stared back at her, numbness spreading throughout my whole body.
23
CHRIS
I sat on the couch in the living room with my laptop balanced on my knees. My heart was heavy in my chest. There came a time in every person’s life when they needed to reconsider who they were, what they were doing.
It didn’t seem fair how much I was having to have those reconsiderations.
There wasn’t anything for me in this town anymore.
Family wasn’t a reason to stay. I didn’t have Dana. I didn’t belong at the fire department.
I didn’t belong at any fire department anymore, did I? I had failed my team, my brothers, twice now. It seemed like it was time for me to look for a job doing something else, somewhere else.
I booted up the laptop and opened a search engine. I clicked on the search bar and then stared at the blinking cursor, wondering what the hell I was supposed to type in. I had never done any sort of general job search before. I had always known that I wanted to be on a fire department, and I had applied directly to the one in the city. When I had switched from the city to back home, I had again reached out directly, this time to Brian.
How did other people find jobs?
I shrugged a little to myself and typed in “jobs near me.” I figured that couldn’t hurt as a place to start.
A website popped up and I clicked on it. It was more or less a place where people looking for new hires posted their job listings and stated their requirements. It was the Craigslist of jobs.
I played with the search settings a little bit to better customize them to my needs and hit the search button. I leaned back and started browsing, clicking on the ones that struck me as something I could possibly do. I didn’t have any education past high school, so anything requiring that was out of the window. I didn’t have much in the way of technical skills, either.
But what I did have was strength and versatility, and the ability to switch directions on a dime. I could compartmentalize and strategize, and work efficiently as part of a team. I could also work just fine by myself.
It seemed like I was probably going to wind up as part of some construction crew, or with some other labor-focused job. That wasn’t too different from what I did currently, so it was fine with me. I just needed something, anything.
Once I found a job, once I was hired, I would move. I had been saving pretty rigorously over the past couple of months, so it shouldn’t be that hard to rent an apartment or even a room if I had to.
After going through a couple pages of listings, I considered myself to have done enough. I had options now. I’d apply later on, after I got home from my shift.
I heaved up from the couch and went to get ready. After all, I wasn’t moving yet. I had to keep maintaining what little I did have until it was the right time.
And I needed to talk to Brian about my plans.
I headed off to the station and clocked in, then went in search of the boss. I poked around in a couple of the rooms where he was likely to be, starting with his office. No luck.
After I continued to have no luck, I stopped in the middle of the hall and thumped my fist on the wall. Dammit, why can’t this one small thing go as planned?
“What’d that wall ever do to you?”
I turned around to find Fire Chief Brian standing behind me, carrying a bag of chips and a soda can. The kitchen. Of course, I should have checked the kitchen. “Can I talk to you about something, Chief?”
“Sure, I’ve always got time for you, Chris.” He led the way back to his office.
I didn’t feel special after hearing him say that. He would say the same thing to every firefighter who came to him to talk.
I sat down on a chair in his office, after cleaning it off, and he perched his hip directly on his desk. He popped open the bag of chips and held it out to me.
I held up my hand, signaling that I’d pass.
“Suit yourself.” Brian dug out a chip and crunched on it. “What’d you want to talk about, then?”
Now that the time had come, I felt nervous. His opinion meant a lot to me.
He paused while going in for another chip and looked closer at me. “Chris?”
I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “Don’t be upset with me, Chief, but I think that I’m ready to try out a new path in life, seeing as this one hasn’t been very good as of late.”
“Well, I applaud you for that.”
“Sir?” That wasn’t the response I’d expected.
“Too many people give up when things don’t go their way. I admire that you want to be proactive about it. What do you have in mind, then? How can I help?”
He hadn’t caught on, I realized. “Sir, I want to give up firefighting. I have decided that I’m going to look for another job and move to wherever that takes me.”
“Back to the city?”
“If that’s where I have to go.”
“I think you’d have a hard time there.” He looked at me with intensity.
I lowered my head. “I’m having a hard time here, Brian.”
“You’re sure about this? About giving up on being a firefighter? You’ve got the energy and grit that it takes. You’ve got the passion. That’s rare. I could help set you up at a different station, if it’s the location that’s bugging you.”
“I don’t want to be the guy with the reputation of skipping from station to station. No one would trust me. And a fire station needs trust in it.” I swallowed hard. “I’m probably going to wind up in construction or something.”
“You’d be good at it. You’d be good at whatever job you chose.” He frowned and tilted his head. “There’s always loading docks looking for work. And farms that could use extra hands. Your options aren’t limited.”
“Good suggestions.”
“I’ll help you look, if you like,” he offered.
I shook my head. “I’ll handle it.” I had let him down enough without failing to get hired at whatever job he picked out for me.
“Alright.” He stood and put his hand on my shoulder. “I appreciate you coming and telling me beforehand. I know it can’t have been easy for you. But will you do me a favor?”
“What is it?” I looked up at him, and away again, as his kind eyes made my heart ache.
“I’d like to discuss this with you more, somewhere we aren’t likely to be interrupted. You’re still young and I want to make sure you’ve thought all this out before you make it official. I guess that probably comes across as nosy.”
“No, I… appreciate it. It’ll be helpful to talk about all this and get my thoughts straight. When?” I stood, too.
“I’ll text you soon. It’ll likely be lunch or dinner in a couple days.”
“Fine with me. I’ll be around for a bit yet.”
Brian walked over to the office door and set his hand on it. “Now, don’t go thinking that you can get away with slacking off just because you’re thinking about moving. I want you here and present.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Good. Since that’s the case, how about sorting that shipment of new equipment we got?” Brian pulled the door open and motioned me out into the hall.
“I’ll get right on it,” I replied and walked out.
He shut the door behind me.
I breathed a sigh of relief and got to work.
That was a lot easier than I thought.
Maybe I wasn’t the only one eager for me to get gone.
24
DANA
Ever since Mariah found the pregnancy test, she had been texting me non-stop, asking if I had taken it yet. I kept telling her no and she kept asking. She was insistent that it be done sooner rather than later, to give me just that much more time to prepare.
She was right, I knew that, but some sort of mental block prevented me from taking the test. I had even begun to avoid that bathroom, favoring the other one instead. Because if I used that bathroom, the test would be right there and I’d have no reason not to take it, whereas if I went to the other one, I could lie to myself and pretend I’d forgotten.
Yes, I was lying to myself a lot, lying and making excuses. Of course, I was pregnant. I had to be. But if I took that test and confirmed it, I’d have to start planning. I’d have to face the truth. I’d have to talk to Chris.
I wasn’t ready. I was never going to be ready. So I delayed and I acted oblivious, knowing that it was only going to hurt me in the end.
I was lounging around the house on Saturday, a couple days after Mariah discovered the test. I was trying to veg out on the couch and watch a movie, and possibly fall asleep since I was extremely tired.
Mariah seemed insistent upon not allowing that to happen, however, texting me every couple of minutes. She had recently given up on asking me to take the test and had instead switched to jabbering about anything and everything that entered her head. I knew she was doing it just to keep my mind on her, on what she really wanted me to do.
After yet another text, I lost my patience. I picked up my phone and called her. “Isn’t this a better way to communicate?” I demanded as soon as she answered.
“Sorry, I was just trying to chat with you.”
I snorted. “We both know that’s not true.”
“Okay, and we both know you need to take that test,” she fired back. She just wouldn’t let it go.
“I’m going to, okay?”
“You need to be sure. Once you’re sure, you’ve got to tell Chris. He needs to know that he’s going to have a baby.”
I closed my eyes. My voice wobbled. “I’m not ready.”
“Honey, I don’t think that you’re ever going to be ready, unfortunately.” Her voice was sympathetic. “That’s just kind of the nature of this stuff.”
She was right, but it had to be so much easier for her to say such things. She wasn’t the one who had to do anything. She wasn’t the one carrying the kid of a man she hadn’t spoken to in three months.
Possibly carrying the kid. I still hadn’t taken the test. There was still the possibility that all of this was simply being caused by stress.
As if.
“Dana, it’s been months. Too many more months and the baby is going to be popping out of your womb and waving hello at the world. Are you still going to pretend that it’s not happening then? That the screeching little critter attached to you by an umbilical cord might not be real?”
“God, you’re painting quite the vivid image, aren’t you?”
“Sorry, but it’s getting the point across, isn’t it?” Mariah chuckled softly. “Maybe it’s time to move forward, even though it’s scary. Even though you’d rather not, you know you have to. Do it now and that’s the worst part taken care of, and you can start being proactive.”
I shivered and hugged my arm around myself. “I’m scared.”
“Don’t be, okay? You’ve got me, and Mason, and your parents, and everyone else. We all love you and we’ll help take care of you. And so will Chris.” I would have protested, but Mariah kept on talking, leaving me no chance to do so. “You think he’ll run away? No way. He’s a firefighter. He’s got a sense of responsibility. Even if you two wind up just being friends, or just friendly, he’ll help you out. He has that right too, since it’s half his.”
Tears rose into my eyes. “You’re right.” My voice quivered. “I’ll take it tonight. I will. I’ll tell you the result. Just don’t nag me about it anymore.”
“No more nagging, I promise. But if you don’t take it tonight, I’m coming over there tomorrow and dragging you to a doctor. If you won’t pee on that stick, you’ll just have to lose a little blood instead.”
I laughed despite myself. “No, thank you.”
“Hey, don’t laugh. You think I’m not being serious? I’m completely serious. You don’t want to test me.”
I didn’t want to test her. She was much too stubborn and I was no match for her.
I wound up watching the rest of my movie, although I wasn’t paying all that much attention to it. When it was over, I got up and headed into the bathroom that I had been avoiding. I opened the dreaded closet door, my breath short in my throat, and there it was, sitting on top of a stack of towels.
I took out the test and the instructions. I read the instructions through one more time even though it was an incredibly simple process. I had to smile at the test’s claims that I could get results faster than other tests. I was kind of late to the party, three months in rather than several weeks.
I sat down and took the test. It took a long time. I couldn’t relax enough to let go, and the instructions said it had to be a steady stream. Eventually, I was able to empty my mind enough for it to happen. I finished up and waited for the results to come in.
When enough time had passed for the results to be ready, I had to consciously make myself look. My body seemed strange and unfamiliar, as if I was operating a very old car instead of my modern one that was less than three years old.
My vision blurred. I blinked, and everything snapped back into focus.
Confirmed. I was pregnant.
A wave of emotions surged up inside of me, like a runaway elevator. There were too many of them tangled together to decipher. I put my hand to my face and pulled in several deep breaths, waiting for the elevator to slow. It did, eventually, but my heart was still beating faster than was normal.
I pushed my hair back and took another deep breath, and that seemed to settle me for the moment. “Okay,” I whispered to myself. “Okay. Now what?”
I dropped my hands from my head and they went automatically to my stomach. I looked down at my middle and lifted up my shirt. Still flat, though maybe a little softer than it had been before due to my weight gain. I wasn’t actively showing. No one would look at me and assume I was going to have a baby.
How long until they did?
How much time did I have before people began to notice what was up? It would be other mothers first, or old folks. And unfortunately, those were the people most inclined to gossip. It would happen fast, before I knew what was going on.
I had to act even faster.
I nodded a little to myself and headed out of the bathroom and back to the living room. Mariah had been right. Taking the test was the worst part. Now that that was over, I felt like I could act.
I picked up my phone and sat down, perched on the edge of the cushion. Nervousness swirled at the base of my stomach. Just because the worst was over didn’t mean the rest was going to be easy.
I pulled up my old texts with Chris. My heart cramped at how cute we had been, how excited we were to spend time together.
Funny, how I immediately got rid of my conversations with Thomas after he betrayed me, but I kept Chris’s.
I held the phone in my hands, thumbs poised to write. I didn’t want to worry him, but I also needed to impart a sense of urgency into my words.
“I know we haven’t been talking lately, but we need to talk soon. When are you free?”
I sent the message and then got up and started pacing. How big was the baby? How developed? Could it tell that I was moving around, that I was anxious? I needed to start doing research.
I needed to look up the things I needed to take care of it. I was going to have to buy a lot of things.
Maybe not all the things, though.
Once people eventually found out, the community would try to assist me. I’d be offered more things than I could possibly use. It would behoove me to start making a list so that I knew what to look for and didn’t accidentally get too many of the same things.
I checked my phone for messages and saw Chris had sent one only a minute ago. I’d missed it, somehow.
“Did your dad tell you?”
I frowned, puzzled at what that could mean. “What do you mean?” I sat back down, bored of pacing.
“I’m probably going to be leaving town soon,” he responded.
Tears brimmed in my eyes and spilled over, trickling down my cheeks. Was I too late? I had to talk to him before he went away.
25
CHRIS
I woke up on Sunday morning and instantly started to roll out of bed, until I recalled that I didn’t have a shift at the station. I flopped back and stared up at the ceiling, wondering how the hell I was going to get through the day without anything to do.
This was exactly how I had felt in the city on the rare days when I wasn’t working and wasn’t drinking. I was somehow in the same situation, just in a different location.
My phone buzzed. I rolled over and picked it up off the nightstand. My heart started pounding at the possibility that it might be Dana again. She wanted to talk about something with me.
I hadn’t told her a specific time when we could meet up. I wasn’t sure that I should. Maybe it’d just be better for both of us if we never talked again, and I just left.
It wasn’t her, though. It was a text from Brian.
“Hey, you up to having lunch at the diner today?”
That, at least, was something to do, although that wouldn’t be for several hours and it was bound to be unpleasant.
“Sure. What time?”
