Herculine, p.16
Herculine, page 16
Still, I wanted Esther to be happy so that I could imagine myself happy. Maybe that was foolish. To tack my hope onto someone else’s. We do it all the time though; we base our own capacity on another’s. The entire project seemed outrageous. To go against God and nature to reclaim the womb. To raise kids collectively. I’d heard about studies being done in faraway countries but the reality of a trans woman having a kid with her own uterus seemed so far away. There were so many possible complications. But now I was a witness. A possible test subject. For so long I’d toyed with the possibility of being a mother, trying to break through my ambivalence. I always pushed it off, it wasn’t the kind of choice I needed to make. It wasn’t like I ever had a stable partner to build a home with anyway. Now I was being forced to think about the possibility again, this time with real consequences. I hadn’t accomplished anything I thought I needed to before starting a family. I hadn’t written a book. I hadn’t gotten married. I hadn’t even been proposed to. All of those were things I thought I needed to accomplish before taking care of someone else. To care required being cared for—even if by myself. When I tried to imagine myself standing over a crib I only saw an empty child’s bedroom. Winnie-the-Pooh painted on the wall, a Calder mobile, yellow-and-blue building blocks scattered on a lavender-colored rug. A window with pastel linen curtains. But there was no baby, no biological ticking clock. Not really. Just one day after another going down the drain.
* * *
It was no longer a surprise when demons showed up to Sunday service. After Martha gave an update about finances and Mira lectured us about Wi-Fi usage, Ash took the stage.
“I don’t want to give out homework and I don’t want to call anyone out, but I will assign The Ethical Slut if I have to,” Ash said.
The joke seemed pointed, but I thought she should try to give it a read first. Everyone liked to talk a big game about preventing hurt without looking in the mirror. Monogamy was a shackle Ash toyed with, but her rules were never explicit. I did actually want to be someone’s possession though. Every new lover was an opportunity to be worn. But each time I was tried on, I was eventually discarded. A younger, prettier, more passing model was never far behind. Scanning the pews, I located Indigo sitting next to the Hot Butch. Both of them were wearing wifebeaters that accentuated their hard nipples. I had never been a cheater. I told myself the circumstances were different at Herculine. All is fair in love and demonology.
“Now for an update on our two radiant pregnant ladies,” Ash said. Elle and Esther were seated near her, handmaidens of Herculine. Elle was beaming but Esther seemed nervous as they listened to the service. “Dagon has blessed us with two children. We will welcome them and build an altar to our lord. Someone who won’t ever fail us. Now our glowing mothers-to-be are going to say a few words.”
Elle opened her mouth to speak but Esther cut her off.
“I don’t want it!” she screamed.
The air turned cool. I was standing right next to the fiery altar at the front of the room, but it did not warm my bones, it felt wet behind me. I searched for Indigo for some indication of what was to come. Esther was shaking. She’d seemed so calm and collected just moments ago. I was surprised to see her so out of sorts. Suddenly, four girls I didn’t know very well joined in her chorus of screaming. The green translucent bug demon crawled between them as they scattered. Its body was still not wholly solid and it glittered in the light like a gem.
“Oh Dagon,” Ash said. She looked vacant, like kindling for the great fire. “Lord of the Deep.” She looked vacant when she let a demon take over. Like Cassandra—just a vessel for knowledge. Her eyes like two orbs full of lies.
I will devour… every one of you… who does not appreciate my gifts…
One of Dagon’s many green antennae slowly swept the room. The demon came across Esther and dug into her belly with military-like precision.
Esther screamed. The others watched in horror as the parasitic limb dug through Esther’s stomach. We could see where it bulged, worming through her in search of the fetus. I wondered how far along she was. Esther writhed in pain until Dagon used two other antennae to pin her to the ground. No one moved to help. Elle was tearing up. Ash still looked blank. I realized I was getting used to the noise. Surely Esther’s screams alone hit an insane decibel, but everything sounded oddly muted. The sound no longer registered as it once did.
Whores, whores, ungrateful girls, evil girls. Stupid, stupid girls. You will never be women.
When the antennae retracted, black mud puddled underneath Esther. She let out a singular sob and then looked down. She struggled to get up, blood drooling down her leg and green gunk splattered across the hem of her yellow frock and her toes. She managed to walk back to the pews before collapsing on the ground. The first trans-girl abortion. We all silently contemplated. The effigy next to Ash was vibrating. Indigo stood next to me, quiver at her side, bow on her back.
“Sometimes the demons get cagey. I’m guessing it didn’t like little Esther’s confession,” she told me.
“I didn’t know she felt that way,” I said.
Ash’s eyes were white. Esther sobbed on the floor as Elle knelt to help her. Dagon unsheathed more tendrils and launched them in all directions. They pierced the sides of the building like an insect tree sprouting from between the pews. Next the beast took aim at the soft wood, breaking it apart.
“We should get out,” I said.
“No,” Indigo said.
Ash still stood next to the effigy, murmuring in Latin, as Izzie cowered nearby, her eyes wide with fear. Mira, Martha, and a few other girls huddled around Esther, as if able to protect her. I put my odds for survival on the girls who ran. Dagon’s tendrils hovered in the air. The room was silent for a minute. Then more screaming erupted as Dagon swept a few girls off the ground, twisting their bodies like strawberry caps in its steely grip. Natalie’s body hit the floor first. We could all hear her bones crunching. I looked away. I did not want to see ivory bone poking through Gushers-red muscle.
“What did she do?” I heard Izzie’s squeaky voice ask.
The three remaining girls in Dagon’s grasp rained down from the sky as the translucent bug demon took flight through the roof, leaving the survivors to sort out the carnage ourselves. Everyone rushed toward the wounded girls. Indigo and I exchanged glances.
“Meet me at the trailhead in two hours, if you can,” she said, before turning to help Esther.
I couldn’t stop staring at Natalie’s lifeless, broken body. A few traumatized girls walked out in silence. I slipped into the crowd behind Elle. She held her stomach as we walked down the two steps and toward her cabin.
* * *
An hour and a half later, I came across a solemn gathering of defectors at the top of a dense wooded incline. Indigo, Martha, and two other girls sat on a log, whispering about the massacre. Down the hill, the camp was still alight. No one wanted to go to bed just yet.
“I can’t believe Natalie died…” Martha said. There were tears in her eyes. I wanted to put my hand on hers but resisted the impulse.
“We could be next,” the One with the Pink Hair added.
“She wasn’t even in our group,” Indigo said. “The other girls were just casualties too, I don’t think this was about us.”
“Next time it might be,” the One with the Pink Hair countered.
“We have to get out,” Indigo said. “And soon.”
She was staring right at me, waiting for me to pledge fealty.
“How do you propose we do that?” I asked.
“We’ll have to use our tethers,” Indigo said.
“Are you kidding me? Did we witness the same thing? That demon just bled that girl out for wanting an abortion,” I said. I had risen to my feet, surprised at how good it felt to talk back to someone, to speak in anger, even if it wasn’t directed at the person I was most furious at.
“Don’t be a fucking smart-ass,” Martha yelled. “They didn’t punish Natalie because Esther wanted an abortion.”
“Then why did she die?” I asked. “If that’s how they treat the girls they like, then how the hell do you think we’re going get out of here?”
“Nihilism isn’t going to help,” Indigo said. She stood up to level with me, face-to-face. I sat back down.
“People are dead. That seems like punishment to me,” I said.
“I hardly think demons care about abortion one way or the other,” the Hot Butch said, staring me down.
“We’re getting off track. You’re the only one not yet tethered. You have the best chance of leading us out of here.”
“Leading?” I pushed. My voice squeaked. “How do you suggest that I get us out of whatever”—I motioned furiously—“demonic force field is around us?”
“Let me worry about that for now. I have some ideas. We’ll have to wait a few days before we meet again. Then we can go over the details.”
She shot me a flirtatious look as I looked down at the ground and let my face go numb. We staggered our exits. I left last, slowly hiking back down the hill toward the lights.
* * *
When I got back to Ash’s house, I caught a flustered, nude Izzie hastily tying a bathrobe around her waist as she walked out the front door. She stopped when she saw me. I stared at her untrimmed bush.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi.”
“I’d better go.”
“Okay,” I said.
Izzie scampered off, desperately holding the corners of the bathrobe to her body.
Quietly, I made my way into our cabin. Her cabin, really.
“Ash?”
She was sitting on the ground in a blue bathrobe smoking a Capri. Her hair was bundled up atop her head, mousy strands falling next to her cheeks.
I sat down a few feet away and held my knees in close.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” she said quietly, almost as if it wasn’t me in the room with her and she was talking to a ghost.
“Why was Izzie in here?”
Ash shrugged.
“Just talking?” I suggested.
“Just talking.”
“Okay,” I said.
“It’s nothing,” Ash said. “You just keep pulling away.”
“Why don’t we run away together? Can’t we leave this place and start over?”
“It’s too late. Everything’s in motion.”
“What’s in motion? The tethering? Can’t… Can’t we get out of it?”
She turned toward me and I saw there were tears in her eyes for the first time since I’d arrived. She could still feel something. She was in there.
“No. You can’t get out of it.”
I pulled her in and kissed her hard on the lips. I had come seeking reassurance and answers but there I was trying to make her feel okay about everything she’d done to me. Funny how that happened. She nuzzled her head against my breast as I tried to think about what to do next. Confrontation with her was always like watching a slow-burning moth. So beautifully tender I didn’t know what to do but stop and watch the embers in the moonlight.
DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE
The next death happened with less fanfare. Two days later we found the Hot Butch from Indigo’s rebellion, dead in her bed after she didn’t come out for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Indigo told me that I was too delicate to see the body. I took her word for it after seeing Natalie. Apparently, the girl’s death didn’t stink of the supernatural. Indigo wondered if Ash was onto us. Paranoid, she started creating hand signs for us to flash at one another. No notes, no words. Not unless we were far enough away from the camp. When we walked past each other, we kept our distance, even as I filled with perverse desire. I kept imagining our night in the woods and longed to fuck myself. I couldn’t even take out my sexual frustrations on Ash—I was terrified that if she and I fucked, she would choke me a few seconds too long.
“What’s wrong?” she kept asking as if we could have an honest conversation.
The small peace that had been established in Herculine was gone. No one felt safe. Girls whispered in corners. On my way to breakfast, a girl with a septum piercing shot me a death glare. She, like many others, thought it was my fault, that I was a harbinger of death. I felt something wet on the back of my leg and realized that she’d spit on me. Great.
“Fuck off,” I muttered under my breath.
“Excuse me?” the girl huffed, turning around to face me.
I didn’t say anything, just stared back at her blankly. Indigo started walking over to us, but I just wanted to be left alone and de-escalate the situation myself. I motioned for her to stand down, and the girl continued along her way.
The Hot Butch’s death scared me too, but no one cared about my fear. I was expendable, I was the one in the wrong. Both the other girls in Indigo’s clique and the ones on Ash’s side treated me like a social pariah and looked at me weird if I tried to sit with them at mealtimes. I grabbed a piece of toast and headed for the door. Elle smiled at me as I passed her on my way out. Elle was one of the few who remained friendly with me, her maternal glow expanding like a ballooning leech. The thin ache I’d once felt for motherhood was rotting as I considered that the demons were artificially shaping her emotions. The daily joy she made out of being pregnant was cursed. Even Ash grew increasingly distant—sometimes when I woke up she was already out for the day. Or maybe she was just waking up in Izzie’s bed. I didn’t understand how someone who’d attempted murder-suicide was more appealing than me.
Legion seemed to be playing the long game, suggesting that he wasn’t worried that I would actually manage to escape. I didn’t really feel like there was anywhere to escape to. Even if I got away from Ash—which I still felt conflicted about—Legion would be waiting. It wasn’t like the demons first appeared to me when I’d arrived at Herculine. I’d always been haunted. He was patiently taking his time tethering to me, waiting until I was at my lowest. I wasn’t sure how much lower I could go.
Indigo wanted to meet up and talk about her friend’s death. I kept blowing her off. I wasn’t particularly close to the butch who’d died or Natalie. But in a matter of days, our numbers dwindled from twenty to fifteen. I felt like I should’ve felt sorrow but instead I felt dead, nauseated twenty-four seven. Indigo’s voice rang in my mind, repeating the same messages about how little time we had, how Ash was going to discard me, how Legion was going to bind to me and I wouldn’t be strong enough to resist. Even if we sailed out of Herculine into the great big wide world together, Indigo did not seem like the kind of woman I would want to build a house with. But she was good at fucking. And she was right, Ash did not take full advantage of my body. Especially after Izzie showed up. Maybe Izzie got the real sex. I was supposed to be having good sex. The earth-shattering, spiritual kind that brought me back to life and then cast me out into the wilderness with a new lease on life. I still hoped that I was the one she really needed. The one she would return to again and again. Wishful thinking had never saved me before, but there was always a chance to try again.
* * *
I decided to walk along the river for a while. Leaves fell into the water, following the current like me. I missed being near the ocean in New York—not that I actually visited it all that often. I missed taking walks from Fourteenth Street to Central Park, wearing out the soles of my shoes and praying that with one more cup of bodega coffee I would be able to solve my emotional problems. I always just wanted love. Too bad I looked for it in foxholes. I wanted the dangerous love built on long-distance plane rides, trauma, and failed girlhood. I thought about Joni Mitchell singing about danger and repetition after leaving her lover at a truck stop and driving cross-country in disguise. I hummed the lyrics for the hundredth time, over someone else I felt could be the one to tie me up in white lace. For years in therapy I had spit out the Ouroboros of my love life. The opposite of a rainbow. That’s what I’d followed across the Midwest. I shouldn’t have left New York. Leaving one hell for another is never a good idea. Don’t leave the house. Stay put. Weather ennui. I was striving to learn a lesson without having finished the journey. Therapized beyond belief.
I took off my boots and plopped my feet into the river with two small splashes though it was far too cold. Jesus help me. I felt the words welling up inside me. The prayers my grandma had taught me resurfacing, tokens against obliteration. Branches swayed above me in the breeze. I put my hands in my coat pockets and considered smoking another cigarette but I’d forgotten my lighter. After a few restless moments I got out, put my shoes back on, and continued wandering into the woods. The trees tangled thick around me, evergreens and notched birches. Mist shrouded the path in front. I decided to find the small briar patch that Indigo had told me about. Behind a crumbling wall and a dense thicket lay some wild berries and clover. It always made me think of children’s storybooks. I would pick some forbidden fruit. I wound my way through the maze of peeling bark and crunching leaves.
There was no gate on the briar patch and the wall was too desecrated to keep anyone in or out. I lifted one leg then the other. Tall girl. I hated it when cis people reminded me that I was tall. Once, a woman I had only ever talked to on the phone told me that I was taller than she’d expected when she finally met me in person. I was proud of that. My boss said she was probably humoring me. I made a low-grade snipe about her Elizabeth Warren sticker.
I felt demonic logic clouding my mind, just being in Herculine affected my brain. God wasn’t going to save me. I could beg on my knees, sweat, drive a tent peg through the head of my enemy. Serve Ash’s head on a platter. But I didn’t want to do any of that. If someone else told me they’d had to kill to get out of such a position I would have forgiven them. I wasn’t sure I would allow myself the same luxury. Besides, it could’ve been what Legion wanted, for me to lose my soul. It occurred to me he could’ve been listening in on my thoughts. I took a deep breath and wormed my way through the thorns, letting nettles collect on my skin. Cuts formed quickly, and by the time I was in the middle of the secret garden, I looked like a lesser Saint Sebastian.
