Copyright © Gabi Abrão

  First edition

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles, reviews, or academic projects.

  For information, contact books@notacult.media.

  ISBN: 978-1-945649-83-7

  Edited by Rhiannon McGavin

  Proofread by Charlotte Renner

  Cover Design by Shaun Roberts

  Not a Cult

  Los Angeles, CA

  CHAPTERS

  1. Romance is a Medium and a Kiss is a Portal

  2. How to Heal Heartbreak

  3. Time is Not Linear and Love Never Leaves Us

  4. Ether Body

  5. Home

  6. Earth Body

  7. Exercises in Shapeshifting

  This is Why Sharing a Joint and a

  Bottle of Wine in a Parking Lot With You

  Felt Better Than Five Courses on the

  Rooftop of That Famous Hotel

  I often question if the quest for pleasure

  and romance in life is a direct influence of

  excess-driven, stimulation-starved, consumerist

  constructs. But it isn’t at all. It’s the only

  humanity we have - our lust and life force

  at its simplest forms and manifestations. It makes

  the world spin and yet we keep attempting to dilute

  the message, only allowing the occasional artist

  to remind us who we are.

  When I think of pleasure and romance, I do not

  think of skyscraper penthouses and seafood towers

  and first-class leg room. I think of being naked in the

  sunshine on a cotton towel near a stream, then

  being fucked in that stream, laughing while I take my

  post-penetration pee. I think of giggling where there

  ought not to be giggling, I think of indulgence - the

  type of indulgence that challenges your emotions,

  not your bank account.

  As a culture, I believe we need to fight to remember

  these pleasures and the simplicity of their source.

  The consumerist format gives us multiple tangible

  vessels and systems to play pretend with this inner

  call for indulgence, this pursuit of pleasure -

  to gamble, to set the scene - and yet, it is only just a

  tangible simulation that points at it, but never

  satiates it. A giant machine desperately trying to

  simulate a heart beat, and yet the heart itself

  prevails, unaware of the chaos it has caused by being

  misinterpreted. A soul’s desire for indulgence is

  based in energy and feeling. It travels beyond any

  room, any structure, any purchase. The ego

  encounters this enticing sensation and proceeds to

  create a room anyway - only to hunt for itself again,

  within it.

  don’t kiss someone unless you’re dying to do so

  Sometimes You Have to Ditch School

  and Observe the Rituals of Creek Newts

  Tatiana and I used to stash cargo pants and last

  season’s worn out sneakers in our lockers for the

  many days that we chose to escape the routine noise

  of high school to be naked in the afternoon sun.

  Our school was located in the Pacific Palisades,

  minutes away from both the ocean and a mountain

  trail. To spend hours in fluorescent lit rooms

  with barred windows in such a landscape felt like

  a scam.

  On the days where we truly couldn’t shake this blatant

  sense of betrayal, we’d slip past the security guard,

  walk along the chain-link fence toward Temescal

  Canyon Park, then hike past the waterfall into

  the creek beyond it, stripping off all of our clothes.

  We’d find a smooth rock in the sunshine to take our

  backs, our eternal goal being an even, unending tan

  across our skin - a premature offering to the boys we

  dreamt of one day sharing our nudity with. In spring,

  past the bridge and that waterfall, it was just us and

  the newts.

  A strange incident surfaced as we observed these

  animals - the newts began to crowd their bodies

  together into tight, unified, spherical forms and roll

  down the creek. Solo newts swam from all directions

  to attach themselves to the nearest blob like sticky

  magnets. This continued all afternoon. I have a vivid

  memory of these vibrant balls of newts tussling

  through the water below our naked, young bodies -

  everyone’s flesh sparkling. We had never seen

  anything like it. An intentioned, absurd mystery that

  only nature can produce.

  I would google information about newts months later,

  only to find that these amorphous forms we witnessed

  were actually orgies, as their mating practice entails

  multiple males taking turns penetrating a single

  female. It comes as no surprise that the portal of sex,

  the portal of birth, was placed at the center of this

  passionate, animal phenomenon as well as this

  rebellious teenage ritual - the reason for this fleshy

  planet, the reason for everything.

  I Am Allergic To Mosquitos and Your House is Full of Them

  you text me a blurry photo

  of a humongous dead boar in the bed of your truck

  It is only your second day hunting and you do that

  You tell me how you prayed before during and after,

  you tell me how you’re sharing the meat with the whole town

  and you can’t wait to make me tacos,

  you say something about being primal

  I moved here to write poetry and follow Twitter drama

  tan here and there

  Do everything I was doing in the city,

  with a twist,

  but two months in I fall for a man

  who kills a giant boar on his second try

  and has no feeling in his feet.

  Who has a water tank on his roof

  and a shower that is heated by the sun

  When my landlord offered me a one year lease,

  I negotiated down to 9 months

  “like a pregnancy term” I said

  The only primal part of me is that I love to fantasize

  about getting impregnated during sex

  even though I am on birth control.

  And I love to pee outside,

  like it is my territory.

  I came here to wear gold earrings and swimsuits

  but I am allergic to mosquitoes

  and your house is full of them.

  i serpent all over you, my heaven, my love. You hold

  my melting face.

  Yes I Miss You,

  and I know you’d argue

  the idea of you, the illusion of you,

  the whole trick -

  as if there always has to be one.

  But I’ve gone

  through the best of it

  and the worst of it

  I’ve applied both pressure

  and distance

  I’ve checked for truth

  at every new hour

  Lead search parties

  town meetings

  filled journals

  and yet here I remain

  stuck on the idea of you, the illusion of you,

  the whole trick -

  and I don’t even have that.

  Dumped

  I’m slowly killing

  the part of me

  that is waiting

  for stones to hit my windowpane

  for flowers to grace my doorstep

  for sixty calls to light up my screen

  a new crush enters like an angel

  Romance is a Medium

  and a Kiss is a Portal

  All acts of seduction and attraction are

  a practice in understanding the invisible.

  Everything in life is a medium. These mediums

  feed into one another, exposing the design of it

  all - a shared energy presenting a different face,

  different decoration. To develop a crush is to

  experience the power of your imagination, your

  will, it is to show us that when narrative and

  invisible force come together and point at a

  target, the body follows. To flirt with a lover is a

  practice in seducing your dreams. To witness

  the grand, shared life created in a relationship,

  only to witness its tragic end, is a practice in

  accepting death.

  I wake up alone and I

  mix the arugula and the spinach and the apples alone

  And strands of hair split my face into sections

  alone

  And I wonder when to wash my sheets and my pillow cases

  and my towels , alone And I consider the future

  alone ,

  and I worry about if I brush my teeth well enough, alone

  And I light the candles and fe el 20% holier now

  alone

  I continue existing with the knowledge

  that love dies like the power goes out

  I Took Over Five Grams of Shrooms to Get Over My

  Soulmate but Then I Didn’t Think of Him Once

  Committed to a large amount, awaiting a death

  of sorts, awaiting a pain, a pang, a slap in the face.

  We built a fire that turned into more of a smoke signal.

  It burdened us all, but from it, we worked together

  with water to put it out - passing water through

  windows. Giggling, snickering. Feeling like creatures

  in a treehouse.

  I collapse into the tiny carpeted stairs of the camper

  and laugh about how I literally don’t care, for any of it,

  all of it, in the most beautiful way. “I just don’t care,”

  she says, hands up, laughing. In this dark blue

  flannel coat and brand new beige Timberlands. I just

  don’t care. I marvel at the simple concept of doing.

  I say to myself - “I came here… to the woods to hang

  out with…friends, and I’m in an outfit, and…,” I laugh

  and laugh. Wet eyes. A word remains on the tip of my

  tongue, and I never access it. It feels like barbie dolls,

  like the way the letter “F” sounds in the word “funny”

  or “wife.” Focusing on such specific nothingness feels

  as honest as focusing on the somethings

  which are just as nothing, just as obsessive,

  the same circle.

  My present mind only knows pleasure. My present

  mind believes humans are geniuses, over and over,

  as I’m surrounded by all of these inventions -

  the kettle, the heater, the computer. “Geniuses,”

  I keep saying. And I’m almost angry, because

  in some ways I know I’m not supposed to feel that way,

  but I feel it. I want to scream it. We are all geniuses.

  We peel tangerines, we burn the peels in the candles

  we lit at sunrise. Textures, new smells, a crinkling

  motion. And oh, how the tarot cards came to life then!

  The ocean, a real ocean on this tarot card. Moving,

  singing. Unbelievable. In our hands.

  We see 3:33 on the microwave, bright green, digital,

  and the universe giggles and shakes along with us.

  The kitchen is a dollhouse kitchen, the wood grain

  dancing. I watch my favorite scene in Endless Poetry, a

  scene in the middle of the film with the puppets saying goodbye, their ceramic hands caressing

  one another. Everyone understands its beauty,

  laying around the compartment-like living room

  of the camper. Slumped, squishy bodies across pillows

  with smiles. We watch the pet snake drink water.

  Alluring thing, taking its time. “He never comes out for

  this long” - she says. “He knows” - we all say.

  There are four of us. We’re entertained by laser

  pointers, condensation passing through mugs,

  warmth, the moment itself. My hands are large, soft.

  The trees dance for us of course. They dance so much,

  too much. Radiant beings. The joy of connection.

  The magic of living, of observing.

  A vastness that extends beyond any betrayal.

  I took over five grams of shrooms to get over

  a past lover, but then I didn’t think of him once.

  HOW TO HEAL HEARTBREAK

  The guide below was written after the sudden close

  of a lengthy relationship with a perceived soulmate.

  It was during that stretch following a fresh loss

  that feels like pure survival. Bent on healing,

  I observed my reactions and habits to build an

  emotional map. This emotional map is as follows:

  STEP 1. DECIDE TO HEAL

  Often, attaching to the situation and continuing

  to identify with the person is a way of keeping them

  alive in your heart. We’d rather be tortured

  and remain obsessed over a past relationship than

  move on. Having them in our lives as an enemy feels

  better than not at all. Make the choice.

  STEP 2. BE PHYSICALLY PREPARED

  Have plenty of water by your bed for when you

  wake up, don’t go too long without eating,

  shower daily or more - prioritize maintenance.

  When your mood is lower than usual, every bit

  counts. A slight dehydration can make a sad morning

  into a devastating one. A missed meal can turn

  a temporary hiccup into a tantrum. Furthermore,

  your immune system gets depleted when you’re that

  sad. Be prepared for possible colds and flare-ups,

  and know that it’s just a pesky result of your

  passing pain being felt by your body.

  STEP 3. CRYING

  You will want to cry a lot of the time, and you may

  surprise yourself with how often, and in what

  moments, the urge arrives. Let it happen, and hold

  no shame for this cleansing process. Crying reduces

  stress hormones and can often serve as a portal

  to a new feeling. The flood will stop sooner than

  you think.

  STEP 4. DREAMS

  You will dream about your ex significantly following

  the break-up. Be prepared for this. The dreams will

  vary from sweet and healing to downright evil

  and day-ruining. Remember that your ex’s image

  in your dreams is serving as a placeholder in your

  subconscious for complex feelings and questions.

  These dreams are not insights or truths

  on the situation, as they’re being formed by your

  perception alone - your wounded perception that

  you can’t truly trust right now. If you wake up from

  an ex dream, dismiss it immediately. Do not search

  for prophecies or truths. Dwelling on a dream and

  its hidden meanings, especially in the early stages

  where nothing makes sense, will ruin your morning

  and send you down ungrounded spirals.

  STEP 5. WHEN EMOTIONS GET BIG, DON’T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS

  Some days, you’ll wake up full of rage and think

  you know exactly what to say. Your whole body

  will reach for your phone to produce the truth-

  telling paragraph text of a lifetime. Pause, drink

  water, have your breakfast. Type these urges into a

  word document instead of a message. If it’s the right

  thing to do, your words will still sound succinct after

  a few hours - or better yet, days - have passed. If it

  isn’t, it’ll sound like a jumble of misdirected

  reactivity and make you cringe. When emotions get

  large and induce affirmative action, take your time

  with the actions.

  STEP 6. MANAGE DIGITAL ILLUSIONS

  Don’t hesitate to mute or block your ex -

  and even their friends - on social media if you

  have to. Social media is already an illusion that

  induces flawed perception, insecurities around self-

  image and status, and incomplete storytelling that

  pushes us to fill in the blanks. This factor

  plus heartbreak is a chaotic, useless mix. You are not

  missing anything.

  STEP 7. DO NOT IDENTIFY EVERY LOW EMOTION WITH THE HEARTBREAK

  When you’re heartbroken, every low point or bad

  mood is immediately attested to the heartbreak.

  It becomes the perpetrator of every hint of

  misfortune or sadness that enters your life.

  Although this will be true every once in a while,

 

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