All we are, p.11
All We Are, page 11
“What’s going on?” she asks in a quiet voice.
“Keane called me about this a little while ago.” I unmute the TV and worry for the first time how Lilah’s going to take this news. She was one of his victims after all.
“Oh my God.” She lifts her hand to her mouth, covering her astonished gasp.
Tears well in her eyes as she sits ramrod-straight, staring at the TV. The news anchors debate what will happen next and how these few brave women who have come forward might just be the tip of the iceberg. Her breathing slowly becomes more and more labored while pictures of Bernie flash across the screen. I slide down the couch until I’m beside her and take her hand. Will the sight of her in pain ever not feel like a knife jabbing me in my heart? I can’t just leave her and return to my hotel room like nothing’s happened.
I probably have to accept that a part of me will always care for Lilah, which I rationalize isn’t a bad thing since she’s the mother of my daughter. Anything that adversely affects Monica’s mom affects her too.
Since she told me what went down with Bernie, I’ve only concentrated on how it affected me, the future I lost as a result. But in this moment, I understand what she lost too. I have even more newfound respect for her sobriety, knowing what her father did to her and witnessing firsthand the spiral it sent her on. The fact that she was able to stay sober after Bernie used his power and influence over her says how strong she is.
Guilt seeps into my pores as I watch her terrified gaze on the TV screen. Could I have done more to protect her? Everyone knew Bernie’s reputation, and there’d always been murmurings of his casting couch escapades. Sure, I didn’t know about her meeting with him, but was there something I could have done to prevent him from taking advantage of her?
“Are you okay?” I ask, squeezing her hand.
“It wasn’t just me. I mean, I didn’t really think it was, I suppose, but I never gave it much thought. There was so much going on in my life at the time and then Monica was born and…” Her eyes widen and she looks away from the screen and at me. “You don’t think they’re going to find out about me, do you? I cannot be in the press.”
I shake my head, dropping her hand and giving her a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder. “No way. Unless you’ve told someone else who would sell your story?”
“No, no. I mean, I saw a counselor for a bit and I talked some about it in my meetings, but I never gave details that anyone could put two-and-two together.” She heaves a big sigh and looks at her lap.
I place my finger under her chin and force her to meet my gaze. “Then it will be fine. I’m sure a lot more women will come forward, but it’s entirely your decision whether you want to be one of them.”
She shakes her head and a tear slips free. Before I can stop myself, I use my thumb to wipe the tear away. Realizing my mistake, I let my hand drop and inch back on the cushion a bit.
“I couldn’t bear for Monica to find out.” She wipes at another tear that falls, and my fingers twitch in response. “I know that someday I’ll have to tell her about how it was growing up and my addiction issues, but she’s too young to deal with that now. I just want to keep her in her bubble.”
“Then what you told me stays between us.” Then I realize I’ve told Adelaide what happened, and the guilt that was a seedling inside me grows to a creeping vine slithering through my body. “You should know that I told Adelaide though.”
Lilah’s forehead scrunches up and hurt flashes across her face for a second before she nods slowly. “That makes sense, I guess. You guys are getting married. She won’t…?”
“No. No, she’d never share that with anyone. I trust her.”
Her lips press together. “I’m glad you have someone you can trust in your life. I really am.” A sad smile parts her lips.
“You’ll find someone.”
She shrugs. “Maybe, maybe not.” She glances at the TV screen again then stands abruptly. “It’s getting late. I should head to bed. Monica likes to be up at the crack of dawn.”
“Okay, yeah. Listen, don’t let this”—I gesture to the TV—“mess with your head. You’ve built a great life for you and Monica.”
Wrapping her arms around her stomach, she says, “I won’t. I’ll go to a meeting tomorrow. I’ve been going more lately… with everything going on and the past coming back up. It helps.”
“I’m glad. Who will watch Monica for you?” I ask, stepping toward the door.
“Eileen. She loves having her over there. Her own kids have long since grown and moved on, so I think she enjoys having the energy of a little one around.”
I can tell by her smile that she thinks fondly of her neighbor.
I’m torn. I want to offer to stay, text the pilot and tell him to change our flight time, but Adelaide will pitch a fit. I’ve promised her that tomorrow afternoon, we'll finalize the invitations before they’re sent out next month. In the end, I decide not to push my luck with Adelaide. This has been a big curveball for her too, and I need her onboard.
“All right. Well, if Monica needs anything this week, let me know. Otherwise I’ll see you next Friday.”
“Yep, okay.” She gives me an awkward wave before I turn and grip the door handle. “Jimmy, wait.”
I stop and turn to face her, halfway out the door. “What’s up?”
“I was thinking that maybe next weekend we should tell Monica that you’re her father. Maybe we can figure out what we want to say after she goes to bed Friday night and then Saturday you can stay for dinner after I get back from work and we can tell her together.”
Excitement bubbles inside me as though I’m six years old and someone just said Christmas is coming early. Quickly, the excitement wars with nerves. How will Monica take the news? Will she be excited to know who her father is, and will she like the idea of it being me?
“I’m nervous. Are you nervous?”
A soft smile plays on her lips. “I am, but I think she’ll be happy about it. Still, it will be a big change for her… having her dad in her life.”
“I get it. It'll still take time to acclimate her to the new normal.”
Lilah looks down for a second then back at me. “It’s been a big change for all of us. Thanks for not pushing.”
I step closer to her. “I only want what’s best for her. I hope you know that.”
She nods. “I’m starting to believe that. Anyway, I’ll see you Friday. Have a good week.”
I inhale, nod, then turn and leave.
This time next week, Monica will know I’m her father.
I didn’t know about her until a month ago, but I can’t help feeling that all the pieces in my life are clicking into place.
Chapter 18
Jimmy
Adelaide is in her pajamas, sipping coffee on the couch and watching the news, when I arrive home shortly before lunchtime. It strikes me as odd, because she’s a get up, get dressed, get ready type of person. Not too much into lounging in your pajamas all day. Maybe she had too much to drink to last night.
I set down my bag at the entry of the room and hear from the TV that Bernie’s story is once again making the rounds. Everyone's speculating as to what other skeletons might come out of the closet in the coming weeks.
“Can you believe all this shit?” I ask, making my way over. I give her a chaste kiss on the lips when she looks up at me.
“It’s not entirely shocking, given his reputation in Hollywood.”
I sit beside her. “I guess, but they’re saying this is just the tip of the iceberg. We all knew the guy was a sleaze and had no respect for women, but this is something else entirely.”
She shrugs, her attention still on the screen. “How’s Lilah?”
The way she says her name with such venom takes me back, though maybe I should’ve expected it. She’s threatened by her.
“Fine. Monica, however, is amazing. She’s really taken to me. I can’t believe how much she already knows for being only five years old.”
“That’s great.” The words are positive, but her body language and tone are anything but.
Might as well get this over with.
“Lilah wants to tell Monica that I’m her father next weekend.” My heart speeds up from saying the words out loud. Soon my daughter will know who I am to her.
“You must be happy about that.” She shifts her body so that she’s half facing me.
“Of course I am. I mean, I’m nervous about how she’ll take the news, but this is what I’ve been waiting for.”
“When do I get to meet her?” She crosses her arms and tilts her head, her lips pressed into a thin line as though my answer will dictate her mood for the rest of the day.
“I’m not sure.” I squeeze her knee. “It’s a lot for her to adjust to, and she should probably get used to the idea of me being her father before she meets her new stepmom.”
She flinches at the word "stepmom," but it’s so quick I can’t be sure.
“I’ll need to run it by Lilah, but maybe in a few weeks,” I say.
“Oh, right because you need Lilah’s stamp of approval. God knows she makes the best decisions.”
I inhale what feels like my hundredth calming breath. She has to put her differences with Lilah aside.
“She really has cleaned up her act, though this whole thing with Bernie being on every news outlet shook her up. She’s worried about someone digging up her past with him and bringing it all back to the surface.”
“Not everyone would let it ruin their entire lives,” she snipes.
“You say that like you’re speaking from experience.” I study her for a moment, and when she doesn’t respond, my gut twists. Adelaide has a particular face when she’s lying. It’s the same one whether she’s surprising me with dinner or a lie about flying to Vegas with her best friend on a whim. “Adelaide? What is it? Did Bernie do something to you too?”
She stands abruptly and walks toward the window looking out to the ocean.
My mind races to think of any interactions I had with both Bernie and Adelaide. All I can come up with is when we were filming The Regulator years ago and he summoned us to my trailer— she insisted that she’d wait for me to go meet him, barely spoke, and wouldn’t make eye contact with him.
I walk up behind her and place my hands on her shoulders. “Honey, did something happen?”
She huffs out a breath and spins around. “Of course something did. Something probably happened with any female who’s ever been cast in one of his pictures. That’s just how it goes. But you move on. You don’t let it ruin you, otherwise what’s the point?”
My mouth hangs open, and after a moment of shock, my fists tighten at my sides and rage, like a hot, burning coal, pulses inside my chest.
“What did he do?” I ask between gritted teeth.
“It doesn’t matter.” She steps by me, but I gently grip her wrist, forcing her to stop.
“Tell me,” I whisper. How long has she been carrying this around? Has she ever told anyone?
“It’s no big deal. He forced himself on me, I succumbed to get the part on The Regulator. I knew a role like that could change the trajectory of my career and I was right. A few minutes on the couch was worth it.”
I’m shocked by how callous she’s being, and I can’t tell if it’s a protection mechanism or if she really can justify what he did to her.
“I’m so sorry.” I reach out, but she swats away my hand.
“I don’t need your coddling or sympathy, James. I’m not Lilah.”
Her words punch me in the gut.
“I’m only trying to console my fiancée. For fuck's sake, what you went through is traumatic. It’s not something you can just forget about.”
“Well, I did, and I moved on. I won’t be joining any pitchfork parade with all the other women he did this to.” She walks to the dining table and sits down in front of the invitations.
I’m at a loss for words. I’ve never seen her act this way. Is it the stress of the wedding coming up? The fact that I have a daughter? I can’t be sure.
When I don’t speak, she fills the silence. “Now, let’s move on. I need your opinion on the wedding invitations. They’re being printed next week.”
Pushing a hand through my hair, I walk over to the kitchen under the guise of getting a drink when really, I need space. Because I just realized from her confession that she probably had an idea of what Bernie pulled on Lilah six years ago when I went to her as a friend and confided in her.
And she didn’t say anything.
Even to this day. Even when I explained to her what Lilah told me a few weeks back, she played dumb.
But she’s a victim too and obviously masking her feelings so she doesn’t have to deal with what happened, so I don’t know if I have a right to be angry with her.
Whether it’s right or wrong though, it feels a hell of a lot like deception. Because if she had let on six years ago as to what might have happened with Lilah and Bernie, there’s no doubt in my mind I’d be living a different life right now—a life without her.
* * *
I arrive at Keane’s office with Adelaide. This will affect her too, once the press finds out about Monica.
We haven’t spoken about the Bernie thing again, and I haven’t asked why she never let me know that she might have an idea why Lilah betrayed me. At this point, my mind is a complete clusterfuck. Unless it’s some minute detail about our wedding, she’s unfazed.
“You can both go right in,” Keane’s assistant says.
“Thanks.”
We walk into his office. Keane is at his desk, and Kyra and Liz are already sitting on the sofa set in the corner.
“Hey, everyone. Thanks for meeting us on such short notice,” I say, taking a seat on the sofa. Adelaide sits beside me.
“No problem. Though you have me curious over what this is all about.” Keane raises a brow and leans back, smoothing his tie down his chest.
“Is this about the wedding?” Kyra asks.
“Definitely not,” Adelaide answers, leaning back on the couch and crossing her legs as if I dragged her here kicking and screaming.
“Are you pregnant?” Liz says, and I cringe inside.
“Adelaide isn’t pregnant.” Let’s stop the what-if game now. “Do you all remember Lilah Robbie?”
Liz scoffs. Obviously, she does. Kyra and Keane nod, though hesitantly. The happiness in Keane’s eyes is slowly faltering.
“I recently came back into contact with her and found out I have a five-year-old daughter.”
Adelaide’s hand tightens on her Starbucks cup. The other three are silent, staring and looking as dumbfounded as I probably did when Monica opened that door.
“Congratulations?” Kyra poses it as a question.
“Are you sure she’s yours?” Keane asks.
“That’s what I said,” Adelaide adds, but I ignore her quip.
“She’s mine. Haven’t done a DNA test yet, but I don’t have to. If you saw her, you’d know too.”
“Shit,” Keane says, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.
“What’s your plan?” Liz asks.
“That’s what I’m here to figure out. We need to come up with a plan to tell the press before they find out on their own, but not make a spectacle of it.”
“So you’re planning on being in the child’s life?” Kyra asks.
“Of course I am.” I’m insulted she’d even ask. “And her name is Monica.”
She nods, but her focus is only half with me. The other half of her brain is already in PR mode, trying to figure out the best way to play this.
“How’s Lilah these days?” Keane asks.
“Good. Been sober for six years. Lives and works in Kansas as a dental hygienist.”
“And she kept this from you why?” Liz asks.
“She says she was scared I’d try to take the baby from her and use her past against her to do it.”
“Makes sense,” Kyra mumbles.
“Not really,” Adelaide murmurs.
“Okay.” Keane claps once. “Let’s get down to business and figure this out.”
* * *
In the end, we decide that we’ll issue a statement to the press, acknowledging that I have a daughter but offering no further information. We know there will be all kinds of speculation and digging to try to find out whether I knew all along or if this was a recent development but there's no way to avoid that. I won't give them any answers—they don’t deserve it and anything I said could be dug up by Monica when she’s older. I'm not willing to tarnish Lilah just to satisfy the press’s unending appetite for dirt.
Kyra agreed to draft a statement that she’d send my way for approval, and after Monica knows I’m her father, we’ll release the statement. I just have to keep Monica’s existence a secret for now. Since I’ve been successful thus far, I feel pretty confident I can do it.
The only people who know about Monica are Adelaide, Tripp, Keane, Kyra, and Liz, and I trust them all.
I still have to run everything by Lilah and figure out a plan for after the announcement is made, but I feel more confident now that a plan is in place. Given that the wedding is so close, Adelaide has requested I issue my statement after the wedding and I’ve agreed so it remains our day. If I issue the statement before, my having a daughter with Lilah will overshadow our wedding. Adelaide is dealing with this newfound territory I find myself in and she deserves to have the perfect day she’s been planning.
But first, I have to tell my daughter that I’m her daddy. The best part of the plan.
* * *
I rock back and forth in the chair on Lilah’s porch, waiting for her to put Monica to bed. Seems odd to do that together.
I think about how drastically my life has changed in such a short time. For the better. Yeah, it was a shock at first and I was full of rage at Lilah in the beginning, and yes, it caused friction between Adelaide and myself, but I can't find any other reason not to think of having Monica in my life as anything less than the best thing that has ever happened to me. The more time I spend with her, the more amazed I am. She’s a beautiful little girl, yeah, but her spirit is what draws you in.
