The next thing I knew, his lips were on my forehead. “It’s time to wake up, Star. Wake up.”

  I blinked. I wasted our precious minutes, asleep. Asleep in Daddy’s arms, but still asleep.

  “Oh, my sweet boy doesn’t know that he fell asleep.”

  I shook my head. “Is it time to go already?” I wasn’t ready to leave.

  “It is. Let’s get you back and changed.” He slid me off of his lap, stood up, and held a hand out for me.

  “I don’t wanna go.”

  “I know, Star. I know. But it’s better to leave before you’re ready than to be stuck somewhere wishing you could go home already.”

  “Why do you have to be right, Daddy?” I didn’t like it, but he had a point.

  “Trust me, I’m not always.”

  He helped me up, and we put the rest of the blocks away and went back to the changing room to get dressed.

  After saying goodbye to Ms. Lily, we snuck out the employee door and into Daddy’s car. On the way back, he got me a kid’s meal from an Italian place in town that had plain spaghetti, and then we went back to the hotel. I wanted to go to his place, but the hotel was where we needed to be. I was there “sick,” after all.

  Caelum rode up in the elevator first, to the floor above mine, walked down a flight, and then used my second key to get in. I was so sick of these games, but if the games meant he was going to be there, play them I would. I came up afterward, managing to get in without anyone recognizing me. I mean, I was sure the staff did, but they had been nothing but wonderful so far.

  I ate my spaghetti and played with the little Christmas ornament that came with it. It was nice. As nice as a tepid meal in a hotel room could be.

  When my belly was full, Daddy insisted I take a nap. Once again, I fell asleep in his arms, only this time with a blankie wrapped around us. I wanted to fall asleep like this every time. If only that were possible.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Caelum

  Just as quickly as Star came into town, he left. Filming had wrapped up, and while there was still plenty to do on the project, he was now back in Hollywood doing voice-overs, promotional interviews, and a whole bunch of odds and ends that needed to happen before the movie was ready to go. I’d never really paid attention to the movie-making process, but now that I had Star in my life, I was starting to see how very little I knew about the industry.

  I understood all the reasons why Star needed to leave. This was his job, and he was under contract. It wasn’t like he was taking a random holiday or running away. Still, it left an ache in my heart that was getting worse by the day, not better.

  Acting had been a part of Star’s life since long before I knew him. He might have had a few months off that first semester of college, but acting still had been his purpose. Back then, I thought it was what he wanted…his dream. This recent time we spent together, I learned the truth. He’d had this life laid out for him. Not something he picked. And, sure, he found his place in it, but it was never what he’d wanted.

  It made me sad, thinking of how his childhood had been stripped from him, working at such a young age. And when he wasn’t, he was being pushed to do things that would make him more employable. It was no wonder he cherished his “little” time so much.

  Yes, his career was overwhelming, and taking that time to be completely off, to have somebody else take over all of the responsibility and let him just be, had a lot of value to it. But it went beyond that to recapturing a time in his life that was stolen from him.

  We’d had so much fun playing together, and I loved taking care of him in the few little times we had managed to carve out for each other. But even when he was in my town, we didn’t see each other a lot. Now, he was halfway across the country. Our times together would be even fewer and further apart.

  At the crux of it, no matter what happened in our relationship, we were never going to have a traditional, full-time life. That wasn’t in the cards for us.

  My job was pretty consistent. My office hours were printed on the door. Any emergency calls went to the 800 number on their policies, not to me. It was boring in every single way—the polar opposite of Star’s. While I didn’t understand all that his job entailed, I was willing to learn.

  I worried about him now that he was back in Hollywood. Was he getting enough sleep? Enough to eat? Was he taking the time that he needed to just be? At least he had Davis. Davis took good care of him. It wasn’t the care of a daddy, but it sure was a thousand times better than any care his father had given him when he entered this career.

  There were times when Davis would be the one to call me, or I’d phone him to check on things, not wanting to interrupt Star during his workday. I loved how easily Davis adjusted to me being part of Star’s life. Without him in our corner, this could’ve, no would’ve been so much harder.

  Star had only left a couple of days ago, but the void in my heart grew by the minute. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face during that final goodbye. We both tried to pretend it wasn’t a big deal, that we’d figure it out, and I was sure that we would. We weren’t college kids anymore. He had more control over his job than back then. His father wasn’t micromanaging every second of his day. He’d like to, but that was a different story. And his agent was far less pushy now that the money was rolling in for him. That could’ve gone either way.

  What I needed was some guy talk, someone to vent to and ask some advice from. I had daddy friends. Some really good ones, too. But I also needed to be talking to someone who could know about Star being little, and that lowered the number of daddy friends who I could turn to, to zero.

  That’s how I found myself in Ms. Lily’s office.

  “Ms. Lily, I need some advice. But I need some advice about Star, and I can’t ask my guy friends because it would be giving away information that isn’t mine to share.”

  When I called and asked her if I could come in about something personal, it was an immediate yes from her.

  “I see,” she said, leaning back in her chair. “I don’t know how much I can help you. I’m not much for guy talk, not being a guy, but I’ve got a half hour and I’m a good listener.”

  “Star’s left,” I said. “He had to go back for work. The last time he left, we started off strong, and then it got less and less.” I went on to tell her the entire story about his father, about how intensely his career took off, and how we went from being each other’s everything to being nothing but a memory, and how I wanted to avoid having that happen again. “So, any advice you could give, I’d really appreciate it.”

  “First of all, the fact that you came to me because you wanted to protect your adorable little’s privacy means so much more than you realize.”

  “Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say to that.

  “I know you’re looking for some magical answer on how to make all this work, and I don’t have that. I don’t think anybody does. But what I do know is that you two have been through this before. You saw your pitfalls, and you talked about them already. That means a lot. It means you have a much better chance this time of making it through.”

  “A better chance, but not…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence.

  “There are no guarantees in life,” she continued. “My best advice for you is for you to both keep your lines of communication open and be ready to adjust. It’s going to be rough, but you’ll figure it out if it’s meant to be.”

  “And if it’s not…

  “I think we both know it is.” She winked.

  That last small bit of encouragement was exactly what I needed to hear. She was right. I did know we were meant to be, and my job now was to make sure we kept our communication open. I was going to be available for him on his timetable, because at least in this season of our lives, I was the one with the flexibility. That might not always be the case, but for now, I was going to work with what we had.

  We’d need to figure out what our long-term answers were, but for now, this was enough. It had to be. It was all that we had.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Star

  Being back home was usually my favorite thing. It meant I had my own bed, my own stuffie, and my own cactus. I knew my way around, the best ways to avoid the local paparazzi, and didn’t have to worry about random housekeepers coming in at the most inopportune times as inevitably happened in hotels.

  This time was different, though. This time, it didn’t feel like home. Maybe it never did. Only now, I knew what home felt like. It felt like being wrapped in Caelum’s arms, and he was hundreds of miles away, doing his insurance work, hanging out with his friends, and living his everyday life…without me.

  We still talked often, although there were days when he talked to Davis more than me. How sad was it that I got jealous of my assistant? But I did.

  And the part that bugged me the most was that the majority of what I was doing was voice-over work, and that could be done at any studio. And obviously, studio space cost money. In this case, it was money I’d have gladly given up to be able to spend the nights wrapped in Daddy’s arms. If only that were an option.

  I couldn’t exactly ask for what I wanted, though, even if it was as easy as renting a studio. I’d never hid my sexuality from the fans or the people I worked with—that wasn’t who I was. But not hiding my sexuality was a different reality from throwing Daddy into the deep end, where he’d suddenly lose all privacy. I wasn’t willing to do that. I could only imagine the number of calls his office would get from people wanting to get close to him for a glimpse of me. That sounded like I had some sort of complex or bloated sense of my worth, but it was just the reality of my job and I hated it.

  I came home from work later than I wanted to, with two bags of whatever we got left from the deli on the corner. The first time I saw the bags in the cooler with the writing whatever we got left on them, I was so confused. But then I learned that at the end of the day, about an hour before closing, they just bagged up salads, packing them together with sandwiches and random foods they didn’t keep overnight. People would buy them for a discount rate and you got what you got and you didn’t throw a fit. The fit part was clearly stated on a bright-orange sticker placed on each bag.

  I’d been scared the first time I picked one up. There were so many things that could’ve been gross in it. Not actually gross, the place was great, but I tended to be picky with my food, especially salads. But now that I’d bought them semi-regularly, I thought of each one as an adventure. On days I wanted to be less adventurous, I’d buy a couple. That way, there was bound to be something I liked.

  My phone rang before I even set my keys down. When I pulled it out of my pocket and saw who it was, the world felt right again. I accepted the video call to see Caelum’s smiling face.

  “Hey, sweet boy. You just getting home?”

  It was so great to hear his voice.

  “How’d you know, Daddy?”

  “You still have your jacket on.”

  “Oh, hold on.” I set the phone up on the table so that I was still in view and took off my jacket. “It was a long day, but I got to the deli in time for the whatever we got left bags.”

  “Ooh, are you going to do an unboxing for me?”

  I rolled my eyes, not because he was asking what was in the bags—I’d gladly share that with him—but because he was referencing the over-the-top number of PR boxes people kept trying to send me, or sometimes sent without asking first.

  When it first started, I told Davis it was a perk of his job to keep all of them. He got boxes of candy, foods from around the world, books, colognes, and health-and-beauty products. The list went on and on. I wasn’t sure what he did with them all. Maybe kept them or gave them away to family and friends or possibly sold them. It didn’t matter, as long as I wasn’t the one who had to deal with them.

  One thing was absolute. I wasn’t going to be doing unboxing videos for companies, especially not ones I either declined or was never asked about. At first, I felt like a dick about it, but my time was limited, and I wasn’t a content creator, nor did I want to be one.

  “I’m going to open this for you because I bet it’ll make you so jealous, you’ll fly out here.” Neither would happen. If Daddy wanted decent deli food, he’d have already picked it up, and flying out here on a whim wasn’t exactly in either his tax bracket or his schedule.

  “Don’t tempt me, sweet boy, because I would.”

  I believed that he wanted to be here. And if I thought I’d be able to spend any amount of time with him, I’d ask him to. But this was the busiest time of year for his job being open season. It was best for us to just do what we were doing, at least for now.

  I had a lot of ideas going through my head on how to make this work between us, one of them including switching the kind of opportunities I said yes to. Until I had a firmer notion, I didn’t want to discuss it too much. I didn’t want to get either of our hopes up in case nothing came of them.

  “Let’s look in this first bag.” I pulled out a sandwich. “Cheddar and turkey with cranberry sauce and stuffing. I don’t know if this is a really good sandwich or a horrible one,” I admitted.

  “Depends. Does it come with dipping gravy?”

  I dug in the bag, and, sure enough, it did. “How’d you know?”

  “Because if it’s got gravy to dip in, it is the best sandwich ever. If not, it’s disgusting. Throw it away.”

  “Best sandwich ever, it is.” I wasn’t so sure it would be for me but, with Daddy’s endorsement, I was willing to give it a try.

  “Anything else in there?”

  “A pickle the size of my arm.” I held it up. It wasn’t quite that big, but the thing was fat. And now that I was waving it around, it was looking way too phallic. I set it down. “And there are two cookies in this one. Let’s check the other.”

  The next one had a cup of soup, some macaroni salad, and a Caesar chicken wrap. “I don’t know if it’ll still be good in the morning, but Caesar chicken wraps are one of Davis’ favorites. I’ll try the turkey for dinner tonight.”

  “Do you need me to go, sweet boy?”

  “No. But I’ll understand if you don’t want to watch me eat.” I’d have offered to wait until later, but that would only have him rushing off the phone. I was surprised he hadn’t already reminded me that eating so late wasn’t the best idea.

  “I just want to spend time with you, and if that means watching you eat, then that’s exactly what I want to be doing.”

  “You’re so patient, Daddy.”

  “That’s because I have you back in my life. And as long as I have you, the rest of all this…we can figure it out and make it work.”

  “Do you really think so, Daddy?” I wanted to believe it so badly.

  “I know so, my sweet boy. I know so.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Caelum

  Christmas Eve. A day to spend with family, to enjoy the magic of the holiday season, and a time to eat all the sugary treats.

  More than anything, I wanted to spend it with Star. We’d talked about him coming here, but sadly, his agent had lined him up for some Christmas parade festival. I didn’t fully pay attention past, “I won’t be able to make it.”

  As his daddy, it was my responsibility to keep track of all of it, to listen to his words as he spoke, and I’d been not listening to my boy’s words, allowing my disappointment to distract me. That only made me feel worse about the entire situation. Star deserved better, and I promised myself I would learn how to control my disappointment enough to hear his words when situations like this arose.

  And they would arise again. His career wasn’t like mine. He wasn’t ever going to have set office hours, scheduled weekly days off, and the ability to plan far into the future. That simply wasn’t how his field worked.

  The odds of us living together full-time were slim. My work was here, and his? Everywhere. Could I try to rebuild a business near his homebase? Of course I could. But that’s all his place was, a home base. He spent months away and that wouldn’t change if I moved there. He could move here, but he’d still be gone a lot, much of his work based in Hollywood. We’d figure it out. I wasn’t sure how, but I was confident we would. Eventually.

  I tried to remember that this was new for both of us and there was a learning curve. We both had to adjust to his schedule and how it did or didn’t mesh with mine. This wasn’t going to be the last holiday we wouldn’t be able to spend together.

  We’d considered me flying to him, but that added a whole level of complication we weren’t ready for on short notice. Especially not with Davis being on vacation, visiting his hometown. We both had to accept this was what it was and that we’d be able to have our own “Christmas” another time.

  There was a big party at Chained tonight, and I didn’t really want to go.

  Looking around my house, all decorated for Christmas, the cookies I’d frosted piled on a platter, stockings hung by the chimney, the whole nine yards, I didn’t want to be here either. He’d never promised to come home for Christmas, but that had been the dream. Now that my dream wasn’t possible, maybe it was best for me to go hang out with everyone. Spending Christmas Eve alone would only result in me hosting a pity party for one.

  I went into my room and threw on some jeans and a button-down, leaving the pajamas I’d just taken off laid out on the bed for when I returned. I wasn’t a complete Grinch. I still was going to love the holiday. I could facetime Star, and we could sing carols, watch Buddy the Elf “together,” and maybe have a little phone sex. Normal Christmas fun.

  A few minutes later, I drove to the club. I hadn’t checked in with anyone to see who might be there. But regardless of if any of my friends were, there would be someone to talk to. Chained was great that way. You could go solo, but that never meant that you would be alone.

  It was oddly busy for a holiday, the parking lot nearly full. When I finally checked in and went inside, it was like Christmas had thrown up. I thought it had been over-the-top when we rented out the little room, and it had been. But this reached an entirely new level.

 

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