Drown me with dreams, p.20
Drown Me with Dreams, page 20
“Why?”
“I think Thannen was a spy and your mom’s new guard is as well.” Thannen was small, timid, and easy to manipulate. Not desirable qualities for a Royal guard—but exactly the kind of person Anarin Arkin would recruit to do her bidding.
Anarin has been instrumental in the Enforcer uprising against Hayes. On the ship, right before Thannen died, he couldn’t speak. He just tapped his heart. I thought he was being sentimental, but I realize now he was tapping the pin fastened to his chest—he was trying to tell me who killed him.
Gears turn in Hayes’s mind as he follows my line of thinking. “You want me to feed false information to her new guard to confirm he’s a spy. And you don’t want to confront him because he might be useful in the future.”
I grin. “I see strategy training with Jeune is going well.”
He laughs. “Or maybe I’m more cunning than you think I am.” As soon as he says it, his smile fades and the rancid-wine taste of guilt is back. His expression wavers, and for a tick, I think he’s going to confess what’s weighing on his conscience. Instead, the moment passes and his face clears. “I’ll talk to my mom tomorrow. If and when he feeds information to Anarin, I’ll let you know.”
He’s still hiding something. “Anything else you want to talk about?”
Pause. Then he shakes his head. “No.”
I really wish he wasn’t lying.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
UNMARKED GRAVES
Carrik and I travel on horseback. The farther we go, the denser the trees become and the more the knots in my belly tighten with unease. This was my idea, but I grow more reluctant and petrified with each stride.
At some point, the trees become so tightly packed, we have to tie up the horses and continue on foot. The roots are massive. Clustered together in thick gray knots, some ankle-height, some high enough we have to crawl over them.
The tree branches are also growing thicker and harder to see through, until they’re so dense I can’t even see Carrik up ahead, just the occasional flash of pale yellow—his shirt. The rest of him has been swallowed by gnarled branches.
We’ve been trekking on foot for around twenty minutes when I push a heavy branch aside and find my nose shoved into Carrik’s back. He’s stopped moving.
I back up half a pace. “What’s wrong?”
“We’re here.”
My heart stutters.
There’s a curtain of leaves ahead of him. Carrik raises a hand to push them aside but stops. “We don’t have to do this. If it’s too much, tell me and we’ll go back,” he says softly.
My nails dig into my palms. “I’m sure.”
It’s a complete lie—not even a half-truth—but he peels aside the last layer of leaves anyway.
My stomach plunges to the forest floor.
We stand at the top of a cliff. The drop-off isn’t steep, and yet my feet are rooted in place.
The base of the cliff is an endless expanse of black. Charred remnants of what used to be.
The dense trees weren’t here by accident, but by design. A shield meant to guard this graveyard from the rest of the world.
Szeiryna. What used to be Szeiryna, anyway.
I was reluctant to come here. Reluctant to see all that’s left of what should have been my home. But proving myself to Reyshka means giving up the fight against myself. Recognizing the parts of me that I lost. The aspects of my life that were stolen and burned.
I think Carrik says something, but my mind crackles, too loud to hear him, and my feet act of their own accord. They stumble down the cliffside until I’m standing at the edge of the wreckage.
I stop here.
Soft wind blows ash through the air like gray fog.
There are no sirens in Alkara.
Lex told me that when I arrived and it hurt. But it never felt real.
Standing here, seeing the blackness of a kinship I’ll never know, shatters me.
I’m close to falling over and my throat is clogged and I can’t speak, but Carrik knows without me having to say a word, what I need. His arms encircle my waist. He doesn’t say anything, just holds me.
I knew they were gone in Keirdre. Knew they were gone in Alkara. Knew Larster burned their home—my home—to the ground and cast it aside without a second thought.
It’s in front of me now. Inescapably real. Seeing it, I can almost picture what my life could’ve been. Surrounded by creatures who see me and know me and love me and struggle with their instincts like me.
I love my family more than anything, but what I want—what I’ve always wanted—is another monster like me.
There are no signs of life in this wreckage. The only monster left standing is me.
The pain starts in my chest. Works its way to my back. Up my spine. Through my clogged throat. I’m drowning in hopelessness and grief and anguish, leaving me submerged in the waves of all the feelings I tried to suppress.
I’m crying.
When the tears started, I have no idea. I’m standing in a field of ash that used to be the only creatures in the world who might understand me, and the tears won’t stop flowing.
My mind flashes to that coin Hayes wears around his neck. The one he and Felix found in his father’s office. It was a coin Larster kept from Szeiryna—a trophy.
It feels even more twisted now. Somehow, Larster saw all this and decided he wanted a permanent reminder of what he destroyed.
Carrik’s arms tighten. He turns me around in his hold. “I’m sorry.”
Carrik broke my trust and my heart. He lied to me, manipulated me, and used my sister against me. Right now, it feels foolish to be angry with him. Spektryl and I have always had the same enemy: the monster who set fire to an entire species and left me here, all alone.
Spektryl’s anger scared me, not because it was foreign but because it was all too familiar. He and I are born of the same loss, the same rage.
The scream that’s been building up inside me—since we reached Szeiryna, since I sang for the first time and realized what I am, since I dragged my first mark underwater and resurfaced to my father’s disappointment—bursts out. A scream of heartbreak, pain, and overwhelming loneliness.
The sky darkens with my release. The ache inside me is a knot, wound so tight it hurts. It wants out. My screech gains volume. The tightness coils further, squeezing more painfully, until the scream reaches its crest. The knot releases and it’s pouring rain. In a few ticks, we’re drenched in the downpour, and still, all Carrik does is hold me.
Lightning flashes and I pull my face from his chest. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I like the rain.” He doesn’t flinch as water lashes his face. “Saoirse, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. You’re not alone. You have me. Always will.”
The water around us is cold but my chest burns. “It’s not the same.”
“I know. But my parents were buried in unmarked graves too. It makes me so angry, I want to scream with you.”
Thunder rumbles in the distance. “Why don’t you?”
“I don’t like to show you my anger. I don’t want you to hate me anymore.”
I don’t hate you.
But I don’t say it.
I reach for Carrik’s hand and give it a squeeze. “Scream with me. I’ll hate you again tomorrow.”
He hesitates only for a moment before opening his mouth and screaming. He’s not a siren, so it’s not the same powerful shrill, but there’s pain in his cry. Raw, searing pain that makes my tears flow faster. I scream with him. It feels good to unleash my anger, my loneliness, my heartbreak.
I don’t know how long we stand in the remains of Szeiryna, screaming our grief. It’s not enough to make me feel better, but for the first time in a really long while, I feel understood.
This—the endless expanse of destruction—is what Larster wanted. What the Enforcers are fighting for.
And, I realize with a jolt that makes my stomach drop, if Hayes doesn’t get the Enforcers in line, it’s exactly where Keirdre is headed again.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
BURST OF BLUE, BEAD OF RED
Jarek slams Rienna onto her back. She groans, but she looks more like she’s annoyed than in pain. She’d been doing well in the tournament. Up until this point, she’d won all her matches. The moment Jarek stepped up, she knew—like we all did—she was going to lose.
Odds are, everyone he fights after Rienna will lose. Until he faces me, of course.
Two days ago, I was anxious. Not anymore. Not since I saw Szeiryna’s remains. There’s a lot about my history I don’t know—a lot I’ll never know. Still, one thing I’m certain of: I’m stronger than Jarek. Stronger and angrier and I have more to lose.
I have Rain and my parents and my aunties. Keirdre has already taken more from me than they had any right to—I won’t let them take my family’s chance at a future too. I won’t let their home be reduced to ash.
Losing to Jarek again isn’t an option.
Jarek makes quick work of his next few opponents, including Odion. With a few deft moves, Jarek knocks the blade from his hand and pins Odion to the damp ground.
Reyshka nods her approval, looking bored. “Excellent, Jarek. Odion, you’re dismissed.”
I don an expression of false condolences as Odion makes his way to me, his shoulders slumped. Perfect. The best time to get Odion to spill information is when he feels inept.
“Sorry.” I pat his shoulder comfortingly.
He looked dejected just seconds ago, but my presence soothes him. “It’s fine. I’ll do better next time.”
I nod placatingly. “Can I ask you something?”
He perks, glad to be of use. “Anything.”
“Reyshka mentioned someone named Ezenniel to me the other day. I don’t know anyone here by that name.”
As always, he’s excited by the prospect of making himself useful to me. “We’ve all heard of him, never met him. He’s before our time—more of a legend than a person. He was given an assignment years ago. Apparently, before he left, he was Reyshka’s favorite. Like Jarek.”
Interesting.
“Siren!” Reyshka barks. “You’re next.”
No time to think about Ezenniel or shove my thoughts into order. First, I have to beat Jarek and earn this next assignment.
Armed with a blade, I stand before Jarek, ready.
He smirks. “I’ve been looking forward to having you beneath me again, siren.”
There’s no warning. One moment, Jarek is still and composed, the next, he’s swinging his blade at me.
Mentally, I track its trajectory. I envision where the blade will end its arc and, more important, where my opponent’s hand will be when he finishes the swing.
I duck the blade and throw up my hand, coiling my fist around Jarek’s wrist and squeezing tight.
He wrenches out of my grasp. He draws up his blade swiftly, meaning to take advantage of my disorientation, but my focus holds and I evade the swipe.
It rained last night and the air is thick with humidity. There was a time this would be a hindrance, but now, I use it. After weeks of training with Carrik—of using the water, rather than letting it control me—I don’t fight it. The water sings to me and I let it. I don’t have to use it to kill. I only have to use it to beat him.
I seize water from the air and pull. It forms a long, thin tendril. Winds itself around Jarek’s hand gripping the blade.
The water loves to do my bidding, and right now, I need to win.
Today, losing isn’t an option. Reyshka will decide who is sent on the next assignment, and above all, I need to ensure that the soldier she picks is me.
Jarek swings the blade, but the water grips him, freezing him in place.
His eyes narrow. I feel a tug in the back of my mind as he struggles to force the water to release him.
I smirk.
In terms of brute strength, Jarek has me beat, but the water is mine.
Jarek’s hand gripping the blade is stuck. I swoop forward, slicing his legs. He jumps over my blade. Draws up his hand to snag the wrist connected to my sword—he means to disarm me.
More water flows with my will. Slams against his face. It courses into his mouth and nose, choking him.
He makes a strangled noise. I don’t pause. Swing up my blade, pausing it to rest at his neck. I don’t dig it in. The sharp end grazes the skin at the side of his throat and a tiny bead of red appears.
I know the moment he feels it and knows he’s lost when I taste the sharp citrus of his shock.
Jarek stills.
A slow clap from behind. “Nice job, siren.”
I release my hold on the water.
Jarek doubles over, drawing in deep, shuddering breaths, still tasting shocked that he lost. I turn to Reyshka. There’s a gleam in her olive eyes. “Clearly, you’ve been practicing.”
“Every day,” I say.
I feel the familiar weight of jealous stares on me. I revel in the taste of their envy on my tongue and the way it feels wrapped around me like a scarf.
Lune above, I’ve missed this.
Reyshka raises her voice to address the other soldiers. “Everyone take note of Saoirse’s technique. Every move has multiple purposes. A strong fighter can overpower. A smart one can outmaneuver.” She inclines her head to me in a gesture of respect. “A skilled fighter can do both.”
Everyone’s staring at me, including Reyshka. It’s the first time she’s called me anything other than “siren” or “girl” since my arrival.
For all my achievements, I’m not used to receiving praise from superiors. Flynn was never one for compliments, no matter how hard I worked to earn them. Even though I was always first in my year, his praise was sparse. He made us work for his approval but rarely gave it out. And when he did, it was reserved for the soldiers who weren’t ikatus like me.
Reyshka has a different approach. Get us to work hard for her approval and, once earned, dole it out accordingly. Nothing extravagant, but just enough that I feel the rush of her praise. Even though I know it’s all a mind game, it works. She’s successfully gotten me to crave her approval. Not just because I need an assignment—but because I want her to tell me I’ve earned it.
“Thank you,” I say with a tight smile.
The rest of the day passes easily. I defeat the few remaining soldiers and am declared the victor of today’s tournament.
I’m still floating with the weightlessness of victory when Reyshka announces the end of training for the day.
As I make to leave, Rienna’s shoulder brushes—scratch that, shoves—against mine. It’s too rough and lacking in apology to be anything but intentional.
Looks like she’s back to resenting me for besting her. Unlike in the Barracks, her jealousy isn’t accompanied by mocking nicknames. I’ve shed the title of ikatus, and she can no longer pretend to think I’m weak.
Her envy tastes like curdled milk. It should disgust me but it doesn’t. I’ve earned it.
Reyshka steps in front of Rienna, glancing between the two of us. “Both of you.” She jerks her head toward the house. “Come with me.” She turns and marches inside.
Rienna shoots me a wide-eyed, panicked look. I keep my expression impassive. I have nothing to worry about. Reyshka’s going to do as she’s told and give me the next assignment.
Still, my tongue flicks the space behind my false tooth as we follow Reyshka up the stairs. She presses a hand to the isi wood office door and opens it.
Rienna and I stand rigidly in the middle of the room as Reyshka goes to stand behind her desk. “Both of you, please, sit.”
I’ve never heard her say “please” before.
Hesitantly, Rienna and I take the seats across from her desk.
“You both have excelled recently,” says Reyshka. “Sorkova, you’ve steadily improved since you arrived. And you won the sparring tournament today. Kasselton, it seems the siren’s presence has encouraged you to improve as well. You two push each other to be better.”
I hold in a scoff. Rienna has never pushed me to do anything but trip after she’s shoved me in the back.
Reyshka is right about one thing: my presence infuriates Rienna to try harder to best me.
“You’ve both risen far in a short amount of time,” Reyshka continues. “I’ve decided to give you an assignment. Together.”
I taste Rienna’s fury and feel it myself. I intend to use this assignment to foil Reyshka’s assassination attempt on the Queen. That’s going to be a hell of a lot more difficult with Rienna strapped to my side.
Despite myself, I force a smile. Really, I just bare my teeth, but Reyshka wouldn’t know a smile from a scowl, so she doesn’t seem bothered. “Thank you. What kind of assignment?”
“I need you to test something for me at Faraday House.”
Faraday. Where the witch Queen resides. Where, I’m assuming, Reyshka made her first attempt on the Queen’s life. Where I’m certain she’ll make her next.
“It’s surrounded by an isi wood fence,” says Reyshka. “We’ve had soldiers swapping out portions of the wood to disrupt the perimeter. This should mean there’s a breach where we can enter. There’s a council meeting next week. Your task is to see if the perimeter is now breachable. If it is, enter Faraday and report back to me what additional defenses we’ll need to evade. If you are caught, you’ll deny any and all connection to Keirdre or myself. Do you understand and accept your assignment?”
Rienna and I nod. “Of course,” says Rienna, just as I say, “Thank you for this opportunity.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
ONLY A PHANTOM
I’m still reeling from the thrill of my victory when I Dreamweave to see Hayes. He’s in his chambers, sitting at his desk. When he sees me, his eyes narrow for a tick, before his expression clears and he grins. “Let me guess—you won and got an assignment.”
I laugh. “How could you tell?”
“You’re smiling.” Hayes rises from his chair to stand in front of me, eyes traveling over my face, grin stretching wider. “You hardly ever smile. Plus, you’re you. I never doubted you for a moment.” He folds his arms. “You were nervous about beating that soldier Reyshka loves, weren’t you? How’d you do it?”
