Proper secrets, p.22
Proper Secrets, page 22
“I have not. You may go,” said Emily.
“Now who is being rude? You cannot order me about, Miss Worthing,” laughed the Captain.
“I am not in a mood for jokes or mocking, sir.” He nodded.
“I love you. You’ve never allowed me to express it fully, so I have done so now. I am so happy to see you.” Emily stopped again, and compromised every principle she held dear.
“I am engaged,” she said. It was a boldfaced lie, but he did not know that. It was almost true, however. Emily had thrown herself into the idea of being alone, of not being miserable without him. She had committed to it. That he would come back and hope for their relationship to grow challenged her resolve.
He went white, and reached up to feel the beating of his heart, as if to be sure there was a pulse.
“To whom?” Emily had never witnessed more violent wretchedness in a person. His expression was beyond tears of pain, and recognizing such a look had come from herself, Emily hung her head in guilt for causing it, but continued trudging toward the meadow.
“Myself,” she said.
“Emily Worthing,” he growled, “You will be my undoing.”
“Lies don’t feel like paradise, do they, Capt. Wingrave?” He followed her still, keeping a distance.
“My family is not speaking to me because I have come here. Mary is frantic that Peter will find out,” he said.
“Maybe she should be the one to tell him then. Why does she worry? She refused him,” said Emily.
“Do you seriously think she wants to offer him details of her disgrace? She is so ashamed that even if Peter knew, I wonder if she would accept him. Mary wants the best for him, and to her, that does not entail a fallen woman.”
“Then you are both blessed with the same flaw of disallowing others to decide what is best for themselves.”
“Is that right?”
“Yes, it is. You left Tripton without telling me, without saying goodbye. I had nothing, but to accept your decision.”
“It was a choice I was not ready to make. My parents will not disown me, but they will not communicate any further while I insist on associating with your family. Can’t you understand that they were hurt? They trusted the Annesleys with their only daughter and she came back to them, unmarried and with child, heartbroken. On top of that heartbreak came another, to give away that child. My sister hates that I am a sworn brother to Peter. She hates that I am here. It is not just fear, but jealousy. I had to make the choice to disconnect myself from them. I can live in their disapproval, but I cannot bear the thought of watching you join with someone else.”
“I very much doubt that I will marry, Capt. Wingrave,” said Emily.
“That is enough, for now,” he said. He left her at the edge of the meadow, bright spring flowers just beginning to lend peeks of their colors.
After a week of banishment from the library during the day, Emily complained at her brother after dinner.
“Why don’t you work at Reddester? I would like to be able to fetch a book without waiting until evening,” said Emily.
“I would take your suggestion to heart, but I’m afraid it’s a selfish reason that keeps us here. The Captain’s sister is returning to Reddester within a few days. Besides, there is no call for you to avoid Capt. Wingrave,” said Peter.
“In the same breath you contradict yourself. What happened to logical Peter? Why should Capt. Wingrave come here so you can avoid Mary, and you will not do the same for him?”
“He does not wish to avoid you. The opposite, really.”
“Then why are you not on my side? I wish to avoid him,” said Emily.
“I’m hoping one of us can be happy in love.” Emily had scolded Peter to no avail. He did not relent to her suggestion. Miss Wingrave did return to Reddester, raising many eyebrows of suspicion. Not two days after that, a public assembly was held in Tripton, much to Emily’s dismay. What she feared did not come to pass though, something of greater fear took its place. Instead of Capt. Wingrave asking for every dance, he asked for none, standing up with other ladies all evening. Peter followed suit, not sparing even a glance for Mary. From across the room, Emily could tell she felt the statement he made. As the two gentlemen impressed their partners, Emily snuck over to Mary, now without Miss Morley’s company to aid her. Before Mary could dispense with pleasantries, Emily held up a hand.
“Miss Mary, for I feel we are familiar enough for such titles, I want to apologize for the manner in which I acted toward you right after Peter’s capture. Let us not trifle with the secrets of the past, what is known and unknown, for I think we are both well informed.” Emily offered Mary her arm and, blushing bright red with the forward admission Emily gave, Mary took it.
“You would still befriend me, Miss Emily? Knowing what you do?”
“I believe a woman of nine and twenty has much more sense than one of fifteen. You have learned, have you not, the value of discretion?” said Emily. Her objective in taking Mary into her confidence was achieved, curiosity piqued on the dance floor, and suddenly Capt. Wingrave and Peter did not pay as much attention to their steps.
“I have, ten times over,” said Mary.
“I have no quarrel with you then.” Mary smiled, and allowed her practiced caution to fall slightly. “Our brothers have seen to a fit punishment by ignoring us completely. What shall we do to them?”
“I cannot fault Peter. I abused him.”
“You miss the point. We shall talk of many things, and enjoy ourselves despite them,” said Emily. Mary nodded, though she did not know what to talk of. At last, she seized a tolerable subject that did not hinge on the men in their acquaintance.
“Was Dunbarrow to your liking?” she inquired.
“I cannot say I would wish to live there, but it was pleasant enough for a visit. I have not been in the greatest of spirits, so that may have affected my opinion,” said Emily.
“I am sorry, Miss Emily. I know I am at the heart of your troubles. Before you consent to my friendship, I want you to know that I came here to persuade Elijah to leave.”
“Did you also ask him to leave for the border?” Emily bit her tongue, “I’m sorry, that was impertinent.”
“I must appear to be a duplicitous person. I acknowledge that your family in particular has seen an unflattering part of me. No, I did not ask him to go to the border, merely that he check how he encouraged your affection. I didn’t know he would translate that into resuming his duties, away from everyone,” said Mary. Her sincerity could not be doubted, though Emily treated Mary’s statements with caution.
“Yet this time, you are wanting him to leave. Why is that?”
“This time he is set, and he will stay here, throw off our family. I have been working to keep us together for so many years after… I just want him to come home, before he ruins anything.”
“Why do you think his being here will bring ruin?” asked Emily. Mary sighed.
“It’s nothing against you, but I know he will tell you everything if he stays. You are persistent and principled, it will eventually break his resolve.”
“I wish I could apologize for that, but I cannot. It is enough for you and I to know we are on opposite sides.”
“Oh, no! I don’t want to be… I cannot stand that I am your opposite. Please, let us be passing friends, not enemies. Not too close, but never out of mind.”
“As you wish, Miss Mary,” said Emily. The dance concluded and the desired reaction transpired. Capt. Wingrave, for Peter would still not approach Mary, only watch from a distance, joined their conversation.
“Mary, Miss Worthing, I see you have found each other’s company quite to your liking,” said Capt. Wingrave.
“I am surprised you noticed, you merry gentlemen seemed to be having a marvelous time,” said Mary. So it was true, thought Emily, that Mary was not pleased with the Captain carrying on with Peter. The two of them had more in common than Emily realized. The both of them fiercely protected their families, had impossible feelings, and an incorrigible brother.
“If Miss Worthing would oblige me, I might continue having a marvelous time,” said Capt. Wingrave. Emily smiled at the peace offering, but had no intention of accepting.
“Do not trouble yourself, Captain, Miss Mary and I will be quite content,” she replied. Mary raised her eyebrows at the refusal, then watched her brother’s face. His irritated frown at Emily’s unconcern both unsettled and fascinated Mary, yet had no effect on the target. He stepped closer to Emily.
“May I speak with you privately?” he asked.
Emily sighed, “As you wish, Captain. Miss Mary, I shall return to finish our conversation, if you don’t mind.” He escorted her to the balcony, a rather romantic setting for the expressions they leveled at each other.
“Do you seek to punish me?” asked Capt. Wingrave without pause.
“Odd that you would ask, for I thought the same,” said Emily.
“You should decide what it is that you’re after. Which would you have me do, court you, or leave you alone? Either way, it would please me if you do not encourage Mary’s friendship if it’s not genuinely meant.”
“I have never been so insulted by one who supposedly judges me as a suitable life partner. When have I ever set out to use a person for my own malicious gain? And you have no right to demand that I choose anything. You have left me and returned more times than I can recall now. I am entirely unconcerned with pleasing you, so I will be rejoining the party, whether or not you mind,” said Emily who turned to do exactly that. He moved much faster than she guessed and blocked her way.
“Emily, please, I did not mean… I am more than protective of my sister, and it overtook me. I apologize,” said Capt. Wingrave, “But on the same hand, I also do not want you speaking to her for another reason.”
“I will accept your apology if you tell me what that is,” said Emily, crossing her arms to fend off the spring chill.
“She has come here to pry me away from you Worthings. I do not want her to rally you to the cause.”
“Wouldn’t it be better if she succeeded?” breathed Emily as she looked into his eyes and forgot about the cold altogether. Grief hung between them, engulfing the happy row of the party.
“Can you really think that? Was I the only one who shied from the horror of never seeing you again? Have I been mistaken?”
“No,” said Emily, swallowing the lump in her throat, “But seeing you, every day, it is nigh unbearable. I cannot and will not encourage you, by dancing, or giving you my favor. What I want, and what is right lie down different paths.”
“You are stronger than I,” he said, advancing and leaning in too close. Emily couldn’t move, dared not breathe for fear of crying. “Tell me to leave your side forever. I would go.”
Emily shook and the tears could not be blinked away.
“I cannot,” she said.
“Not one thing, not Mary’s objections, nor yours, matter more to me than that.” Capt. Wingrave turned away from her toward the light of the hall. She grasped the opportunity to clean her face, and allow the cold air to calm herself.
“Allow me to escort you back to my sister, when you are ready,” he said. Emily accepted his arm, though she did not speak until she and Mary were alone.
“He has said something to you,” observed the eldest Wingrave.
“He has said many things to me. It’s been an occupation of mine, discovering which to believe,” said Emily as they resumed their circuit of the room.
“Elijah does not lie, but that does not mean he is always right,” said Mary. The two ladies quite frustrated everyone by refusing to dance, instead amusing themselves with cards that someone had produced.
Later, after the Worthings arrived back at Charlton, Peter cornered his sister.
“You are a treacherous maiden,” he accused her.
“I warned you that if you continued on with Capt. Wingrave as a close friend that I would take revenge. Mary is a sweet woman, though misguided.” Emily hung her bonnet and faced him.
“The entire town of Tripton knows that I proposed to her. I will not be taken in again. Your being friends with her makes me appear foolish.”
“As does your friendship with Capt. Wingrave! I say, you are losing your mind, Peter. Do you not remember that I was abandoned and the whole town knew of it? Don’t bring societal opinion into this, it does you no credit. We can both do each other favors by not mentioning the Wingraves, don’t you agree?” He fumed, but gave in.
“Agreed.” Emily nodded in lackluster triumph.
As the horse and rider came closer, Elijah’s frightful temper peaked. He waited on the front landing for the rider to ascend the steps.
“How much nerve you must have to face me again, Annesley,” said the Captain.
“I came to offer my sincere apologies,” said Mr. Annesley, stopping in front of Capt. Wingrave.
“You may leave us, thank you,” said Elijah to the stablehands before speaking to Edward, “How could you possibly be sincere? First, you tell Emily the better part of the thing we have so carefully concealed, and then you propose to her knowing that she is the object of my happiness. We were friends once, don’t you remember? Before Jude the Ruiner? The intervening years must have taken its toll on your mind for you to think I would ever accept an apology for such actions.”
“I did not mean to tell Emily. She came across Mrs. Pratchett in Dunbarrow, found out she was a midwife, and deduced it all on her own. I suppose I can be blamed for indirectly giving her knowledge that led to this conclusion. I am sorry for that. As for the proposal, it was misguided, but a genuine attempt to salvage what I could. Miss Emily helped me to see that I did not love her, and that she could not love me as long as you are alive. I have come again to Tripton to repent, but this time for myself. I have many apologies to make, with little hope that they will all be accepted. But I also come with a warning,” said Mr. Annesley. Capt. Wingrave waited, but Mr. Annesley hesitated in giving the purported warning.
“What is it? What’s happened?”
“Jude came to Dunbarrow to ask for more money, blackmailing us much like he has Mary, but… this time I’ve had reports that his behavior is increasingly erratic, nonsensical,” Mr. Annesley let out a breath of air, “He’s formed a bit of a fascination with Emily, even muttering about her and Mary when he dared to call on me at Amberose. Standing up to him has made her a rankled obsession. Emily’s refusal to be charmed haunts him. And…” Capt. Wingrave stood back, eyes wide with fear.
“And…?”
“Once again I apologize. I should have told you what happened during Emily’s first visit to Dunbarrow. I could rationalize that I didn’t think you’d want to hear it, but in truth I was afraid of what you would do,” said Mr. Annesley.
“Spit it out man, enough of your stalling!”
“He tried to kidnap her with the help of my cousin Dinah. They got Emily all the way to the docks before I intervened, hoping to get her on a ship to Tadoros.” Edward Annesley had never before feared for his life quite like he did when Elijah Wingrave grabbed his collar and yanked him off his feet, though Elijah was several inches the shorter.
“And you rode like the Devil from Dunbarrow to tell me…?”
“He’s coming. Jude found out in town that both Emily and Mary are back in Tripton. I had a man follow him to be sure. Their magnetism is drawing him here. I don’t know when he will arrive. His course seemed to be in this direction, but it wasn’t straight,” said Mr. Annesley. Capt. Wingrave let out a curse that he wouldn’t even utter in Jonah’s presence and set Edward to rights, though his collar was permanently rumpled.
“This problem goes away when he arrives, do you understand?” said Elijah. Mr. Annesley nodded, accepting the verdict.
“I have recognized that I cannot change him, and that Jude delights in causing misery. I do not know when he came upon this pastime, but I admit that he is warped beyond repair.”
“And you will tell Mary yourself,” said Elijah, turning on his heel and marching into Reddester. They found Mary in the drawing room and startled her greatly by arguing at high volume all the way down the hall.
“That’s not possible Wingrave, not without alerting everyone at Charlton,” said Mr. Annesley.
“Then Peter, at least, must know,” said Capt. Wingrave.
“What is the meaning of this? Edward? Are you mad?” asked Mary.
“If only I were the most far gone of my family,” said Mr. Annesley as he expressed his purpose in coming to Reddester, with several offhand remarks by a pacing Elijah. Mary listened with the utmost attention.
“Oh, no. If he hurts Emily… Elijah we should leave. You have to know that he’ll target whomever we befriend,” started Mary, before Edward held up a hand.
“It’s too late, Mary. He’s crazed, fallen into the true terror of his illogical and destructive ways. It’s Emily he wants now.”
“Could we persuade Emily to visit Landhilton with us then?” said Mary.
“She would want to know why, and if she knew the reason, she wouldn’t leave,” said Elijah, more quietly than anything else. Mary gritted her teeth. She’d resolved to imitate Emily’s strength until she could muster some of her own. She would not wilt under the fear of Jude.
“You’re right. Very well, we stay here. Keep close to the Worthings, Elijah, invite Emily to dinner as often as you think will be accepted when the time draws near. I will prepare myself for the worst.” The two men nodded their agreement, acknowledging that she was the only one who should make the decision. Capt. Wingrave sent Mr. Annesley with the butler to find a suitable room.
“Sister, are you certain?” Elijah asked of her when Edward had gone.
“We have run. Now we stand, and I will accept my fate. You have been the best brother, and I can ask you no longer to go against what you deem right and true. This is the end. Promise me, though, that if Peter shuns me, you will say that I loved him above all things?”
