Braved, p.20
BRAVED, page 20
“I suppose maybe it does have a little to do with how grateful I am to you for taking care of Aislinn.” He sighed. “I haven’t been honest with her. She deserves that. Maybe she can handle it now. She’s almost like a different person. She’s found some strength. She has a lot more fight inside her than she did a month ago.”
“Uh, yeah.” I winced. “That might be ’cause of Billie. Sorry.”
“Sorry? I love it. Seeing my sister with confidence and a desire to live her life? I can’t even tell you how happy that makes me.”
“I guess Billie has that effect on people. She did on me too.”
“Well, then she’s meant to be a part of all of this too. My mom would say, ‘The girl that should have you, hold tight to her.’”
“That’s my plan. She just doesn’t know it yet.” I decided right then and there: I was goin’ after Billie. I just had one more thing to take care of first.
I cleared my throat.
Three of my brothers sat around the old kitchen table that had been dragged out to the arena office years ago. It was faded, dinged, wobbly, and ugly. Finn was on my laptop, grinnin’ at me through Zoom. I stood at the head of the table while they joked and argued and made fun of Finn’s tiny head on the screen. Finally, I cleared my throat again, louder this time, and Jack looked up.
“Shut up, y’all. Jay’s got somethin’ to say.”
Noddin’ to Jack, I took a deep breath. “So… Theo has offered to donate his money for our program. We’d have to designate the new business as a nonprofit. It would, of course, exclude our breedin’ program, and we would still run that as a separate, profit-based company. He’s hired Brady Douglas to set it up. Anybody object to that? Free money?”
Nobody said anything. They all just stared up at me.
“It would make it possible for us to help a lotta people without havin’ to worry about the ranch turnin’ a profit. And Theo pointed out that, with the renovations we’ve planned for the arena, we’ll have more room for our breedin’ program. We could grow that too.”
I looked at each of my brothers. “But it’s gonna mean big changes real quick. We won’t have to start slowly. While the reno’s happenin’, we can start lookin’ for horses to train. We’ll all need some trainin’ ourselves so we know what to expect. There are a lot of things to consider. I’ve found a large equine therapy barn in Montana. Pas Edgemont over at Wild Heart Ranch used to work there. They’ve had a great deal of success, and we’re gonna go up there to learn from ’em. I’ve already spoken to the owner. We just have to set up some dates.
“And there’s gonna be a lotta new people on the ranch every day.” I looked at Jack and raised my eyebrows.
“Okay,” he said.
“Okay. Good. Also”—I took a deep breath, as if I could inhale more confidence—“I’m takin’ over. I want all the bills and accounts for the ranch. All that stuff can be done online. It all needs to be streamlined. We need a better website and online presence, so I’ll need all the account information and passwords for those.
“Jack, you’ll still deal with our breedin’ customers since you’ve already cultivated those relationships over the years. But everything else goes through me. If you need supplies, if you have questions, unless they pertain to the actual trainin’ of the horses, come to me.
“Oh, and Kev? You’re the official Cade Ranch photographer. You’re gonna be donatin’ your services.” I smirked at him, and he rolled his eyes but nodded and smiled. “We need all new pics of our current stock, and then when the new horses get here, pics of them. I want photos of the property, the barns, the house. And once we’re up and runnin’, I want you to take candids of the clients with our horses, as long as they or their parents sign off on their images bein’ used. Just take pics of everything. It’s all gonna be used online and for brochures we can send out to area doctors and therapist offices. Dean, you’ll take those to the Veteran’s Center.”
There was about a minute of silence, and eyebrows all around the table raised. All eyes were on Jack. Baby Jay orderin’ Big Jack around didn’t happen every day. In fact, it never had before. I planted my feet, gritted my teeth, and waited for the argument.
“Thank God,” Jack said, and he slapped his hand on the tabletop so hard that I jumped a little. “I hate doin’ all that shit. Finn’s supposed to help me”—Jack eyed the little square box on my computer’s screen with Finn’s face in it, and Finn grimaced—“but he’s got about a four-second attention span. I wanna be outside in the sunshine. I want my nose filled with heated dirt again. I’m tired of sittin’ behind that stupid desk. It feels like a prison. I been waitin’ on you, Jay. What took so damn long?”
All I could do was laugh. “Wha—ah, you… What?”
“Alright then,” Dean said. “Let’s get to work.”
“Uh, wait,” I said. “Throw this stupid table out. I ordered a new table. I ordered all new office furniture. We’re gonna have to keep this place up, guys. The house needs paintin’, inside and out. Oh, and by the way, I’m done shovelin’ shit. It’s time we found more volunteers for that crap. Literally.”
Kev laughed. “How long you been waitin’ to say that out loud?”
Heavin’ a sigh, I said, “You have no idea, brother.”
Everybody stood, and each one of my brothers walked over to slap me on the back. Finn smooched at me, cooin’, “I wuv you, baby Jay. Good job, little dude,” and I smirked and slammed my laptop closed.
Jack stayed behind as our brothers all filed out the door. When they were gone, he flipped his green baseball cap backward, wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and said, “I’m proud of you, Jay. And thank you.”
“But I tried to get you to—”
“Yeah, but back then, I wasn’t ready. And then you weren’t. I been waitin’ on you to figure this out for yourself. If I’d ordered you to do it, would you feel the same pride you do now?” A slow smile spread across his face.
Chucklin’, I shook my head. “No, brother, I reckon not.”
“Alright, well, all I gotta say is… have fun bein’ Finn and Kevin’s boss.” He snorted. “They’re all yours.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Billie
“Cedar Hill Cemetery, please,” I said, scooting into the back of a taxi at the airport in Hartford, Connecticut, my hometown.
I hadn’t been there since I left for MIT after high school. When I quit college, all I wanted to do was get as far away from my past and my mother as I could. Oregon was on the opposite side of the country, but still, it never felt far enough.
The memories and images flew at me, and it felt like I had to try to swim through them to the surface so I could breathe. We hadn’t lived by the airport or the cemetery, so I didn’t see my old stomping grounds, but just being back there, smelling the river, feeling the familiar crisp fall air, it all brought me back.
I was so ensconced in my memories of Jessie that I didn’t even hear the cabbie trying to get my attention.
“Miss? Miss. Miss!”
“Oh, sorry.”
The guy rolled his eyes in the rearview, and it reminded me of Jay telling me my eyes would get stuck upside down. I smiled despite my gloom and doom.
“We’re here.”
I nodded, tossing fifty bucks through the little plexiglass window between the seats. “Thanks.”
Taking a deep breath as he drove away, I slung my backpack over my shoulder, and then I just walked. I remembered where Jessie’s grave was, but I had to work my way up to it. I stalked the cemetery grounds like some creepy emo chick trying to find inspiration for her super-gothic, angsty makeup tutorial on pinstagrambook.
The architecture of the buildings and grave markers were kind of cool though. Old and new world-y. I laughed out loud when it occurred to me it had probably been the reason my mother had chosen the cemetery—because it felt rich. It would’ve impressed her pompous friends, the Jewish who’s who of Hartford.
Finally, when I approached Jessie’s grave marker, I read her name out loud. “Jesamin Anastasia Acker. Beloved daughter.” I snorted. “What was our mother smoking when she named us? Seriously. We sound like spoiled two-bit princesses twice removed from some tiny European country no one can ever remember the name of.”
Dropping my backpack, I sat on it next to Jessie’s headstone. “Hey, Jes. How ya doin’?” I sighed and my whole body slumped. “I know you’re not really here, but Matilda the Money Hungry Hun called last week to remind me you were dead.” I scoffed and shook my head. “Like I could forget? I guess I just—I needed to be somewhere connected to you. I couldn’t go home. The house is gone now, replaced by a Stepford wives development. There’s no one there.
“I miss you so much,” I whispered, and the tears literally poured out of my eyes. “Every single day. I miss your laugh. I miss your optimism. I don’t have any, and sometimes, I think it’s because you took all mine with you when you left. I miss your strength. God, you never got mad when she tried to manage you. When she made you change your hair or your clothes to fit the image she wanted everyone to see when they looked at the perfect Acker family. How did it not make you furious? I hate her for it.
“How did her constant berating and picking and judging not drag you down? I still can’t get up. I still look in the mirror every day and see… less than. Ugly. Fat. Unappealing. Remember? She always used to say that. ‘You look so unappealing. Do better.’
“And then, when she found out what had been happening, she did nothing. She wouldn’t because her brother held all her cards. The money. He should be in jail, Jessie, for what he did to you. He should be dead. I will never forgive her. Never.
“My friend Carey wouldn’t let me kill him, but I did, maybe, redirect Uncle Ray’s, um, funds to a sexual abuse charity. They even sent him a thank you card and a T-shirt with their logo, and on the back, it said, ‘Stop the abuse.’”
I laughed through my tears. “Think he wears it?”
Picking at the strands of grass growing up the sides of Jessie’s grave, I was still trying to avoid what I needed to say. What I came to say.
I needed my sister. I needed her advice.
“It looks like someone keeps up your grave. It can’t be Matilda, so I guess it must be the groundskeepers here. I wonder if they know how lucky they are to see your name every day. You know, I hadn’t said your name out loud until recently. I just—I couldn’t. It hurt too much. But…
“But then Jay—Jonathan. He just waltzed right in and—it’s so stupid. I barely know him.” Huffing a breath, I flicked my tears away with my fingers. “But I know him, you know? I know the doubt he feels about himself because I feel that way too. But don’t you let him fool you. He wears a mask too. Only his isn’t made of smudgy makeup and short skirts or sarcasm. His is made of shyness and quiet.
“But what am I supposed to do, Jes? Tell me what to do. I love him and I know you think it’s stupid, but I do. I want to. But what if he really does see past all of this, past my masks? What if he doesn’t like what’s there? What if he thinks I’m unappealing?”
I could hear Jessie in my head. She said, “He won’t.”
And even though I knew I was hallucinating, I answered, “But what if he does? How do you know? ’Cause then I’ll be left standing there, exposed for all the world to see, alone again. I don’t know if I can handle that. It took years to build this mask. How did he rip it down so fast? Damn him.”
“Wilhelmina?”
Jumping straight up off the ground, I squeaked, “Shit!” My mother was standing right behind me. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I-I moved home. I’ve been coming here a lot.”
“Oh.” I exhaled slowly, trying to slow my heart.
“I heard what you said.”
“You heard me? Which part?”
“Most of it, I think. You were right. You are right.” She closed her eyes, whispering, “I’m so sorry,” but then, taking a deep breath, she opened them again and stared right at me. “I let you both down in the most awful way. I failed to protect you and Jesamin. And, what’s worse, after she died, I abandoned you. I left you to fend for yourself. There’s no excuse.”
Realizing I was posted in front of Jessie’s grave like a guard, I relaxed my shoulders and stepped to the side, and my mother looked at the headstone and cried.
I didn’t know what to do, what to say, so I just stood there. I’d figured living in the lap of luxury with rich men all over the world would have kept her young, but she looked old. I hadn’t seen her in more than five years, and that time hadn’t been kind to her. Her hair was a lusterless mousy brown color, minus her patented chunky highlights, and she had dark circles under eyes.
The anger I’d felt for so long tried to surface, but something about the way her whole body shook with sobs pushed it down. But I didn’t go to her.
I waited, breathing quietly. Wishing Jay was by my side. Wishing I could hold his hand.
“I’m sorry,” she said when she could control it. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry when I finally spoke to you. But seeing you here, with Jes—Jessie. Oh, Billie. I know I don’t deserve it, and you will probably never forgive me but—” She sniffled. “My therapist said I shouldn’t ask for your forgiveness yet. That I should tell you how sorry I am, but that I shouldn’t ask anything of you because your pain isn’t about me.”
She wiped her tears away with her coat sleeve. It looked like a regular old discount store coat, not designer, for sure, with its tacky vinyl sheen. And holy shit. She was seeing a therapist? “But, Billie, I’m here. I’m here now. For you. If you want me. If you need me. I found a job, and I’ve been saving money to pay you back for all the times you bailed me out.”
I meant to be rude, but my words came out in a whisper, “I don’t want your money.”
“Still, I’m going to keep saving. And I have a lot of work to do… emotionally. I have a lot to learn about self-acceptance. I unloaded my own insecurities onto you and Jessie. I let you believe you weren’t enough, weren’t good enough. But, Billie, you are. You’re more than enough. And I’m proud of the woman you have become. I’m proud that you help people.”
For some reason, I couldn’t stop blinking. Or swallowing. There was a huge lump in my throat, and I had no clue what to say.
“So, you have a young man?” She smiled apprehensively, like she thought I might rip her head off just for asking the question. A fair assumption, judging by our last phone conversation. “What’s his name?”
“Jay. Jonathan. His name is Jonathan.”
“That’s a nice name.” She reached her arm toward me. “Y-you said on the phone that I was getting in the way of you having a relationship with this man. So, I was wondering”—biting her lip, she pulled her hand back, clutching her fingers in a tight fist—“is there anything I can do? To help?”
I snorted at the absurdity. “Like what? You wanna come with me to Wyoming so you can explain to him why your awful parenting caused me to be a jerk to him?” I shook my head. “Thanks, but that’s on me. It’s not your fault. It’s mine and I need to apologize. Even if he never forgives me, I have to try.” The irony of the words did not escape me. “You can’t help me with that.” I shrugged. “But thanks. For offering. I guess.”
“Okay,” she said, laughing a little. “Yes, that makes sense. Good decision, not taking your mother with you to try to reconcile with your boyfriend.” She smiled a little. “But would you maybe have time for coffee before you go to Wyoming?”
I looked back at Jessie’s grave, imagining her ruffling my hair. She would say, “Go for it, Billie. Love them. Let them love you. You deserve it.”
When I returned to the Jackson airport and stepped out onto the curb for a ride-share, wouldn’t you know it, Marla, my five-star driver, rolled down her window and waved.
“Hi! Guess we made an impression on you last time you were here, huh? Hop in. So, you’re headed back out to that ranch?”
“Yeah,” I said, sliding into her backseat.
“Do you work out there?”
“No.”
She glanced in the rearview. “Sorry, we don’t have to chat.”
I remembered my first drive with Marla and wanted to kick myself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude to you last time. I have… issues.”
“Oh.” She smiled awkwardly, avoiding my eyes in the mirror. “S’okay. Not everybody likes small talk. I get it.”
“Marla?” Pulling up to a red light, she turned to look at me. “I’m an ass. I’m really sorry. I’m just not good at it. I’m not good at talking to people. It’s a defense mechanism, but I’m trying to be better.” Great, I could tell by her nervous giggle that I was making things worse.
I tried again. “I-I was kind of working at the ranch. I’m a private detective. Well, kind of, but I’m good at finding people. Someone was missing, and my friend asked me to help.”
“Really? That’s so cool. Well, so, did you find them?”
I chuckled under my breath when she stepped on the gas but looked back at me expectantly in the mirror. She was smiling openly again. Seriously, that was all it took? A little honesty? Well, I could give her that. “I did. We did. Jay and me. He’s—well, he’s kind of my boyfriend. At least, I hope he still wants to be. That’s why I’m going back…”
By the time Marla dropped me off, we’d exchanged cell numbers, and I’d promised to text her to let her know how it went with Jay. She was still a little too peppy for my taste, and I thought if I ever encountered her in the morning, I might be tempted to strangle her with her bouncy curls, but I grudgingly also thought maybe she could teach me how to relate and talk to people. I planned on trying to learn anyway.
She drove away, and I turned and was confronted with the sun setting over the mountain in the distance. It was orangey-pink, with little wisps of purple streaking through the clouds. Evvie waved from the pasture where she stood with Aislinn, petting a yellow horse. They looked friendly with each other, so I hoped Evvie had been a better friend to Ace than I had been. I would need to address that. But first…
