Dude im completely lost, p.1
Dude, I'm Completely Lost, page 1
Dude, I'm Completely Lost
James N. Griffith
Copyright © 2023 by James N. Griffith
All rights reserved.
No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher or author, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
Contents
Dedication
1. Dude, I’m Completely Lost
2. He who hesitates is lost
3. Lost Market Value
4. Losing his goddamned mind
5. Lost Temper
6. Lost at Sea
7. Lost Treasure
8. Epilogue
The Inkfort Publishing Derby
Dedicated to everyone who has supported and joined me in this wild (mis)adventure. You inspire me to make bold choices.
Chapter one
Dude, I’m Completely Lost
Thank you so much for your support in this Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip ™(DUDE: LOST™). As an early investor in this project, you will have access to all the premium features of this app that the protagonist Jack Purdue will have to work very hard to unlock.
Thank you for investing in this project. Without your support, we would never be able to share the Veltraverse.
Otis Smog
Chapter two
He who hesitates is lost
Ding! Unknown Error 3940384 has occurred, unable to load map. Please contact tech support.
“I need a vacation” Jack rubbed his temples as he stared at his screen. He had no fucking clue what he was doing. It was a familiar feeling.
As tech support, this was his problem to solve. A problem that he had no idea where to even start looking for the cause. He glanced at the clock, 4:47 p.m. The workday was almost over. Soon he could go home. Home where Faye was, he smiled at that thought. He had spent all day caring pretending to care about bugs in a predatory crypto mobile game. Only 13 more minutes till he could go back to things he cared about. He supposed he had enough time to look to see if there was any documentation for this particular bug.
He had gone to school to study game development. He had big dreams of creating the games he loved so much growing up. Making it in the game industry wasn't easy. There was a lot of competition, the pay was mediocre, and the hours terrible. Just to get a foot in the door you had to swallow your pride and work on shitty mobile games you didn't care about. Jack had student loans to pay off. It was remarkable how the need for food and housing could motivate someone to compromise with their values.
When he started he was told that everyone started in quality assurance. Then the CEO's son immediately started working as a dev. When he inquired about a raise and promotion he was told that there simply wasn't enough money in the budget.
Growing up you were sold on this map. Get an education, get a job, and you will be able to afford a house and start a family. Jump through these hoops and the future is yours. He was beginning to suspect that the map he had been sold was similar to a map of Atlantis. Someone may have written lines on the page but it doesn't mean it isn't fiction. He had followed the map to the very edge. Here there be NO dragons. Only bills and chores and responsibilities.
5:00 p.m. He took a deep breath, collected his belongings, and exited the labyrinth of cubicles. On his bike ride home he saw some wildflowers growing in the field. On a whim, he stopped and gathered a few different varieties. He didn't really know the names. He knew that Faye would love them and that was enough.
Finally, he was home. It was a modest two-bedroom in a larger apartment complex. The space was small. It was a busy, cluttered place, with art projects thrown all over the place. In the living room, he saw Faye working intently on some infographic. He stood there for a moment watching the way her pen moved to create bold lines. Her arms were covered in colorful tattoos. Her hair was short and neon purple. He admired the way she would have a vision and would make it a reality. Even if in this case she was just doing graphic design for some corporation.
When it came to life Jack did not know what he was doing, but when he looked at his girlfriend Faye he knew that he had done something right. She was a beam of sunlight in every room. He walked up to her hugging her from the back enjoying the smell of her hair. "I got you some flowers."
"Oh," she said. Her expression was a little frazzled before she let out a small smile but without releasing the tension on her face. "Thanks."
"Babe, what's messing up your vibe?"
She turned to him, smiled weakly, and took a deep anxious breath before saying "Jack, I think I am pregnant."
Jack felt like had touched one of the zappy orbs at the science center that animefies your hair. "Oh" he wasn't ready, did she want to keep it, or was he supposed to be supportive if she didn't?
Him? A father. Fuck.
Faye a mother? He had a gentle smile at that idea.
Their child. The thought had enough weight that he knew he would struggle lifting it at the gym.
"Dope," he said. He stood there like a deer in the headlights. "I am gonna need some dope. Imma just go to the store and get some weed to help me think. You want anything ?"
Her eyes had started with worry but now showed mild amusements. "Jack, we need to have more of a conversation than that. But if you insist on going. Get me some coke"
"We can have that conversation once I have some weed. " He thought about making a quip about exposing the baby to cocaine but that felt like making an assumption about what Faye wanted. He stood there awkwardly for a beat and then left without saying anything more. Already he was running. Running as if that was all it took to escape the crushing responsibilities that came with adulthood.
"Don't take too long," she said. The words were muted by the wind.
There he stood in front of the weed store "Out of this World Tripping" Jack never paid much attention to the storefront. Today, he would take any distraction. In the windows, you could see a variety of rainbow-colored bongs. Whatever your sexuality or gender there was a bong for it. To enter the store you had to pass through a beaded curtain. Opening the door set off a chime. You could hear some Zen meditation music throughout the store. The most striking thing was the smell. The shop was covered in haze from the burning incense. The shelves were crammed with a thousand different knick-knacks. New age crystals, tarot decks, and instruments from all over the globe.
"Jack ma boi" exclaimed the shopkeep. What brings you to my store today?
"Yo, Varsavy my man, I need the best stuff you got." Varsavy matched the mystique of his store well. He had a well-groomed curly mustache and neatly trimmed beard. His clothes were a mishmash of a variety of different cultures. Jack had always felt like he was wearing a costume but he wasn't sure what the costume was supposed to be. Varsavy definitely exuded an exotic vibe that was so stereotypical that it didn't quite feel real. Jack couldn't think of any culture that it represented. Not that Jack had many opportunities to travel. He would have liked to. He dreamed of taking Faye to Paris but such dreams were hard to come by when saddled with student debt.
"My babe just told me she be preggers. That's too much for me to handle, man. Right now I need to disconnect from this reality."
"Say no more, Jack my pal. I have just the thing. With just one inhalation of this will take you on a one-way trip out of this world. You'll be free of all your earthly concerns"
"Sold," Jack said, while throwing some cash onto the counter. "Mind if I use the backroom?"
"By all means." Varsavy had the wide smile of a merchant who just struck a great bargain. He pulled back the purple curtain that led to the smoking parlor, the rooms were lined with cushions. The smoke was thick enough to choke on.
He lit up the joint. He closed his eyes and took a deep inhalation before exhaling. The smoke surrounded him. He was enveloped in a plume of haze.
DING!
He jumped as he heard the jarring sound of the Microsoft status window. He opened his eyes there in front stood a pair of floating shades.
[Congratulations!]
You have been selected to participate in the Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant: Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip ™.
Jack cringed in pain upon hearing the name.
Hello, I am Shadesy and I will be your guide for this trip. You have been assigned the class of tourist. You are level 1.
He saw an anthropomorphic pair of sunglasses. Its handles bent to form its mouth as it spoke. It reminded Jack of Clippy. It felt like some corporate committee had looked at Clippy and went "What if we try to make Clippy cooler?" This had failed. Miserably.
He appeared to be floating in some pale blue void. Jack had to wonder if what he was seeing was the result of the drugs. This felt too real. He felt none of the fogginess of weed “This is a nightmare and I am hallucinating.” he declared, hoping that saying it would make it true. Jack almost felt shame that his hallucinations would involve computer status screens.
[Hallucinations are not permitted during the onboarding process for the Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip! We pride ourselves in creating an unforgettable experience so any mind-altering function that could hinder your ability to remember the start of your trip will be blocked during the onboarding phase]
With a forlorn sigh, Jack accepted that he might not be hallucinating still he repeated "This is a fucking nightmare."
"We assure you that Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip ™ is
a dream come true."
As a level 1 tourist, you have the following skills.
[Skills]
Air of Ignorance.
Cultural ignorance. You are a tourist but not a very good one. You did not do any research on the local cultures before traveling here. People can just tell you are not from around here.
Friendly inhabitants might be more willing to cut you some slack. But there will be some emotional distance between you. You will always be seen as a stranger
Scam artists will flock to you like vultures circling a wounded animal.
[Language Proficiency]
Unilingual. Knowing other languages is the key that opens up the treasures other languages have to offer. You have none of these keys. This pathway is blocked for you.
[Inventory]
A shirt, some jeans, a wallet, and some keys.
[Achievement Unlocked: Travelling Light]:
Usually, when people go on a trip they pack some luggage. Not you apparently. All you brought was your wallet, phone and the clothes on your back.
As a reward please receive the following item.
Lantern of the Lost
A mystical artifact that shines brightest when near something lost. The lantern cannot be lost.
The lantern appeared in Jack’s hands. His arm drooped from the weight. He supposed it weighed about 10 pounds. There was a handle to hold it. There was an intricate spiral made by the metal frame that held the glass panels together. Very faintly on the bottom of the lantern were inscribed the words: Not all who wander are lost. The top was open and flames were exposed to the top. The colors of the flames shifted all the time. The bottom was a rounded triangle. He doubted it would sit comfortably on the ground. Regardless he went to set it down. If he could just dig into the ground he was sure he could get it to balance. The moment the lantern lost touch with him it reappeared in his hand. He lowered his arm to hang below his waist. The lantern grew brighter the closer it was to him.
“How very funny,” he said in a painfully dry tone. “The lantern considers me lost.”
Isn't it awesome?
There were many words that came to Jack’s mind to describe a cumbersome, impossible-to-lose, constantly shining magic lantern. Awesome was not one of them.
I am here to welcome you to the world of Veltra. To access the full DUDE: LOST ™ experience you will first need to complete the tutorial.
He stared at the knockoff Clippy and asked. I would like to go home. How can I do that?
The Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip has a 100% satisfaction rate. To satisfy the conditions of Trip. You need to have the most incredibly life-changing fun time ever! Only once you have the best trip will you be able to return home.
"How does one have the best trip ever?" he asked while gritting his teeth.
Remember, the "best trip ever" is subjective and unique to each individual. No unforgettable mind-blowing best DUDE: LOST TM is the same. There are many paths you can take in your trip that will lead to becoming the pinnacle of a traveler.
What is the fastest way I could achieve that goal?
Traveling is about enjoying the moment. You can't rush life-changing experiences. Hurrying a gobstobbingly mind-blowing trip is just not done.
Jack realized this was just like his job. He just had to troubleshoot the software till he got the output he wanted. At the very least he knew how to navigate poorly designed UI. He tried again “What criteria will you use to evaluate if a trip is the ‘best trip ever’ ?”
At a minimum, you need to earn at least
1 platinum tourist achievement
5 extraordinary traveler achievements.
20 silver achievements
100 Copper achievements
Become a Level 100 Tourist.
Jack regretted having left Faye so abruptly. He wasn't sure if he was ready to be a dad today. Nor what was the right decision to make, but regardless of the decision Faye wanted to take, he wanted to be there to support her. Together they would be able to figure it out. This entire trip was stupid. He would have the best trip ever purely out of spite. All so he could return home. He might not know what he's doing, but that would not stop him from trying his best.
Are you ready for the Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip?
Before he had a chance to reply. A portal opened up under his feet. Down the rabbit hole, he fell.
Chapter three
Lost Market Value
[Tutorial Quest]
What’s a trip without its souvenirs? Please acquire a souvenir you can use to always remember your trip to Veltra.
“I have this lantern,” Jack said. At least it was immediately proving useful.
Error: Unable to identify the lantern. We have lost all records of it.
He tried again. “You know the lantern you just gave me. The lantern, I am currently holding in my right hand. I would like to submit it as a souvenir for my trip.”
Shadesy: You must acquire a souvenir from your trip to Veltra. The lantern was acquired before arriving in Veltra and as such does not count.
Jack felt foolish for ever so briefly hoping that things might be easy.
“Heen haw Heen Haw” Jack turned to look at the sound but all he could see was the status window. He tried to close it by pressing X.
Ding! Sorry due to not having a premium membership for DUDE: LOST tm. You will have to first watch this Ad before the window can close.
The sound intensified “Heen haw Heen Haw HEEGN HAW”. He covered his ears. Someone yelled out some foreign words. He felt someone drag him in some direction. He stumbled and stepped in a puddle. His left running shoe and sock were now wet. Still unable to see. He was held hostage by the ad.
The Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip ™ is sponsored by the Inkfort Publishing Derby. Traveling to other worlds isn't always cheap but with the derby you get access to windows into another world. You can support the Derby at your online bookseller. You only have one life to live but with books, you can experience as many as you like. They say a picture contains a thousand words but with the derby, you are guaranteed to get a minimum of 10K words with each picture. That's 10 times the value!
Remember to rate the DUDE: LOST ™ highly on the Isekai store.
DING! [New phrase added to the phrase book!]
"Get out of the way you stupid dumbass!"
Finally, the ad ended and Jack could see where he was. He was standing just off a busy market street. Now, He could see the damn puddle he was standing in. It wasn’t that large, just deep enough to be inconvenient. He could see a quadruped lizard about the size of a horse that was pulling a cart. It had tufts of fur forming a mane that followed the length of the creature's spine. It also had tufts around its feet. He thought he saw the person who had yelled at him riding the quadruped on a gorgeous navy blue saddle. They were continuing down the street with their cart filled to a precarious volume. The market was bustling. He could smell the various food stalls. There was freshly baked bread. There was meat on a stick cooking over a grill. The air was full of the sound of music and chatter. He saw ever more of the lizards.
[Achievement Unlocked Discover a new species]
Naytile
Naytiles are one of the domesticated species of Veltra. Native to the eastern side of the continent. They thrive in both warm and cold climates.
He could overhear a dozen different conversations around him in a foreign language.
DING! [Your language proficiency is too low to understand the language. You can unlock a universal translator for the low low price of 100$ Dodge Arcane Bucks a month.]
Jack clicked on the information icon for the Arcane Bucks. A new window popped up.
Arcane Bucks are the exclusive currency for DUDE: LOST ™. You can earn Arcane Bucks by completing quests, recommending the trip to your friends, or exchanging Veltrian Doubloons.
Every 29 Veltrian Doubloons is worth 17 Arcane Bucks!
He closed the window. He overheard more of the market chatter.
