Missing in never never l.., p.42
Missing in Never Never Land, page 42
With that he walked out of the room. Now they had to rapidly strike up an agreement about how to deal with the unknown Susan, how much to share with each other and how much each could tell Dr Sangster.
They quickly agreed they were both happy to engage this man, he was the best in his field and despite some quirky mannerisms there was no doubt about his skill. So they would jointly tell him about the murder trial, Susan’s disappearance and the inquest.
When they got to that point the barrister informed Beck that the information he held about Susan’s current situation could only be disclosed privately without Beck present, because there had been previous internal leaks from the NT government about this case. She winced internally at this, realizing she was on thin ice, and agreed that she would leave the meeting while this information was provided, then return once it was done to confirm arrangements from here.
So they called Doctor Sangster back in and began the story together.
Beck led off. The person of interest is Susan McDonald, I am not sure if you have heard of her, the sensationally labelled ‘Crocodile Woman’.
Beck watched an expressive eyebrow go up as the name was said, and a small nod to indicate that he knew exactly who she was. Over ten minutes she gave a quick summary of the agreed publicly known events from Susan first coming to Australia, travelling in the company of a man with the alias of Mark Bennet, discovering his role in the disappearance of other backpackers and then killing him. She told of the discovery of the head and forearm, the evidence linking to Susan, of her extradition to stand trial and of her guilty plea to murder, but her refusal to describe what happened and why.
She told of sentencing day with a general expectation of a twenty year sentence, then of the sensational evidence of the day about the texts linking Susan’s action to her belief that this man had killed the other backpackers, giving grounds for self-defence, then how the judge had ruled that while this was investigated Susan MacDonald be released on bail, only for her to vanish less than a week later.
Beck told of information suggesting she had become suicidal, evidence suggesting her return to the waterhole of the murder, and then of the failure of all further inquiries to determine her fate. Beck said there had been a general view that she was dead but with lots of doubters who thought she had fled justice. Beck told how the inquest had returned an open finding about her fate while also making a finding that, despite her guilty plea, there was good evidence she had acted in self-defence.
Beck then told of recent contact by parties claiming to represent her, indicating she was alive but had a total memory loss of these events and refusing to disclose her location. She also told him that the desire of those she represented was to resolve her legal situation with the idea of a pardon based on the inquest evidence along with her inability to testify. But in order for this they needed an assessment of her mental state, so as to determine whether the memory loss appeared genuine. They also sought advice on the risk of further harm should she become aware of what had happened before, or if was returned to jail or subjected to further legal processes.
When Beck had finished her recitation, Ross Sangster leaned back, flexed his fingers and looked at her intently. “Well you have certainly described a situation which captures my interest. Of course you are asking me to play God and tell you consequences of finding out unremembered events, which is unknowable, but I can at least evaluate her current psychiatric state and point out what the key risks are. They are likely to be great.”
Beck returned his ironic tone, “Well, I had not quite mistaken you for God, but as I read you biography, it appears that you are generally regarded as the nearest thing to his surrogate in your field in Australia. So I can settle for an expert opinion from God’s deputy.”
He nodded and smiled back, almost warmly, “Well I think you have given me all you can for now about the events up to the disappearance. Now I need to talk to your colleague in private to find out what he can tell me about what has happened since then.
“There is an excellent coffee shop just around the corner from my office. I suggest you allow an hour before you return for us to have a full and frank discussion about the next part. Then, after that, hopefully we can wrap it up fairly quickly and agree on what we need to do from here on.”
So she went and sat in the coffee shop, drinking tea this time. She found herself thinking about this strange man who had burst into her life. He was not particularly physically attractive, though he could improve that with more attention to his grooming. But he had a mind full of sharp edges. They drew her in, challenged and intrigued her own mind. He was a few years older than her, perhaps eight or ten. He had probably got to a stage in his life where his peculiarities where no longer as well held in check and he did not socialise enough outside of his work to knock off his rough edges. But meeting this man with a razor sharp intelligence which probed and tested her own was enjoyable. She had an ill-defined desire to see more of whatever was hidden below that veneer.
When her phone rang and jolted her back into reality she realized she had been musing for a good half hour. It was time to return to the meeting. Quickly they finalised the contractual arrangements for the fees, examination and report preparation, along with the need for the doctor to be available for legal examination in the NT if required. They agreed on how the client visit was to be managed. Beck agreed to document it and email it out, then each side would come back with their own confirmation within a week.
One thing she asked for and, surprisingly, the other two agreed to, was for the examination to be videoed and the video, at least an edited version, be provided to her to accompany the report. The video was to include shots of both the doctor and patient, with Susan’s face obscured if required. It would cover several questions and the answers which were made.
She knew it would convey a much stronger impression of a real person than any report could. She thought it may help garner support from the Executive Government to seek a pardon. She also had to admit that she felt a burning curiosity to see this girl, how she looked and how she acted, another two years on from when she had last seen her in the witness box.
Chapter 20 – Real Mind Games
It was the middle of February before the examination with Dr Sangster could be scheduled. By now the NT Attorney General had the advice sought from the former High Court judge. While less fulsome than Beck would have liked it gave the view that a pardon could be used in this situation.
They also had a letter from Susan’s parents seeking a pardon for their daughter. It emphasised her cooperation in giving her testimony after release from jail and that this was supported by the inquest findings. It added weight to the legal advice. From the point of view of her boss, the Attorney General, that was a good enough basis to take the request to Executive Government once the assessment of Susan’s mental state was made.
In Brisbane, Vic now sat in the waiting room, while Jane waited at the motel minding the children. He had insisted on a pre-meeting with the Doctor, Ross Sangster before Jane came in, first thing tomorrow.
Her examination was scheduled from 7 am to 8am to ensure that it occurred before anyone else was on the premises. A pre-positioned video camera was to be behind and to the side of where she was sitting. This along with a microphone in front would record what occurred. Vic had the right to see the video tape with the barrister and remove any sensitive parts before a copy was provided for others to view.
Vic had asked to be able to attend the meeting with Susan but this been had declined by Dr Sangster, saying it may interfere with how she acted and responded and it would compromise his own independent evaluation.
Instead Dr Sangster suggested this pre-meeting this afternoon, saying it would allow him to gather further information about Susan, the only name he knew her by. It would also provide Vic with an opportunity to ask his own questions about what was to occur.
So now Vic was just waiting for this, full of anticipation and trepidation at how it could go wrong. He realized that he was jumping at shadows but still it found him on the edge of the chair with anxiety as he sat there. He decided he needed to clear his mind and focus on the now, how to best protect his Jane. So he pictured her smiling face and her playing with David and Anne. He found it helped him to be calm.
A tall, lanky man walked into the room. H had an overgrown beanpole look, straggly dark hair, mismatched clothes and a slightly weird demeanour. He looked like a mental patient.
Vic felt annoyed at another person being here. Dr Sangster, when they talked yesterday, promised he would be here by himself. Vic asked for this precaution to be extra safe, so no-one else could identify him here.
So what was another person doing being here? Vic was on the edge of getting up and walking out when he realized this strange looking man was talking to him, “Vic Campbell I presume,” he said as he held out his big hand
Vic realized he had mistaken the doctor for a patient. He felt less than reassured and was about to say something cutting.
But the Doctor beat him too it. As he spoke, Vic realized that, despite his weird look, this guy was seriously sharp. “I know I could be mistaken. But, despite your sceptical look, I am really not a madhouse inmate come to visit, Ross Sangster, at your service.”
Vic found himself laughing, “Well I guess my face gave me away Doc, but I have to admit it, you sure had me fooled.”
The Doctor led him out the back and offered him coffee and a chocolate cookie biscuit, while they sat and chatted.
When the coffees were finished this man looked at Vic intently again and said. “First you can stop calling me Doctor, My name is Ross. Second I need to know about this person, Susan. I understand she lives with you, along with her two children.
“I know you are very concerned to keep her location hidden. I don’t need to know where you live. But I need to know about her life, anything at all she remembers, what she does each day, about any friends, where she goes, her interests, what she knows and does not know?
“When I talk to her I must be very careful. I need to ask her questions that demonstrate her knowledge and lack of it. But in doing so I must not undermine her current sense of who she is and cause more damage.”
Vic said, “Well, you need to start by calling her Jane. I did know a Susan once. They tell me the tests show this is the same person, the same DNA or whatever you call it. But the person who lives in this body now is no longer Susan, she knows herself only as Jane, she remembers none other.
“Any suggestion she is not Jane will distress her greatly, it is the only piece of identity she had to hold onto. So you must not suggest that she is another person called Susan.
“It seems to me as if more than just her memory has gone; it is as if the part of her, the part called Susan in another life, has been ripped out of her body and mind. Into that vacuum, a new person has moved in and taken up residence. That person is Jane.
“She is the warmest and loveliest person I have ever met. But she is like a person held together by bits of sticky tape. The bits could easily come apart if something else bad was to happen. Then I don’t know what would be left, if there would still be any person there? But the thought it could happen scares the Bejesus out of me. So you need to be careful, really careful.”
Dr Sangster did not reply at once. At first he nodded but said nothing. Then he remained looking intently at Vic, as if deep in contemplation. Finally he spoke. “What do you think? Where have all the memories gone? Are they still sitting somewhere deep inside her, buried to stop the pain, or have they really vanished, been torn out and got lost, so they can never be recovered? Does she need that part of her back?”
Vic shrugged, uncertain what to say, so the doctor continued.
“I know you do not know the answers, but these are things you need to think about. Today and tomorrow, only a small bit of what I need to do is to confirm this girl has lost her past and along with it her memories. I don’t need to see her to know that, it is abundantly clear from all I have been told. It fits as the only way for her to escape from an impossible situation, short of her own death. I think suicide must have come very close to her, feeling like a best friend she wanted to take control of her life, to let the pain end.
“Still I must make it appear to others, the lawyers, that my purpose is to assess her memory. I must go through the motions. But it is not my reason to see her, any half competent doctor or psychologist could do this part.
Vic asked, “Why then?”
“My first concern is to be gentle. She has suffered enough. Denying her past was her only way through the pain without destroying herself. Neither of us needs to be Einstein to know that.
“But the real question I put to you, as the person who carries care for this damaged person the deepest, is: What should we do about it? Do we need to try and join the old and the new? Does she need to reconnect to her old self in order to live a full and happy life? Or is she better to be left to begin again, to have a new life with the old one left completely behind, baggage of another person?
“That is the real question. That is the thing you need to think on before I meet with her. It will help shape what I do at the meeting and afterwards.
“Do I try to find the pieces of her old life and help her mind to connect them to her new life, or do I help her to bury them in an unfindable place, where they can never bring back the pain?”
Now it was Vic’s turn for silence, it was such a great responsibility, such a fraught choice. He thought of the girl he now knew. She was utterly beautiful, bewitching, kind and good. Yet, without a past, she was an emotional child.
He loved that child. But when he remembered the adult he had known, just briefly before, he realized the loss, the incompleteness. It was like the colours she was unable to see, her life was missing dimensions of existence that others had. It felt safer to leave her this way but it was not enough.
And in his heart of hearts he knew it was not a safe place for her either. The bright smile that covered the sticky taped pieces, still broken though held together, was inherently unstable. Without making real new joins between the old and new persons there was no resilience, without finding the old the new could never be much more than a shell.
Yes he loved her and she loved him and it was good. But it was not near enough, much more was needed to make her complete. Ultimately his own completeness was inextricably linked to hers, so she needed her to re-know herself too in order to know him.
The “I don’t know you but I want you” song from “Once” was true but it sold them both short. He wanted more than that for them both.
As these thoughts swirled through his mind he remained silent, only half aware of the other’s intense eyes, watching him. Now he had it clear in his mind he could answer.
“You are right, I have thought it through and now I know. We must try and find a way to build a bridge between the old Susan and the new Jane. They are both wonderful people, but they both need to know and value the other to form one complete whole. So, frightened as I am by what this all means, we must try to find a way to bring them back together, for the sake of many people who know and love her, but mostly for her own sake.”
Ross Sangster nodded. “I hoped that you would see that. My intuition told me the same. But, not knowing her, it is not something I could know with certainty. I feel much better if we are both agreed on that.
“My real responsibility is of course to her, she is my patient, assuming you and she agree. But I need your help and support. What we must try to do is part exorcism, part healing. It will be hard and painful for us all so I need your belief in this for when the dark days come.
“As we open the cracks to allow the healing to begin so too the pain will come back. It will be hard for her, but in many ways it will be harder for you, watching the bringing of pain to one you love.”
“Now you must tell me all you know of this person, both from before and after, but particularly from after. Even though neither of us can see them now, in the new person are clues to direct our way back to the old.”
The sun had fully set and the room was only lit by light coming in from the river by the time the talking was done. Vic returned to the hotel to find this woman, sitting on the floor with her children on her lap. It was beautiful and touching, a child with her children. He loved her with all he knew, but yet he knew he wanted all of the old to come back along with the new.
Chapter 21 – Memory Flashes
Ross Sangster brought two comfortable chairs into his examination room, separated by a low coffee table, in preparation for his early morning meeting before he and Vic parted last night. Then he set up the camera.
They decided, at the end of their meeting, to tell Jane that the reason for the visit was that Doctor Sangster was going to try and help her remember things from her past. If she agreed, he would begin with trying to help her remember more of her childhood before she came to Australia. Regardless of his agreement to do this assessment of her, he would only go beyond initial introductions if she agreed to this.
Vic had only told Jane thus far that he would like her to come to Brisbane with him and meet a doctor friend of his who had some ideas on how to help people get back their memory. He had said he hoped she would be happy to talk to this doctor.
She had answered that she would meet him though she did not feel she needed to remember her past now that she and Vic were fully together and happy. But she would do it for him if it pleased him.
So, this morning, he helped her feed and dress the children, then he said he would take the children for a walk in the park for an hour while she met the Doctor. After they would meet at a café for a delicious cooked breakfast, bacon and eggs for him, coffee and pastries for her and treats for the kids.
Vic and Jane were staying in a hotel just two blocks away so he and the children walked with her to the meeting place.
