Roskov book 4, p.14
Roskov, Book 4, page 14
‘Do it, because in a year the call centre alone will use that paper.’
Next, I drove to that call centre, the staff all recognising me and smiling.
‘Ah, you’re back!’ the MD loudly let out. ‘You finished filming already?’
‘Yeah, and it was easy. Now we’ll see if people like it.’
‘Was in The Sun a few times, looked like you were having fun.’
‘It was fun, yes. But listen, I can get you some cheap computer chairs, for the staff more than the callers...’
‘Could do with a few.’
‘Give me a week. And we’re having some laser printer toner delivered, and paper, can get you thirty percent off.’
‘Great, it all helps.’
‘How’s the software?’
‘That’s great as well, because I can run a report every hour and see where we are, speeding up or slowing down and missing targets. End of the day - and I look at the reports, and shout at a few people.
‘And I can create a daily report and send it to the catalogue company, and they were fucking amazed that we had software to do it.’
‘How’s the staff training going?’ I asked.
‘Some of the girls learn quickly, some are thick as shit, so we get rid of them. All start on a month’s trial, then a three-month trial, so we take the bottom ten percent and get rid of them. One girl can make fifty calls a day, next girl makes just twenty!’
‘A big difference in productivity, yes.’
Marks and Spencers
Later in the afternoon, after chatting to Trish, we agreed a deal with Marks and Spencers, nine grand and residuals, but they also wanted posters, so we would make a little more on the posters. They would shoot in Leicester M&S, and they had already done the outside shots ready.
The next day I arrived at my usual M&S store at 9am as arranged, in my M&S suit and shirt, as arranged. There was a small crowd of teenage girls and housewives – which was odd, a rope barrier, and they snapped me with cameras as I entered, so I paused and said hello to most of them.
A few of the older ladies had sons coached by me or they knew my mum. And for the first time I signed a poster of myself.
Inside, I met the crew in the now customer-free shop, and they asked after the movie in France. Counter sales ladies ready, extras ready, cameras ready, and I was filmed walking in and looking at clothes racks.
I picked up a suit jacket my size, two shirts, and I handed them to the shop assistant.
She adopted a puzzled frown. ‘Mister Roksov, don’t you … have your suits tailored?’
‘These fit, they look good, and … why waste money?’ I touch my lapel. ‘Bought this here, been on a few chat shows in it, people think it’s expensive.’
She ran up the cost, I paid, smiles exchanged, and off I go, bags in hand. And it’s very surreal because I do this often anyhow.
Three takes, and they’re happy, and I’m released. But I can’t keep the clothes.
Out the shop, still a few ladies hanging around, and I sign another poster and pose for a snap.
Back at home, I called and updated Trish, and she would book me a flight to Corsica soon. I called Rolf next. ‘I was thinking about a trip to Corsica, to check the building work.’
‘Wait a week and I will come with you. But they make good progress and I get photos sent to me, and Michelle is there now – and she is very efficient and speaks French. Dave Maurice can source good quality local furniture, but at a good price, so they will do that together.’
‘Wedding next spring for them,’ I quipped.
‘I would bet good money on that, yes.’
‘Dortmons OK?’
‘They are half full, and have reasonable future bookings, starting to grow given that they don’t have old repeat customers. They sell through the hotel agencies, but they don’t want to be too cheap.’
‘I’ll try for a chat show soon.’ I called Trish and asked about UK chat shows, and to ask Rolf about Swedish, Danish and German chat shows, and I mentioned that I would soon fly back to America for the second part of my chat show.
Calling Jacqueline that night, she was decorating her cottage, and she was soon nudging me to “go find some work for her”.
With nothing in particular to do, an odd feeling, I headed into the glass factory the next day, soon calling back customers – who all wanted to ask about the film gossip before we got onto any new glass sales gossip.
I had two new customers, good orders, and an email from the Government - another prison to do. I printed off the email and showed it to my uncle, pleasing him.
There were three new prospects, so I called each in turn and shocked them; they had enquired of the company in general not of me in particular.
Back at home, I started on the monologue for my EU documentary, and it would need to be right, just right, the right amount of truth and politics.
Two days later, and I had already started on an outline of the next movie when I was not working on the EU documentaries.
The German Producer called me. ‘We showed the final movie to the Mercedes board, and they were smiling, then laughing, shocked a few times, but happy at the end of it.
‘They were surprised to see their adverts replayed but now understand the timeline and how the adverts fitted in. I explained the saddlebags sketch and replayed it, the board members wiping their eyes.’
‘Do they think it controversial?’
‘Yes, but that will help with free advertising they think, newspaper stories. And it is not officially their movie.’
‘How quick to get it certified?’
‘We can self-certify an “18” rating, but also send it to be certified. I think we could get a “15” in some countries, there is no full nudity in it. The DVD is sold to people over eighteen, so that covers you.’
‘When can I get a copy?’
‘On its way to you, by courier, twenty copies, some sent to Rolf.’
‘Great, thanks, and … I’ve started on the follow-up movie already.’
‘I thought you might, yes.’
The DVD pack turned up at 5pm at my house, and I signed for it, soon tearing it open, DVD in the player as my mum came to sit with me. ‘You may find it a bit rude in places, and there are boobs in it.’
‘Would have figured on that,’ she lightly complained.
The legal notices appeared. She soon laughed at the Bonza boys, failed to understand the saddlebag sketch, laughed at the BOLS sketch, and worried about the mongoloid kids – that we had hurt them in filming.
My father came home and joined us, catching the second hour. At the end of the movie came the models, all posing, names and agencies displayed, then the outtakes, which I had forgotten about.
Claudia was stood telling me that she doesn’t understand the saddlebag sketch, I shout about my cold balls, Eva gets a horse seen sniffing her naked behind. Then came the credits.
To my mother I said, ‘Does it look like a regular comedy movie, well made?’
‘Just like a normal movie, no bad acting. But do you have to show your arse like that?’
‘Women will buy it because of my arse like that. That’s why they buy posters.’
My father would watch it all again later, and I called Trish, for her to arrange for me to be back on the chat show in America, a.s.a.p. In the meantime, I would send that chat show a few DVDs, so that the audience could watch them before the show.
Selling DVDs
I headed to London in the morning to meet Trish, for us to hand a bunch of DVDs to The Sun newspaper for their staff to watch, and to organise the sales process. Their technical guy could copy the DVD, there was no need for a master film copy.
Using a DVD player, I showed the newsroom staff, all fifty of them, the Claudia shower scene.
‘That’ll sell well,’ the Editor noted. ‘She is one hell of a girl.’
I also showed them Claudia meeting Eva, then the saddlebag sketch, raucous laughter filling the news desk; these men were certainly not politically correct.
To the technical guy I said, ‘We can ship you blank DVDs in a truck, bought from South Korea. How many do you want?’
‘We’re already chatting to South Korea, and they can deliver fifty thousand here quickly, and there’s a company in the East End that can copy and pack and send quickly, the fulfilment, so we’ll use them, a sales call centre in Manchester.’
‘Sale price can’t be too different to Europe,’ I warned. ‘Eleven Euro.’
‘That’s … just about seven quid, which fits OK.’
‘So long as my margin stays the same I’m not worried.’
The Editor told me, ‘Day we launch it, we’ll have stills of Claudia, Jenny Patrick in knickers.’
Things were in motion, so I left them to it, and I had lunch with Trish at the same hotel, plans made. A British chat show was after me, so I would do that soon, when the DVDs were ready to sell.
Back home, and our American chat show host had responded, so I packed a bag. They would have the DVDs in time, and the audience would watch the movie first, literally just before my chat show.
I sent a message to Jenny Patrick, then called Jacqueline. ‘I’m heading back to the States, one-day chat show; if you want to attend I could cover your costs.’
‘Definitely, it will get me some work.’
‘Jenny might be there, if she can get away.’
I called Rolf next and informed him of the plan.
He explained, ‘The German publisher now has a tie-up with an American company that does posters on display in shops, he has sent fifty thousand from Mexico on sale or return and he can sell the DVD with a poster pack.’
‘Sounds good, if we can trust them.’
‘The DVDs are sale or return, so we will know how many come back or not.’
‘Are they adding sub-titles?’
‘I spoke with the Producer, and sub-titles are being worked on for some countries, you can turn them on or off when you watch.’
‘How are poster sales?’
‘Steady in Europe, down some, but still good money. America continues to grow steadily.’
‘And the club?’
‘Attendance is up, food is doing well, the twins and Olesya were there for two hours last night.’
‘The jazz club?’
‘Finished almost, wiring and air conditioning being finished, but they had to make some holes in thick walls. The grand opening will be a week from now.’
‘I’ll try and be there. What about the musicians?’
‘There are many old black jazz players in Europe, and they are all signed to the same agency it seems, so we use that agency and block book. I have found good but cheap apartments for the men, many rooms and beds.’
He put the twins on, talk of the club and a new shop to market. After the call, I hit the number for the FBI and left a message about my pending visit to the States, plus an invite to the chat show for them.
Chat show Red-Eye, Part II
The following day, at 10pm, I boarded the Heathrow to New York Red-Eye with Jacqueline, people noticing us and smiling politely. After the first in-flight meal, Jacqueline put on her eye covers, blanket over her, and she went off to sleep quickly. I took a little longer to settle, but I got a good six hours sleep, more than enough.
I had to wake Jacqueline just before we bumped down. ‘Rise and shine, FBI are at the door to arrest you.’
‘Smirnov please.’
‘It’s late enough for one,’ I quipped. ‘We’re on British time.’
Through Passport Control we had no luggage to collect, just shoulder bags with us, the same two big black guys waiting, hands shaken, Jacqueline introduced as we set off towards the skyscrapers.
At the studio we were met, soon into separate rooms and allowed a hot shower, some food microwaved, and I put a clean shirt on, a quick light shave, teeth cleaned at the ten-minute warning.
I met Jacqueline in the corridor, she did not look tired at all, and we were soon being led along corridors and in, Jenny Patrick suddenly rushing in, a quick hug given.
She was in and out of make-up in six minutes and looking nice.
He did his monologue as we waited in the wings, then he mentioned the movie, and that the audience had seen it, soon a loud applause as we walked on, a smile and nod at the audience, hands shaken with the host before I sat, Jacqueline hugging him, same for Jenny.
‘So with us tonight, we welcome again Ricky Roksov, joined by Jacqueline Dupont and Jenny Patrick, and they’ve recently completed an Indie movie together in France, and in record time. And … it looked like they had fun making it.
‘I’ve seen the movie, a comedy that expands on the Mercedes car adverts and explains how the characters came about, so now I understand it all. And I had to rewind a few times because I was laughing so hard I missed the next sketch.
‘Ricky, it’s funny, and … very rude in places, some nudity. And I must say, Claudia at the swimming pool … god damn!’
The audience laughed loudly as we smiled.
‘She is … distinctive yes.’
They put up a bikini image of Claudia. ‘This is with the bikini on, which she takes off in the movie, and I watched it without my wife being in the room.’
The audience laughed loudly.
‘Jenny, not measuring up?’ he asked.
They laughed as Jenny seemed embarrassed.
‘Few measure up to Claudia. I’m small and perfectly formed.’
‘We get to see you in a bikini, and you look great, but was that pool scene hard to shoot?’
‘No, since Claudia intimidates me all the time.’
‘Jacqueline, are you intimidated?’
‘Jealous, more like, she looks like a sculpted goddess.’
‘Ricky, in the outtakes, we see Claudia’s reaction to the saddlebag sketch…’
‘We had to do ten takes, the crew laughing and Jacqueline forcibly ejected from the set, and Claudia never understood what was so funny, which made her delivery so much better. She does now understand it.
‘And when we did the B-O-L-S drink sketch, Olesya didn’t understand why it might be funny, till we explained it.’
‘I loved it when the twins raise their dresses and kick, certainly not seen in a movie before.’
‘They kick for real, and there was an incident on a modelling photoshoot, and they kicked the photographer in the face and knocked him down.’
‘They kick for real?’
‘They do, so watch out.’
‘I wouldn’t mind being kicked by them.’ The audience laughed loudly. ‘And this place with the funny name in England, that’s your home town…’
‘Yes, hard for foreigners to understand at first. And the two evil twins from Leicester, I went to school with them, and they had never acted before.’
‘Are they a bit slow in real life?’
‘Yes,’ I said, nodding, Jacqueline laughing.
‘Jacqueline, you got to see him naked…’
‘I did, and I lifted his apron a few times.’
The backdrop went to me in an apron.
‘Ricky, it’s a fetching apron for a man servant to wear.’
‘Man servant and gigolo in the movie,’ I told him.
‘And Jacqueline pretends to grab your … you know?’
‘No pretending, she grabbed it, and then dunked it in ice,’ I told him, the audience laughing, Jacqueline going red with a hand to her face, Jenny doubled over laughing.
‘You look good naked, I think you made a few new fans. Jenny, did you see him naked?’
‘Not in the movie, no, but I was behind the camera, so I saw his butt a few times.’
‘Were you tempted to touch it?’
She laughed loudly with Jacqueline. ‘I did touch it, yes, wanted to know it was real and not a prop.’
‘And you just flew in for a few days, shot your scenes in the Indie movie and flew out…’
She told him, ‘Yes, just a few days in France, same for Vikki Meer. The location and the hotel were fab, I’ll go back, and it’s a real hotel, now named the Roskov Hotel.’
‘The Roskov Hotel?’
I told him, ‘I now have an interest in it, with the Swedish family, so we’ll promo the hotel and stay regular, and we’re just finishing off a Roskov Hotel on the French island of Corsica.
‘Jacqueline will pay for a villa to be built in the hotel grounds, and when she’s not there people can rent it, same for Jenny, she’s designed a small villa and people can use it like a hotel room when she’s not there, and L’Oreal are building a villa there.’
‘So a celeb can build a villa on the grounds, and use it but also rent it out afterwards…’
‘Yes, we’ll manage the villas for them like hotel rooms, a steady income. And the hotel has golf and horse riding.’
‘I had to stop and think about the first horse sketch. Magnificent beast, not racing, a bit big in the rear…’
Jacqueline laughed. ‘The horse I meant, not the girl, but it has a double meaning.’
‘And this is Eva, a model of yours…’ The backdrop changed.
‘Yes, signed to us if anyone wants to hire her. And she is a champion horse rider.’
‘I understand your character’s frustration with these new types of coffee. So what the hell is a frapacino?’
They laughed.
‘I have no idea.’
Jenny cut in, ‘It has no coffee in it.’
‘No coffee in the coffee?’
‘It’s non-fat milk.’
‘So why the hell do they have it in a coffee shop?’ he asked.
‘Some people like it. Basically warm milk.’
He faced me. ‘You ask for a Small Grande Mohican.’ The audience laughed. ‘I had to play it back and listen. A Mohican is an Indian, so you ask for a small large Indian.’
‘To take the piss, yes.’
‘And the sex doll with warm water inside, that I could do with on a winter’s night.’
The audience laughed loudly, Jacqueline and Jenny as well.
‘Better than your wife?’ I asked.
‘Hell yes. So Jenny, any dates with a dentist in real life?’
‘I did once, yes, he was … OK.’
