Roskov book 17, p.27
Roskov, Book 17, page 27
Elton complained, ‘So what the hell is the government doing?’
‘Doing fuck all, as usual. And when they decide to help me it’s because of the June election. Thatcher gutted the mental health places and alcohol and drug programmes and the hostels, so the park benches and shop doorways are full of people that used to be in a facility.’
Rod noted, ‘You shamed them into acting…’
‘Basically, yes, and what I did in Leicester was to simply wind back the clock to before Thatcher. But I now see the prisons as a business, and we’ll build a dozen or so. Because we import our own furniture and food and drink we make a good margin.’
‘You have some huge warehouse in Corsica,’ Rod noted as we ate.
‘Huge it is, and we supply the island’s shops and the hotels, and now the nursing homes. If we bought local we’d pay ten Euro for an item, by importing in bulk we pay two or three Euro.’
‘Hell of a difference,’ Rod noted.
I faced Elton. ‘Can I borrow you for some AIDS adverts in the UK?’
He appeared sceptical. ‘What kind of adverts?’
‘You won’t get paid, you have one line. I tell people to use a condom and choose to live, you echo that, hopefully convincing some of the idiots in the gay community that sex with ten men in a nightclub toilet is bad for them.’
‘I know what goes on in club toilets, but I always avoided those clubs anyway. I’ll do the one line, yeah. You’ll grab other celebs?’
‘Yes, a dozen or so, try and get the message across to cinema audiences.’
‘I’ll do one line,’ Rod offered.
‘When you’re in London next, green screen. Choose to live, is the catchphrase.’ I faced Elton. ‘Where’s your better half?’
‘He has work, and football is not his thing.’
‘The German lady you married, was that really because you wanted biological kids?’
‘It was … most of it, yes,’ he admitted, appearing sad.
I told them, ‘The twins come from a long line of other twins, and they want to have kids with me, at the same time, so we’d have four baby girls born around the same date.’
‘Jesus,’ the Stoke player let out. ‘That will be a loud house.’
I told him, ‘When the twins were kids they dressed alike and did their hair alike, so they had to be punished as a pair, impossible to tell which girl broke something.
‘I’ll have four identical girls, no idea which one is which -’
‘Can you tell the twins apart?’ he asked.
‘Much of the time, yes, from their mannerisms, but not always. In the early days I told them to either wear a name tag or to fuck off.’
‘And you do Claudia as well?’
‘I do, infrequently, and Jenny Patrick, but I now refuse any new girls that are interested, even if the twins thrust me towards that new girl.’
‘They don’t care?’ he asked.
‘They’re Swedish, and they don’t care who I see. But I do care, and it fucks with my head, and Jenny … she needs to let go or be hurt.
‘If it was my choice I’d just be with the twins. But at the start it was great to be in a hotel suite with six girls, just that I care for the twins and just want a simple life now.’
‘Six?’ Rod queried. ‘You did six girls?’
‘This American in the next room, he asked me on the balcony how many girls I had in with me. I told him: I could go count them if you like.’
The Stoke player noted, ‘You’re doing better than George Best.’
‘Ah, my hero. He said that he spent a lot of money on girls and booze, the rest he just wasted.’
Elton shook his head at me. ‘I met him a few times, because back in the seventies there were only so many clubs in London, and we chatted about football of course.’
We started the second half, beer in hand, and Elton was expert on all football topics, more so than me.
Stoke beat Watford after a questionable penalty, some harsh language direct at the TV, and after handshakes and hugs Elton left us, soon after the Stoke player, myself and Rod sat watching the TV news. And the Tigenheart investigation still dominated the news.
‘Where’s your wife?’ I asked.
‘Back in New Zealand, family.’
‘The photos make her look huge stood next to you.’
‘Heels on her, and she’s tall anyhow, but in heels she’s like two inches taller than me.’
‘I’m eye-to-eye with the twins in heels, which is good. But they don’t go for high heels anyway thankfully.’
‘Claudia is well built…’
‘In school she was flat chested, and people thought she was a boy,’ I told him.
‘Jesus, she’s filled out a bit since then.’
‘She had anger issues, better now; when we first met she was not averse to punching any man that annoyed her. Now she has the money, she has a plan to retirement and can see her life in a better way. And your plan…’
‘I’ll keep doing the concerts as long as I enjoy it and get paid, then fade away and spend time with my family, and it’s a big family.
‘I did a chat show with Pierce Brosnan recently, and in real life he’s no James Bond, been with his wife since forever, like twenty years, and she’s the boss at home.
‘When he’s not filming he’s at home in Ireland digging the garden or sorting the kids for school. What do you do for down time?’
‘I don’t really have down time, and I have no particular hobbies – no painting or model making or gardening, but I love creating new businesses and I like investigating the dirtbags and seeing them sorted.
‘I liked designing the hotel and grounds in Corsica, and I liked designing the nursing home buildings, that’s my real passion – problem solving. That and treasure maps and old relics.’
‘You found the fucking Ark after two thousand years, they all missed it.’
‘There were clues written down, and I’m getting good now at the archaeology, following the clues and searching caves.’
I felt the tingle and glanced at the patio doors. ‘What was that?’
We eased up and had a look, a large bird staring up at us. Rod unlocked and opened the door and we stepped out, the pool off to our left.
‘It’s some sort of fucking eagle!’ Rod noted.
‘Let me try, I have a thing with animals.’ I walked up to the eagle and knelt, the three-foot-tall bird turning its head to look at me. A hand on the back of its head, and I closed my eyes.
Then there it was, a lead pellet from a kid’s air gun, the wound infected. A hand on the chest wound, and the heat built and died in my hand.
Opening my eyes, I told the bird, ‘Best have some food before you leave, you look thin.’ I stood and faced Rod. ‘Got any fish?’
‘Yeah, hang on.’
Rod returned with salmon, the bird having followed me and hopped up onto a table. Taking the salmon, I fed the eagle, but it was not a bald eagle, and it was starving, not having eaten because of the infection.
When done, I told it, ‘You’ve had your free meal, now go fly home and check your mate if you have one.’ The eagle flew off. I faced Rod. ‘Seen that here before?’
‘No, and I’d call Animal Control if I did, before it ripped my throat out. You definitely have a thing with animals.’
‘It looked injured, so … you did your good deed for the day. Good karma.’
We locked the door, talking about indigenous birds here, and I was finally shown up to my sumptuous room, in need of some sleep, the flight catching up with me.
Beverly Hills
I woke at 7am, and I was soon wide awake an unable to go back off to sleep. After a shower and clean clothes grabbed, a quick study out the window of the iconic view of Los Angeles, and I headed down, the maid making me breakfast before Rod came down.
‘Sleep OK?’ he asked me, his hair looking odd.
‘Slept great, great bed, nice and quiet around here. Your hair…’
‘Is flat when I sleep, yeah. And if someone made a noise around here the police would be down on them! This ain’t Britain!’
‘Try Switzerland, they’d shoot you for cutting the grass without written permission.’
‘I stayed there a while, and they have some strange fucking laws about noise, yeah.’
‘I have a chat show today, if it’s confirmed this morning.’
‘You do them in one take they said.’
‘Mostly, yes, I know what I want to say,’ I told him. ‘But this is Rod Ahearn.’
‘Ah, he wants the comedy and the smut, not the political bollocks.’
The confirmation came an hour later, and my FBI detail was duly alerted – to be ready to leave.
An hour after that confirmation I set off in my trademark suit but with a spare shirt and a few bits and pieces in my carry-on aircraft bag; I had learnt a thing or two from Jenny.
I had called Claudia from New York and she was available – they wanted her to plug the new film, and I had set off in glorious sunshine, a ride down the hill and towards the iconic city skyline image that featured in many movies.
It took almost an hour, but we finally arrived at the studio, studio security not happy about the FBI, the FBI unhappy at their lack of a happy welcome, fingers pointed at the security men.
Inside, the floor manager found a room for the FBI, but the FBI insisted that they be stood off-camera in case someone in the audience wanted to have a go at me. That caused another row, but the floor manager finally gave up.
I enjoyed a quick hot shower and placed on a fresh shirt, smellies on even though this was TV and no one would smell me, teeth cleaned via a throwaway toothbrush, a check of my face and some stubble tackled, and I sat in make-up, chatting to the make-up ladies about Antigua.
Finally ready, I was led to the Green Room, Claudia just now walking in wearing a sexy dress and looking hot, a big hug for me, and some concern for me about my hotel shootout.
Sat, in came a young and very beautiful half-caste singer, Bella, and she was more than pleased to see me, a hug given, which surprised me. She had been born in Barbados, and we got chatting about my eventful stay there with Claudia and the twins.
Two-minute warning, thirty-second warning, and we finally all walked to the side of the audience and halted at the floor manager.
‘With us tonight we have superstar singer, Bella, we have the hot lady from that naughty Roskov movie, Claudia, and we have the ladies’ heartthrob himself, Ricky Roskov.’ The audience applauded and cheered as we appeared.
I shook his hand after Bella and Claudia had allowed him to grasp shoulders and kiss cheeks, and we finally sat, Bella between myself and Claudia somehow. We settled ourselves as the audience calmed down, but this was not live anyhow.
And from where I sat I had a perfect view down Bella’s top, the nice boobs on display.
‘So, Ricky, fresh from a shootout in New York and now with an FBI detail…’
‘Your president, he turned off my massage video and shouted at a few people the night of the shooting, since with the Tigenheart investigation underway I should have had an FBI detail with me. Luckily my bodyguard was alert, and he shot dead two men, I kicked one and punched another.’
‘You do the Kung-Fu stuff, yeah?’
‘I learnt to fight for the movies, but also for protection, and I keep fit.’
‘You met the President?’
‘In Denmark, at the festival to celebrate the saving of the Jews from the Nazi. But I did recently send him a signed copy of my massage video.’
The audience laughed loudly.
‘I think he’ll like the video, yeah. Bella, do you do any self-defence?’
‘A man came into my room in a hotel one time, and I hit him in the head with an iron, I was ironing something at the time.’
‘It was a hot iron?’ he asked.
‘It was, but I don’t think I burnt him, just knocked him out.’
‘And Claudia, do you fight to defend yourself? Ricky is grinning.’
I cut in, ‘She used to have a bad temper, a lack of tolerance for stupid men making moves on her. A few men got a right hook.’
‘Claudia, I can’t believe that men would bother you.’ The audience laughed.
‘Sometimes they do, and sometimes I hit them. But now I am more tolerant and I just ignore them. And one time a man bothers me and I tell him that I am Ricky’s girlfriend, so he goes away.’
‘Too much competition for him, Ricky is much sought after. So Ricky, still developing this massage technique?’
Deadpan, I replied, ‘Yes, keeping my hand in.’
Bella doubled over laughing, a hand to her mouth as the audience laughed loudly.
My host stared at me, peeved. ‘I walked right into that one, didn’t I.’ Up came an image of my video massage girl. ‘And this is the hot girl in the video…’
‘She had made a few sex education movies for the Swedish Government, so the twins thought that she would be suited. She came around to the house, then the twins sent her upstairs with me, to strip off, so that I could examine her and … make sure that she was suited.’
The audience laughed.
‘These twins are real mean to you, aren’t they.’
I began, ‘They told me to give Claudia a massage, forced me to.’
The audience laughed as Claudia shot me a look.
‘Can I have a massage?’ Bella asked.
‘Exploring the pink?’ I teased with a straight face.
She doubled over in fits, a hand to her mouth, Claudia shocked and grinning as the audience laughed.
‘Exploring the pink?’ our host asked, and Claudia turned her head away to hide her smirk.
I gave him my best fatherly disappointed look for several seconds. Then I pointed at a black crewman that was laughing. ‘Ask him, after the show.’
Our host waved the guy over, and the crewman came up with headsets on and whispered in our host’s ear before walking quickly away.
Our host shuffled his cue cards. ‘I’m going to pretend that never happened.’
‘We can edit it out,’ I suggested to him as the audience laughed loudly, Bella’s eyes watering.
I faced her. ‘Would you want the full works, with another girl present?’ I asked deadpan.
‘I don’t mind another girl joining in,’ she purred at me before she turned to Claudia. ‘If we were in a hotel suite, would we all walking around naked?’
‘If it was the Caribbean, yes, of course,’ Claudia responded.
I faced my host. ‘In Barbados, which is where Bella is from, the guy on the next balcony to us complained about the noise, then asked me how many girls I had in my room. I told him I would have to go count them.’
The audience laughed loudly.
My host asked Claudia, ‘You go to sleep after one of Ricky’s massages?’
‘Most of the time, yes.’
‘And Ricky, you now have this video out, about how to give a lady a massage, and it’s doing well…’
‘It’s selling far better than we expected, on its way to making me a hundred million dollar profit.’
‘Wow. But you have a big bank account anyway…’
‘That big bank account is investors’ money, a few million of my own, but as soon as I make some money I invest it in condos in France, and Claudia does the same.
‘She now has many city apartments as well as holiday apartments, so she can live off the rental income.’
‘Claudia,’ he asked. ‘Is it enough money to live well?’
‘Yes, now it is, and the summer season in Corsica is very good.’
‘Bella, any condos?’
‘I was sensible with my income, yes, and I bought a few properties in Barbados, some rented out now. I don’t waste my money.’
I turned my head to her. ‘Good looks don’t last, things head south.’
She gaped at me for a moment. ‘I hope my boobs are good for a few years yet.’ She pulled out her top. ‘Does this show my boobs?’
‘It does when you pull it out like that yes, I can now see the nipples. But it’s OK, the camera can’t see.’
She turned to Claudia, cupped a boob and weighed it in her hand, my host sat wide-eyed and glancing at the audience. ‘These make me jealous. I saw the movie and I was jealous of these.’
Claudia had not reacted, she just grinned. ‘In school I was flat chested till sixteen.’
‘My god,’ Bella let out. ‘Where did they spring from?’
‘I just started to fill out.’
I faced my host. ‘Did you watch the movie?’
‘Just for reference purposes,’ he quipped, the audience laughing.
‘Jenny Patrick was not acting when stood next to Claudia, she was genuinely jealous, and Claudia – we never explained the saddlebag flaps sketch to her.’
Bella doubled over, a hand to her mouth, the audience laughing.
Claudia put in, ‘When I do the sketch … I don’t understand what is funny.’
The audience laughed louder, the host hiding behind his cue cards, Bella about to have a heart attack.
‘OK, moving on,’ our host called, adjusting his tie. ‘I’m a professional. Claudia, you learnt to ride a scooter for the movie…’
‘I had professional lessons, yes.’
‘I had a scooter at sixteen,’ Bella put in. ‘But I won’t use one now in case I come off, and my insurance is really strict.’
‘Ricky, do you actually have insurance?’
The audience laughed.
‘I have the usual travel insurance, but it doesn’t cover me for shootouts and bombs. I have an air marshal that flies with me some of the time, and that helps; his ID card and his gun.’
‘Do you get bothered on flights?’
‘Only to soothe babies.’
Claudia put in, ‘He is fantastic with babies, but it is rude that everyone on the plane thinks he must quiet the babies.’
‘I calmed a baby on the flight here,’ I told our host. ‘But I like doing it, and I hope to have a few screaming kids of my own someday, but the twins are from a long line of twins, so I would have four identical baby girls at the same time.
‘But the good thing would be that when they’re older we can do the Village Of The Damned and scare tourists.’
